Stupid.
Bitch.
Cunt.
Gay.
Loser.
Shady.
Words are a funny thing in our culture, the words in that beginning list are all words that have multiple meanings; they need context and inflection in order for us to derive what the speaker intends by them. And it's the intention behind the words we speak that has had my brain working over time lately. All of those words have been used to describe me at some point or another in the last six months. Each of the circumstances were different, but the intentions were all the same, the speaker was intending to hurt me with words.
We all know the saying 'sticks and stones..." and, for the most part, that is true. Words cannot hurt anyone, unless we give them that sort of power. We, as humans, are the ones who attach meaning to words, so don't attach meaning and everything is fine... or is it? After this most recent barrage of words, I thought to myself, huh- I do not believe that I am a stupid bitch, or a dumb cunt, but I also have a hard time wrapping my mind around why people would go to such an extent in an attempt to hurt someone with words.
I will be the first to say, I do not like everyone, in fact there are some people I don't like and probably never will. But I cannot recall a situation where I thought it necessary to use words like grenades. NOT that I am a saint, because I am not, and NOT that I feel like a wounded victim, because I am not that either... I just wonder what it is about our culture, and I do not even know precisely what I mean by our culture- American culture... Western culture... I don't know; but really, what is it that allows us to have such a sincere disconnect with the reverence of humanity?
We could blame the media I guess... but that seems so trite and shallow... I really think there is something deeper there; how did the media become so irreverent? Again, this isn't about the words, it's the intention behind the words... it's the actions accompanying the words. Up until recently, I thought all this jibber jabber about bullying was ridiculous, like it's been happening forever, why are today's kids any different than the bullying that went on in my generation or the generations before. Now, I think maybe it is different... maybe kids are meaner, because many of the 'grown ups' I know seem to be pretty venomous... and where do our kids get their social ques from? Yeah. Hmm...
There is another layer though, when and why and how did us grown-ups get to be so vicious?
Where did that start? I am sure it has been a slow process, that seems cunningly pronounced to me at the moment... but that trail must lead somewhere, right? I have to say, Americans are the most entitled people I have ever met... We all want what we want, we want it now, we deserve it, and fuck whoever thinks they are going to stand in our way. Hell, fuck whoever is standing in our way, be it on purpose or not. I am ME, and therefore YOU OWE ME. It's a bit nauseating when drawn out like that, eh? But we are all guilty of it from time to time.
And no, I do not have any fantastical answers to the questions I have posed in the above paragraphs... I don't even know if there are any simple, black and white answers... but I do think it is important for all of us to be aware of not just what we are saying, but our intentions. Look, I certainly don't think we all have to get along, I am definitely not proposing we sit around, holding hands, singing rounds of kumbayah, I just think it's important to be aware. It's tough, I know... none of us are as perfect as our entitled American brains would have us think; but it is certainly something I am going to attempt to work on...
Monday, May 7, 2012
Friday, May 4, 2012
Hello Destiny
It's been a while since I've had some clarity, and while I won't make any sweeping proclamation about having clarity in this moment, it seems my brain has decided it is time to get back to a regular blogging regiment. There has been much swirl in the old noggin lately and I it's become clear that I have to write it out to sort it out. I have written before about the feeling of being on the verge of change, and I am at that spot again. I found out last week that funding is being pulled for one of my jobs... it's a sad and happy thing really. It's sad because whether I am the one doing the work or someone else, I believe the mission to be so very important. On the other hand, in June, part of my security blanket will be ripped out from under me, which is actually a really good thing. I have gotten too comfortable with where I am at in the last year... and comfort usually makes me settle. And settling leads to complacency, and well, we all know what comes after complacency.
So, for the first time in my 30 years I am being 'laid off'. I have never lost a job, not to lay off, or firing. Hell, I have never quit a job without another one waiting for me in the wings. As much as it pains me to admit, I am a practical goat of a Capricorn in that way. My other job will still be here, but it is not going to be enough to pay all my proud-to-be-an-American-debts, so I must begin looking at other options. I have begun a traditional 'job search', scouring job postings on the web, and polishing up the old resume, another first for me.
I have never done the traditional job search thing, I usually acquire jobs through networking, or hear about a position and drive the employer nuts until they hire me. Looking at all these jobs postings has made me so weary... I have an idea of what I want to do and the type of people or company I would like to work for, and for the first time, a ballpark idea of what I want to make salary wise, but it is like I am searching in the wrong places. I know myself, and I will never be able to work a traditional, punch the clock, 9-5 job, with a higher up hovering over me as if I am a child who needs babysitting. I cannot imagine being glued to a desk and computer 8 hours a day 5 days a week... the main reason I have stayed in my current position is because it is so flexible and no two days are ever the same.
Like anybody else, I would love to work for myself, unfortunately- every time I start thinking of that, the stupid pragmatist inside of me comes out in full force, ready to billy club any idea I have with 42 reasons why it won't work. That pragmatic side is so strong, I dare not utter any idea that comes to me to another soul, because the pragmatist immediately tells me what a ridiculous, convoluted idea it is, and assures me that no one would give it a serious thought. So, I have been spending a great deal of time alone, in my head, what a dangerous place to be sometimes!
I look around at my life, and the lives of my peers, and I think- "come on, pull yourself together man!" Look at all the raging success around you- success in many, many different forms- success in careers, financial success, success at love, success with family, and on and on. And it is not that I do not feel as though there is success in my life, because I know there is, hell the fact that I made it to 30 was a pretty big victory! It's not that I necessarily envy the success of those around me, ok maybe I do envy some parts of it- I envy the ability to take a risk in whatever arena, but it is not that I want what others have, it is that I see the joy that others have and I want to manifest that in my life, it just seems as though I often struggle to get out of my own fucking head long enough to make something happen.
