Another rainy Monday, but that's alright, after a gorgeous day like yesterday, a little rain is alright. I officially withdrew from school on Saturday, and I am at peace with it. It is going to take some getting used to (having free moments to myself) but I do believe this is exactly what I need. I finished one of my two incompletes yesterday, that feels pretty darned good, although I am still experiencing a lot of anxiety surrounding the other paper I have to write. In speaking to the prof's about how to go about actually getting the work done one of them encouraged me to get to a place where I was alright with 'good enough' so that I could get credit and move on. I cringed when he mentioned it, and I am cringing as I write this- good enough is not a concept I have ever let myself truly embrace, and for the most part I think that is a smart way to be... although I suppose, in certain circumstances good enough is warranted.
As I sat down to write the paper yesterday I tried to wrap my mind around what good enough looks like. To me, that is an entirely subjective concept. The prof said that all I need was an 80%, and that I need not waste my time trying for perfection...I can appreciate his sentiment, but my mantra is generally to shoot for perfection and hope it lands somewhere in the vicinity of good enough for me. That usually translates into writing a paper in one foul swoop. Sleeping on it. Tearing it apart the next day, re-writing it, sending it to two or three friends to edit, piecing it back together again and then putting a final draft together. And, yeah. I guess that's more like 150% effort as opposed to the needed 80.
So I went to my favorite Sunday morning writing place and pounded on the keyboard for an hour or two and then called it finished. And, I will say it was super hard to walk away and call it finished. But I think one of the lessons I am learning is that striving for perfection can also mean strolling toward insanity. If I am going to keep any sense about me, striving for perfection in everything I do is not sustainable. I have to learn to pick my battles, and that if I do have to complete something to 'good enough' standards it does not mean that I am going to spiral out of lackadaisical control. Turning in a paper that is not my best work, but merely good enough at the request of the prof does not mean I just bought a one way ticket to failure land. It's just so paradoxical to think of giving some things up in order to get other things that are more important (here's my paper-sanity please, thank you).
All my life I have had this unreasonable fear of being a fuck-up. Not necessarily a fuck-up in the eyes of others, but more in my own eyes. I am deathly afraid of letting myself down, but I often set that bar so impossibly high that even a bucket truck couldn't help me get there... I know, the paradoxes abound. So, as I learn to loosen my death grip on the illusionary control in other areas of my life, I will now add this one to that list. Because I am only a fuck-up, failure, lazy, loser if I judge myself to be. And those are all negative judgments that have got to go with this spring cleaning of the mentality. Trust is a toughy for me, especially when it comes to trusting myself-I think I may need to re-evaluate that :)
Monday, April 11, 2011
Friday, April 8, 2011
The Times, they are A-Changin
Fair warning- the following ramblings are slightly political in nature, I would not call this a rant, more just subjective observations from a seemingly a-political individual, if you have something to say about said observations, feel free to leave a comment... otherwise take whatcha need and leave the rest :)
What is it about our culture that makes us de-value ourselves and in turn- de-value the collective? It's not just girls and bad body images anymore... it's girls, boys, men, women- I have experienced it myself, and I have observed it in others. That feeling that we are not good enough for this or that... that we do not deserve this job, that promotion... we ignore or gloss over our feelings all in favor of getting to the next leg of the race first... but where does that leave us?
In my experience, that leaves us entitled, fractured, and isolated. We as a culture have a very broken sense of community, if any all... it is every man (or woman if your the type to get caught up in word-smithing) for himself. I have mentioned before that our culture is terminally unique, and I hate to beat a dead horse, but it seems as thought I see examples of this everywhere. While conversing one on one this is the process of speaking and NOT listening to what the other has to say. It's a mimetic structure- look at the political climate in our country-the democrats think they have all the answers and the republicans think the same thing about their ideas. In my experience of the political process there is much shouting and little listening. What would happen if they started doing what they said they would do when we elected them- work for a compromise that has the best interest of the American people at it's core... Well, neither side is going to do that- that would be political suicide, because our terminally unique culture wants nothing to do with compromise.
