525,600 Minutes Pt. I

Things have been super crazy hectic lately, but they are starting to slow down a bit... I have been thinking quite a bit- I know what your thinking, does this chick ever DO anything?! All she does is hammer on about thinking! And, for the most part, it's true- I do spend a lot of time swimming around in my own mind... but I do think it leads to productivity... at least some of the time.  It just seems as though right when I am ready to sit back and rest on my laurels something comes up that requires me to perk back up and pay attention. 

Things topping the contemplation list of late- being a big girl and the struggle involved in standing on my own two feets.  Taking responsibility for me and my actions, learning that humble pie is not one of my favorite meals, but is sometimes a requirement that comes with being a big girl, and- perhaps most importantly, having gratitude for all of the above.

Last week I was very blessed to take a trip to Sin City with some of the BESTEST friends a girl could ask for, it was fun, but seriously mentally exhausting!  Getting to hang out with friends and do fun things was no doubt awesome, but as I suspected, that place is like a visual and auditory energy sucking vampire for those of us who get our recharge from that quiet place within ourselves! Now, don't get me wrong- there are many, many, beautiful things there, and it is for sure one of THE BEST places in the world to observe that infinite possibilities of human behavior.  I could have have easily spent the entire trip posted up on the strip or in a casino just watching people... but needless to say- I was more than happy to get home to my bed and the sweet, sweet, sound of silence!

Anyhow, the trip and the whirlwind of weeks leading up to it led me to this contemplative state... a week from today will be perhaps the most important anniversary I have celebrated thus far in life.  The 31st will mark a full year of being single.  Some might moan and say how sad it is to be single, others might think it no big thing to be single at all.  But for me, this is a milestone.  A year of hard work.  A year of not settling out of fear.  A year of stepping forward, and backward and forward again.  A year of loneliness and despair.  A year of triumph and joy a year of getting to know the most important person in my life... a person I had long ago written off.  A year with me, just me. 

I have learned a lot in the last year, there have been as many Ah-ha moments as there have been damn it moments, but they have all been powerful in their own awesome or painful ways, and in the last few weeks many of those moments have begun to crystallize into cohesive lessons for me.  I plan on committing some of those moments and lessons to text in the coming days, but for tonight I think I will go to bed, alone and happy... thanks to all of you who have helped to reel me back into reality over the last year, those of you who listened, offered advice, let me cry, and all of you who in general helped to foster and facilitate my growth, this leg of the journey is far from over, of that I am well aware, but I think the up-coming mile marker is worth at least a post or two in reflection and certainly worth a more than a fleeting mention of gratitude.  Love to all of you, and as I am still learning- love to myself.

Coming Soon: The Crazy Cafe

For some time now, I have been thinking about diving into a second blog.  Not that I am abandoning this one,  this will still be the space where I babble on about my wonders of human happenings.  But I have been thinking about starting a food blog... I know, how many food blogs are out there right? I am pretty sure the number hovers around eleventy billion... and I would never profess to have a newfangled idea... I am not looking to change the face of food blogging or make crazy waves.  I just thought it would be nice to have a space to keep record both of what I cook and eat. 

I will admit to not being the savviest blogger... this is part of the reason I have pussy-footed around launching a new blog. I don't know how to put fancy piktars up or to use links or any of that technological stuff that remains an enigma to me.  I am NOT my father's daughter when it comes to technology... my dad is a technological geek--and don't get me wrong--I LOVE him for that (that, and a trillion other things of course), but- having that sort of assistance at my finger tips has made me a bit of a nit wit when it comes to all things technology related.  Hell, I quit taking pictures on my camera when I realized they wouldn't just beam to my computer.  I didn't even begin really using email until a few years ago... I have crashed EVERY computer I have ever owned.  At almost every place I have been employed I am eventually banned from using the copier.  I cannot make the DVD player work without assistance from my young and savvy roomie.  Alright, I think you get the picture.