For over a year now, it is like I have been searching desperately for some unknown, intangible thing. And that thing, whatever it may be, is right in front of me, if I simply loosen my grip on whatever intangible thing I am holding onto. That probably sounds incoherent, but I am unsure how to put that weird feeling or this weird space I am in into words. I have this feeling that I have a death grip on something that is holding me back, but I cannot put my finger on what it is... just as I have this feeling that there is something transformational within my reach, but I can't discern what that is either... I sometimes wonder if others find themselves consciously in this place, or if my monkey mind is the only one to over think EVERY FUCKING THING, ALL THE TIME. I swear to (insert deity of choice here), if I ever find the switch to turn my brain off, I will run straight toward it, and flip it off so hard I break the switch! But until then, I suppose I will keep on ruminating, it helps to get this shit out and in front of me, I do know that, although sometimes I think that as soon as I purge these thoughts to type, it makes room for still more to flow in.
I joke about switching my brain off, but I don't really mean it. I used to think that thinking was my curse (haha, that sounded much more serious in my head, before I typed it out), now I know it's just the way I operate, and I can either fight it or embrace it. I have at least come far enough to know that the way I am is the way I am, and that the only thing I can do is appreciate who I am as opposed to dwelling on who or what I am not. And let me tell you, it's a struggle every day, not to fight it. I just have to find ways to harness that energy in some productive form...I often feel as though I am an artist with no medium, like the creative energy in me is bubbling away, just waiting for a way to get out. It's a seriously restless feeling... but it is also a feeling that inspires me to do things, when it can be channeled. I suppose right now is my incubation period, when that energy is good and ready to manifest itself, things will materialize. I just want to be there now!!! Patience, yeah it always comes back to patience, doesn't it. Damn it!
So, for the first time in my 30 years I am being 'laid off'. I have never lost a job, not to lay off, or firing. Hell, I have never quit a job without another one waiting for me in the wings. As much as it pains me to admit, I am a practical goat of a Capricorn in that way. My other job will still be here, but it is not going to be enough to pay all my proud-to-be-an-American-debts, so I must begin looking at other options. I have begun a traditional 'job search', scouring job postings on the web, and polishing up the old resume, another first for me.
I have never done the traditional job search thing, I usually acquire jobs through networking, or hear about a position and drive the employer nuts until they hire me. Looking at all these jobs postings has made me so weary... I have an idea of what I want to do and the type of people or company I would like to work for, and for the first time, a ballpark idea of what I want to make salary wise, but it is like I am searching in the wrong places. I know myself, and I will never be able to work a traditional, punch the clock, 9-5 job, with a higher up hovering over me as if I am a child who needs babysitting. I cannot imagine being glued to a desk and computer 8 hours a day 5 days a week... the main reason I have stayed in my current position is because it is so flexible and no two days are ever the same.
Like anybody else, I would love to work for myself, unfortunately- every time I start thinking of that, the stupid pragmatist inside of me comes out in full force, ready to billy club any idea I have with 42 reasons why it won't work. That pragmatic side is so strong, I dare not utter any idea that comes to me to another soul, because the pragmatist immediately tells me what a ridiculous, convoluted idea it is, and assures me that no one would give it a serious thought. So, I have been spending a great deal of time alone, in my head, what a dangerous place to be sometimes!
I look around at my life, and the lives of my peers, and I think- "come on, pull yourself together man!" Look at all the raging success around you- success in many, many different forms- success in careers, financial success, success at love, success with family, and on and on. And it is not that I do not feel as though there is success in my life, because I know there is, hell the fact that I made it to 30 was a pretty big victory! It's not that I necessarily envy the success of those around me, ok maybe I do envy some parts of it- I envy the ability to take a risk in whatever arena, but it is not that I want what others have, it is that I see the joy that others have and I want to manifest that in my life, it just seems as though I often struggle to get out of my own fucking head long enough to make something happen.
For over a year now, it is like I have been searching desperately for some unknown, intangible thing. And that thing, whatever it may be, is right in front of me, if I simply loosen my grip on whatever intangible thing I am holding onto. That probably sounds incoherent, but I am unsure how to put that weird feeling or this weird space I am in into words. I have this feeling that I have a death grip on something that is holding me back, but I cannot put my finger on what it is... just as I have this feeling that there is something transformational within my reach, but I can't discern what that is either... I sometimes wonder if others find themselves consciously in this place, or if my monkey mind is the only one to over think EVERY FUCKING THING, ALL THE TIME. I swear to (insert deity of choice here), if I ever find the switch to turn my brain off, I will run straight toward it, and flip it off so hard I break the switch! But until then, I suppose I will keep on ruminating, it helps to get this shit out and in front of me, I do know that, although sometimes I think that as soon as I purge these thoughts to type, it makes room for still more to flow in.
I joke about switching my brain off, but I don't really mean it. I used to think that thinking was my curse (haha, that sounded much more serious in my head, before I typed it out), now I know it's just the way I operate, and I can either fight it or embrace it. I have at least come far enough to know that the way I am is the way I am, and that the only thing I can do is appreciate who I am as opposed to dwelling on who or what I am not. And let me tell you, it's a struggle every day, not to fight it. I just have to find ways to harness that energy in some productive form...I often feel as though I am an artist with no medium, like the creative energy in me is bubbling away, just waiting for a way to get out. It's a seriously restless feeling... but it is also a feeling that inspires me to do things, when it can be channeled. I suppose right now is my incubation period, when that energy is good and ready to manifest itself, things will materialize. I just want to be there now!!! Patience, yeah it always comes back to patience, doesn't it. Damn it!
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
BFAM Love
So, my brother from another mother is getting married this weekend. I am beyond thrilled for him... and for the last few days or weeks I have been completely sappy and sentimental. We listened to a few of the songs on their wedding playlist this past weekend, and I am not gunna lie, I cried-through most of it. Not sad tears, happy ones. Because if there is anyone in this whole world who deserves the kind of happiness, the kind of joy, the kind of pure love and contentment he has right now, it is him. He is the definition of the better man, he is the best friend and best big brother anyone could ever imagine.
I am unsure when or how we became close like siblings... maybe because we suffer from only child syndrome... we are biologically pre-programmed to go out and find and collect tribe members. Maybe it's timing, maybe it's because we are so alike in many ways and so crazy different in others... All I know is, I have never had a friend like him, and I doubt I will find another sibling connection like it in my lifetime...