So, each politician is out for his or her own best interest, fitting, since there are so many Americans who ascribe to the same dogma. We are such a finite society- dissect the ever loving shit out of every single detail that we loose all hope to see the big picture. And there is no room in that tiny little box to expand the mind or to even consider any alternative. I look at the revolutions happening all around the Middle East and applaud them- I applaud their ability to rise up as collective, to keep their eye on the prize (and the big picture) and to stick together as a people who have recognized that they all want relatively the same thing...whatever that thing may be for each of those rebel uprisings.
Then, I turn my gaze back to the States and I am frightened. I am scared that something is going to give soon on our own soil, and I have little faith in the American people as a collective... I think we have been so fractured and splintered that there is little hope that we will come together and work to make things better for ourselves... there is too much anger and shit talking in the air. And we are too entitled. We have been a powerful nation for so long that few of us know (or remember) what it is like to have to come together to fight the good fight.
Don't get me wrong, I don't believe it to be all doom and gloom- I have witnessed blessing, beauty, and solidarity among some people... and I do not think that everyone in this country is selfish, self-centered and self seeking... I just hope that there are enough of us who care about ALL of us to make a difference. As much as I cannot stand Bob Dylan (I know, how un-American) I do believe his words aptly describe the climate in our country lately- "The times, they are a-changin." There is a part of me that is proud to be alive in this segment of our nation's history-in-the-making, and I am excited to be a participant, however that may end up looking. I just hope that we as a can people awaken from the centuries of slumber brought about from being kept fat and happy, in time to rub the entitlement sleep out of our eyes and move through the shift in consciousness needed to bring us all back together. The only thing I am sure of is that time will move forward, things will change, and that this too, shall pass. Dylan's words seem so prophetic because they were true when he wrote them, they are true today and they will be true in the future... the times, they will always be a-changin.
What is it about our culture that makes us de-value ourselves and in turn- de-value the collective? It's not just girls and bad body images anymore... it's girls, boys, men, women- I have experienced it myself, and I have observed it in others. That feeling that we are not good enough for this or that... that we do not deserve this job, that promotion... we ignore or gloss over our feelings all in favor of getting to the next leg of the race first... but where does that leave us?
In my experience, that leaves us entitled, fractured, and isolated. We as a culture have a very broken sense of community, if any all... it is every man (or woman if your the type to get caught up in word-smithing) for himself. I have mentioned before that our culture is terminally unique, and I hate to beat a dead horse, but it seems as thought I see examples of this everywhere. While conversing one on one this is the process of speaking and NOT listening to what the other has to say. It's a mimetic structure- look at the political climate in our country-the democrats think they have all the answers and the republicans think the same thing about their ideas. In my experience of the political process there is much shouting and little listening. What would happen if they started doing what they said they would do when we elected them- work for a compromise that has the best interest of the American people at it's core... Well, neither side is going to do that- that would be political suicide, because our terminally unique culture wants nothing to do with compromise.
So, each politician is out for his or her own best interest, fitting, since there are so many Americans who ascribe to the same dogma. We are such a finite society- dissect the ever loving shit out of every single detail that we loose all hope to see the big picture. And there is no room in that tiny little box to expand the mind or to even consider any alternative. I look at the revolutions happening all around the Middle East and applaud them- I applaud their ability to rise up as collective, to keep their eye on the prize (and the big picture) and to stick together as a people who have recognized that they all want relatively the same thing...whatever that thing may be for each of those rebel uprisings.
Then, I turn my gaze back to the States and I am frightened. I am scared that something is going to give soon on our own soil, and I have little faith in the American people as a collective... I think we have been so fractured and splintered that there is little hope that we will come together and work to make things better for ourselves... there is too much anger and shit talking in the air. And we are too entitled. We have been a powerful nation for so long that few of us know (or remember) what it is like to have to come together to fight the good fight.
