Impermanently Permanent

I hate fighting.  I hate fighting with myself the most... I used to always lose, but now... now I am starting to understand the strategy to winning the war with myself.  It is merely a series of battles, and the key is to remember that while this one battle will not over take me, I cannot be fooled by the rush of victory from one small battle, because there will be another, and another after that.  My most divine inspiration comes in those tiny moments where I realize that I am always on my team... which makes me realize how lucky I am.  I am a loyal team mate and a fierce competitor... which is why it seems so scary and overwhelming when I fight myself!  But, the more time I spend in that place if divine inspiration, the more peaceful I become.

I'd be lying if I said I spend all my time in this sort of self awareness...I definitely do not..but each time I do take shelter from my inner-war-world;basking in the sun on the island oasis of self awareness, I pick up one more bit of beauty and take it with me.  It is a breath- taking place, the island of self awareness... the days I have spent there have been warm and sunny with the most gentle of breezes... the beach is bathed in beautiful white sand, the water is so brilliantly blue, the vegetation is lush and green, the place exudes the kind of serenity that cannot be found in the inner-world-war.  For the most part it is a welcomed vacation from the inner-war battles of my day to day.  The only catch is that, while I love it there, it is not without struggles.  Sometimes the beach is too hot for my feet...sometimes I get so lost in introspection I get stung by a jelly fish...sometimes the tides come in and instead of retreating to my bungalow until the tide subsides, I slip back to the inner-war world and sometimes, I get stuck for a while. 

Just as it takes a considerable amount of effort to stay in the inner-war-world, the island of self-awareness demands attention and commitment... the difference is that one world drains me, drags me down and puts me at a place with myself that I do not at all enjoy.  The other recharges me, provides me with the emotional nourishment and fulfillment to continue on my way.  It seems like a no brainer for one to do everything possible to stay on that island at all costs.  But life demands a certain amount of ebb and flow... it is indeed a balancing act.  If I were to simply retire to the island of self awareness and spend all of my days there it would soon loose it's mystical, passionate and energizing sensibilities for me... and thus, the island of self awareness would decline and decay until suddenly, I would find myself waging my inner war on that same island that I had once regarded as paradise.  So, while today I drink up the cobalt water and bask in the brilliance of the sunlight refracting off the sand... I accept that the I must return to the inner-world-war now and then so that I may once again circle back to the island.  My time on the island-however brief or extended it may be has allowed me to accept the impermanence that is life- nothing is everlasting...and this too, as they say, shall pass.

Atop the Soap Box...

What is it about us humans that makes us so resistant to change and growth?  Why does it take the equivalent of near personal catastrophe for us to remove our heads from our asses and realize where the stench is coming from?!  Yes, I am at times a bit cynical, but really, it's the truth.  I have got catalogs of examples from my own life, and more recently I am becoming aware of it in the lives of people I am (or once was) close to.  I wonder what would happen if we all had that ah-ha moment, you know the one where you realize that after all these years it was you who held the key to your own destiny...

Please get, I am not taking a dualistic viewpoint here- I do not believe that those who make the decision to get up off the couch of their lives and make things happen are necessarily better than those who continue to toke on the joint of complacency.  Complacency can be comfortable, if we wriggle around now and then and adjust ourselves so as not to have our entire body succumb to the pins and needles of apathy, it can be a very warm and familiar place.  And let's face it... growing up, maturing, setting goals for oneself and developing some sort of mantra from which to live by-aint no immediate buzz... I suppose if anything it is the buzz kill for complacency... generally evolving as a being has little immediate gratification- it is not likely that the decision to go to school, or get a new job, or move, or any others of the major life decisions we all have to make at some point are going to result in some amazing and immediate high...

Nope, change comes with an entirely different set of feelings- some that are difficult, many that are good, but all are rewarding in some way, shape, or form.  As opposed to those days of excess-long lost to work, school, families and responsibilities- growing teaches us how to sustain that good feeling we lived for as kids- we still enjoy peaks (although, most often not the chemically induced ones of days of yore-why? there is no need!), but now those peaks are sweeten with the addition of valleys.  Of course, not even someone making the conscious effort to expand their awareness likes to be in those valleys, but after a certain point we come to realize how much more brilliant and rich those peaks are for it.