Lying in bed last night I started thinking about what he meant to me, what he has done for me, what he has taught me. I tried to remember the first time we met, and well, for those of you who know me, I have a TERRIBLE memory! So, I could not pinpoint that first meeting in the fog that was my teen aged years. I know it was about 15 years ago, and I know we had to have been at Bob Evans (where I waited tables) or Perkins (where he cooked and waited tables). I can remember countless nights, hanging out at either place, collecting a gaggle of life time friends, smoking cigarettes and drinking gallon after gallon of shit coffee. Being made fun of non-stop for my love of punk and ska, and slowly being converted to metal and hardcore. Yeah, those were the days.
The summer I was 17 I totaled my car. I was terrified to drive for MONTHS. No matter, my bfam drove me 15 miles to the shitty hole-in-the-wall truck stop I worked at, dropped me off, drove 15 miles home and then did it all over again when my shift was over. And never complained once, I don't remember if I ever thanked him for that... When I finally got a new car it was exactly what I didn't want, a standard. I remember going out with my dad to learn how to drive that clutch, I think I lasted about 2 minutes before I got frustrated and walked home. The next day, my bfam took me out and taught me in half an hour. Oh those hills, damn I hated them at first! But we did end up having some pretty fun times in that Toyota Celica, for sure!
He was there to pick me up and put me back together every time some stupid boy shattered my heart into a million pieces. Long since graduated, he suffered through my high school graduation, and two college graduations, bless his freaking heart! He agreed to stand up in my wedding, and then stood by me when I had to make the decision to call it off. When I thought things would NEVER get better again, he let me cry, he let me hurt, and then reminded me that it would. He has long since had standards for me and the way I should let others treat me, that have taken me over a decade to apply for myself! He is as loyal a friend as they come, even though it isn't a point system, it is.
He is the only friend I know who will drop everything and come to my aide if I need it that bad. What's that? Blown clutch, of course I will come tow you. You need an air conditioner put in, I will be right there. Yes, I would love to go to this shitty concert with you, because I know you want to go. His catch phrase is 'let's make it happen' and make it happen he does, on a daily basis. Over the course of our friendship, there have been so many times he could have reveled in that 'I told ya so' spot, but he hasn't. He has let me fall on my face, and then helped me dust myself off and start over, again, for the 400th time! All with the patience of a saint.
Memories aside, there is something he has given me that I will never be able to quantify or explain...although I can try. He has taught me the power of NEVER giving up. He has shown me that NO MATTER what shit life flings at you, it's a choice in how you run with it. You can sit around and wallow, or you can make something happen. He has taught me that life ain't easy, but putting in the elbow grease pays off, every time... even if it isn't in the time frame my impatient brain wants! His momma did a good job raising him- the manners, tenacity, and perseverance he has are a rare, rare combination these days FOR SURE.
In the past couple of years, I have had the distinct pleasure of watching him grow and transcend...I have witnessed countless light bulbs light up in his mind. I have seen him transform from the guy he was to the man he is today. I was there when his life path took a sharp, uncharted turn, and witnessed him find his way again... all with the kind of grace and dignity I can only hope to have someday. He met the love of his life, and has built an amazing life with her. I'd be remiss not to gush about her as well... When they first met, I was leery of her to say the least... I was convinced she was nothing more than another crazy bitch, and I was NOT gunna stand by and watch him get hurt again. Much to my surprise, she was as persistent at making him happy as I was at trying to hate her. And, let me tell ya, she makes it virtually impossible to hate her.
She is strong and independent, she takes shit from no one. She is confident, sweet, beautiful and generous... and it didn't take long to realize she didn't have a crazy bitch bone in her body! Eventually I was happy he had found someone to make him happy, I never thought such an amazing friendship would come out of this, but I am grateful for her every single day in more ways than you could imagine. She's taught me how to have fun again, how to laugh at myself, she has given me confidence and has secured a secret, sappy spot in my heart, I lover her...
Together, the two of them have restored my hope that there is such thing as true love, so long as you don't stay so bitter that ya miss it. They are a happy, gracious, and humble couple, who sincerely deserve and appreciate what they have. I have always been grateful for him, but I will be forever grateful for her, as she has brought that missing piece to his life's puzzle, as trite as it sounds, she really and truly completes him, and he her in every way. I could go on for days, but I'll stop! By the time this wedding weekend is over I will have exceeded my sappy quota for life!
To my big brother from another mother, and his soon to be wife, I love you to bits, congratulations Boss!!!!! Drink up every single moment, I certainly raise my glass to you both :)
I am unsure when or how we became close like siblings... maybe because we suffer from only child syndrome... we are biologically pre-programmed to go out and find and collect tribe members. Maybe it's timing, maybe it's because we are so alike in many ways and so crazy different in others... All I know is, I have never had a friend like him, and I doubt I will find another sibling connection like it in my lifetime...
Lying in bed last night I started thinking about what he meant to me, what he has done for me, what he has taught me. I tried to remember the first time we met, and well, for those of you who know me, I have a TERRIBLE memory! So, I could not pinpoint that first meeting in the fog that was my teen aged years. I know it was about 15 years ago, and I know we had to have been at Bob Evans (where I waited tables) or Perkins (where he cooked and waited tables). I can remember countless nights, hanging out at either place, collecting a gaggle of life time friends, smoking cigarettes and drinking gallon after gallon of shit coffee. Being made fun of non-stop for my love of punk and ska, and slowly being converted to metal and hardcore. Yeah, those were the days.
The summer I was 17 I totaled my car. I was terrified to drive for MONTHS. No matter, my bfam drove me 15 miles to the shitty hole-in-the-wall truck stop I worked at, dropped me off, drove 15 miles home and then did it all over again when my shift was over. And never complained once, I don't remember if I ever thanked him for that... When I finally got a new car it was exactly what I didn't want, a standard. I remember going out with my dad to learn how to drive that clutch, I think I lasted about 2 minutes before I got frustrated and walked home. The next day, my bfam took me out and taught me in half an hour. Oh those hills, damn I hated them at first! But we did end up having some pretty fun times in that Toyota Celica, for sure!