SO anyway... I have been a little gun shy about the food blog, but I think it is time.  I would say cooking is one of two mediums I have for expressing myself (the second being writing, hence the willy nilly blogging:), and I suppose it is time to give the other medium it's due.  So, it will for sure be a work in progress, but I hope to have it launched in the next few weeks... the basic idea is that I will post about things I am cooking as well as reviewing any cool places I eat... I am hoping that by posting what I am cooking it will help me to become a more disciplined cook... BAHAHA! Who am I kidding? Let's just see if I can launch the damned thing first, then I can make lofty goals and promises that I may or may not fulfill! 

Mr. Jones and Me

"The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself" -Anna Quindlen

A couple weeks ago I had a talk with each of my parents individually.  I don't remember how each conversation started, but they were both about the same sort of things.  Both my dad and my mom said they just really wanted me to be happy.  They both want me to find my place.  I agreed with them- not that I am unhappy so to speak... but I would say that I am discontent and that I have been feeling unfulfilled.  It was really nice to have the chance to speak freely with them.  I love my parents, I think that has been pretty obvious throughout this blog.  My parents are definitely amazing people, I respect their opinions, I look up to them, I am proud to have them as my parents, and I want little else in life than to be the woman they can be proud to call their daughter. (You can call me sappy and lame, that's alright.  It is the truth.)

I mentioned feeling a little like a failure to them both. Many people my age are now settled into careers, marriages, and many have children.  I, on the other hand, have come through the last decade with very little to show for it. I have some of the 'things' on the proverbial check off list- I have a job, two in fact.  I have a house. I work, I support myself... blah blah blah.  I like my jobs alright... although they are like any other I have had... I have been at these two particular jobs for a little over a year and I am beginning to feel stagnant.  There are no opportunities to move up at either and they are just beginning to feel stale.  My house is kind of the same way- it is a fine enough house, but I am ready to go somewhere else, do something else. I am about to finish out my first year of being single in my adult life, and that too is beginning to get old.  I am ready for a change- all the way around.

Of course, my parents are my BIGGEST cheerleaders.  They re-frame the way I look at my 'achievements' and try desperately to help me figure out how to find fulfillment in what I have.  They are concrete and solution oriented... something I WISH I could be right now... something I think they wish I could be at times as well... My mom said "You have always been the one to do things your own way, [the hard way]- but you have always figured it out, and you will figure this out too." God love the woman!  There was a time when they were both so frustrated with the way I bang my head against the wall until I figure things out- they both tried desperately to teach me another way throughout my adolescence, but to no avail. The patience these two people have had with me my entire life is truly immeasurable-miles and miles more patience than I have ever had with myself- and I love them to bits for it.

I shared with my mom that it seems as though I have been stuck in this rut of fear for a while now- probably since I dropped out of grad school.  I know that dropping out was the best decision for me at the time, and I do not regret it for even a moment, but it has set off this unsureness in me.  It's like I have an idea of what I want my next move to be, but somewhere along the way I lost the ability to be sure of myself... I swim around with all of these fears and projections in my head about what could happen if I make a decision... It is not that I think I cannot do option A or option B, because if there is only one thing I know about myself it is that I can and will do whatever it is I set my mind to.  It is more abstract than that- like what if I pursue this one thing that I think will make me happy, what if I make it happen, pour my heart into it and then come to find out it is not what I wanted either?!  I know how ridiculous that must sound to some people- but it is a real and paralyzing fear to me.

Then I start really thinking.  Wait a second dumbass- I am pretty sure that this true happiness and fulfillment you blabber on about constantly comes from WITHIN you- and once you have that, there will be a natural sense of contentment, and you will be happy with whatever you are doing where ever you are doing it. I have written extensively on the importance of doing the work on myself, but I am not sure it set in until I read the quote above... it's the work of BEING myself.  It's giving up on this perfect image of what I think my life should be, because that image is what is holding me back from what my life is- something to enjoy and embrace.  My mother reminded me that there are no mistakes, only experiences to carry forward.  I know there are others out there who struggle with the same stuff... maybe not all of them stammer on about it in a blog, but I think we all go through the types of things that I share on here... which is why I am not embarrassed.  I cannot apologize for my humanness.  But I can embrace this life and share it.