Don't get me wrong, I don't believe it to be all doom and gloom- I have witnessed blessing, beauty, and solidarity among some people... and I do not think that everyone in this country is selfish, self-centered and self seeking... I just hope that there are enough of us who care about ALL of us to make a difference. As much as I cannot stand Bob Dylan (I know, how un-American) I do believe his words aptly describe the climate in our country lately- "The times, they are a-changin." There is a part of me that is proud to be alive in this segment of our nation's history-in-the-making, and I am excited to be a participant, however that may end up looking. I just hope that we as a can people awaken from the centuries of slumber brought about from being kept fat and happy, in time to rub the entitlement sleep out of our eyes and move through the shift in consciousness needed to bring us all back together. The only thing I am sure of is that time will move forward, things will change, and that this too, shall pass. Dylan's words seem so prophetic because they were true when he wrote them, they are true today and they will be true in the future... the times, they will always be a-changin.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Trying to Find a Balance
Part of growth is balance. Part of balance is knowing one's limits. Part of knowing one's limits is listening to one's self and honoring the built in alarm system the body has. Honoring that alarm system is tough, because sometimes honoring it means that we have to make decisions that produce judgment both within oneself and, more than likely outside of oneself. On top of that- balance and knowing my limits have never been personal strong suits for me- I'm either balls to the wall, or complacent, and I usually get to the edge of a cliff, shut my eyes and jump. These are not new revelations for me- I have know these things about myself for quite some time- the new revelation is that now I am ready to take those awareness's and do something about them. I truly want to find that middle ground, instead of burning hard and bright until I burn out, I want to figure out how to keep my candle lit (on only one end) for the long run. I want to look over the edge of the cliff and figure a way to climb down as opposed to crashing at the bottom.
For a while now, my alarm system has been sounding, it went in to over drive in January with my tonsils, and since having my tonsils removed the alarm has shift to my tummy and my heart. My heart beats fast most of the time, and my tummy has gone back to bounding itself in knots on the constant. It has been sounding so loud I have found it difficult to ignore, and today I have decided to finally honor it. Most of the judgment is self inflicted- because the decision involves withdrawing from school for the quarter. Leaving school for the quarter seems so paradoxical- my studies are what have catapulted my growth process in the last 6-8 months, but now that growth is coming so fast and furiously I can scarcely keep up.
Juggling working near 60 hours a week, trying to finish up my papers from last quarter, getting into the new material for this quarter all while trying to sustain my personal growth is just too much. I am not complaining, I am grateful for my jobs and the fact that they both support me in every way possible. I am also super grateful that my prof's from last quarter granted me in-completes in order to have time to finish the course work up and get credit for those courses. I am merely looking at the parts of the equation I can control in order to balance myself out- and not taking on additional work and stress is the most obvious answer. I know that life is not a 100 meter dash, it is more like several consecutive marathons, so I need to be able to pace myself.
So, for today, I am going to honor my inner alarm system by taking the necessary steps to get myself to a place of balance. I have written before about how growth can only happen when the proper amount of support and challenge is present- so, for now, I am going to back off on the academic challenges so as to attend to the personal ones. And really, the only judgment I have to deal with is my own. I have to remember that this is not a dualistic situation- where withdrawing from school is failure and continuing is success. In this case, it is more like taking a step back to walk another mile. Jeeze, this growing stuff is crazy sometimes!
For a while now, my alarm system has been sounding, it went in to over drive in January with my tonsils, and since having my tonsils removed the alarm has shift to my tummy and my heart. My heart beats fast most of the time, and my tummy has gone back to bounding itself in knots on the constant. It has been sounding so loud I have found it difficult to ignore, and today I have decided to finally honor it. Most of the judgment is self inflicted- because the decision involves withdrawing from school for the quarter. Leaving school for the quarter seems so paradoxical- my studies are what have catapulted my growth process in the last 6-8 months, but now that growth is coming so fast and furiously I can scarcely keep up.