He was there to pick me up and put me back together every time some stupid boy shattered my heart into a million pieces. Long since graduated, he suffered through my high school graduation, and two college graduations, bless his freaking heart! He agreed to stand up in my wedding, and then stood by me when I had to make the decision to call it off. When I thought things would NEVER get better again, he let me cry, he let me hurt, and then reminded me that it would. He has long since had standards for me and the way I should let others treat me, that have taken me over a decade to apply for myself! He is as loyal a friend as they come, even though it isn't a point system, it is.
He is the only friend I know who will drop everything and come to my aide if I need it that bad. What's that? Blown clutch, of course I will come tow you. You need an air conditioner put in, I will be right there. Yes, I would love to go to this shitty concert with you, because I know you want to go. His catch phrase is 'let's make it happen' and make it happen he does, on a daily basis. Over the course of our friendship, there have been so many times he could have reveled in that 'I told ya so' spot, but he hasn't. He has let me fall on my face, and then helped me dust myself off and start over, again, for the 400th time! All with the patience of a saint.
Memories aside, there is something he has given me that I will never be able to quantify or explain...although I can try. He has taught me the power of NEVER giving up. He has shown me that NO MATTER what shit life flings at you, it's a choice in how you run with it. You can sit around and wallow, or you can make something happen. He has taught me that life ain't easy, but putting in the elbow grease pays off, every time... even if it isn't in the time frame my impatient brain wants! His momma did a good job raising him- the manners, tenacity, and perseverance he has are a rare, rare combination these days FOR SURE.
In the past couple of years, I have had the distinct pleasure of watching him grow and transcend...I have witnessed countless light bulbs light up in his mind. I have seen him transform from the guy he was to the man he is today. I was there when his life path took a sharp, uncharted turn, and witnessed him find his way again... all with the kind of grace and dignity I can only hope to have someday. He met the love of his life, and has built an amazing life with her. I'd be remiss not to gush about her as well... When they first met, I was leery of her to say the least... I was convinced she was nothing more than another crazy bitch, and I was NOT gunna stand by and watch him get hurt again. Much to my surprise, she was as persistent at making him happy as I was at trying to hate her. And, let me tell ya, she makes it virtually impossible to hate her.
She is strong and independent, she takes shit from no one. She is confident, sweet, beautiful and generous... and it didn't take long to realize she didn't have a crazy bitch bone in her body! Eventually I was happy he had found someone to make him happy, I never thought such an amazing friendship would come out of this, but I am grateful for her every single day in more ways than you could imagine. She's taught me how to have fun again, how to laugh at myself, she has given me confidence and has secured a secret, sappy spot in my heart, I lover her...
Together, the two of them have restored my hope that there is such thing as true love, so long as you don't stay so bitter that ya miss it. They are a happy, gracious, and humble couple, who sincerely deserve and appreciate what they have. I have always been grateful for him, but I will be forever grateful for her, as she has brought that missing piece to his life's puzzle, as trite as it sounds, she really and truly completes him, and he her in every way. I could go on for days, but I'll stop! By the time this wedding weekend is over I will have exceeded my sappy quota for life!
To my big brother from another mother, and his soon to be wife, I love you to bits, congratulations Boss!!!!! Drink up every single moment, I certainly raise my glass to you both :)
Monday, March 12, 2012
Ants in teh Pants
So for the past 6 months or so, I have been squirmy. Like, I want to or need to do something, change something, rearrange, reorganize, reevaluate- something. I have not had any particular inkling as to what it is I want to change... maybe my job... well, definately my job. But maybe my living situation? Maybe the scenery? I don't really know. I have been feeling more than stagnant lately. I have tried my normal fixes... rearranged my house, painted, left town, came back...
I think part of the issue is that one of my normal fixes for feeling squirmy and boxed in is to immediately change something in my life drastically... or to create some sort of chaos around me. A couple of weekends ago, I had a conversation with someone about how normally, I attribute this feeling to being stagnant. I have this little voice in my head that says if I am not constantly making changes I am not improving... One of my worst fears is that I will go back to that hazy comfortable place and just be. For some reason, if things have been coasting for even a moment, I convince myself that I must be slipping back into lazy, non-productive mode. This is at once a horrible and fantastic place for me to be...
In the last ten years this same feeling has led me to-
Move to Yellow Springs
Drop out of college
Embark on a trip around the country
Quit every single job I have had at the time (not without another one lined up though, I am not that crazy-yet.)
Live in my car
Buy a house (probably the most ridiculous of decisions to date)
Move to Dayton
Finish school
Go to grad school
Drop out of grad school
Hmm, so yeah. Impressive huh?! No, I do not really think that list is impressive. Ridiculous? Maybe. And, no I do not think any of those decisions were particularly bad ones (except buying the house). I am merely looking at my decision making process (or lack of process!)- I think that maybe I need to figure out what in the fuck it is that gives me the squirmy feeling as opposed to just reacting. I have made some silly and brash decisions while reacting, but I have also accomplished a hell of a lot whilst in this mental state...
Thankfully, in the last year or so I have come up with a bit more constructive way of dealing with feeling discontent- now, I cook. My roommate always knows when something is on my mind- whether I am bothered or just thinking- when she comes home and can hear the music blaring from the street she knows that I am in the process of filling the fridge with whatever the hell ethnicity I am currently obsessed with. She runs into the kitchen like a kid on Christmas, gigantic smile on her face, and before she squeals 'What are you making?' She always asks- is everything alright? Hahaha, my transparency is laughable. I don't say it often, but I do have a pretty kick-ass roommate, even if she makes me feel old on a daily basis (love you, lady). She could probably hold most of the credit for me NOT making any brash, ridiculous decisions in the last year, I guess that warrants some recognition, haha.
