Happily Ever After

Hopes and Dreams.  We all have them, in fact most of us have people in our lives who have hopes and dreams for us as well.  Other's hopes and dreams come in the form of well wishes...parents wanting desperately for their children to be happy and successful, friends supporting one another to obtain their goals..etc.  They shift and change as we grow and learn throughout our lives...For example, when I was a child, maybe 5 or so, my dream was to marry my grandfather.  No, not in a weird way, in the way that I was the center of his universe and he was the center of mine, in that beautiful age of innocence he was my hero.  Anyway, hopes and dreams are the public version of what we want...what we will tell the rest of the world out of fear that our deepest fantasies may not be accepted by the rest of the world. Not only that, but we will set ourselves up not to seek out our fantasies for fear of missing the mark.  I am not speculating here, this is all from experience.

I have never really verbalized my own hopes, dreams or fantasies, but since I started thinking about it I have surprised myself with what I truly want in life.  My hopes are to be happy, to have a life rich in relationships-platonic and love based, and to have a purpose whatever that may be. My fantasy is a bit more our there.  I want a fairytale- and thankfully I have come to a point in my life where I have realized that I get to write my own fairytale, I control who the hero and villains are, the setting, the scene and the ending...Ok, so I don't have control over the whole thing, but I do have control as to what characters I choose to write in and who I choose to write out.  This one variable pretty much sets up the entire story. 

It is less about Prince Charming and more about happily ever after, I do not know exactly what that looks like yet, but I am sure I will know when I get there! I suppose in a way, I am still looking to fulfill that dream from when I was five...What I am searching for are quality people to fill the roles in my story.  People who bring personality and life to the tale I tell everyday.  And, I am getting there, my story has an amazing cast of characters thus far. And I know my story will continue to be written everyday. Some days it's less a fairytale and more a daytime drama, but that's okay, we all need a little drama woven into the mundane... it keeps us on our toes!

I guess I am attempting to stay honest with myself... if I don't out my own fantasy it will be too tempting to box it up and store it away in favor of something easier (albeit less rewarding).  It takes a good deal of patience and perseverance to wait for what we truly want...or even wait until we figure out what we truly want!  To be still until what we deserve comes our way as opposed to what we think we want...or what makes for a good story.  I sometimes refer to this as letting it happen organically... and I hate waiting for what will be to be... but I am always so much more satisfied when the process unravels without me stirring the pot.

I know a few people who have patiently waited while their own stories unravel until at once what they want, need and what is happening sync up... and it is truly a beautiful and magical thing.  I am so glad that there are people in my life who could set that example for me- so that I know sticking to my guns will pay off, AND so that I have the patience to know it will not happen on my time line...On the other hand, I also know people who talk until they are blue about their hopes and dreams and would not know their own fantasy if it walked up to them and slapped them in the face- because they packed that fantasy away in favor of convention long, long ago.  And I see those people and think, damn... I have been there. I have been the one sorting my life out into the categories of this is how it is and that is what has to happen.  I hated it, and I refuse to spend my life in the confines of 'that is just the way it is'.  It saddens me to think that there are some who will never wake up from that coma.  But I am grateful to be fully conscious in my own life.

So I am gunna keep drafting my fairytale... because one day, the shoe will fit, and I will lace it up and run into the sunset of my own personal happily ever after.  But for now, I am content in the here and now moments of my fairytale in the making... "I ain't no damsel in distress, and I don't need to be rescued"...but I am a Phoenix and I will always rise up from the ash:)  And, by the way, I know there are really no tragedies or villains in my story-because all the character's and scenes are contributing to what will eventually be the most amazing happily ever after!

Nature, Nurture and the Stars...

Sunshine and Cinco de Mayo... Perfect!

