Guerilla Warfare

It's been quite a long stretch since I have committed a blog to type.  There has been A LOT of action in the battlefield that is my mind's eye, but I haven't taken the time to write any of it down or really even to talk about it in general. Up until this week, time seemed like a commodity I'd sell my soul for, which is pretty much what I have been doing.  For the last month or two I have run from one place to the next, sleeping little, eating shit, and freaking the fuck out about shit that doesn't matter at all in the scheme of things. And recently, it all came crashing to a crystal clear fucking halt. 

I know just enough about myself to be dangerous if I were to apply it with any sort of consistency. I hate that initial free fall back down to earth.  Fuck, it stings. Coming to rest in a scratched and bruised up heap, goddamn I am fucking tough on myself.  The thud is always louder than I anticipate and it generally serves the purpose of startling me back into consciousness where I am left to sort through the rubble that is my mind and body after a stint of the fuck-its.  And I always spend far more time beating myself up for the fuck-its then I do on basking in personal revelation or taking notice of a job well done.  And I have been wondering for a while... why is that? Why can I not take as much credit for progress as I do for failure? What the fuck is up with that? 

I spend so much time trying like hell to propel myself forward, that I frequently miss my own fucking milestones.  And then, at the first sign of a detour I rail on myself about everything I have yet to accomplish. And that is where I have been for the past few weeks. Actually, I started writing this blog entry a few weeks ago so- fuck, the past month or so. I've ridden the train of self destructive behavior, I've taken up residence in my head, I've run the gamut of anger, self pity, fear, and teetered on the edge of depressed, in short, I have spent FAR TOO MUCH fucking time in the dark corners of my introversion.

And then, this morning, I read this post by one of my favorite bloggers - The Bullshit of Being a Work in Progress.  Go ahead, read it, I'll wait...

The title doesn't lie, huh?!

"When life doesn’t go the way we envision or we find ourselves having screwed up (yet again), we ladle the I’m-a-work-in-progress bullshit on anyone who will listen.
And the sad thing is (well, for me at least) that we’ve convinced ourselves that there’s a goal. That there’s some elusive day akin to a good parking space at Whole Foods where we’ll wake up and realize that we’ve made it.  We’ve convinced ourselves that we’re perpetual works in progress and we forget...
Well, we forget that today’s the fucking day. Today’s the day we wake up surrounded by hedgehogs and hot girls on Harleys. It’s the day where we’ve done it — we’ve gotten there."

Goddamn, that chick has some fucking eloquence, eh?  Well, what a fan-fucking-tastical reminder! I am right fucking here, right fucking now, and I am good with it.  Instead of taking time and energy to beat myself up as a means to forward progression, or whatever other dumbass, newagey, oxymornical phrase my brain decides to attach to it, I'm gunna take a deep breath in and take credit for where I am RIGHT FUCKING now.  I'll just be over here, filing work in progress right alongside the Mr. Rogers terminal uniqueness rhetoric... it's a dumb fucking story I tell myself, it's self deprecation thinly veiled as motivation, it's the Guerrilla Warfare I wage on my own consciousness.  It's high time I recognize that this shift in consciousness I go on about- from guerrilla warrior to gorilla power, is happening NOW- it is what it is all in this moment.  And ya know what, I WILL celebrate that, abso-fucking-ultely!

Pro-paelo-lific: Day 1

So, a few years ago I developed these weird, chronic stomach issues.  Every time I ate, my stomach hurt, and just after I ate I would be overcome by lethargy.  It went on for a couple months, I tried taking things out of my diet, I tried avoiding food in general, I lived off antacids for a while... it seemed as though the problem was gluten, and man was I pissed. Who doesn't love bread, and pasta, and really everything carb?! And, in case you don't know...gluten is in PRACTICALLY EVERY FUCKING THING!!!! Desperate for an alternative solution, I went to a homeopathic doctor, who, after a 3 hour consult, gave me what is referred to as a constitutional in the homeopathic world.  And, much to my surprise, it worked!!! I got to go back to eating all the things I loved and felt better.  Shockingly, whatever that little remedy was, it worked for well over two years.  Then, last year, I started having issues again.  At the same time I started reading things about our food (mainly wheat)...and how it has been SO severely crossbred and modified over the last 30 years that it doesn't even resemble it's original molecular structure...