So, I don't know why I am feeling so discontent lately. Maybe it is the whole turning 30, what are you doing with yourself, where are you going thing. Maybe it's the change of season... Maybe I think too much. Yeah, ok, I know I think too much-but that is no different now than it has been at any other time in my life. What I drew from that conversation about stagnation is that- sometimes movement is not required. Sometimes it is necessary to marinate in the present so that what ever is cooking for the future can come to pass. And further, that 'moving up' is not always the good thing we think it to be. While all of that makes sense, it also drives me INSANE!!! What the fuck am I supposed to do RIGHT NOW?! If I get up and do something, chances are this squirmy feeling will go away (at least for the moment). That is what I have always done... oh, right. Fine. Maybe I will try to be as patiently still as possible.
Hey Solly... I am guessing there will be food when you get home tomorrow :D
I think part of the issue is that one of my normal fixes for feeling squirmy and boxed in is to immediately change something in my life drastically... or to create some sort of chaos around me. A couple of weekends ago, I had a conversation with someone about how normally, I attribute this feeling to being stagnant. I have this little voice in my head that says if I am not constantly making changes I am not improving... One of my worst fears is that I will go back to that hazy comfortable place and just be. For some reason, if things have been coasting for even a moment, I convince myself that I must be slipping back into lazy, non-productive mode. This is at once a horrible and fantastic place for me to be...
In the last ten years this same feeling has led me to-
Move to Yellow Springs
Drop out of college
Embark on a trip around the country
Quit every single job I have had at the time (not without another one lined up though, I am not that crazy-yet.)
Live in my car
Buy a house (probably the most ridiculous of decisions to date)
Move to Dayton
Finish school
Go to grad school
Drop out of grad school
Hmm, so yeah. Impressive huh?! No, I do not really think that list is impressive. Ridiculous? Maybe. And, no I do not think any of those decisions were particularly bad ones (except buying the house). I am merely looking at my decision making process (or lack of process!)- I think that maybe I need to figure out what in the fuck it is that gives me the squirmy feeling as opposed to just reacting. I have made some silly and brash decisions while reacting, but I have also accomplished a hell of a lot whilst in this mental state...
Thankfully, in the last year or so I have come up with a bit more constructive way of dealing with feeling discontent- now, I cook. My roommate always knows when something is on my mind- whether I am bothered or just thinking- when she comes home and can hear the music blaring from the street she knows that I am in the process of filling the fridge with whatever the hell ethnicity I am currently obsessed with. She runs into the kitchen like a kid on Christmas, gigantic smile on her face, and before she squeals 'What are you making?' She always asks- is everything alright? Hahaha, my transparency is laughable. I don't say it often, but I do have a pretty kick-ass roommate, even if she makes me feel old on a daily basis (love you, lady). She could probably hold most of the credit for me NOT making any brash, ridiculous decisions in the last year, I guess that warrants some recognition, haha.
So, I don't know why I am feeling so discontent lately. Maybe it is the whole turning 30, what are you doing with yourself, where are you going thing. Maybe it's the change of season... Maybe I think too much. Yeah, ok, I know I think too much-but that is no different now than it has been at any other time in my life. What I drew from that conversation about stagnation is that- sometimes movement is not required. Sometimes it is necessary to marinate in the present so that what ever is cooking for the future can come to pass. And further, that 'moving up' is not always the good thing we think it to be. While all of that makes sense, it also drives me INSANE!!! What the fuck am I supposed to do RIGHT NOW?! If I get up and do something, chances are this squirmy feeling will go away (at least for the moment). That is what I have always done... oh, right. Fine. Maybe I will try to be as patiently still as possible.
Hey Solly... I am guessing there will be food when you get home tomorrow :D
Monday, February 20, 2012
Tragically Hip
If you know me at all (or if you have read any number of my posts), it is fairly well established that I have an issue being vulnerable. I am the first to admit (at least in less-committal-than-verbal writing form) that it is hard for me to break down the barriers I have built in order to let people in. Even when I REALLY like the person, even when I REALLY wish I could let it all hang out and just invite them in to the inner workings of my brain and or my heart. The result is a stand-offish girl that is, at times, impossible to read. And I get that, trust me, with every single fiber of my being, I get that. And I hate it, infinitely more than any single person who has ever frustratingly and painstakingly tried to themselves break down my barriers.
My blog has been silent as of late because as opposed to rambling on about this lesson or that experiment, I have been doing what some might call actual field research. Someone peaked my interest as of late. Someone peaked my interest enough to allow me to just let things flow. No minute by minute analysis, no need to second guess or wonder, just pure flow. There were no conscious thoughts of this or that- I never told myself to let it happen organically, it just did. And, for the brief time that happened, it was amazing. I cannot remember the last time I just let go in the way I have in the last few months, I would go so far as to say that I was happy (No, not that I am unhappy all other times, more that I was happy in the way that one can be when connection with another human is happening, it is like some sort of temporary amnesia... like we forget what it is to go through the every day droning routine because in those moments everything seems to be electrified. Like it is all new and shiny). And, I liked it.
And then, as abruptly as it began, it stopped. The reason matters little, it's where my brain has gone in the last few days- that is what I consider noteworthy. My mind has been going a million miles an hour for a couple of days now. It's exhausting. It is tiring to at once punish myself for letting go and being vulnerable (however little I let go and however brief the time), while celebrating the fact that I did. The oxymornonical symphony that plays in my head on a constant is laughable. "Let go, let loose" and almost simultaneously "Stop this insanity, you are only going to hurt in the end" For every moment I let go there were ten that I stood back. The ratio was narrowing right when it all seemed to come crashing down, and normally that would send me back into my angry little cave, where I would cocoon into a torturous bout of self imposed criticism. Normally, I would regret every word, every action, I would tell myself "See, this is what you get for being too this or too that". Normally, I would hate myself for being so stand-offish while at the same time loathing every second that I had opened up. I would want to call and take back anything I might have said to offend or scare off. I would do whatever I could think of to try to feel better in this moment.
