Today is one of those days where my heart is beating wide open... I am sure listening to Band of Horses is helping that feeling right along! I am just acutely aware today of how important all the moments in life are...The amazing ones... the sad ones... the scary ones...the moments filled with incredible hope and joy...the empathetic moments... those moments in between any discernible feelings... They are all so incredibly important, especially the moments where we stop to appreciate all that has happened and will happen.
Sure, I don't always appreciate every moment, but, I am working on that. I am working on removing the good/bad dualistic judgment I have had for most of my life (thank you western society!)...I am attempting to move away from 'either or' and start looking at things as 'both and'. It's hard. SUPER HARD, breaking a life long habit, but allowing myself to expand my own capacity is also really rewarding...
It's crazy how things in my head have begun to shift since I decided to loosen my grip on the illusion of control I had over my life... I have spent a lot of time giving the advice that I am finally beginning to take myself...let go and let it flow. I'll admit, letting go is insanely scary at the start, but it is insanely freeing if you can just white knuckle through the scary part! I honestly feel as though I found that rhythm in my life I had lost for a bit, and once the rhythm re-appears, it is tough for your heart to do anything but beat wide open...
I am so excited to finally be back to that place where I am happy and secure within myself...where no matter what happens in a day I choose how it effects me. I really, really like this new relationship I am in with myself, it seems as though I have been searching for a partner for a life time and I am just now realizing that what I was searching for was within me all along. This is the best relationship I have ever had...sometimes it is hectic and scary, but at least now I know that I am always right there with me! And, it's true, No One's Ever Gonna Love You more than I do...
Monday, April 4, 2011
Friday, April 1, 2011
Life Support
All my life I have prided myself on being dynamic, ever evolving, trying to grow at every opportunity etc. But recently, I realized that the growth I pride myself on happens in spurts as opposed to the continuous flow I had once thought I maintained. So, that got me thinking-what is it that allows my growth to wax and wane? What is it that makes some people in this world great and others to be content with good enough?
The answers to those questions have been revealing themselves to my consciousness lately... Not that the answers were not there all along, more that I am finally coming to a spot where I can be consciously aware of them. The disruption in the flow of growth, as well as what allows some to settle for 'good enough' comes from within- Now, I am not saying that anyone (including myself) has that kind of inner dialogue- like "well, it seems as though we have made great strides, so lets just take a break" Nor am I saying that any of us really know that we are settling for good enough when we do. But growth is an extremely tricky, slippery slope; and sometimes it is easy to lose ourselves in that singular moment of patting ourselves on the back for a job well done. Then, before ya know it you have 'settled down and settled in' for the next 6 months, year, maybe even decade.
That shift in focus for me, usually comes from and outside source that I allow myself to be distracted with (Oh look! Something shiny!!!) And without even realizing it, I have derailed my growth attempts in favor of the newest favorite thing in my life. This business of growth is more of a discipline than a process. It takes time, diligence, practice and perseverance, it really is no wonder that we end up taking breaks from it... it is tough stuff!!! The problem with breaks is that (at least for me) they never end up being 15 minutes, or even an evening...they turn in to that settle period without my even noticing.
Once the settling has begun, it overtakes most areas of life, and the backslide down the slippery slope begins. It's not a landslide pace, it's slow, centimeters a month so to speak... at this pace it is very tough to even realize one is in backwards motion, and so the backslide continues on down the slope. Now, we are not only not growing, but we are also slowly slipping into old habits, patterns and familiarities. Things that we had previously grown out of or evolved from are now beginning to re-appear in our lives, and they fit like a tailored suit, so we do not notice, because for the most part we are 'content', and when we are content there seems no reason to change... if it ain't broke don't fix it right? But what happens if it is broken, and we have merely convinced ourselves of a new reality of 'broken'?
I learned recently that growth comes out of the proper mix of challenge and support... If we are not challenged in life, we see no reason to reach forward and upward... why would we when where we are seems good enough? But, without the proper amount of support to those challenges we will feel defeated, deflated and frustrated, and consequently we will quit trying to grow. Makes sense really, and, I think this hypothesis further answers my two original questions. In order to remember that I am trying to reach the bar in front of me, the one that remains just millimeters from my grasp, I need to surround myself with people who are also trying to reach for their own bars. We will share similar struggles and victories on our own respective quests for growth and greatness, and that dialogue will allow me to stay focused on my bar. I think that it is this process that leads some out of 'good enough' to greatness...whatever that may mean for each of us.
