Pro-paelo-lific: Day 1

So, a few years ago I developed these weird, chronic stomach issues.  Every time I ate, my stomach hurt, and just after I ate I would be overcome by lethargy.  It went on for a couple months, I tried taking things out of my diet, I tried avoiding food in general, I lived off antacids for a while... it seemed as though the problem was gluten, and man was I pissed. Who doesn't love bread, and pasta, and really everything carb?! And, in case you don't know...gluten is in PRACTICALLY EVERY FUCKING THING!!!! Desperate for an alternative solution, I went to a homeopathic doctor, who, after a 3 hour consult, gave me what is referred to as a constitutional in the homeopathic world.  And, much to my surprise, it worked!!! I got to go back to eating all the things I loved and felt better.  Shockingly, whatever that little remedy was, it worked for well over two years.  Then, last year, I started having issues again.  At the same time I started reading things about our food (mainly wheat)...and how it has been SO severely crossbred and modified over the last 30 years that it doesn't even resemble it's original molecular structure...

Ok, I am rambling a bit. While I could go on for DAYS about the fucked-up-ness of what is happening to us through our food sources, I will save that part for another day.  There is a connection here to other things I have been rambling about as of late...I think I have always been aware of the connection between mind and body in some form... but in the last couple of days it has become so apparent. I have been struggling through this transition period (for the last couple months, but even more so in the last week or so), I have also been dealing with the resurgence in my stomach issues, and the cherry on top has been this incredibly HELLISH heartburn that arrived a couple of days ago.  The heartburn thing was what really got me thinking...

A friend shared with me that the throat correlates to the throat chakra (which is associated with communication), and that in turn, the physical manifestation of heartburn could be connected to a need to communicate... I know, I know, it is almost too woo woo for me as well.  But then I started doing a teensy bit of research, and it sort of started making sense...Oddly, when I began this blog I wanted to use this as a platform to communicate all the  crazy (seemingly non-connected) crap that swirls around in my dome, but as of late, I have scarcely had the energy or brain power to organize any of it into cohesive thought.  So yeah, I guess I do feel a bit communicatively stifled right now. Huh... they couldn't possible be related... or could they?

In addition to the chakra stuff, I started reading a book on eating Paleo yesterday.  Another thing I have been thinking about for a while... it seems to have helped a lot of people with similar health shit, and I know I respond well to a diet that is higher in protein and lower in carbs.  And, what do ya know, as I am reading the book I start seeing the correlation between grain/gluten intake and the mental confusion I have been experiencing lately too! WEIRDNESS.  Weird, but in a good way.  It gives me hope that there are solutions other than just feeling completely and totally overwhelmed... because that is what happens when I get to thinking about all this shit... Like well, the only solution is to change every motherfucking thing and start over from scratch and be completely perfect at it. NO WONDER I have been so apprehensive to make ANY changes! Talk about setting ones self up for failure!  Well, the book addressed all of that as well, and gave me a sliver of confidence that I can do this and be easy on myself.

Isn't it funny what the human mind can do to self sabotage?? I need to make changes, but I tell myself I will just fail anyway, so why bother? Fuck it.  And I KNOW I am not the only one who does this.  I talk myself out of positive change all the time...I hide behind the fear of failure and then a month goes by.  And then some other thing comes up and three months slip away.  And before I know it, I have spent a year making excuses for not doing something that could potentially help me.  WHAT THE FUCK???!!!!

So, today is the day... I start making some tangible changes- like cutting out grain, legumes and (the scariest one for me) dairy, and going back to being more aware of what I put in my body.  I am not going to be a zealot about it... so as NOT to set myself up for failure from jump. I am just going to make this simple shift for 30 days and see what happens.  I really don't have a whole lot to lose at this point, and if I get more energy and start to feel better, I will totally keep going.  My hope is that if the physical parts of me stop feeling so crappy, the mental shit will surely follow suit, even if it is only in small ways.  And, as part of the connection between mind and body, I am going to keep writing. Even if it's garbled and confusing, I can't just keep it all in my head because it seems too hard to relate cohesively... patience grasshopper, all things will shift in good time, it all starts with willingness and an open mind, right?

Words of Wisdom

Hello universe, it's me. I am performing my cranial rectal extraction right now. Thanks for the friendly reminder :)

Capricorn horoscope for Jul, 05, 2013
You have been using your experience and your intellect to try and solve a problem. So far, though, no satisfactory solution has come to you. But what you are trying to approach in a very logical and practical way may require creativity and innovation instead. The tried and true may not apply to a current challenge, Capricorn. But you are someone who is very analytical, and it's often hard for you to veer from the well-traveled course that has always worked for you in the past. It's time to blaze a trail. Have faith in your intuition.

Well, then. I guess it really is time to say goodbye to Plato, so as to make room for Aristotle.  In an effort to blaze that trail, I think this song is appropriate. Not closing a chapter, I am beginning an entirely new book.
And-I love you, Ani. Thanks for reading my mind all the time <3


"Untouchable Face"

think i'm going for a walk now
i feel a little unsteady
i don't want nobody to follow me
'cept maybe you
i could make you happy you know
if you weren't already
i could do a lot of things
and i do

tell you the truth i prefer
the worst of you
too bad you had to have a better half
she's not really my type
but i think you two are forever
and i hate to say it but
you're perfect together

so fuck you
and your untouchable face
and fuck you
for existing in the first place
and who am i
that i should be vying for your touch
and who am i
i bet you can't even tell me that much

two-thirty in the morning
and my gas tank will be empty soon
neon sign on the horizon
rubbing elbows with the moon
a safe haven of sleepless
where the deep fryer's always on
radio is counting down
the top 20 country songs
and out on the porch the fly strip is
waving like a flag in the wind
y'know, i don't look forward
to seeing you again soon
you'll look like a photograph of yourself
taken from far far away
and i won't know what to do
and i won't know what to say

except fuck you...

i see you and i'm so perplexed
what was i thinking
what will i think of next
where can i hide
in the back room there's a lamp
that hangs over the pool table
and when the fan is on it swings
gently side to side
there's a changing constellation
of balls as we are playing
i see orion and say nothing
the only thing i can think of saying

is fuck you...