As much as I cringe to admit it, I am hurting. And as much as I want to say that it never mattered, it did. But for some reason, this time, I am okay with the hurt. I am happy that it mattered. Sure, all that self judgment shit has danced across my mind half a gillion times in the last few days... but that is it. That is all the power I have given it. Whether or not anything more comes of the situation is not up to me, which is sort of freeing, and slightly nerve racking at the same time. This is the highest point of vulnerability I have experienced in a long time. It makes me squirm. And I fucking hate it. I am literally in that spot where what will be, will be. It is the ultimate no control spot, I have no influence in the situation at the moment what so ever. Ugh, what an icky feeling. A year ago, I would be saying fuck it at this very moment. No person or situation can make you vulnerable if you choose not to give a fuck- but as wise people have pointed out to me, not giving a fuck is not the answer. It's a cop out. And as much as I ache for those moments of free flow, of bright, shiny and new, not every moment can be that way, not every interaction can be amazing. As much as the fuck it side of my brain would have me believe otherwise, feeling uncomfortable is good sometimes. Squirming usually indicates growth, and being in this vulnerable spot WILL NOT kill me.
I am the girl who has the eternal what if loop in her brain. I am the girl who will figure out a way to make a good thing seem shitty. I am the girl who sets the bar for herself miles and miles out of my own reach; and when I do not reach it, I punish myself... I second guess, over think, and underestimate me on a regular basis. Interestingly enough, I am the only one I allow to do this- let someone else second guess me. Let someone else underestimate me, I will set a course to prove them wrong immediately, and I won't stop until the mission is accomplished. How dangerous I would be if only I were to set out to prove that loop track in my head wrong. All I do know in this moment is that no matter what, life will keep going, whether I hurt my way through to the other side, or things take an unforeseen turn, whether I torture myself with what ifs or attempt to appreciate this exact moment, life will indeed keep moving... it may have been sweeter for a moment, and it may be sweeter yet in the future but how would we recognize the sweet if there weren't some bitter, salty, and spicy moments to differentiate?
My blog has been silent as of late because as opposed to rambling on about this lesson or that experiment, I have been doing what some might call actual field research. Someone peaked my interest as of late. Someone peaked my interest enough to allow me to just let things flow. No minute by minute analysis, no need to second guess or wonder, just pure flow. There were no conscious thoughts of this or that- I never told myself to let it happen organically, it just did. And, for the brief time that happened, it was amazing. I cannot remember the last time I just let go in the way I have in the last few months, I would go so far as to say that I was happy (No, not that I am unhappy all other times, more that I was happy in the way that one can be when connection with another human is happening, it is like some sort of temporary amnesia... like we forget what it is to go through the every day droning routine because in those moments everything seems to be electrified. Like it is all new and shiny). And, I liked it.
And then, as abruptly as it began, it stopped. The reason matters little, it's where my brain has gone in the last few days- that is what I consider noteworthy. My mind has been going a million miles an hour for a couple of days now. It's exhausting. It is tiring to at once punish myself for letting go and being vulnerable (however little I let go and however brief the time), while celebrating the fact that I did. The oxymornonical symphony that plays in my head on a constant is laughable. "Let go, let loose" and almost simultaneously "Stop this insanity, you are only going to hurt in the end" For every moment I let go there were ten that I stood back. The ratio was narrowing right when it all seemed to come crashing down, and normally that would send me back into my angry little cave, where I would cocoon into a torturous bout of self imposed criticism. Normally, I would regret every word, every action, I would tell myself "See, this is what you get for being too this or too that". Normally, I would hate myself for being so stand-offish while at the same time loathing every second that I had opened up. I would want to call and take back anything I might have said to offend or scare off. I would do whatever I could think of to try to feel better in this moment.
As much as I cringe to admit it, I am hurting. And as much as I want to say that it never mattered, it did. But for some reason, this time, I am okay with the hurt. I am happy that it mattered. Sure, all that self judgment shit has danced across my mind half a gillion times in the last few days... but that is it. That is all the power I have given it. Whether or not anything more comes of the situation is not up to me, which is sort of freeing, and slightly nerve racking at the same time. This is the highest point of vulnerability I have experienced in a long time. It makes me squirm. And I fucking hate it. I am literally in that spot where what will be, will be. It is the ultimate no control spot, I have no influence in the situation at the moment what so ever. Ugh, what an icky feeling. A year ago, I would be saying fuck it at this very moment. No person or situation can make you vulnerable if you choose not to give a fuck- but as wise people have pointed out to me, not giving a fuck is not the answer. It's a cop out. And as much as I ache for those moments of free flow, of bright, shiny and new, not every moment can be that way, not every interaction can be amazing. As much as the fuck it side of my brain would have me believe otherwise, feeling uncomfortable is good sometimes. Squirming usually indicates growth, and being in this vulnerable spot WILL NOT kill me.
I am the girl who has the eternal what if loop in her brain. I am the girl who will figure out a way to make a good thing seem shitty. I am the girl who sets the bar for herself miles and miles out of my own reach; and when I do not reach it, I punish myself... I second guess, over think, and underestimate me on a regular basis. Interestingly enough, I am the only one I allow to do this- let someone else second guess me. Let someone else underestimate me, I will set a course to prove them wrong immediately, and I won't stop until the mission is accomplished. How dangerous I would be if only I were to set out to prove that loop track in my head wrong. All I do know in this moment is that no matter what, life will keep going, whether I hurt my way through to the other side, or things take an unforeseen turn, whether I torture myself with what ifs or attempt to appreciate this exact moment, life will indeed keep moving... it may have been sweeter for a moment, and it may be sweeter yet in the future but how would we recognize the sweet if there weren't some bitter, salty, and spicy moments to differentiate?
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Chaos in the Brain
Just a quick little heads up- I sat down to write today, with no particular agenda, just that I knew something needed to be purged- the resulting post is below, and will probably make little to no sense to anyone. I have taken in so much e-crack in the last few days it appears as though I am unable to relate cohesive thoughts! Feel free to skip it and come back another day!
So, I have been a bit TV obsessed lately. I'm one of those odd people who is easily amused but I also have a REALLY short attention span- so I do not generally get hooked on TV shows, rarely does a movie engage me enough that I will stay awake for the whole thing, comedies aren't generally as funny to me as they are to others, and I am what some might call a pop culture moron. What can I say, I live under a rock most of the time and I am good with that- even though it does seem highly annoying to my friends who are forever explaining things I guess I 'should know'.