The key, as it always seems to come back round to, is awareness. Awareness of self and the processes that are happening in the mind on the moment to moment basis, awareness of others...do those that I surround myself with share similar goals of yearning for their own personal growth and greatness? Because, if not, this can certainly derail my process, and I have no more time to wane... so, on this day I re-affirm my will to do as much as I possibly can to stay conscious of my own process as well as my surroundings... I want to support those who support me. That being said, I cannot support those who cannot on some level support their own growth because they will never be able to support me. That slippery slope of growth becomes deep water to tread when others around us are drowning... and the only thing that drowning victim can do in their moments of despair is try everything to take you down with them... I was a life guard long enough... I think it is time to focus on my own bar.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Stella Luna
For a very few things in life I am a total and complete sucker. Some are silly- Like 16 and Pregnant on MTV, some are complete brain rotting guilty pleasures (ahem, Jersey Shore), others are totally understandable- babies of my friends and family, and---- KITTENS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Who in their right mind doesn't love kittens?! I don't trust somebody whose heart doesn't completely melt at the first sight of kittens. Even if your not a cat person... that's like hating babies. SOOOOOOOO anyways, I'm a sucker for kittens. Established.
So Saturday, it's my first day back to work after almost two weeks. I walk into a complete catastrophe of Street Fair apps, emails, phone messages, blah blah blah. I worked through the morning trying desperately to unbury myself from the rumble that comes from being away from one's job for such a long time. Anyhow, some time after noon, maybe one- my coworker, my boss and I are standing outside of the office for various reasons... Stephanie and I were having a Smoke, my boss was talking on her phone since she cannot get service in the office; I guess the reasons are not all that important... So, anyway, this woman walks up to Stephanie and I and she is carrying a cardboard box...
She sits down on the bench in front of Steph and I and proceeds to pull out not one, not two, not three, but four TINY tiny baby kittens.
"Y'all want a kitten?" She asks.
Stephanie declines right away, "I can't do cats, I am allergic" She remarks slyly. I pick one up.
NO!!! Holly, you know what this is going to do to you. You are far too week willed to hold a kitten. Your not allowed in Pet stores, and shelters for a reason!
Too late. I'm already holding two. One in my arms, the other has crawled up and perched itself on my neck. And they are SO SO SO tiny. And CUTE, did I mention they are super cute?! Shit. Now I've got a third in other arm.
No. Malabar is the cutest cat in the world, you already own the best cat ever. Plus, these are babies, she would get jealous. Baby kittens are a lot of work, maybe not quite as much of a time commitment as a puppy they.... but, after that, cats are perfect for you! They are independent, but also loving and content animals... and wouldn't it be nice for Malabar to have a playmate?! Yes, yes, a playmate for Malabar, she would love that!
This black one is so so so sweet! Look at her fierce blue eyes! She is so quiet and shy, she needs a mamma! Oh, she is so tiny! I just love love her up...
"What are their genders I ask?" I have an un-fixed female at home already, I can only get one if it is a girl. And really, I do not need another cat. Well, only if the black one is a girl. If the black one is a girl then I can take her home because that would be like a sign. Unless... unless the black on isn't a girl. Then I will have to think about the gray one. Ok, if the black one or the gray one is a girl I can take one of them home.
"Oh, your not sure of the genders? Oh. Alright. Well, I can't take one unless I know it is a girl." That calico one is beautiful, I could take her home if she were a girl. And just as if serendipity were to reach down and tap me on the shoulder, a couple of older women walk up. They are oogling over the cute little kittens and one women says she knows how to tell genders. Hooray!!! I can get a kitten if there is a girl in the litter. So, one by one, the woman checks each kitten out, and wouldn't you know. The WHOLE LITTER is females!
I am so excited I almost squeal like a school girl. And, for a brief moment, I contemplate snatching the box and all four kittens up. And then, images of the old and ghastly cat lady flash through my mind... Ugh, it makes me feel yucky inside. Like I am considering social suicide. Wait, where's the black one at?! Where is MY kitten?! I whirl around to see one of the older ladies desperately trying to talk her husband into letting her have the black one. Uh, excuse me? No. That's MY kitten.