Juggling working near 60 hours a week, trying to finish up my papers from last quarter, getting into the new material for this quarter all while trying to sustain my personal growth is just too much. I am not complaining, I am grateful for my jobs and the fact that they both support me in every way possible. I am also super grateful that my prof's from last quarter granted me in-completes in order to have time to finish the course work up and get credit for those courses. I am merely looking at the parts of the equation I can control in order to balance myself out- and not taking on additional work and stress is the most obvious answer. I know that life is not a 100 meter dash, it is more like several consecutive marathons, so I need to be able to pace myself.
So, for today, I am going to honor my inner alarm system by taking the necessary steps to get myself to a place of balance. I have written before about how growth can only happen when the proper amount of support and challenge is present- so, for now, I am going to back off on the academic challenges so as to attend to the personal ones. And really, the only judgment I have to deal with is my own. I have to remember that this is not a dualistic situation- where withdrawing from school is failure and continuing is success. In this case, it is more like taking a step back to walk another mile. Jeeze, this growing stuff is crazy sometimes!
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Optical Requisition
Lately I have been challenging myself to see each moment with new eyes... It is so easy to settle into a routine of the mundane day to day, but redirecting my perspective to look at the same things I see everyday through a new lens has helped immensely. Because nothing is mundane until I make it that way, and nothing is ever routine unless I allow it to be. And, while routine is comfortable, it breeds complacency...
I used to get jealous and and even angry about other people's 'magnificent' experiences... then I realized all I have to do to make my own experiences amazing is to relish in the moment... to drink in every moment for the amazing glass of opportunity that it is. Sunshine, or gray day... middle America or across the world... there is so much to experience and take in everywhere. The happened upon conversations on the street that start with a hullo and spin into a vibrantly woven tapestry of story and connection are right in front of us-just waiting to be lived.
I sat down to lunch yesterday with an acquaintance... something I NEVER do (sit down for lunch). Usually I grab something for take away at the local deli and rush back to my desk so as not to 'waste' a moment of the hectic work day. But, for some reason yesterday, I was compelled to take a seat at a table with a girl I had only met in passing before. At the start I thought I would just inhale my soup as fast as it would go down without injury to the still healing throat and dash off, back to my desk, having been gone not long enough for my boss to even notice my absence. But, as I sat across from that stranger I was drawn into the conversation...the more she spoke, the less I felt the pressure of the ticking clock staring me down from the wall. We chatted about jobs and families, experiences, art, expression and life in general. She shared pieces of her story, and I parts of mine. We may have sat together for five minutes or twenty...I don't know really, as I completely lost track of time...
We stood up from our lunch and walked out of the shop, and somewhere the conversation transitioned from the friendly, but somewhat surface topics one might find themselves conversing about with a stranger to a deeper, more revealing nature. We shared and connected over our respective experiences with personal growth and awareness, I found myself actually putting a voice to things I have been chronicling on this blog, and it was invigorating to ping at the same level with another human about the discoveries I have been making in my own life. I have always found it easier to explain myself in written word rather then in verbal conversation... when speaking I often stumble over my own thoughts and get wires crossed in my head, so listening and adding a piece here and there made the conversation much less easy and opulent.
As the conversation same to an end, having both shared out lot of emotional and personal bits, we realized that neither of us knew one another's name. I was actually grateful she didn't know mine, as I had once been introduced to her and long since forgotten her name, but remember her face. She remarked at how amazing it was to have such a beautiful conversation without even knowing the other's name and I confessed my attaching little importance to names, that it is a person's face and the visceral response I get from it that ruminates with me and she agreed. We parted ways, and I went back to work, envigorated by the human connection I would have otherwise missed had I not taken two steps off my routine path from the counter to the door.
I used to get jealous and and even angry about other people's 'magnificent' experiences... then I realized all I have to do to make my own experiences amazing is to relish in the moment... to drink in every moment for the amazing glass of opportunity that it is. Sunshine, or gray day... middle America or across the world... there is so much to experience and take in everywhere. The happened upon conversations on the street that start with a hullo and spin into a vibrantly woven tapestry of story and connection are right in front of us-just waiting to be lived.