I mentioned in my last post that I began watching the Star Wars movies- this was a serious shocker to those close to me, especially when I revealed that I had paid enough attention to have a general idea of the plot line and characters. While watching the first three movies (whatever the hell you call them, not the prequels) I got this feeling like I had seen the story line before. Where, where had I seen it? As I searched around the incredibly murky waters of my memory it hit me- Oedipus! Holy shit, I learned this story in undergrad. Those fucking Greeks. They pop up everywhere... the story line is so similar its laughable.
I remember wading through thousands of pages of reading when studying the Classics in undergrad- like thousands of pages a week. I also specifically remember wondering what in the holy fuck I was supposed to get out of all this information while sprinting through it at such a breakneck pace. My prof at the time (who later turned out to be an amazing mentor) kept telling me that I would find the themes of the stories we were studying everywhere for the rest of my life, I rolled my eyes at her and thought that she was full of shit.
As I have mentioned before, I stayed away from Star Wars for a long time, mainly because I thought it was some boring sci-fi movie with a cult nerd following. Through the convincing of one such nerd, I gave it a chance and found myself not only amused, but intrigued... once I put together the Oedipus commonality I started to realize that my prof may have been right- the themes of the Classics are everywhere, and depending on how they are presented and packaged, they seem to have a universal appeal.
My latest obsession is the FX series Sons of Anarchy. The appeal to this show is a bit more obvious for me, at least on the surface. Ever since I was a child I have been obsessed with all things mob related, and the outlaw deal fits perfectly in with that theme. SOA is modeled after Shakespear's Hamlet, this is no secret, even the show's writers will admit that. And I have to admit, just as Lucas was brilliant to select the Oedipus plot line for his Star Wars, the creators of SOA were ingenious in using Hamlet. There are elements to these story lines that made them classics to begin with- they hold universal appeal to the human psyche.
The universal themes are apparent- friendship, family, loyalty, but also a desire for certainty and one's own truth. What has always intrigued me is- how these appeal to the human psyche... In essence, how is it that I could connect and appreciate these stories while millions of others do the same... do we have the same connections? The Mr. Rogers mentality would have you believe not. If we are all unique individuals, how could millions of us possibly share the same connections- how could one storyline have such mass appeal? Let's be clear here, I know I am a weirdo. Many people watching these movies and shows have no idea why they are hooked- normal people probably do not sit around contemplating themes and meanings. I am guessing that most people take these things for what they are- entertainment. But, I have never claimed to be normal, these are the weird things that swim around in the fish bowl that is my brain on a day to day basis.
GET TO THE POINT ALREADY. I know, I am a rambler. But if you haven't got it by now, this is the place I record all my weird little ponderings in hopes that someday they will make even a bit of sense to me!
I think my point, for now at least, is that there is such thing as universal connection. There will always be commonalities to build from, as opposed to differences to splinter off from (both view points are expressed almost to the point of exhaustion in SOA). Focus on commonalities or differences is nothing new either- we have shifted back and forth from one to the other for literally thousands upon thousands of years... There comes a point where shattering one another for differences gets old and humanity goes through a period of unification, only to swing back around and try to categorize one another into boxes yet again. I think that is why I chose to study the history of everything back in undergrad, because I wanted to know what those patterns were in order to be more aware of them in present day. That is also why I ramble on with seemingly random thoughts... they are all interconnected somehow, but until I get those connections on the human, and even more so, on the personal level- I am doomed to repeat the same silly patterns of my own past.
So, I have been a bit TV obsessed lately. I'm one of those odd people who is easily amused but I also have a REALLY short attention span- so I do not generally get hooked on TV shows, rarely does a movie engage me enough that I will stay awake for the whole thing, comedies aren't generally as funny to me as they are to others, and I am what some might call a pop culture moron. What can I say, I live under a rock most of the time and I am good with that- even though it does seem highly annoying to my friends who are forever explaining things I guess I 'should know'.
I mentioned in my last post that I began watching the Star Wars movies- this was a serious shocker to those close to me, especially when I revealed that I had paid enough attention to have a general idea of the plot line and characters. While watching the first three movies (whatever the hell you call them, not the prequels) I got this feeling like I had seen the story line before. Where, where had I seen it? As I searched around the incredibly murky waters of my memory it hit me- Oedipus! Holy shit, I learned this story in undergrad. Those fucking Greeks. They pop up everywhere... the story line is so similar its laughable.
I remember wading through thousands of pages of reading when studying the Classics in undergrad- like thousands of pages a week. I also specifically remember wondering what in the holy fuck I was supposed to get out of all this information while sprinting through it at such a breakneck pace. My prof at the time (who later turned out to be an amazing mentor) kept telling me that I would find the themes of the stories we were studying everywhere for the rest of my life, I rolled my eyes at her and thought that she was full of shit.
As I have mentioned before, I stayed away from Star Wars for a long time, mainly because I thought it was some boring sci-fi movie with a cult nerd following. Through the convincing of one such nerd, I gave it a chance and found myself not only amused, but intrigued... once I put together the Oedipus commonality I started to realize that my prof may have been right- the themes of the Classics are everywhere, and depending on how they are presented and packaged, they seem to have a universal appeal.
My latest obsession is the FX series Sons of Anarchy. The appeal to this show is a bit more obvious for me, at least on the surface. Ever since I was a child I have been obsessed with all things mob related, and the outlaw deal fits perfectly in with that theme. SOA is modeled after Shakespear's Hamlet, this is no secret, even the show's writers will admit that. And I have to admit, just as Lucas was brilliant to select the Oedipus plot line for his Star Wars, the creators of SOA were ingenious in using Hamlet. There are elements to these story lines that made them classics to begin with- they hold universal appeal to the human psyche.