I had a visit from an old friend this weekend and she flipped the ole 'life is short' cliche for me- "Life is long." She said, very matter-of-factly.  And I must admit, I agree.  Life is long; therefore we mustn't cheapen that experience by sprinting through it, we will wear ourselves out far before the 'finish line'.  Equally notable, we cannot trudge along at a snail's pace so as not to disturb that image of perfection. Instead, take the time to drink in every drop AND enjoy every interaction... I have to remind myself of that constantly...I am where I need to be, and I will end up right where I am supposed to... I am not now and never will be a 'Jones', so why drive myself insane with the apples to oranges comparisons?

Polarized

Last night I caught a glimpse of one of those entertainment shows.  They were talking about Chaz Bono being on Dancing with the Stars.  I could really care less about the show, but was happy to hear that he was on- that it was good step forward for someone who is openly transgendered to be on a prime time show.  The clip they ran was of a woman saying she thought it was wrong, and that it would send a confusing message to children.... and I have to admit, my blood started simmering a little-

What's more confusing lady?!!! Ignoring people who are different than you and trying to 'shelter' your children from, oh- what do you call it? Oh yeah, that's right, THE WORLD! Or explaining something to your child?  I am so sick of people hiding their ignorance under the guise of protecting a child. STOP IT. You lady, you are a part of perpetuating hate and misunderstanding.  By you not dealing with whatever issues you have, you are handing down this sense of intolerance to yet another generation.  It's funny, because these are the same people telling their children that they are special and unique individuals who can do anything in the world, so long as that anything doesn't involve anything "too different", Oi vey.

Perhaps this is why Planned Parenthood funding is in trouble as well- those evil bastards... spreading the free love and safe sex message.  Don't you know sex is never safe?! Unless, of course it is in the confines of the sanctity of marriage- between one man and one woman... and the man's gay lover that he has on the side because he has been conditioned to hide his homosexuality as it is a sin and he would most certainly go straight to hell if anyone ever knew about it, which is why he married a woman and had 3.2 children in the first place- to try to cure himself, being gay is wrong, or at least that is what his mommy and daddy pounded into his head as often as possible throughout his childhood.  Oh, and don't forget about the woman's lover that she was forced to seek out after a decade in loveless marriage which she committed to so that she could keep up with the Jones's.

So, I stewed on this most of the night, and I woke up this morning trying my very best not to be angry.  Then I got in the car to come to work.  As I am tooling down the road, listening to NPR, a story comes on about the views of some of the GOP candidates for presidency.  I am half listening when they begin to talk about Michelle Bachman's 'jokes' that God is sending Washington a message with the recent hurricane and earthquake in DC.  They then go on to play clips of other GOP candidates dismissing that we humans have anything to do with global warming, and further, that perhaps we should not be spending so much money on scientific research for a 'theory' that has not been proven! Bloody hell, you have got to be fucking kidding me!

Firstly, isn't that what research is about? Proving a theory? And secondly, how fucking much evidence does one need to believe it?! Then I start thinking about all the funding that is in danger of being cut- PBS for one.  Right, why should we fund something so frivolous as educational programming?! Especially when they have such silly shows as Nova- a show about science- which means it is obviously about unfounded theory and unneeded research.  Yes, yes, let us keep the masses sleepy and pacified with their cable T.V. and interwebs...

The scariest part of all this, to me, is that some people will hear these things... and BELIEVE them, and worse yet, they will vote for them.  I do not generally speak on politics, but for some reason I cannot get this crap out of my head.  What am I going to do about it? Well, I don't know yet- all I know is that silently disagreeing may as well be agreeing. I am not ok with yet another generation swallowing the shit they have been trying to feed us for years.  Obama is not the problem with our country or economy.  Neither can we blame Bush.  It is not the Repulicrats or the Democrins.  The problem is US!!! The citizens, we are the reason we are where we are right now.  The only freeing thing about that assertion is that- we then, are the only solution as well.  If only we could get people weened off the teat of power and corruption and start them on a regiment of education and open mindedness...

All Aboard the Hamster Wheel...

Finally, the inspiration to post struck me today!  There has been a great many changes and shifts going on in the last few weeks and I guess I haven't had a whole lot of words to put with them until now. 