Ok, I am rambling a bit. While I could go on for DAYS about the fucked-up-ness of what is happening to us through our food sources, I will save that part for another day.  There is a connection here to other things I have been rambling about as of late...I think I have always been aware of the connection between mind and body in some form... but in the last couple of days it has become so apparent. I have been struggling through this transition period (for the last couple months, but even more so in the last week or so), I have also been dealing with the resurgence in my stomach issues, and the cherry on top has been this incredibly HELLISH heartburn that arrived a couple of days ago.  The heartburn thing was what really got me thinking...

A friend shared with me that the throat correlates to the throat chakra (which is associated with communication), and that in turn, the physical manifestation of heartburn could be connected to a need to communicate... I know, I know, it is almost too woo woo for me as well.  But then I started doing a teensy bit of research, and it sort of started making sense...Oddly, when I began this blog I wanted to use this as a platform to communicate all the  crazy (seemingly non-connected) crap that swirls around in my dome, but as of late, I have scarcely had the energy or brain power to organize any of it into cohesive thought.  So yeah, I guess I do feel a bit communicatively stifled right now. Huh... they couldn't possible be related... or could they?

In addition to the chakra stuff, I started reading a book on eating Paleo yesterday.  Another thing I have been thinking about for a while... it seems to have helped a lot of people with similar health shit, and I know I respond well to a diet that is higher in protein and lower in carbs.  And, what do ya know, as I am reading the book I start seeing the correlation between grain/gluten intake and the mental confusion I have been experiencing lately too! WEIRDNESS.  Weird, but in a good way.  It gives me hope that there are solutions other than just feeling completely and totally overwhelmed... because that is what happens when I get to thinking about all this shit... Like well, the only solution is to change every motherfucking thing and start over from scratch and be completely perfect at it. NO WONDER I have been so apprehensive to make ANY changes! Talk about setting ones self up for failure!  Well, the book addressed all of that as well, and gave me a sliver of confidence that I can do this and be easy on myself.

Isn't it funny what the human mind can do to self sabotage?? I need to make changes, but I tell myself I will just fail anyway, so why bother? Fuck it.  And I KNOW I am not the only one who does this.  I talk myself out of positive change all the time...I hide behind the fear of failure and then a month goes by.  And then some other thing comes up and three months slip away.  And before I know it, I have spent a year making excuses for not doing something that could potentially help me.  WHAT THE FUCK???!!!!

So, today is the day... I start making some tangible changes- like cutting out grain, legumes and (the scariest one for me) dairy, and going back to being more aware of what I put in my body.  I am not going to be a zealot about it... so as NOT to set myself up for failure from jump. I am just going to make this simple shift for 30 days and see what happens.  I really don't have a whole lot to lose at this point, and if I get more energy and start to feel better, I will totally keep going.  My hope is that if the physical parts of me stop feeling so crappy, the mental shit will surely follow suit, even if it is only in small ways.  And, as part of the connection between mind and body, I am going to keep writing. Even if it's garbled and confusing, I can't just keep it all in my head because it seems too hard to relate cohesively... patience grasshopper, all things will shift in good time, it all starts with willingness and an open mind, right?

Words of Wisdom

Hello universe, it's me. I am performing my cranial rectal extraction right now. Thanks for the friendly reminder :)

Capricorn horoscope for Jul, 05, 2013
You have been using your experience and your intellect to try and solve a problem. So far, though, no satisfactory solution has come to you. But what you are trying to approach in a very logical and practical way may require creativity and innovation instead. The tried and true may not apply to a current challenge, Capricorn. But you are someone who is very analytical, and it's often hard for you to veer from the well-traveled course that has always worked for you in the past. It's time to blaze a trail. Have faith in your intuition.

Well, then. I guess it really is time to say goodbye to Plato, so as to make room for Aristotle.  In an effort to blaze that trail, I think this song is appropriate. Not closing a chapter, I am beginning an entirely new book.
And-I love you, Ani. Thanks for reading my mind all the time <3


"Untouchable Face"

think i'm going for a walk now
i feel a little unsteady
i don't want nobody to follow me
'cept maybe you
i could make you happy you know
if you weren't already
i could do a lot of things
and i do

tell you the truth i prefer
the worst of you
too bad you had to have a better half
she's not really my type
but i think you two are forever
and i hate to say it but
you're perfect together

so fuck you
and your untouchable face
and fuck you
for existing in the first place
and who am i
that i should be vying for your touch
and who am i
i bet you can't even tell me that much

two-thirty in the morning
and my gas tank will be empty soon
neon sign on the horizon
rubbing elbows with the moon
a safe haven of sleepless
where the deep fryer's always on
radio is counting down
the top 20 country songs
and out on the porch the fly strip is
waving like a flag in the wind
y'know, i don't look forward
to seeing you again soon
you'll look like a photograph of yourself
taken from far far away
and i won't know what to do
and i won't know what to say

except fuck you...

i see you and i'm so perplexed
what was i thinking
what will i think of next
where can i hide
in the back room there's a lamp
that hangs over the pool table
and when the fan is on it swings
gently side to side
there's a changing constellation
of balls as we are playing
i see orion and say nothing
the only thing i can think of saying

is fuck you...