So, to those of you fighting the good fight to figure out yourself and your place in this world, to those of you making an effort to go about your life emulating positivity and awareness, to those of you committed to doing whatever you have to in order to be your best self, to those of you struggling to figure out what that looks like to you-I raise my glass to you.  Making our state or country or world a better place starts with each one of us at the most personal level.  If we can first commit to ourselves, we can then take that commitment to the streets!  To those of you immersed in the murky bong water of complacency,your life is waiting for you to live it-so come on up for air....

Be Here Now.

So, I write about school a lot, I know.  But it takes up a great deal of my time...and happens to be the current catalyst for new personal awareness's and what not.  It seems like I have been in school for decades...wait. I guess I have been!  Straight out of high school I went to Sinclair-   After spending three years getting my associate degree I moved on to the University of Cincinnati. In  my time at UC I figured out that I really wanted nothing to do with the degree path I had chosen (I know, great decision after 200+ credits with one year left).  I really wanted nothing to do with higher ed.  I felt like all I was doing was jumping through hoops to obtain a piece of paper that basically certified me as a hoop jumper. So, I dropped out. 

When I finally made the decision to go back, I went back on my terms- I was NOT going to jump through hoops anymore... if I were to obtain another degree it would be for the sole purpose of expanding my mind... the piece of paper would be secondary.  So, I did that, I went back, studied my ass off, learned a metric shit ton about the world and myself, and when graduation time came around I kinda flipped out... What in the hell was I supposed to do without school?  Who was I if not a student?  So I did the only logical thing and applied to grad school.

I guess I should say, it was logical to me, at the time.  My professor/mentor (who has one of the most amazing and brilliant minds I have ever encountered and is also a psychotherapist) was absolutely dead set against it.  She kept asking me why?  Why would you go to grad school?  You do not belong in grad school, you belong in culinary school she said.  All this did was piss me off really... why the fuck wouldn't I belong in grad school?!  Did I want to go to culinary school? Well, truth be told, yes, yes I did.  But anyone who knows me can attest to the fact that the surest way to get me to do anything is to tell me I can't, shouldn't or won't... then it becomes my own personal challenge to prove you wrong.  Seeing red flags as personal challenges is nothing new for me-it should be a red flag to me-about myself, but it isn't- I am still working on that.

So, here I am in grad school, learning heaps and loads about myself at the bargain rate of $500 per credit hour X 8 credits per quarter.  If you do the math, that is one FUCKING EXPENSIVE personal challenge.  Like I have said before, I love what I am learning, I am expanding my knowledge about myself and others at a rapid rate- but, I am not so sure how I feel about the academic part.  I am a lot of things, but I am not an academic.  And, if I were to stay quiet and still for just a few moments, I would realize that I am jumping through hoops-my own fucking hoops.  It seems as though, while I wasn't looking I snuck up on myself, hung several hoops out in front of me, and lit them on fire! Damn it Holly! For all your self proclaimed awareness, you still have some serious blind spots honey.

But, that's alright, how boring would life be if any of us had it all figured out at any particular moment? I'm not going to drop out and go to culinary school-yet.  But I am going to drop down to half time next quarter, and I am going to stay with this new-found self acceptance. Sometimes, I need reminded of the brand I had stamped on my back-to thine own self be true- that means you! I still have no answer to the age old question 'what do you want to be when you grow up', but I think everyday I get a bit closer to what I want to be now.

Always coming home to you...

Ahh, deep breath in... the sun is out!!! Yay!  Just when I thought I might fall into the never ending hole of the grayness of winter! Warm days... the kind that they have in LA 325 days out of the year... I think about the fact that I was supposed to move there with my best friend after high school and in the gray of winter I think... WHY didn't I? Well, because it is 95% concrete, both the environmental and human landscapes are artificial for the most part, there is WAY too much traffic, no dependable public transit and there is very little sense of community... So, basically the only items on my pro-list were Charlie, warm weather and the beach...

I have thought about other places since then... I have been obsessed with Portland for years now... they have much of what LA lacks, public transit, community, outdoor beauty, an amazing art/music/ culture scene...there culinary scene is exploding right now-I dream about moving there and opening my own restaurant. this sounds great except that I am guessing it would take a month or two before the severe lack of sunlight rendered me useless in life.  So I guess maybe Portland would not be so great right now.