In continuance with yesterday's theme about how I think and process, today I am wondering about other people's processes.  What makes people make the decisions (or not make the decisions) they make? I think that the answer is super complex... it has to do with a whole host of factors and goes all the way way back to being a wee one. Take for instance how a person grew up, and what was modeled for them, but that doesn't explain it completely...I know some people who basically raised themselves and are now pretty bad-ass human beings... I also know a few people who have lived their entire life with a silver spoon in their mouths and are lazy, non-productive complainers waiting on the world to give them what they think they are owed.

So, I think the degree and kind of nurturing people get has some to do with it... along with that, environment certainly assists in development at all stages as well.  And by environment I do not mean just your home... but early choices in peer groups... hell ANY choices in friends... if you hang out with a bunch of losers it may be tough not to follow suit, even if your parents love you and you have a decent home life... I was certainly a shiny example of that... I was the lazy sack of shit snorting drugs in the bathroom in high school, but I am not now... what changed?

Being that most of my friends are now parents I have had endless conversations about these very things with many of them.  A couple in particular argue that your educational environment has a lot to do with how you turn out as an adult... Having been the *only* private schooler in my high school group of friends, I tend to go on the defensive whenever someone insists that private school is an advantage I had... I used to disagree with that... Although, after our conversation I have been dissuaded from my view point slightly...I don't think it matters whether the school is Catholic, private or public... I think it matters who is teaching/working in the school... are the classes too big for the teachers to care? Is the school too big for you  not to know most of the children and parents around your child's age?  These are the important things in my opinion... is your kid just another kid or are they one of the children the village is raising?  Does that village extend beyond the school yard? As much as socializing your child is important, I think so too is socializing yourself as a parent...

Let's come back to that modeling piece... I think that kids are the most impressionable and amazing blank canvases... I also subscribe to the whole 'parents do what they can with what they have got'...to a certain extent...I think that as much as I ramble on about mindfulness this is MOST important when you are charged with the care of a wee one.  And, this is not just the parent's job... we are all charged with being mindful as to what we present to the new generation that is beginning to arrive on the earth... this is another place where our Mr. Roger mentality  needs to be booted... As adults why not support each other in these 'adult' endeavors such as parenting? Why judge what momma A does and what daddy B does? Instead, why not support the mommas and daddy's in our lives in whatever way we can.

Okay, so we have got: how you were raised, what you are exposed to... what else? What about when and where you were born... is there something to be said about stars aligning?  I'm referring to astrology, another wildly popular topic I am sure! But I do think there is something to this piece as well... I think that the way in which we process and deal or avoid dealing with things in our lives has to do with our personality... which is linked to your astrology (in my humble opinion).  Look at people you know... what makes a Taurus so likely to be bullheaded? Aquarians to be such free spirits? Sure, there is a certain amount about who we are and how we turn out that we can mold and shape, but I also believe that some of this is predestined by birth... I intend to look at this in more detail at some point, as I am pretty ignorant on the subject...

Wow, I have rambled on and not come to any conclusions really, except this- The difference in the ways we each live out our lives comes down to personal (NOT INDIVIDUAL) choice.  If I am presented with a life challenge we can almost lay money on the fact that I will deal with it differently then another, but lets be clear, different is not individual or unique- because it has all been done before... I will merely make the choice based on my experiences and another will make their choice based on their experiences.  I have said it before, I will say it again... it is all about mimetic structures... Even if I vow to do it differently than how I was raised... doing the opposite is in fact doing the same thing if you think about it... we will always mimic that which we know, even if we are not conscious of knowing it...

Pieces of What?

Now that the paper is finished I can shift my focus back to a little experiment I have been brewing up in my head... I have always been one to be driven hard and fast by my emotions. Everything I feel I feel deeply-anger, sadness, happiness, fear... whatever the emotion in my head at the moment generally takes hold of my heart.  I used to hate this, it can be very inconvenient most of the time.  But lately I have been trying to embrace the fact that I feel my way through life as opposed to envying those who think their way through life...The thinkers always seem so calm and collected... they seem to be organized, calculated and objective.  In comparison to some thinkers, feelers may seem like loose cannons... society judges feelers as unpredictable and weak- even the sciences dealing with feelings are considered 'soft'.