A Priori

I find it difficult some days to show up and be myself, it's like whatever this internal conflict is going on inside me takes over....I am not necessarily sad, but I definitely feel as though I am in some sort of extended transition period.  It's not the most exciting or comfortable space to be in, but it isn't terrible either... just letting it all flow, and trusting that this too, won't last forever.  All I can do at the moment is stay open, and more importantly, aware of all that is going on in my head and my heart.  Even when I feel as though it's a chore, I am still eternally grateful for my own consciousness. I read a bit on the Evolution of the Imagination in the Western World this morning and it brought to light many of the concepts I have been struggling with  internally... things for which I had no prior means to articulate.  In essence, I believe my 'inner Plato' has been doing battle with my 'inner Aristotle'.  The inner Plato wants me to reason everything to death, attempting (and failing) to make all of my experiences neat and grounded, while the inner Aristotle is trying to prove that reason cannot always work in every situation.  I like Aristotle, I agree with his concept of the imagination, it makes more sense to run things through the imaginative filter first, as opposed to Plato's concept of skipping straight to reason.  But I grew up with a Christian filter... my default is to lean on Plato, even if my intuition tries to tell me to lean on Aristotle, that Christian filter tells me not to trust my intuition in the first place.  So I end up chasing my proverbial tale, quite a lot... I find it fascinating that concepts I unconsciously absorbed growing up still effect my thinking today, even when I attempt to consciously push them out of my psyche. There is a lot more to this inner Plato vs. Aristotle battle, of that I am sure... but at least for now I think I have the beginnings of my finger on the concept...I can see Plato at work in my life right now-

Plato-Here lately, I've scarcely had time to breathe... in an effort to keep myself out of trouble and keep myself from repeating the same silly mistakes over and over, I took on a third job.  On a slow week I am averaging about 60 hours between the three jobs.  The third one occupies most of my nights and weekends, and for the most part, that is exactly what I wanted.  It has helped me stay out of my head and has kept me generally focused (grounded) on forward motion (in reason).  I feel challenged...something that I seem to only be able to obtain through a packed schedule and multitasking (because the alternative challenge in my imagination appears to be too scary??).  It has left me little personal time, and for now, I am good with that.  (strangely [or not] I seem to be dreaming A LOT more than usual...hmmm...) 

Aristotle-There seems to be a great deal of shifting going on internally right now, so my plan is to stick with this crazy schedule and let the shifting happen internally as long as possible, at a certain point I know I will need to consciously deal with all the internal stuff, but I am also aware that I am not ready for that quite yet.(And, there's Plato, sneaking up on me.)

The third job has provided me with the opportunity to meet new people, experience new things, and to rediscover the joy in hard work (well, there's that puritan, Christian informed ethic). It has also tested the limits of my introversion, which I believe is necessary for this next stage in growth.  Being the silent observer has it's benefits, but I cannot spend all my time around other people in my head.... people start to wonder and look at you funny! Plus, everyone around me seems to do a great job of reminding me to 'loosen up'.  In fact, it has been said to me so often in the last couple weeks, even I am annoyed by my quiet brooding, (and right about now I want to say fuck you, Plato!).  In the middle of a loud and very crowded club this weekend, an older gentleman tapped me on the shoulder and flashed a gigantic smile, I then realized I was concentrating so intently on maneuvering through the crowd that I was frowning.  I smiled back at him and mouthed the words 'thank you', sometimes I just need a reminder- I wear everything that is in my head on my face...  I still feel awkwardly alone in rooms full of people, but I am trying to be ok with it... This past weekend was full of new and crazy experiences, and this up coming weekend promises to be more of the same...

It seems as though what is happening is that I have to make a conscious and consistent effort to bring reason (or Plato) back into the helm of my thoughts, because as Jean so beautifully stated-

     Transcendental or productive imagination is an active,
     spontaneous power, a process that begins of itself and by itself.
     It's not primed through any external agency.

Where as it seems that reason takes a considerable amount of effort... it's almost the opposite of the spontaneity of the imagination.  So I am going to keep soaking it all in, and maybe STOP trying to unpack every single fucking thing...because I believe this to be the meat of where the two concepts are fighting it out in my head...jesus, sometimes I wish I could just get out of my own goddamned way!!!!