Oh no, what if this crazy old lady takes my cat? That cat is perfect for me. We are perfect for each other. I am not gunna let that lady take my cat home. It doesn't matter anyway, she is getting NOWHERE with her husband. and, before I know it, my baby kitten is back in my hands. She crawls up my should and nestles into my neck. Yep.
"I'll take her" I say, and the woman happily parts ways with the kitten. She is so beautiful, as I am sure you can see. She has a spray of white on her know that looks like a star and the rest of her is pitch black (except for her feet.) hence the reason I named her Stella Luna, and while my other amazing cat Malabar hates both me and Stella Luna right now, I am hoping she too will come around and fall in lover wither her new sister soon.
So Saturday, it's my first day back to work after almost two weeks. I walk into a complete catastrophe of Street Fair apps, emails, phone messages, blah blah blah. I worked through the morning trying desperately to unbury myself from the rumble that comes from being away from one's job for such a long time. Anyhow, some time after noon, maybe one- my coworker, my boss and I are standing outside of the office for various reasons... Stephanie and I were having a Smoke, my boss was talking on her phone since she cannot get service in the office; I guess the reasons are not all that important... So, anyway, this woman walks up to Stephanie and I and she is carrying a cardboard box...
She sits down on the bench in front of Steph and I and proceeds to pull out not one, not two, not three, but four TINY tiny baby kittens.
"Y'all want a kitten?" She asks.
Stephanie declines right away, "I can't do cats, I am allergic" She remarks slyly. I pick one up.
NO!!! Holly, you know what this is going to do to you. You are far too week willed to hold a kitten. Your not allowed in Pet stores, and shelters for a reason!
Too late. I'm already holding two. One in my arms, the other has crawled up and perched itself on my neck. And they are SO SO SO tiny. And CUTE, did I mention they are super cute?! Shit. Now I've got a third in other arm.
No. Malabar is the cutest cat in the world, you already own the best cat ever. Plus, these are babies, she would get jealous. Baby kittens are a lot of work, maybe not quite as much of a time commitment as a puppy they.... but, after that, cats are perfect for you! They are independent, but also loving and content animals... and wouldn't it be nice for Malabar to have a playmate?! Yes, yes, a playmate for Malabar, she would love that!
This black one is so so so sweet! Look at her fierce blue eyes! She is so quiet and shy, she needs a mamma! Oh, she is so tiny! I just love love her up...
"What are their genders I ask?" I have an un-fixed female at home already, I can only get one if it is a girl. And really, I do not need another cat. Well, only if the black one is a girl. If the black one is a girl then I can take her home because that would be like a sign. Unless... unless the black on isn't a girl. Then I will have to think about the gray one. Ok, if the black one or the gray one is a girl I can take one of them home.
"Oh, your not sure of the genders? Oh. Alright. Well, I can't take one unless I know it is a girl." That calico one is beautiful, I could take her home if she were a girl. And just as if serendipity were to reach down and tap me on the shoulder, a couple of older women walk up. They are oogling over the cute little kittens and one women says she knows how to tell genders. Hooray!!! I can get a kitten if there is a girl in the litter. So, one by one, the woman checks each kitten out, and wouldn't you know. The WHOLE LITTER is females!
I am so excited I almost squeal like a school girl. And, for a brief moment, I contemplate snatching the box and all four kittens up. And then, images of the old and ghastly cat lady flash through my mind... Ugh, it makes me feel yucky inside. Like I am considering social suicide. Wait, where's the black one at?! Where is MY kitten?! I whirl around to see one of the older ladies desperately trying to talk her husband into letting her have the black one. Uh, excuse me? No. That's MY kitten.
Oh no, what if this crazy old lady takes my cat? That cat is perfect for me. We are perfect for each other. I am not gunna let that lady take my cat home. It doesn't matter anyway, she is getting NOWHERE with her husband. and, before I know it, my baby kitten is back in my hands. She crawls up my should and nestles into my neck. Yep.
