In the last year and half I have often shared on here that I felt as though there was a big lesson standing in front of me, just out of my grasp. I have tried to put to words a feeling that was as indescribable as it was persistent...What I am learning is that no lesson is ever singular in nature, they are all interwoven threads that make up our daily lives- and they are ALWAYS there... the tangibility has more to do with the student being conscious than anything else. And, at least for me, I have spent most of my life constantly trying to figure it out and deal with it before the universe deems me ready for it, which is a big part of why I struggle and squirm. In fact, I will go to great lengths to see what the future holds so that I might brace myself for whatever impact there will be of things to come. I talk about letting things happen organically a lot, but talking about it and actually being still to let life unfold in that manner takes an immense amount of practice and a fucking lot of patience! So, as I am thinking this morning about how I need to write all of this down, I read my horoscope...
"The universe rarely outwits you. But since you lost your cheat-sheet this week, you're down here with the rest of us mortals. Try to look at it as a good thing; your tendency to know all the answers ahead of tine was not only obnoxious, it kept you from developing yourself or being challenged at times. Getting an honest score on life's tests will not only earn you valuable self-knowledge, it will bring you closer to the real answers, the ones that will mean something to you, unlike those you lifted straight from the book."
Well, goddamn it. That damned universe, it is always RIGHT ON FUCKING TOP OF IT!!!! That intangible lesson has been right there the whole time...oddly enough, I have many of the clues I have been picking up as well as the ones I have been choosing to ignore, documented on here. Unfortunately, I occasionally fall victim to blissful ignorance, through the beauty of shiny distraction... and anything can be a shiny distraction, if I let it. As I sit here typing, I realize there are distractions just floating in my periphery. Part of me wants to reach out and grab hold of them, so that I can squirm out of this uncomfortable corner it feels as though I have backed myself into. Part of me wants to shrug off this new-found consciousness I have about the lessons staring me down... I want to focus outward and should on people, I want to throw a tantrum about how unfair it is that I have to sit in this space and fucking squirm while others bar hop their way through life, blissfully unaware of how their unconscious actions trample on other people's feelings and BAM!!!!!!!!!! There it is, the distraction trigger is cocked, and all I have to do to pull it is stay right there in outward blame mode.
The truth is, that this has nothing to do with anyone else. It NEVER DOES!!!! The only part the other people play in any situation is that he or she MAY represent an opportunity for me to bring about consciousness within myself on some issue... the choice then, becomes whether I stay with that consciousness or shift the focus to someone or something outside myself and then return to that state of supposed blissful unawareness. And, lets be honest kids, consciousness can be fucking uncomfortable. It's that fire in my belly, or the ache in my heart... It's that feeling that makes me want to run away, or check out. It's a funny thing, I wait for those conscious moments, and then when they come all I want to do is stuff that shit right back in whatever box it came from and NEVER open it again. The truth is, what I want is RARELY what I need. What I want is most always the distraction. But the distraction is the what keeps me from traversing to that next level of consciousness... and if I am truly honest, consciousness in and of itself isn't all that uncomfortable. It's just those tiny, singular moments where the mind gears up for the leap, that are the painful ones...perhaps there is truth in that saying about no pain, no gain.
I, like anybody else, find a comfort zone and want desperately to cling to it. I want to feel the warm embrace of routine, the illusion of security that I fool myself into while I think I have it all figured out. But the universe often has a cunning way of reminding me that I am never as in charge or in the know as I let myself believe. The truth is that all I know and the only person I can speak about is myself. Anything beyond that is a neurotic distraction from the present moment. Outward focus gains nothing, well except for further distracting me from opportunities to transcend. So, in stepping out of my neurotic comfort zone, I choose not to focus on the anger or hurt floating in the periphery, and instead listen to what the universe has to say... A line from a particular Pink song comes to mind; and while the entire song seems so realavant right now, this line in particular keeps standing out to me-
"It takes your breath, and it leaves a scar, but those untouched never got, never got very far..."
I feel as though I am right there, in that moment in my life. I have finally come to that point where I let it take my breath, and yep; it left a scar. But the truth about life is that both the gasp and the scar are necessary and completely worth what I gain from the experience. Avoidance was my cheat-sheet, anger my distraction, and consciousness is my resolution. So my heart may hurt, my belly might ache, but somehow I am at peace with that. I need to remember that the truth is when I make conscious choices, even if I slip back into neurosis, it doesn't have to be permanent.
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Casualties of the Mind
visceral-characterized by or proceeding from instinct rather than intellect.