First, I will say that a very wise person offered some incite into how I have been processing things and it created a shift in my thinking.  I have mentioned before that I categorized people in one of two areas- thinkers and feelers; it has been my opinion that thinkers process information in a very pragmatic 'this is the way it is' way and feelers take a more emotional approach.  Upon further examination, I am realizing the error in this approach.  I was attaching incorrect meaning to words (as most of the world does).  Emotions are sensory and uncontrollable, and there are only a few to pick from- elation, rage, and deep sadness.  These emotion come over you like a wave and are as fleeting in their departure as they were in arrival.  That being said, most of what I have attached the 'feeling' word to is actually a thought, as we are all thinkers and feelers to varying degrees.  What I was calling feeling behavior is more aptly described as introspection, thinking about things deeply and intricately, almost like getting on one of those hamster wheels and running non-stop in your mind's eye.

What the hell does this matter you may be wondering? Well, at least for me, this has added a new lens of clarity as to how I operate.  And, I am learning to look at this introspection as a gift rather than a curse, although I will admit that it is tough to do some days.  Some days I would like to turn off the old thinking cap and look at my world in black and white... except I know this is not possible, so the only choice I have is to embrace it.  And, since I started this blog pledging honesty, it is necessary to admit when I am wrong... that is, after all, the only way to learn, right?

Going back to the conversation I had with the wise person- a few other a-ha moments came from it.  It was (again) pointed out to me that I walk around with a really hard shell surrounding me... and she went so far as to guess when and how the shell originated.  Much to my surprise (and dismay) she was right.  To be fair, I have been told dozens of times from different sources that I am intimidating- and to an extent, I was aware of this (Re:Tough Bitch).  However, I had NO IDEA how long I had been carrying around this persona, not to mention what triggered it initially.  I'll save you the lame story, but needless to say, this goes back for decades!  This is incredibly frustrating to me... I pride myself on life happening for me as opposed to it happening to me, and if there is one thing I cannot stand it's the victim mentality.  And yet, here I am, staring 30 down, operating on that very paradigm I cannot stand.

I was told that until I get rid of my anger, I will never get to where I want to go (or to anywhere near my potential).  That, my friends is scary. It is scary to know that while I have a mask for every person and situation (I am not unique, we all do this to some extent), I also have one for myself looking in the mirror.  This is getting sticky now.  How do I peel that mask off? How do I extract the defense mechanism I have used against me for me for decades, and for most of the time without even knowing it?  All I can say as of now is that there ain't no going back folks. I try so hard to be genuine (at least with those who matter to me) and I am now realizing that I have not been genuine with myself, let alone others.  That doesn't mean everything about me or all the interactions I have had with people have been disingenuous, it more means that I can always dig deeper. I can always peel off another layer of the proverbial onion.  And I am glad for that opportunity, because while it has never been my aim for everyone to like me or to view the world as all puppies and rainbows, it has also never been  my intent to make people uncomfortable or for them to feel threatened because I am intimidating due to not dealing with my own stuff.

I think we can all agree I take the long way most often, but that's alright.  I may not get it right away, (whatever it is), but you can trust and believe that I WILL get it eventually.  And if there is one strength that could at times be my greatest weakness, it is determination, I will continue to attempt to get it until I finally do.  Until that day, I am going to jump off the hamster wheel more often, and laugh at myself as much as possible!  Life cannot be taken seriously all the time- that is boring and, more importantly, it is exhausting!  If you haven't lately, step outside of yourself for a moment, observe yourself and the way your are with other people, take note and then have a great, big, deep, belly laugh at your own expense! It's refreshing, trust me :)

Closed Doors, Open Windows.

Since I have been a bit gloom and doom lately, I thought it high time I do a happy/grateful post. 

So, to start, I am grateful for all the little struggles the last few months-and they have all been little-even if they have felt overwhelming.  I am finally to the point where I think that I am ready to make some big and necessary changes.  I am finished spinning my wheels, feeling stuck, and acting like a powerless victim.  By the end of the year I will have begun looking for a new job and will be setting plans in motion to make all the things I want to happen in my life come to fruition.  I am on the upswing and have a good amount of confidence that I will make it happen.  Struggle is never for nothing and it is certainly not forever.  Although I will say that I know making these changes will come with new and different struggles, but I welcome the new challenges. 