"I'll take her" I say, and the woman happily parts ways with the kitten. She is so beautiful, as I am sure you can see. She has a spray of white on her know that looks like a star and the rest of her is pitch black (except for her feet.) hence the reason I named her Stella Luna, and while my other amazing cat Malabar hates both me and Stella Luna right now, I am hoping she too will come around and fall in lover wither her new sister soon.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Jameson Items
Ladies and Gentlemen! For your reading pleasure... a tandem entry... offered to you from me and my most favoritest tandem partner, Tea Cup- some of you may know her as Grateful Mama... Some years back, when we first met, Tea and I went on the great tandem bike ride of '05... it is really an entirely different story, but the point is- riding a tandem bike is a lot like a relationship....it is super tough, and takes a lot of work...So, we have been sitting brainstorming this shopping list concept and thought we would jot it down for laughs...or maybe future reference...so here it goes...
Pooling our past experiences, we have come up with a few items collectively that are deal breakers, while we use first person singular, we mean we :) This is a list in progress, we reserve the right to amend as we see fit! Besides, we aren't going shopping just yet anyway, these are just things we think most girls would agree with!
Item 1- a sense of humor, and a healthy amount of wit and sarcasm are essential!!... That is, one must be able to both take it and dish it out...For example, say I am at a man's house, he is tired and is kindly asking me to go. He states, "I am tired, I probably need to get some sleep." I respond (even saying this with laughter!), "You're kicking me out?!" He looks at me, offended, and simply states, "Are you kidding? Yes!" So, needless to say... sarcasm, very important.
Item 2 Mood Swings! Meaning experiencing the complete range on the emotional spectrum... not just happy all the time, but sad, angry, excited, silly, stupid, arrogant (sometimes...a dude that is cocky all the time...not ok.)etc. The second half of that is to be able to experience the emotions of your partner as well... and not "don't be sad" Just let me fuckin feel it, I don't need someone to fix me, I just want someone to feel me while giving me space.
Item 3 Modern Day Chivalry- I want some one who will stand up for me... Like if we are out and someone says or does something that is fucked up to me, I want someone who will step up. This is different than fighting my battles for me, I am a big girl, and can do that on my own, but if we are partners than I want to know you've got my back. Open my door for me once in a while...cook dinner WITH me! If I am wearing heels ESPECIALLY if drinks are involved- offer me your fuckin arm!
Item 4-Accountability- Not saying I will be wrong often, but in the rare instance that I am, I want someone who will call me on my shit- in the most loving caring way... This could also be described as having a backbone... I want you to be able to stand up for yourself, I will stand up for you, by you, with you, but you need to have a substantial amount of inner strength. Make me accountable, but don't be domineering about it...and be accountable to yourself as well.
Item 5-Communication and Connection- This could easily be number one, it is so important for me to be able to say what I feel and I expect the same...totally done with unspoken expectations, misunderstandings and fights because the other half refuses to communicate... there really is no need to argue if we can both talk to each other in an open an honest way...Connection comes in many different forms, there is the emotional connection, but just as important is the physical... not that sex is everything, but, it is pretty important...and I am not talking about fucking (although, a good fuck is a good fuck) but making love, a good lover is so important, someone who is present, in that moment, someone who is as attentive to my needs as I am to theirs. Making love is the ultimate communication and connection in harmony.
Item 6-Ability to find the fun in EVERYTHING!!! Sure, it won't always be rainbows and unicorns, life is hard sometimes, but it doesn't mean the tedious tasks in life can't be fun if you do them together... whats wrong with having a dish soap fight every once in a while?! I want to enjoy every moment in life, so I need a partner who wants the same...
Item 7 - As Is Clause - This is important. I want a man that I like and love, as is. I expect the same from him. I am not looking to buy this house, that I say I love, only to turn around and decide I would actually love this house if it were a completely different home.When I say I'll take you, I meant as is.
Item 8 - Romance in the pants! Okay, not entirely, but romance is a must. I am not asking that you fly me out of the country to wine and dine on a whim. I am looking for the random and occasional, just because, romance. Its the little things that let me know your thinking of me...leave me a random note, leave a flower on my car, run your fingers through my hair...give me a massage... tell me I am beautiful, HOLD MY HAND!!! To me, romance is as much about the thought as it is the action...