I am a girl who spends a majority of the time in her head, over analyzing every. last. thing. Everything I say, everything I do, everything I think. The curse is two fold, it's obsessively over thinking any and everything, be it my job or my personal life, and then staying in my head about it until I am so paralyzed by fear (real or perceived) that I am unable to make any sense of it outside of my own head... and I hate that space. Some days are worse than others... some days I almost forget how awkward I am. Other days it seems completely inescapable. It's tiring... exhausting really, but ironically it's also the source of my intermittent insomnia. I worry myself sick over mostly dumb shit that is out of my control. Mine is a monkey mind that, when left unattended can be frightening and or dangerous. Not dangerous to others... mainly dangerous to me. I hate being stuck on that hamster wheel... it's mental masturbation with no release...
I sometimes wonder, what would happen if I decided to just be. I also wonder if that is a decision I am capable of... maybe I am hardwired for awkward. Maybe I am pre-programmed to stew in my head. Maybe I skipped the line when they were handing out interpersonal skills... Or maybe there's a way to (as some have suggested to me) 'just get over it'. I want to be over it. I want to be able to converse in real time the way I pound away at a keyboard... I want the bravery I pretend to have on here in real life... Even though I think this blog has helped me articulate myself and thus be a bit more honest with myself, I also think it has enabled me to continue to hide. Take this post for example, I have written countless different drafts of this same post over the last two weeks not knowing if I will actually publish any of them...because I am stuck in the vortex of awkwardity...yeah, it's so bad I have made up a word for it. Damn it I hate when I make these kinds of realizations...
This is a majority of the reason tough bitch has been around for so long. Tough bitch helps me to hide my awkwardness behind being loud and brash and acting as if I do not care. But there are times when even tough bitch can't hide me... I am sure it's quite the sight to witness me brooding....I know there are many people in my life who wish I could just get off this loop track of regretting before I ever do anything. I know I am not the only one who does this ... I have actually attempted to talk to others about it... but generally one or both of us is so awkward about it that we change the subject and the conversation goes a different way entirely...two people bumbling on that same arduous level is agonizing. I often envy those people who can be spontaneous... who can have a conversation or type out a text or an email like it's second nature, without having to bother to re-read, re-think or revise it 42 times, which is what I do a majority of the time...Like I said, I am not in that space ALL the time, just most of it, haha. The times that I am not wandering aimlessly amongst my mind's skeletons, I am sharp, I am keen, I am on point, and I am relatively content...what a shame those moments aren't my majority! Still working to find a balance on that front. It's a slow process, so for now, I guess all I can commit to is opening my mail on a more regular basis, we shall see how that goes.
ruminate-to chew again or over and over.
In composing this post, I thought it apt to look up the dictionary definitions to my blog title. Not that I didn't know what the words meant, but as the post was coming to me, I realized the humor in the words in relation to the proceeding ramblings... I think it's amusing that I chose to put these two words together, because I RARELY do both at once... when I ruminate on things (which as you may know if you've been around here much, is pretty much ALWAYS) I am generally doing so in avoidance of some visceral reaction that is bubbling up inside me. And believe me, I am the fucking QUEEN of avoidance. I spent last night opening my mail from the last two months... why? Because I avoid opening mail like the mother fucking plague and like most matches in the game of avoidance, I finally lost this week and was forced to remove my head from my ass and deal with some elements of real life. Yep, I have issues when it comes to some forms of adulthood; toss them into pile with commitment, responsibility, and communication.
What would I do if I didn't think incessantly?! Hahaha, and now, I will proceed to think about how I think about things too much, BRILLIANT!!!!! In some of the other forms of this post, I called out specific situations... and I was pretty fucking honest. And, as is usually the case, I was pretty fucking hard on myself... after all, if I'm not- who will be?! But then, I thought about other parties involved in said situations and worried about them becoming a casualty of my blog. I try wherever possible to not use names and specifics, and in this case, it just didn't seem feasible to disguise the situations well enough... not that the other parties have anything to hide, more that it really isn't my right to call the situations out in public form. And truthfully, a lot of the catharsis that comes from this blog lies dormant in those unpublished drafts... I get what I need from them- I get whatever IT is out of my head, and I move on... or I write it out, and then ruminate and come back to it later, sometimes many, many, times over... and at some point, I come to a place where I can publish some version of whatever lesson I have been pinging on.