A few weeks back, I was surprised and humbled to find out that a trip I had desperately wanted to go on would be happening due to the INSANE generosity of friends- and for that I am incredibly grateful... like beyond words... like I have never received a gift on such a crazy scale.  And the awesomeness and gratitude doesn't stop there.  My best friend from high school moved to California 11 years ago.  In that 11 years I have seen him 3 times; with the last time being 3 years ago.  We talk on the phone all the time, but- come on.  Talking on the phone is just NOT THE SAME!  Anyhow, when I found out about this trip, my brother from another mother suggested I contact my friend and see if he could meet us. And guess what? I found out this week that he and his beautiful wife will indeed be able to meet up! I AM SO EXCITED I cannot really explain it!

So, this week I have been forcing myself to stop looking at the door that just slammed shut in my face and instead climb through the window that was open right next to it.  So far, it is working.  I have poked my head through the window, and I will say- the skies are clear and blue and the landscape is lush and green.  Now, all I have to do is hoist myself up and slink on through.  I generally spend so much time staring at the closed door that I never notice the open window.  The window is pretty high up, so I will need to whip myself into shape to get up there and through- but it is certainly doable with a little conditioning. And, it just so happens that at this point I have a fair amount of free time to devote to it.  So all I can say is- YAY!!!! Yay for struggles, setbacks and victories.  Yea for having a clear enough mind to finally exit the pot I have been stewing in and begin a new endeavor.  And, most importantly- yea for friends who love and support me along the way- friends and family continue to be the most integral pieces of every success and victory in my life. Love you all!

Snooze Button

So, I told myself that I would give me a week to get over myself.  Seven days to be sad, angry, depressed and whatever other unproductive emotion I needed to feel.  I have gone through the spectrum, although mostly I have been angry, and mostly at myself.  I absolutely will not own all the blame in this situation; however I have to own my part.  And in weak moments I do indulge those thoughts- why does it seem like I am always the one looking at my shit? Why do I have to stand here, knee deep in 'damn it'? Why can't I be the one who goes on about life like it never mattered anyway? And then, I come crashing back to reality and realize that I CHOSE this path, I chose to look at my shit, I chose to be aware, I CHOOSE to grow, and that means I am obligated (to myself) to look at my part, and even though sometimes I just want to go back to that state of being blissfully un-aware, I cannot.

Each time I want to focus the blame on another- any other, in any situation, I am cheating myself, out of the opportunity to learn.  Oh it feels SO GOOD though! It is so much more satisfying (in the moment) to pick someone else apart.  I want to shred the other person's shortcomings to bits, because I know how good it would feel (in the moment).  However, this is pretty much doing what I have always done.  In any situation where  I feel as though I have been wronged I want to immediately lash out and blame, and it works for a bit... but then I have to deal with dragging around a huge sack of resentments, which ends up being a gigantic pain in the ass... And anyways, all of that blame and anger does not fit in with my belief that we are all right where we need to be and we are all being presented with the opportunity to learn life's lessons at each moment... It is my choice to grab hold of my lesson just as it is anyone else's choice to either grab hold of or ignore their own lessons... and it is not my place to tell someone else what they need to learn, because in that breath I am loosing the opportunity to learn for myself. And let's be honest, I have a hard time recognizing my own lessons, learning the same thing multiple times before I get it, so I couldn't possibly know what others need to learn.

If I were to do what I have always done, at this point I would pack this experience away in a box and shove it as far back into the closet of my mind as possible.  I am tired of dealing with it and just want to be finished with it.  Unfortunately, I know all too well how that shakes out... it will come back to haunt me at some point in the future, in all it's skeletal glory... and I will be MUCH more annoyed with it then.  So, I am giving this particular lesson it's due, in hopes that I can finally see a lesson through to total fruition for once!  I have finally made a commitment to myself and I intend to keep it.  Everyday I get closer to knowing exactly what it is that I want, and doing this sort of work and being this kind of honest with myself, however painful and humbling it may be, is pretty much the only way to get where I want to be in my life, I think.