Item 9 - Spontaneity - Please, I ask that we have every moment of our individual and coupled lives not be planned. We do not always need to just have sex on the bed. The kitchen counter might be nice. Tie me up, if you must. On that one Sunday when we might just be enjoying our time together, let's hop in the car and go somewhere. Who cares where it takes us? Be excited about the journey and forget about the destination. Where ever we end up is going to be perfect.
Item 10 - Family and friends - These are two of the largest aspects and loves of my life. Finding someone that understands the depth of my love and commitment to these two areas of my life is beyond important. In a partnership, there is obviously going to be a bit of give and take. Perhaps you have a family member in the hospital, the hospital is not exactly my favorite place in the world, but it is your family. That is what is important. If there is an aspect of your life that is important to you, it will be important to me and I will be there by your side. I am a package deal. You can tell me that you love me as much as you so please, but by being there, you will show me.
Item 11 - Goals and dreams - It is crucial that there be goals and dreams in your heart and mind. However, there should be some balance between being a dreamer and being realistic. Having goals and dreams gives us a little extra push in life. That doesn't mean that your head ought to be spent wandering about the clouds day in and day out. I am not asking that you have dreams to end all war and poverty, let's face it, you probably won't get there. However, if you have a goal such as obtaining a career... or bettering yourself in some way that is definitely a plus... And supporting my dreams and goals is equally important.
Pooling our past experiences, we have come up with a few items collectively that are deal breakers, while we use first person singular, we mean we :) This is a list in progress, we reserve the right to amend as we see fit! Besides, we aren't going shopping just yet anyway, these are just things we think most girls would agree with!
Item 1- a sense of humor, and a healthy amount of wit and sarcasm are essential!!... That is, one must be able to both take it and dish it out...For example, say I am at a man's house, he is tired and is kindly asking me to go. He states, "I am tired, I probably need to get some sleep." I respond (even saying this with laughter!), "You're kicking me out?!" He looks at me, offended, and simply states, "Are you kidding? Yes!" So, needless to say... sarcasm, very important.
Item 2 Mood Swings! Meaning experiencing the complete range on the emotional spectrum... not just happy all the time, but sad, angry, excited, silly, stupid, arrogant (sometimes...a dude that is cocky all the time...not ok.)etc. The second half of that is to be able to experience the emotions of your partner as well... and not "don't be sad" Just let me fuckin feel it, I don't need someone to fix me, I just want someone to feel me while giving me space.
Item 3 Modern Day Chivalry- I want some one who will stand up for me... Like if we are out and someone says or does something that is fucked up to me, I want someone who will step up. This is different than fighting my battles for me, I am a big girl, and can do that on my own, but if we are partners than I want to know you've got my back. Open my door for me once in a while...cook dinner WITH me! If I am wearing heels ESPECIALLY if drinks are involved- offer me your fuckin arm!
Item 4-Accountability- Not saying I will be wrong often, but in the rare instance that I am, I want someone who will call me on my shit- in the most loving caring way... This could also be described as having a backbone... I want you to be able to stand up for yourself, I will stand up for you, by you, with you, but you need to have a substantial amount of inner strength. Make me accountable, but don't be domineering about it...and be accountable to yourself as well.
Item 5-Communication and Connection- This could easily be number one, it is so important for me to be able to say what I feel and I expect the same...totally done with unspoken expectations, misunderstandings and fights because the other half refuses to communicate... there really is no need to argue if we can both talk to each other in an open an honest way...Connection comes in many different forms, there is the emotional connection, but just as important is the physical... not that sex is everything, but, it is pretty important...and I am not talking about fucking (although, a good fuck is a good fuck) but making love, a good lover is so important, someone who is present, in that moment, someone who is as attentive to my needs as I am to theirs. Making love is the ultimate communication and connection in harmony.
Item 6-Ability to find the fun in EVERYTHING!!! Sure, it won't always be rainbows and unicorns, life is hard sometimes, but it doesn't mean the tedious tasks in life can't be fun if you do them together... whats wrong with having a dish soap fight every once in a while?! I want to enjoy every moment in life, so I need a partner who wants the same...
Item 7 - As Is Clause - This is important. I want a man that I like and love, as is. I expect the same from him. I am not looking to buy this house, that I say I love, only to turn around and decide I would actually love this house if it were a completely different home.When I say I'll take you, I meant as is.