The universal themes are apparent- friendship, family, loyalty, but also a desire for certainty and one's own truth. What has always intrigued me is- how these appeal to the human psyche... In essence, how is it that I could connect and appreciate these stories while millions of others do the same... do we have the same connections? The Mr. Rogers mentality would have you believe not. If we are all unique individuals, how could millions of us possibly share the same connections- how could one storyline have such mass appeal? Let's be clear here, I know I am a weirdo. Many people watching these movies and shows have no idea why they are hooked- normal people probably do not sit around contemplating themes and meanings. I am guessing that most people take these things for what they are- entertainment. But, I have never claimed to be normal, these are the weird things that swim around in the fish bowl that is my brain on a day to day basis.
GET TO THE POINT ALREADY. I know, I am a rambler. But if you haven't got it by now, this is the place I record all my weird little ponderings in hopes that someday they will make even a bit of sense to me!
I think my point, for now at least, is that there is such thing as universal connection. There will always be commonalities to build from, as opposed to differences to splinter off from (both view points are expressed almost to the point of exhaustion in SOA). Focus on commonalities or differences is nothing new either- we have shifted back and forth from one to the other for literally thousands upon thousands of years... There comes a point where shattering one another for differences gets old and humanity goes through a period of unification, only to swing back around and try to categorize one another into boxes yet again. I think that is why I chose to study the history of everything back in undergrad, because I wanted to know what those patterns were in order to be more aware of them in present day. That is also why I ramble on with seemingly random thoughts... they are all interconnected somehow, but until I get those connections on the human, and even more so, on the personal level- I am doomed to repeat the same silly patterns of my own past.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
The Force
Well, now that the whirl wind that our culture calls 'the holidays' is over, it is time to take a deep breath and look to the new year. I find it interesting to see what people make of a new year. Some people treat it as a clean slate- no matter what happened last year, this one is afresh with possibilities- whatever happened last year can stay with last year. Others make serious promises to themselves- resolutions- This year, I will loose weight, stop biting my nails, eat healthier, quit smoking or whatever else. Me, I'm not so big on sweeping resolutions. For one, I don't see the point in using one day a year to resolve to do something- plus, I know a bit about who I am. I know that if I really want to be, I can be pretty fucking disciplined, but that has to happen on my terms, not because there has been a day designated on the calendar for all to hunker down and become more productive or less hedonistic. I think that any day is as good as another to make positive changes in ones life.
I do, however, like the idea of looking at a stretch of time in review...I have no intention of 'starting over', but I think it is important to take stock in where I have been in order to navigate in an informed way where I want to go. Many people ended the year by asserting how terrible it was, and all I could think is- Really?! The entire year? Like everyday sucked?! How is that possible? Then I realized that different people have different outlooks, and there may have been a time in my life where I would have said that an entire year sucked. I don't know if I want to say it's as dualistic as pessimism or optimism- although I suppose one could. I think it has more to do with individual experience, and what we each take from those experiences. Many people I know are still stuck in the thinking pattern that everything happens to them- so I could see where the whole year might seem to suck. Me, I am good with knowing that everything happens for me, and that further it is not now nor will it ever be all about me. Think about those two ideas. Seriously, there is a whole lot of freedom in both.
So, I look at the year in review and here are the things that come immediately to mind-
What I am about to say is probably the nerdiest thing I have ever said-In 2011, I saw Star Wars and The Empire Strikes Back for the first time. I will admit to having originally written off these movies because of their cult following. After actually viewing them and taking in the characters and plot line I can now say- I really think George Lucas was on to something with his concept of the Force. Life really is all in the mind, how you think about things, and the discipline you exert in both your thinking and actions. That energy can be positive or negative and can be manifested in good or evil ways in life. A year can be all good or all bad, an experience can be devastating or life altering, it all comes down to the way you choose to think about it. I think Yoda said it best in Empire Strikes Back "Do, or do not...there is no try." No other words could more aptly describe what 2011 taught me. It is no longer acceptable to hide under the cop out of 'I am trying.' In order to move forward I must commit to doing what I need to do, and to stop doing what doesn't foster the growth path I am on. "Named must your fear be before banish it you can."
I do, however, like the idea of looking at a stretch of time in review...I have no intention of 'starting over', but I think it is important to take stock in where I have been in order to navigate in an informed way where I want to go. Many people ended the year by asserting how terrible it was, and all I could think is- Really?! The entire year? Like everyday sucked?! How is that possible? Then I realized that different people have different outlooks, and there may have been a time in my life where I would have said that an entire year sucked. I don't know if I want to say it's as dualistic as pessimism or optimism- although I suppose one could. I think it has more to do with individual experience, and what we each take from those experiences. Many people I know are still stuck in the thinking pattern that everything happens to them- so I could see where the whole year might seem to suck. Me, I am good with knowing that everything happens for me, and that further it is not now nor will it ever be all about me. Think about those two ideas. Seriously, there is a whole lot of freedom in both.
So, I look at the year in review and here are the things that come immediately to mind-
- While everything happens for a reason, rarely does anything happen the way I think it should- or when I think it should.
- I am wrong a majority of the time, and that's alright as long as I can acknowledge it, learn from it, and move on.
- Nothing in this life is permanent, enjoy the moment while it lasts, because this one, like any other will pass, and another will follow.
- Sometimes, lessons come from what we may think to be the most unlikely sources.
- Keep your eyes, mind, and heart open at all times.
What I am about to say is probably the nerdiest thing I have ever said-In 2011, I saw Star Wars and The Empire Strikes Back for the first time. I will admit to having originally written off these movies because of their cult following. After actually viewing them and taking in the characters and plot line I can now say- I really think George Lucas was on to something with his concept of the Force. Life really is all in the mind, how you think about things, and the discipline you exert in both your thinking and actions. That energy can be positive or negative and can be manifested in good or evil ways in life. A year can be all good or all bad, an experience can be devastating or life altering, it all comes down to the way you choose to think about it. I think Yoda said it best in Empire Strikes Back "Do, or do not...there is no try." No other words could more aptly describe what 2011 taught me. It is no longer acceptable to hide under the cop out of 'I am trying.' In order to move forward I must commit to doing what I need to do, and to stop doing what doesn't foster the growth path I am on. "Named must your fear be before banish it you can."
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