Beginning

i think I am beginning to understand what really comes from lying in pieces on the bedroom floor. And I am at peace with that. 

Tread Lightly

There is a lot of stuff rattling around in my brain, I am having a hard time putting it to words, but as each day passes, it gets more crowded up there, so I guess I better try to let some of it out...

I refuse to falsify resolutions and/or conclusions in the interest of 'being done with it'. While it is 1,000,000 times more uncomfortable to do so, I will sit with a resolution until I've ratified it in my head. There is definitely gratitude in that.  Although, this process does tend to lead to making simple things complicated...and fuck, am I am all too familiar with that.  I am also familiar with taking on other people's shit...when I do that, I cover up my own, and hence provide myself with the necessary veil to ignore my own lessons.  I know that the awareness of all this comes as an aside to being conscious, which on most days I am grateful for, but I do sometimes wish I could just go back to compartmentalizing things...

Swimming through the dark and murky waters of my brain...  Thankfully, I know how to swim, but the water is cold and my muscles are getting fatigued...I have begun taking the necessary precautions to conserve energy, but nothing really cures that lactic acid burn except time at rest.  That's a tall order, how to rest while treading water...hmm, perhaps I should just put my feet down and see if I can touch the bottom. Focus. Remember, this all boils down to self. Self acceptance, self assuredness, self awareness. 

Loneliness is a construct of my own mind, instead of spending time and energy constructing feelings around that, use that space to recognize all it not lost.  Change is inevitable, challenge can be rewarding, and life does continue, even if it's on a completely foreign path...all I can do is turn my focus inward... damn it, sometimes I really wish I was an extrovert.  I wish I could process things externally, with people, as opposed to needing to be by myself, in my head...but only I can make myself a victim of my own mind, and so too, only I can make my mind work to my advantage. I know that I can at once be my own worst enemy and my own best cheerleader, and right now, I am really working on improving the way I do the latter for myself.

Broken hearts mend, and this experience will lend itself to clarity, conclusion, and resolution, eventually; but without that mental focus I could allow it to consume me, or to derail me, or to let it all to go whizzing right past me... The only thing I can guarantee myself at this moment, is that this, like so many other experiences I have written about before, will pass...and I am confidant that I will emerge having become a better person for it, even if I have no idea at this moment what that will look like.

Shattered

I'm not one to post quick and dirties, normally I will think a post out, write it, read it, and edit it... But tonight I'm too tired and frustrated, so here it is. Tonight I relearned, for the millionth time, that no matter how genuine, how loving, or how pure an intention- it matters not. Reality is, that everyone else has their own best interest at heart first and foremost. This is apparently quite normal. So, what I need to learn, as fast as fucking possible, is how to quit giving a fuck about other people before me. That sentiment will NEVER be returned. It doesn't mean I shouldn't care about others, I get that, it just means that I will never be #1 in anyone else's book, so I better fucking figure out how to be #1 in my own. I understand this is probably elementary to most, but godfuckingdamnit how many times do I need to be soul raped before I get that?!! Ughhhh. I am so fucking hurt, angry and frustrated, and I have no one but myself to blame. I will learn this, if I have to spend the rest of my days alone to get it. Fucking eh.

***Next morning addendum
Going to sleep hurt and angry will really effect a person's dreams.  After posting this, I fell into a fitful sleep that brought on dreams of clarity.  While I love and respect people in my life, I have not been doing the same for myself, this is why I often feel frustrated with the way that people treat me.  The saying shouldn't be treat others as you want to be treated, but rather, treat YOURSELF as you want to be treated.  I am conscious of this now and will be working towards developing higher standards for how I treat myself.  In essence, I need to learn to honor myself, and in theory, people will do the same.  I have taught every person in my life how to treat me, including those who continually hurt me, I allow this to happen by not honoring myself...hence having no one but myself to blame.  I believe in the power of connection and unconditional love, but because I have thus far failed at providing that for myself, I have yet to experience it outside of myself.  What a ridiculous circle.

Last night in my dreams, I was able to stand outside of myself and watch both how I allow things to unfold for myself as well as experience, almost in a third person sort of way, what that does to my psyche, my heart, and my thought process.  It felt realllllllllly icky in dreamland, and feels even more gross now that I consciously recall it.  I want it to go away.  But, like everything else in this life, it ain't just gunna happen.  Forging new connections in my brain takes both footwork and time...if only it were as simple as flipping a switch.  Sometime I just really wish someone would hold MY hand.