Item 8 - Romance in the pants! Okay, not entirely, but romance is a must. I am not asking that you fly me out of the country to wine and dine on a whim. I am looking for the random and occasional, just because, romance. Its the little things that let me know your thinking of me...leave me a random note, leave a flower on my car, run your fingers through my hair...give me a massage... tell me I am beautiful, HOLD MY HAND!!! To me, romance is as much about the thought as it is the action...
Item 9 - Spontaneity - Please, I ask that we have every moment of our individual and coupled lives not be planned. We do not always need to just have sex on the bed. The kitchen counter might be nice. Tie me up, if you must. On that one Sunday when we might just be enjoying our time together, let's hop in the car and go somewhere. Who cares where it takes us? Be excited about the journey and forget about the destination. Where ever we end up is going to be perfect.
Item 10 - Family and friends - These are two of the largest aspects and loves of my life. Finding someone that understands the depth of my love and commitment to these two areas of my life is beyond important. In a partnership, there is obviously going to be a bit of give and take. Perhaps you have a family member in the hospital, the hospital is not exactly my favorite place in the world, but it is your family. That is what is important. If there is an aspect of your life that is important to you, it will be important to me and I will be there by your side. I am a package deal. You can tell me that you love me as much as you so please, but by being there, you will show me.
Item 11 - Goals and dreams - It is crucial that there be goals and dreams in your heart and mind. However, there should be some balance between being a dreamer and being realistic. Having goals and dreams gives us a little extra push in life. That doesn't mean that your head ought to be spent wandering about the clouds day in and day out. I am not asking that you have dreams to end all war and poverty, let's face it, you probably won't get there. However, if you have a goal such as obtaining a career... or bettering yourself in some way that is definitely a plus... And supporting my dreams and goals is equally important.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Contemplations of a Shopping List
AHHHH!! This is a full week today of not feeling great... I am getting really tired of solitary confinement to bed. Anyway, all this alone time has left me lots and lots of time to think and contemplate which got me thinking about a subject a few of my friends and I have been joking about recently....
We are all semi-recently single and have begun to look at ourselves and our relationship patterns- what works, what doesn't... seems fairly simple until you are really tasked with doing it...then the water gets a little murky. So, we have realized that finding a mate is a lot like shopping. One friend put it very succinctly- I will paraphrase to the best of my memory- "I like shopping at Target. They have tons of selection for many different things and I can generally go there and get all of my shopping done in just one trip. But sometimes, they don't have exactly what I am looking for. They may have a cheaper, chintzier version, but for the investment I am about to make, it simply is not what I want or need. It is tough not to just say screw it and buy the inferior product... it is right here, much more convenient then having to schlep around to various stores looking for the right thing... I could just buy this inferior product and try to repair it down the road when it breaks... or I could even throw it out when it malfunctions and purchase an entirely new one. It's an impulse buy really." And boy am I a sucker for an impulse buy... it is not at all what I need or want, but it's right there, lookin so cute and stylish... My other issue is that I tend to find something that works for me (maybe not what works best, but works) and purchase ten of the same item... this explains why 99% of my wardrobe is black. Black shirts, black dresses, black shirt dresses... more then once I have been accused of being 'Gothic' and while I am not sure what exactly that entails, I do get that it may be an easy conclusion to come to based upon what I wear day in and day out.
But those black items... most of them are faves in my wardrobe... everyone is always encouraging me to 'step out on a limb' wear some color... and I have...I recently purchased a red dress. Phew! talk about stepping out on a limb! I feel as though I am screaming at everyone when I wear it... HEY! HEY YOU! LOOK AT ME, I AM WEARING A BRIGHT RED DRESS! Of course, that is not what I mean when I wear it, and I am guessing most people don't see it that way, but I feel funny none the less... I suppose coming out of my comfort zone is going to come with a certain amount of...well, discomfort. And, no pain no gain right?