  Then I think about living somewhere on the east coast...Maine, Massachusetts, or upstate New York.  My favorite season is fall, and a few years ago I got to experience the Northeast fall all the way up and down the coast... It was absolutely beautiful.  The air was clean and crisp, the trees were breathtakingly stunning, between the coastline and the mountains there was very little left to be desired up there... except maybe a culture that is slightly more personable... people in the Northeast were snobby! Now, in all fairness, I will strike up a conversation with anyone about anything and I am sure for those who have grown up under non-Midwestern social circumstances that friendliness can be equally as off-putting, but I don't know how anyone can live with that much disconnect to others...the Northeast would be an amazing place to be hermit, but maybe not to live and work.

So then, there are only two places left: Canada, and Ireland. Canada is where all of my family lives except my parents, and , they do have it all, they have beauty, amazing seasonal changes, beaches, and serious community... where my family lives is as close to perfect as you can get...it is Yellow Springs with a pier and a beach.  And Ireland is much the same, my favorite town that I visited there was Galway, the people were tremendous as was nearly every thing I experienced there... It was so gorgeous in almost every way.  There is only one thing keeping me from packing up and moving up there... me. 

Everyone always seems to have some sort of shit to talk about the place in which they are from... but I don't.  In high school it was a different story, I just want to move to LA and be a rockstar (nvrmnd the fact that I had no apparent rockstar talents!), but, in the last ten years I have seriously come to appreciate living in the Midwest.  All of things I would look for if I were to relocate are here, (except maybe a good public transit system, but hey, you can't have it all all the time).  My family is here.  And while I may not have a ton of friends, most of the people that I really and sincerely care about are here.  I have a job, two of them actually... and there is much beauty to behold right here in my own extended backyard.  So, I guess for now, I'll just stay where I am and soak in the sun.

Pine Cones and Olive Oil

Whoever said there was no such thing as a stupid question needs to come do my job for a day.  Hell, not even a day, just come in on Monday morning and read through my inbox.  Maybe I am slightly jaded...maybe I'm just pissed off that it is Monday... maybe it is Street Fair time again... regardless-I came in today to read a message filled with questions about exceptions to rules, because every vendor has some sort of special circumstance...yes, yes, you are incredibly unique and deserve my undivided attention because you sell jewelry and photography or soap and pottery so OBVIOUSLY the rules that apply to everyone else don't apply to you.  Thousands of artists have applied before you and somehow managed to get that 'please include photographs of all items sold' means we want to see what kind of items you are selling... not that each item you are selling needs to be photographically catalouged with your application.  Give me enough information to make a decision as to whether or not I should accept you, and where I will place you and then SHUT UP!!! You only hurt yourself by disclosing too much information.

Obviously these people have never shipped something across country... you know, you go to the post office- the lady behind the counter who hears a special story about how the rules need not apply at the rate of 10 'special cases' an hour asks-'Is there anything liquid or perishable in the package?'
and a formally too honest for your own good me says, 'Why yes, yes there is liquid in there...'
to which the lady responds 'Oh? What is the liquid?'
and I respond full of pride and honesty 'Wine'
Her eyebrows furrow and she exasperates 'WINE?! Oh no no no, you cannot ship wine'
And I walk out of the post office, pissed off at my terminal honesty, get in my car, drive to fed ex and ship the damned wine as olive oil as I should have in the first damned place.

I'm not advocating lying, I have as much disdain for lying as I do stupid questions, all I'm saying is that sometimes, maybe not telling someone everything is better for all parties involved... I don't need to know nor do I give a shit if you have a business partner, I also do not want to sift through 387 photos of your trinkets... just exercise some sort of discretion for crying out loud!  None of us are ever remotely as important as we think we are... so, let's all get out from under the plague of terminal uniqueness that Mr. Rogers gave us and realize that we are more one grain of sand by the ocean than we are snowflakes falling from the sky.  I am not unique, or special or even an individual, I fall into the herd mentality more often than I would like to admit... but, I admit it. Come on people, we can work together, as long as you get that you are not the only fish in the sea, my time is as precious to me as your handmade pine cone and buckeye necklaces are to you.

Hello Lover...