I sat down to lunch yesterday with an acquaintance... something I NEVER do (sit down for lunch). Usually I grab something for take away at the local deli and rush back to my desk so as not to 'waste' a moment of the hectic work day. But, for some reason yesterday, I was compelled to take a seat at a table with a girl I had only met in passing before. At the start I thought I would just inhale my soup as fast as it would go down without injury to the still healing throat and dash off, back to my desk, having been gone not long enough for my boss to even notice my absence. But, as I sat across from that stranger I was drawn into the conversation...the more she spoke, the less I felt the pressure of the ticking clock staring me down from the wall. We chatted about jobs and families, experiences, art, expression and life in general. She shared pieces of her story, and I parts of mine. We may have sat together for five minutes or twenty...I don't know really, as I completely lost track of time...
We stood up from our lunch and walked out of the shop, and somewhere the conversation transitioned from the friendly, but somewhat surface topics one might find themselves conversing about with a stranger to a deeper, more revealing nature. We shared and connected over our respective experiences with personal growth and awareness, I found myself actually putting a voice to things I have been chronicling on this blog, and it was invigorating to ping at the same level with another human about the discoveries I have been making in my own life. I have always found it easier to explain myself in written word rather then in verbal conversation... when speaking I often stumble over my own thoughts and get wires crossed in my head, so listening and adding a piece here and there made the conversation much less easy and opulent.
As the conversation same to an end, having both shared out lot of emotional and personal bits, we realized that neither of us knew one another's name. I was actually grateful she didn't know mine, as I had once been introduced to her and long since forgotten her name, but remember her face. She remarked at how amazing it was to have such a beautiful conversation without even knowing the other's name and I confessed my attaching little importance to names, that it is a person's face and the visceral response I get from it that ruminates with me and she agreed. We parted ways, and I went back to work, envigorated by the human connection I would have otherwise missed had I not taken two steps off my routine path from the counter to the door.
Monday, April 4, 2011
"No One's Ever Gonna Love You"
Today is one of those days where my heart is beating wide open... I am sure listening to Band of Horses is helping that feeling right along! I am just acutely aware today of how important all the moments in life are...The amazing ones... the sad ones... the scary ones...the moments filled with incredible hope and joy...the empathetic moments... those moments in between any discernible feelings... They are all so incredibly important, especially the moments where we stop to appreciate all that has happened and will happen.
Sure, I don't always appreciate every moment, but, I am working on that. I am working on removing the good/bad dualistic judgment I have had for most of my life (thank you western society!)...I am attempting to move away from 'either or' and start looking at things as 'both and'. It's hard. SUPER HARD, breaking a life long habit, but allowing myself to expand my own capacity is also really rewarding...
It's crazy how things in my head have begun to shift since I decided to loosen my grip on the illusion of control I had over my life... I have spent a lot of time giving the advice that I am finally beginning to take myself...let go and let it flow. I'll admit, letting go is insanely scary at the start, but it is insanely freeing if you can just white knuckle through the scary part! I honestly feel as though I found that rhythm in my life I had lost for a bit, and once the rhythm re-appears, it is tough for your heart to do anything but beat wide open...
I am so excited to finally be back to that place where I am happy and secure within myself...where no matter what happens in a day I choose how it effects me. I really, really like this new relationship I am in with myself, it seems as though I have been searching for a partner for a life time and I am just now realizing that what I was searching for was within me all along. This is the best relationship I have ever had...sometimes it is hectic and scary, but at least now I know that I am always right there with me! And, it's true, No One's Ever Gonna Love You more than I do...
Sure, I don't always appreciate every moment, but, I am working on that. I am working on removing the good/bad dualistic judgment I have had for most of my life (thank you western society!)...I am attempting to move away from 'either or' and start looking at things as 'both and'. It's hard. SUPER HARD, breaking a life long habit, but allowing myself to expand my own capacity is also really rewarding...