So, while I do believe that living an emotionally charged life is tough at times, it is also rich and exciting. I think that living life any other way may be too boring or stale for me... but I can see the pluses to not having a visceral reaction to everything.  So, for the last month or so I have been testing out a hypothesis... Can feelers choose what they attach emotion to?  If we are conscious and purposeful is it possible to suspend emotional attachment?

So far, the answer is a shaky yes.  It takes some serious vigilance, I have to continually take the emotion out of my reaction and hold it out in front of me.  In essence I am taking the emotions that I am at all times subject to and holding them out in an objective form.  This is not easy, while I try to be as mindful as I can in my daily life, this requires a degree of attention I have not as of yet mastered.  I think that trying it out in one subject area is a good practice to be able to incorporate it in my everyday, moment to moment processing.  I am by no means professing that I am going down the path of objectivity from here on out- that would be preposterous and a gross oversight in the richness that flows from me being me.  I am simply cross-training so to speak- if my natural inclination is to do things x way, then why not try my hand at y right?

So far it is working, and so I have my fuel to keep up this little experiment and see what unfolds. There are an infinite number of ways this could pan out... I may grow tired of objectivity and fall into my ocean of emotions at any moment... I may fall pray to my emotions even with strict vigilance and constantly reminding myself to stay objective, I may dull the sharp, cutting edge of my emotions all together and decide feeling is not all it is cracked up to be... I might loose my mind and move to Ireland too, all of these are possibilities, some maybe more likely than others, but I'm gunna stick this one out... I am looking at the specific situation with an imperial mindset... when an emotional response comes up, what is that about? Where is it coming from and why?  I want to know if my emotional responses can be boiled down to simple triggers, markers, and measurable variables... if so, than in similar circumstances I should be able to change my reaction based upon the manipulation of said variables...

Seems like a lot of energy to expend on something so intangable, I know.  But what is there to conquer in life but the self we subject ourselves and others to all the time right?  There are always more corners of your own mind, experience and complexity to explore, I want to be the one who knows me best.

She's Got a Ticket to Ride

Holy uninspired lately...er maybe that's wholly.  As usual things are clicking and shifting in my mind at a rapid rate, I blame the rain for my frightening lack of ability or need to write any of it down.  But today is a day of forced inspiration... a day I have to sit down and pound out what may (or may not) be my last paper for grad school.  As usual I have dragged my feet until the very last moment to get the paper done...it's an interesting concept- procrastination.

I am no stranger to the old wire...I take it down to the nearly the last moment in everything I do, but especially when writing (assignments) are involved.  It makes some people nervous-my mother for instance, who has lived my entire academic life in crippling fear that I will not make my deadlines.  Other people assert that procrastination is a direct result of laziness, so, in their mind if I were more driven I would have had this paper finished a week ago and be cruisin' down easy street right now. To some, procrastination is about working their best under pressure... but the reason that fit my dallying the most is that I do not sit down to write the paper until the inspiration strikes me to hit the keys on the board.  Perhaps that means that I do my best work under pressure, I don't know really... all I know is that some time ago I committed to not forcing it when I write, so sometimes the best prep work I can do is to wait.

So here I sit, two days before the get the paper in or you get no credit due date and I can see absolutely why I haven't written the paper until now- because until yesterday I did not have the awareness for what I am to write about.  And magically, today I have the awareness and inspiration to write a 2800 word soliloquy on an ongoing 'conflict' in my life with which I am deeply involved.  This would be so much easier if I were able to write it on here in the informal less than educated rambling platform on which I love to write.  Unfortunately the powers that be care little about my opinion and less for my writing style; what they want is an academically written paper backed up with 6 sources written in APA format (which I fucking hate btw).

And there it is folks, right there, this is the conflict I will be blathering on about shortly-the conflict between myself and balance in my life.  I want to learn, but only on my terms.  I want to write but not with all the stiff restrictions and formatting of academia.  I want to increase the complexity of my thinking, but only in the areas that interest me today.  I want to be copacetic and prolific at the same time.  In other words, I like my pleasure spiked with pain while having my cake and eating it too, thank you very much.