So, you get the picture right? I have toyed with this story in my head for the last couple of months and now I think it is time to take the next step. I need a shopping list. Every single time I go to the grocery without a list I end up regretting it... I forget the one damned thing I went to the store for to begin with or I come home with a bunch of ridiculous ingredients that do not go together what-so-ever, or I spend a fortune on junk. Same thing happens when I go to Target- no list and I walk out with makeup, shoes and jewelry when what I needed was deodorant, shampoo and face wash. It is tough not to get distracted by all the pretty, shiny trinkets in the store- even if I walk in with the best of responsible intentions, my inner three-year-old-impulsive-self-gratification kicks in and I walk straight past the deodorant to the nail polish. What I need, you can't get at Target, it is more of an 'investment piece'- something I need to shop around for so I can be sure to get the best possible product for my time, money and energy.
So in a preemptive effort to derail my inner self saboteur, I think it is necessary to compile a list of what I am shopping for... and after hours of further contemplation I now realize this is not going to be an easy list to put together. I did not realize how tough it is to put some of this into word form... I'll get there though... I can't make a purchase until I finish the list and I can't make the list until I figure out exactly what I need!
We are all semi-recently single and have begun to look at ourselves and our relationship patterns- what works, what doesn't... seems fairly simple until you are really tasked with doing it...then the water gets a little murky. So, we have realized that finding a mate is a lot like shopping. One friend put it very succinctly- I will paraphrase to the best of my memory- "I like shopping at Target. They have tons of selection for many different things and I can generally go there and get all of my shopping done in just one trip. But sometimes, they don't have exactly what I am looking for. They may have a cheaper, chintzier version, but for the investment I am about to make, it simply is not what I want or need. It is tough not to just say screw it and buy the inferior product... it is right here, much more convenient then having to schlep around to various stores looking for the right thing... I could just buy this inferior product and try to repair it down the road when it breaks... or I could even throw it out when it malfunctions and purchase an entirely new one. It's an impulse buy really." And boy am I a sucker for an impulse buy... it is not at all what I need or want, but it's right there, lookin so cute and stylish... My other issue is that I tend to find something that works for me (maybe not what works best, but works) and purchase ten of the same item... this explains why 99% of my wardrobe is black. Black shirts, black dresses, black shirt dresses... more then once I have been accused of being 'Gothic' and while I am not sure what exactly that entails, I do get that it may be an easy conclusion to come to based upon what I wear day in and day out.
But those black items... most of them are faves in my wardrobe... everyone is always encouraging me to 'step out on a limb' wear some color... and I have...I recently purchased a red dress. Phew! talk about stepping out on a limb! I feel as though I am screaming at everyone when I wear it... HEY! HEY YOU! LOOK AT ME, I AM WEARING A BRIGHT RED DRESS! Of course, that is not what I mean when I wear it, and I am guessing most people don't see it that way, but I feel funny none the less... I suppose coming out of my comfort zone is going to come with a certain amount of...well, discomfort. And, no pain no gain right?
So, you get the picture right? I have toyed with this story in my head for the last couple of months and now I think it is time to take the next step. I need a shopping list. Every single time I go to the grocery without a list I end up regretting it... I forget the one damned thing I went to the store for to begin with or I come home with a bunch of ridiculous ingredients that do not go together what-so-ever, or I spend a fortune on junk. Same thing happens when I go to Target- no list and I walk out with makeup, shoes and jewelry when what I needed was deodorant, shampoo and face wash. It is tough not to get distracted by all the pretty, shiny trinkets in the store- even if I walk in with the best of responsible intentions, my inner three-year-old-impulsive-self-gratification kicks in and I walk straight past the deodorant to the nail polish. What I need, you can't get at Target, it is more of an 'investment piece'- something I need to shop around for so I can be sure to get the best possible product for my time, money and energy.
So in a preemptive effort to derail my inner self saboteur, I think it is necessary to compile a list of what I am shopping for... and after hours of further contemplation I now realize this is not going to be an easy list to put together. I did not realize how tough it is to put some of this into word form... I'll get there though... I can't make a purchase until I finish the list and I can't make the list until I figure out exactly what I need!