It's crazy how things in my head have begun to shift since I decided to loosen my grip on the illusion of control I had over my life... I have spent a lot of time giving the advice that I am finally beginning to take myself...let go and let it flow. I'll admit, letting go is insanely scary at the start, but it is insanely freeing if you can just white knuckle through the scary part! I honestly feel as though I found that rhythm in my life I had lost for a bit, and once the rhythm re-appears, it is tough for your heart to do anything but beat wide open...
I am so excited to finally be back to that place where I am happy and secure within myself...where no matter what happens in a day I choose how it effects me. I really, really like this new relationship I am in with myself, it seems as though I have been searching for a partner for a life time and I am just now realizing that what I was searching for was within me all along. This is the best relationship I have ever had...sometimes it is hectic and scary, but at least now I know that I am always right there with me! And, it's true, No One's Ever Gonna Love You more than I do...
Friday, April 1, 2011
Life Support
All my life I have prided myself on being dynamic, ever evolving, trying to grow at every opportunity etc. But recently, I realized that the growth I pride myself on happens in spurts as opposed to the continuous flow I had once thought I maintained. So, that got me thinking-what is it that allows my growth to wax and wane? What is it that makes some people in this world great and others to be content with good enough?
The answers to those questions have been revealing themselves to my consciousness lately... Not that the answers were not there all along, more that I am finally coming to a spot where I can be consciously aware of them. The disruption in the flow of growth, as well as what allows some to settle for 'good enough' comes from within- Now, I am not saying that anyone (including myself) has that kind of inner dialogue- like "well, it seems as though we have made great strides, so lets just take a break" Nor am I saying that any of us really know that we are settling for good enough when we do. But growth is an extremely tricky, slippery slope; and sometimes it is easy to lose ourselves in that singular moment of patting ourselves on the back for a job well done. Then, before ya know it you have 'settled down and settled in' for the next 6 months, year, maybe even decade.
That shift in focus for me, usually comes from and outside source that I allow myself to be distracted with (Oh look! Something shiny!!!) And without even realizing it, I have derailed my growth attempts in favor of the newest favorite thing in my life. This business of growth is more of a discipline than a process. It takes time, diligence, practice and perseverance, it really is no wonder that we end up taking breaks from it... it is tough stuff!!! The problem with breaks is that (at least for me) they never end up being 15 minutes, or even an evening...they turn in to that settle period without my even noticing.
Once the settling has begun, it overtakes most areas of life, and the backslide down the slippery slope begins. It's not a landslide pace, it's slow, centimeters a month so to speak... at this pace it is very tough to even realize one is in backwards motion, and so the backslide continues on down the slope. Now, we are not only not growing, but we are also slowly slipping into old habits, patterns and familiarities. Things that we had previously grown out of or evolved from are now beginning to re-appear in our lives, and they fit like a tailored suit, so we do not notice, because for the most part we are 'content', and when we are content there seems no reason to change... if it ain't broke don't fix it right? But what happens if it is broken, and we have merely convinced ourselves of a new reality of 'broken'?
I learned recently that growth comes out of the proper mix of challenge and support... If we are not challenged in life, we see no reason to reach forward and upward... why would we when where we are seems good enough? But, without the proper amount of support to those challenges we will feel defeated, deflated and frustrated, and consequently we will quit trying to grow. Makes sense really, and, I think this hypothesis further answers my two original questions. In order to remember that I am trying to reach the bar in front of me, the one that remains just millimeters from my grasp, I need to surround myself with people who are also trying to reach for their own bars. We will share similar struggles and victories on our own respective quests for growth and greatness, and that dialogue will allow me to stay focused on my bar. I think that it is this process that leads some out of 'good enough' to greatness...whatever that may mean for each of us.