I want to give the illusion of humility while secretly reveling in a job well done- the act of which nullifies personal growth completely.  I want to live out life with reckless abandon, while safely coloring within the lines of what others expect of me...and at the same time leading everyone to believe that expectations mean nothing to me. Paradoxical much? Oh yes.  Often. Dailey even.  It's a slippery slope and and a fine line, murky water, sticky webs and all of the other worn out metaphors for how things are.  All I can do is trudge on right?  There is one sliver of light at the end of the long tunnel of stories we tell ourselves... and that is the light of never being completely satisfied with the here and now.  While I am learning to appreciate the present moment, and I do know that I will always be wherever it is that my feet are, I will always yearn to move.  Maybe not always forward, and probably NEVER in a straight line or predictable trajectory, but I will always keep going.

So, I will take this momentum onward to the scary and dark pages of academia, and I will write my paper about the illusion of balance that I sell myself everyday.  And from there I will move on... where ever that may take me.  Buckle up honey, your in for a ride.

Soul Tribes

 I have had quite a number of interesting interactions lately.  Lot’s of good conversations, many moments where I paused to appreciate the similarities and differences among humanity, and I am drained, but full! I love the moments in life when the irony is so thick you could cut it with a knife.  Some may say that’s a bit of a masochistic view point, but I welcome those moments.  It is those moments that are richest and ripe for learning, at least for me.  I love when that right person appears at the exact right moment AND I can actually feel and acknowledge it happening.  That second part is the kicker, because at least in my world, everything happens just as it is supposed to, but I am not always aware of the connections.

While schlepping about for work today, I end up having not one, but two amazing conversations.  In the latter conversation we somehow got to the subject of people belonging to ‘soul tribes’…. an interesting concept to say the least.  So person’s in one’s soul tribe are people you have a connection with-  an immediate and undeniable energy, and that energy doesn’t soften with time.  No matter how long you’ve known one another, how long it has been since you last interacted, the energy is always there and always fierce.  People in your soul tribe can be friends, or lovers-the energy is different in each circumstance obviously, but it both cases it is almost magnetic. The soul tribe lover is the one, and not the one in the “I am going to marry them, they are the one” sense.  More, the one that does not and cannot ever compare with any other lover, whether it’s a lover or a significant other, the energy is unmatched and almost indescribable- it vibrates on a different frequency than the rest.   I actually believe I have met quite a few people in my soul tribe.  These are the friends that have been through it with you no matter what, and generally they know what is up with you before you tell them.  The people you meet and are instantly attracted to something about them.  The people you can talk to for hours about bullshit or the deepest shit and still achieve the same feeling of completeness at the end of the conversation. Meeting members of your soul tribe is a gift- something to recognize, cherish and cultivate.  But I believe that both the mind and soul must be open in order to recognize these opportunities when they arise.  How often do we go about our day on auto pilot? One of my professors used to say- who drove your car to school?! We have to be pinging at a certain level of consciousness in order to realize when someone is making an amazing impact on our energy.

It happens all the time with regards to those who are sucking the energy out of us, most of us will recognize those interactions as unhealthy and stay away from said people, interesting that we do not always appreciate those who feed our souls…  I believe that once that energy is in place within one’s self, it then becomes easier to recognize other members of our tribe.  And once we have opened ourselves up to recognizing these connections we can build upon that... and the process continues.  Of course, to many the concept of a soul tribe may seem abstract, maybe even a little crazy, but- if one really looks at the deeper connections in life the abstraction fades into familiarity. We have all been in that spot.  We have all met members of our own respective soul tribes, whether we choose to call it that or even acknowledge it—in the end it is the human experience that is undeniable.  Its not a cult thing, or a club thing-there are no secret handshakes or weird rituals. This is an experience thing, do I walk through my life thinking everything is coincidence, or do I go through life building on that power of interpersonal connection? I choose the latter, in many ways it seems a lot less hibbity-jibbity than explaining everything away with non-explanations like coincidence. ..