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Bassett Hounds in the Sahara
Western medicine is a funny thing, we take pills to 'feel better' but often suffer more from the side effects than from the original symptoms... we have all seen the anti-depressant commercials on TV... the side effects for those meds are enough to make a depressed person say 'you know what, fuck it, it isn't worth it.' Sure, we will relieve your depression, but in turn you will gain 75 lbs, be unable to control your bladder or rectal functions or facial expressions, you will drool on your self non-stop, your hair is going to fall out and one in 10,000,000 start lactating, which is fine because not only are you now wholly unattractive, but even if you have an ounce of libido left these meds will turn your vagina into the sandy, arid Sahara or have your dick standing at attention like the floppy ears of a bassett hound. But, hey it could be worse right? AT LEAST your not depressed.
When I arrived at the hospital to be prepped for surgery the nice lady getting me ready told me that she was going to be giving me a shot to numb the spot they would be inserting the IV in. Really? So, you are giving me a needle to numb the spot where you are sticking a needle?! I have had IV's before, they are not extremely pleasant, but no worse than the numbing shot for the shot. They gave me a pill to empty my stomach, and then one to counteract the heartburn that would come from that AND THEN one for the nausea that would undoubtedly result from ingesting all those pills on an empty stomach. Talk about the long way around eh?! What are we coming to in this world? We have pills to counteract the pills we take to feel better which inadvertently make us feel worse... kind of like once you have your tonsils removed you'll never have a sore throat again, you just have to endure two weeks of the worse sore throat ever after having them removed then- your in the clear! Awesome.
So, what's my point in all of this? Hell, I don't know, I forgot what I was trying to say five words into this post. I sit hear today, wanting desperately to articulate all the stuff that has been rotting in my brain for the past 5 days and I am stuck. My brain's still stuck in the codeine cloud, my fingers are heavy to drag across the keyboard, and I am not feeling particularly articulatory today. But alas, I will carry on... perhaps tomorrow I will be blessed with making a little more sense out of it all...maybe my throat will be a little less sore and my brain a slight bit sharper... I guess we shall see.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Ode to my Tonsils
Haha, I thought of writing a good bye poem to my tonsils today, but then I thought- I will not give them one more iota of my time and energy;) they have taken enough of my that already. But, I really wish I had tough bitch today! I feel like a child... I am more scared and nervous than I thought I would be. Really nervous, like tummy in knots nervous. I know, I know, it is a 'routine procedure' blah blah blah. I get that. I am not worried I won't make it through the surgery, or anything overly dramatic; I am just worried about having to check out of my life to recover. I don't have time to miss work, next week is the last week of the quarter for school- I have to write two papers, and the list goes on and on.
I guess this is yet another nudge from whatever the fuck is out there that I must make time. This is what I have to do to take care of myself, and sometimes taking care of myself takes time (actually, I suppose if I were to be totally honest-taking care of oneself ALWAYS takes time, which is probably why I avoid it like the mother fucking plague...) But, I hear ya universe, I'm doing it- I'm certainly not thrilled about it, but I am doing it.
I went to a meeting at a B&B little ways outside of Yellow Springs today... it was BEAUTIFUL!!! the most tranquil, quaint, out of the way restored log cabin on a bunch of acreage... that is the kind of 'taking care of myself' I want to do. Made me think of the B&B's in Ireland...I could easily convince myself I was some where far far away at this cabin. I want to dissapear there for a weekend! No phone. No computer. No work. No school. No stupid tonsils. Just peace. Oh well. someday soon I will be swept off my feet, until then... I guess I will just have to settle for good drugs and ice chips;)
I guess this is yet another nudge from whatever the fuck is out there that I must make time. This is what I have to do to take care of myself, and sometimes taking care of myself takes time (actually, I suppose if I were to be totally honest-taking care of oneself ALWAYS takes time, which is probably why I avoid it like the mother fucking plague...) But, I hear ya universe, I'm doing it- I'm certainly not thrilled about it, but I am doing it.
I went to a meeting at a B&B little ways outside of Yellow Springs today... it was BEAUTIFUL!!! the most tranquil, quaint, out of the way restored log cabin on a bunch of acreage... that is the kind of 'taking care of myself' I want to do. Made me think of the B&B's in Ireland...I could easily convince myself I was some where far far away at this cabin. I want to dissapear there for a weekend! No phone. No computer. No work. No school. No stupid tonsils. Just peace. Oh well. someday soon I will be swept off my feet, until then... I guess I will just have to settle for good drugs and ice chips;)
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