The key, as it always seems to come back round to, is awareness. Awareness of self and the processes that are happening in the mind on the moment to moment basis, awareness of others...do those that I surround myself with share similar goals of yearning for their own personal growth and greatness? Because, if not, this can certainly derail my process, and I have no more time to wane... so, on this day I re-affirm my will to do as much as I possibly can to stay conscious of my own process as well as my surroundings... I want to support those who support me. That being said, I cannot support those who cannot on some level support their own growth because they will never be able to support me. That slippery slope of growth becomes deep water to tread when others around us are drowning... and the only thing that drowning victim can do in their moments of despair is try everything to take you down with them... I was a life guard long enough... I think it is time to focus on my own bar.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Stella Luna
For a very few things in life I am a total and complete sucker. Some are silly- Like 16 and Pregnant on MTV, some are complete brain rotting guilty pleasures (ahem, Jersey Shore), others are totally understandable- babies of my friends and family, and---- KITTENS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Who in their right mind doesn't love kittens?! I don't trust somebody whose heart doesn't completely melt at the first sight of kittens. Even if your not a cat person... that's like hating babies. SOOOOOOOO anyways, I'm a sucker for kittens. Established.
So Saturday, it's my first day back to work after almost two weeks. I walk into a complete catastrophe of Street Fair apps, emails, phone messages, blah blah blah. I worked through the morning trying desperately to unbury myself from the rumble that comes from being away from one's job for such a long time. Anyhow, some time after noon, maybe one- my coworker, my boss and I are standing outside of the office for various reasons... Stephanie and I were having a Smoke, my boss was talking on her phone since she cannot get service in the office; I guess the reasons are not all that important... So, anyway, this woman walks up to Stephanie and I and she is carrying a cardboard box...
She sits down on the bench in front of Steph and I and proceeds to pull out not one, not two, not three, but four TINY tiny baby kittens.
"Y'all want a kitten?" She asks.
Stephanie declines right away, "I can't do cats, I am allergic" She remarks slyly. I pick one up.
NO!!! Holly, you know what this is going to do to you. You are far too week willed to hold a kitten. Your not allowed in Pet stores, and shelters for a reason!
Too late. I'm already holding two. One in my arms, the other has crawled up and perched itself on my neck. And they are SO SO SO tiny. And CUTE, did I mention they are super cute?! Shit. Now I've got a third in other arm.
No. Malabar is the cutest cat in the world, you already own the best cat ever. Plus, these are babies, she would get jealous. Baby kittens are a lot of work, maybe not quite as much of a time commitment as a puppy they.... but, after that, cats are perfect for you! They are independent, but also loving and content animals... and wouldn't it be nice for Malabar to have a playmate?! Yes, yes, a playmate for Malabar, she would love that!
This black one is so so so sweet! Look at her fierce blue eyes! She is so quiet and shy, she needs a mamma! Oh, she is so tiny! I just love love her up...
"What are their genders I ask?" I have an un-fixed female at home already, I can only get one if it is a girl. And really, I do not need another cat. Well, only if the black one is a girl. If the black one is a girl then I can take her home because that would be like a sign. Unless... unless the black on isn't a girl. Then I will have to think about the gray one. Ok, if the black one or the gray one is a girl I can take one of them home.
"Oh, your not sure of the genders? Oh. Alright. Well, I can't take one unless I know it is a girl." That calico one is beautiful, I could take her home if she were a girl. And just as if serendipity were to reach down and tap me on the shoulder, a couple of older women walk up. They are oogling over the cute little kittens and one women says she knows how to tell genders. Hooray!!! I can get a kitten if there is a girl in the litter. So, one by one, the woman checks each kitten out, and wouldn't you know. The WHOLE LITTER is females!
I am so excited I almost squeal like a school girl. And, for a brief moment, I contemplate snatching the box and all four kittens up. And then, images of the old and ghastly cat lady flash through my mind... Ugh, it makes me feel yucky inside. Like I am considering social suicide. Wait, where's the black one at?! Where is MY kitten?! I whirl around to see one of the older ladies desperately trying to talk her husband into letting her have the black one. Uh, excuse me? No. That's MY kitten.
Oh no, what if this crazy old lady takes my cat? That cat is perfect for me. We are perfect for each other. I am not gunna let that lady take my cat home. It doesn't matter anyway, she is getting NOWHERE with her husband. and, before I know it, my baby kitten is back in my hands. She crawls up my should and nestles into my neck. Yep.