More homework today... I love learning, but between school and work and life as it is, sometimes all I want is an escape from the real world...I end up fantasizing about everyday occurrences in the metaphoric sense.  Obviously spending so much time in the theoretical has definitely left me wanting... if only higher ed would recognize the merit of metaphor- I think it is an integral part of critical thinking...the ability to draw parallel where there is seemingly no similarity unless one dives beneath the surface....
Tonight it was the storm that rolled through, as I was lying in bed, in the dark it, occurred to me-storms are much like good lovers.  There are so many elements to a storm that come together to create such an amazing symphony for the mind and body.  The way the lightning penetrates a dark room, a relentless tease to the visual senses...flashing split second images lit in the most perfect way, such that your left yearning to experience another moment in that light....  the thunder that rumbles deep down, not the loud and jarring cracks, but more the intense reverberations that come when the storm is nearly on top of you...and then just as the hairs on the back of your neck begin to stand on end- the rain...ahh, there is no sound as sweet as rain at night... the seductress of sleep, she patterns down on the windows and every drop lures the brain into an altered rhythmic state... and suddenly the storm and your mind are intertwined in this incredible dance...fast, slow, fast fast, slow- lightning, rain, lightning thunder, rain... and on and on as the storm travels through and your consciousness fades to a trance-like state, and your swept away to the land of dreams...I do love a good storm.

Bliss in the Gray Area

So, I have been thinking about music lately...I think about it a lot really.  It is an interesting and vast subject on so many levels. I think about what music means to me, what strikes me about a certain artist or song, what attracts me to different genres, how it can move me to tears or laughter, how certain notes can resonate right down in my soul.  How, for every time in my life there has been an artist or album I identify with that particular time...how I attach memories and meaning to it.  How one line or riff can take me to places in myself I had otherwise forgotten existed.  That is pretty powerful.  And I wonder-is it like this for everyone?  Do each of us have a soundtrack to our lives?

 I remember getting my bright yellow Walkman for Christmas, the kind that would switch the side of the tape with the switch of the button-and that was important since my parents would only allow me to purchase singles of such CRAZY artists as Gun's and Roses.  From that moment on, I had headphones on everywhere I went!

I can't tell you what year this song or that album came out, but I could tell you in detail what I felt when I first heard it-because every time I hear it again it's like the first time...I was watching my favorite channel...cool T.V. last night and REM's Loosing My Religion came on... And I was instantly transported back to grades 6 and 7 when my own musical obsessions began to take hold. I had a dry erase board in my room and it was filled with artists and albums I wanted to buy-Nirvana, Red Hot Chili Peppers, REM, Pearl Jam, Stone Temple Pilots, Smashing Pumpkins, Hole, Everclear and later there was Goldfinger and Bad Religion, then Tool, the Deftones, Ani Difranco, Incubus- I could list them forever... I remember taking my well earned paper route money to buy my first stereo for my room, and going to the store as often as my parents would allow to get another album on my list.  Going to my room was never a punishment because I would sit in there and listen to music for hours on end... I went to sleep with it on, I woke up with it on...I would sneek my headphones on the bus with me.  I created my own world and found bliss within those notes...

I remember opening my first microphone and the big Sony professional headphones for my birthday-I had to have been all of eight maybe- and my dad set up a tape deck and I got a mixer, I would sing and record and there was a freedom of creativity there that I have not matched within myself since... the years went by and my self consciousness over took me and I stopped singing, except for in my car by myself, or ridiculously out of range with a few friends.  I started writing a lot, and I got involved in the local music scene as a teenager.  It has been amazing to witness other people's creative processes, glistening in the light of creation and collaboration... And then I think about how I stifled my own, I let fear extinguish that inner creative fire.  For a time I stifled it all together, I quit listening to new music or taking an interest at all.  But recently, in the last year or so, I have begun to re-open that musical file in my brain.  I found that inspired feeling again and I want to figure out what to do with it...  I think we all wander in the gray areas of life- we transition from one stage to another- and if we are not careful we loose the awareness of what it is that touches us deeply in our soul.  The beauty of it is that if we are vigilant, we may wander, but we are never lost.  That fire within your soul can be re kindled -like a phoenix rising up from the embers to re-emerge in a different and perhaps more amazing form...