Anyway, as we should all know by now, life doesn't stop because your having a bad day, or your pissed off or you really want/need a break.  Nope, this is usually when life kicks it into high gear, and I am not special when it comes to this life paradigm. My brother from another mother and his amazing fiance are moving today, to Columbus.  In 15 years, he and I have NEVER lived more than ten minutes apart.  We have always been able to meet up on a whim if we wanted.  He has, for the longest time been the person I call when I absolutely do not want to talk to another soul on the planet.  He's got one of THE MOST optimistic views on life, he is a cheerleader and a rock, he is the voice of reason (although, I will admit to not always listening to that reason) he is a thinker and a pragmatist.  And the best fucking friend anyone anywhere could ever dream up.  And he somehow managed to find a girl who is completely his equal in wonderfulness! The two of them are so unbelievably solid together that there is no doubt in my mind that this move (although difficult) will be awesome for the two of them.

I am happy for them, beyond words.  Better things could not happen to two better people, no doubt.  And of course, in my usual selfish way, I am sad they are moving out of town.  I am really sad, and scared too.  I know, I know, everyone has said EXACTLY what you are thinking right now- it's only an hour away, geeze.  What's the big deal?! Well, the big deal I am realizing, has little to do with the two of them.  It has to do with me not being able to ignore the fact that they are making things happen in their lives- so, I can sit here and cry about them leaving and feel sad and left out and whatever other silly feeling that has danced across the stage of my minds eye in the last couple of months, I can complain about how all of this crap is happening at once and that it is just too much... I cannot handle it... BLAH BLAH BLAH...It's all so repetitive it makes me sleepy.

OR

I look right in front of me and grab the lesson.  All of these things are happening at once so that I will WAKE UP from my 8 month slumber of laziness and coasting and I will start making shit happen in my own life.  This after all is the only option... If I am bored or feel stuck or whatever it is...I am the catalyst that can change it or I can be the glue that permanently affixes myself to that settled in spot.  I have every fucking excuse in the book as to why I cannot do anything other than what it is that I am doing at this present moment in my life... I am stuck in my house because the market sucks... I am stuck at my job because I have too much debt, and on and on and on.  Unfortunately, I am aware that in any given situation I am both the problem and the solutions, therefore, I have got to change the way I think about things. And NO ONE is ever stuck unless they choose to be.

I have tended in life to be a pessimist, especially when I get lazy; but in the last year or so I have noticed myself getting annoyed with that trait in others and in turn being more aware of it in myself.  Oddly, this is awareness for which I can credit Facebook.  Reading pessimistic people's status updates on a constant- the most popular- "I'm bored", to the more dramatic "My life sucks" has made me acutely aware of the correlation between outlook and outcome in life.  If your bored, DO SOMETHING.  If you think your life sucks, CHANGE IT.  Sure, it takes a bit (and sometimes a lot) of effort, but at least then your busy living instead of dwelling on shit.  So, yes. I gave myself a week to get over myself, but this has been building for a long, long while, and I think I can safely say, I am over it.  I have a list of things that I need to get busy on and I finally have the fire under my ass to do them. 

The two of them moving is going to be hard, it is already sad.  It will change a lot of how our friendships operate.  And we ALL know how much us humans love change ;) There will not be too many 'lets meet up for a beer' nights through the week.  And the chances of she and I going grocery shopping together are pretty slim. Unless Monday is a holiday, wasted Sundays will most likely be a thing of the past as well. And all of these things and more are the silly little things I cherish and have somewhat taken for granted in the last year.  I could sit and think only about the stuff I will miss about them being 10 minutes away FOR WEEKS!!!

But, as my brother from another framed it the other night- "you know, this doesn't have to be the worst thing.  It could be awesome."  And, as is usually the case, he is right.  It could be awesome, it could ALWAYS be awesome.  Even if it sucks, it can still be awesome and THAT is what I want. AWESOME.  Thanks for reminding me chief, sometimes I need it and I always appreciate it.  These little wisdom nuggets are why I love you.  Well, that and the fact that you always fight the urge to say I told you so even though I deserve it (often)! So here's to the two of you and your awesome new life- if nothing else it has already inspired a ripple effect, I will no longer be hitting the snooze button on forward motion. I love you both.