"I'll take her" I say, and the woman happily parts ways with the kitten. She is so beautiful, as I am sure you can see. She has a spray of white on her know that looks like a star and the rest of her is pitch black (except for her feet.) hence the reason I named her Stella Luna, and while my other amazing cat Malabar hates both me and Stella Luna right now, I am hoping she too will come around and fall in lover wither her new sister soon.
So Saturday, it's my first day back to work after almost two weeks. I walk into a complete catastrophe of Street Fair apps, emails, phone messages, blah blah blah. I worked through the morning trying desperately to unbury myself from the rumble that comes from being away from one's job for such a long time. Anyhow, some time after noon, maybe one- my coworker, my boss and I are standing outside of the office for various reasons... Stephanie and I were having a Smoke, my boss was talking on her phone since she cannot get service in the office; I guess the reasons are not all that important... So, anyway, this woman walks up to Stephanie and I and she is carrying a cardboard box...
She sits down on the bench in front of Steph and I and proceeds to pull out not one, not two, not three, but four TINY tiny baby kittens.
"Y'all want a kitten?" She asks.
Stephanie declines right away, "I can't do cats, I am allergic" She remarks slyly. I pick one up.
NO!!! Holly, you know what this is going to do to you. You are far too week willed to hold a kitten. Your not allowed in Pet stores, and shelters for a reason!
Too late. I'm already holding two. One in my arms, the other has crawled up and perched itself on my neck. And they are SO SO SO tiny. And CUTE, did I mention they are super cute?! Shit. Now I've got a third in other arm.
No. Malabar is the cutest cat in the world, you already own the best cat ever. Plus, these are babies, she would get jealous. Baby kittens are a lot of work, maybe not quite as much of a time commitment as a puppy they.... but, after that, cats are perfect for you! They are independent, but also loving and content animals... and wouldn't it be nice for Malabar to have a playmate?! Yes, yes, a playmate for Malabar, she would love that!
This black one is so so so sweet! Look at her fierce blue eyes! She is so quiet and shy, she needs a mamma! Oh, she is so tiny! I just love love her up...
"What are their genders I ask?" I have an un-fixed female at home already, I can only get one if it is a girl. And really, I do not need another cat. Well, only if the black one is a girl. If the black one is a girl then I can take her home because that would be like a sign. Unless... unless the black on isn't a girl. Then I will have to think about the gray one. Ok, if the black one or the gray one is a girl I can take one of them home.
"Oh, your not sure of the genders? Oh. Alright. Well, I can't take one unless I know it is a girl." That calico one is beautiful, I could take her home if she were a girl. And just as if serendipity were to reach down and tap me on the shoulder, a couple of older women walk up. They are oogling over the cute little kittens and one women says she knows how to tell genders. Hooray!!! I can get a kitten if there is a girl in the litter. So, one by one, the woman checks each kitten out, and wouldn't you know. The WHOLE LITTER is females!
I am so excited I almost squeal like a school girl. And, for a brief moment, I contemplate snatching the box and all four kittens up. And then, images of the old and ghastly cat lady flash through my mind... Ugh, it makes me feel yucky inside. Like I am considering social suicide. Wait, where's the black one at?! Where is MY kitten?! I whirl around to see one of the older ladies desperately trying to talk her husband into letting her have the black one. Uh, excuse me? No. That's MY kitten.
Oh no, what if this crazy old lady takes my cat? That cat is perfect for me. We are perfect for each other. I am not gunna let that lady take my cat home. It doesn't matter anyway, she is getting NOWHERE with her husband. and, before I know it, my baby kitten is back in my hands. She crawls up my should and nestles into my neck. Yep.
"I'll take her" I say, and the woman happily parts ways with the kitten. She is so beautiful, as I am sure you can see. She has a spray of white on her know that looks like a star and the rest of her is pitch black (except for her feet.) hence the reason I named her Stella Luna, and while my other amazing cat Malabar hates both me and Stella Luna right now, I am hoping she too will come around and fall in lover wither her new sister soon.
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