You May Say that I'm a Dreamer...

I hope to one day pay back and forward all the fortune afforded me in this life.
I hope I never figure out what I want to be when I grow up, and instead grow into who I am.
I hope to be the change I wish to see in the world.
I hope to continue to be inspired and inspire others.
I hope I never forget that my inner child is always within reach.
I hope I keep my eyes open for every opportunity to grow and learn.
I hope I keep my ears open for anyone who needs to be heard.
I hope I keep my heart open so that I might love with every fiber of my being, every moment of every day until my last breath.
I hope to keep my soul open so that I might connect with whomever and whatever is out there to connect with.
I hope I can learn to afford myself the same graces others afford me.
I hope I never pass up an opportunity to learn either from myself or others.
I hope I remember both the impermanence of life and the fact that everything happens for a reason.
I hope even in my darkest moments, I can remember the gratitude in every moment.
I hope someday we can all see that our differences are actually complementary strengths.
I hope everyone reaches their full potential everyday.
I hope I never stop dreaming.
I hope I someday find the medium for which the creativity within me flows.
I hope I am as humble as is possible, and as gracious as the universe allows.
I hope that I live all of these hopes in my everyday life...

Good 'Nuff

Another rainy Monday, but that's alright, after a gorgeous day like yesterday, a little rain is alright. I officially withdrew from school on Saturday, and I am at peace with it.  It is going to take some getting used to (having free moments to myself) but I do believe this is exactly what I need.  I finished one of my two incompletes yesterday, that feels pretty darned good, although I am still experiencing a lot of anxiety surrounding the other paper I have to write. In speaking to the prof's about how to go about actually getting the work done one of them encouraged me to get to a place where I was alright with 'good enough' so that I could get credit and move on.  I cringed when he mentioned it, and I am cringing as I write this- good enough is not a concept I have ever let myself truly embrace, and for the most part I think that is a smart way to be... although I suppose, in certain circumstances good enough is warranted.

As I sat down to write the paper yesterday I tried to wrap my mind around what good enough looks like.  To me, that is an entirely subjective concept.  The prof said that all I need was an 80%, and that I need not waste my time trying for perfection...I can appreciate his sentiment, but my mantra is generally to shoot for perfection and hope it lands somewhere in the vicinity of good enough for me.  That usually translates into writing a paper in one foul swoop. Sleeping on it. Tearing it apart the next day, re-writing it, sending it to two or three friends to edit, piecing it back together again and then putting a final draft together.  And, yeah. I guess that's more like 150% effort as opposed to the needed 80.

So I went to my favorite Sunday morning writing place and pounded on the keyboard for an hour or two and then called it finished.  And, I will say it was super hard to walk away and call it finished.  But I think one of the lessons I am learning is that striving for perfection can also mean strolling toward insanity.  If I am going to keep any sense about me, striving for perfection in everything I do is not sustainable.  I have to learn to pick my battles, and that if I do have to complete something to 'good enough' standards it does not mean that I am going to spiral out of lackadaisical control.  Turning in a paper that is not my best work, but merely good enough at the request of the prof does not mean I just bought a one way ticket to failure land.  It's just so paradoxical to think of giving some things up in order to get other things that are more important (here's my paper-sanity please, thank you). 

All my life I have had this unreasonable fear of being a fuck-up.  Not necessarily a fuck-up in the eyes of others, but more in my own eyes.  I am deathly afraid of letting myself down, but I often set that bar so impossibly high that even a bucket truck couldn't help me get there... I know, the paradoxes abound.  So, as I learn to loosen my death grip on the illusionary control in other areas of my life, I will now add this one to that list.  Because I am only a fuck-up, failure, lazy, loser if I judge myself to be.  And those are all negative judgments that have got to go with this spring cleaning of the mentality.  Trust is a toughy for me, especially when it comes to trusting myself-I think I may need to re-evaluate that :)