What would I do if I didn't think incessantly?! Hahaha, and now, I will proceed to think about how I think about things too much, BRILLIANT!!!!! In some of the other forms of this post, I called out specific situations... and I was pretty fucking honest. And, as is usually the case, I was pretty fucking hard on myself... after all, if I'm not- who will be?! But then, I thought about other parties involved in said situations and worried about them becoming a casualty of my blog. I try wherever possible to not use names and specifics, and in this case, it just didn't seem feasible to disguise the situations well enough... not that the other parties have anything to hide, more that it really isn't my right to call the situations out in public form. And truthfully, a lot of the catharsis that comes from this blog lies dormant in those unpublished drafts... I get what I need from them- I get whatever IT is out of my head, and I move on... or I write it out, and then ruminate and come back to it later, sometimes many, many, times over... and at some point, I come to a place where I can publish some version of whatever lesson I have been pinging on.
I am a girl who spends a majority of the time in her head, over analyzing every. last. thing. Everything I say, everything I do, everything I think. The curse is two fold, it's obsessively over thinking any and everything, be it my job or my personal life, and then staying in my head about it until I am so paralyzed by fear (real or perceived) that I am unable to make any sense of it outside of my own head... and I hate that space. Some days are worse than others... some days I almost forget how awkward I am. Other days it seems completely inescapable. It's tiring... exhausting really, but ironically it's also the source of my intermittent insomnia. I worry myself sick over mostly dumb shit that is out of my control. Mine is a monkey mind that, when left unattended can be frightening and or dangerous. Not dangerous to others... mainly dangerous to me. I hate being stuck on that hamster wheel... it's mental masturbation with no release...
I sometimes wonder, what would happen if I decided to just be. I also wonder if that is a decision I am capable of... maybe I am hardwired for awkward. Maybe I am pre-programmed to stew in my head. Maybe I skipped the line when they were handing out interpersonal skills... Or maybe there's a way to (as some have suggested to me) 'just get over it'. I want to be over it. I want to be able to converse in real time the way I pound away at a keyboard... I want the bravery I pretend to have on here in real life... Even though I think this blog has helped me articulate myself and thus be a bit more honest with myself, I also think it has enabled me to continue to hide. Take this post for example, I have written countless different drafts of this same post over the last two weeks not knowing if I will actually publish any of them...because I am stuck in the vortex of awkwardity...yeah, it's so bad I have made up a word for it. Damn it I hate when I make these kinds of realizations...
This is a majority of the reason tough bitch has been around for so long. Tough bitch helps me to hide my awkwardness behind being loud and brash and acting as if I do not care. But there are times when even tough bitch can't hide me... I am sure it's quite the sight to witness me brooding....I know there are many people in my life who wish I could just get off this loop track of regretting before I ever do anything. I know I am not the only one who does this ... I have actually attempted to talk to others about it... but generally one or both of us is so awkward about it that we change the subject and the conversation goes a different way entirely...two people bumbling on that same arduous level is agonizing. I often envy those people who can be spontaneous... who can have a conversation or type out a text or an email like it's second nature, without having to bother to re-read, re-think or revise it 42 times, which is what I do a majority of the time...Like I said, I am not in that space ALL the time, just most of it, haha. The times that I am not wandering aimlessly amongst my mind's skeletons, I am sharp, I am keen, I am on point, and I am relatively content...what a shame those moments aren't my majority! Still working to find a balance on that front. It's a slow process, so for now, I guess all I can commit to is opening my mail on a more regular basis, we shall see how that goes.
Friday, September 7, 2012
Jameson 12 Year
So, generally I am not a fan of what comes with girl friendships- things like drama, deceit, arguments over nothing, caddy-ness, etc. That being said, I do have a hand full of super amazing women in my life. Some, I see and talk to on a regular basis, some not so regularly due to the time and distance constraints of life; but somehow I remain connected to said few. I love them all for different reasons- all of them teach me things about myself, many of them hold me accountable, love me when I am incapable of loving myself, and truly embody what I think true friendship is. Over the past couple of years, all of these women have been instrumental in helping me to work through much of what I write about on this blog, they know the details behind the posts, and- they love me in spite of my plentiful shortcomings and fuck-ups. They are a part of my journey of self discovery on an intensely deep level in their respective ways, they are the chicks in my soul tribe; and hopefully, I am some sort of similar support to them.
That being said... about a year and a half ago, I did a tandem post with fellow blogger Grateful Mamma entitled Jameson Items. The post was our attempt to commit to type a set of guidelines for what we should remember in looking for a partner. At the time of the post, we were both newly single and trying our damndest to do something different in that area of our lives. I will say, in the last year and a half I have referred back to that list countless times. But, for honesty's sake, I will also admit to ignoring it at times as well... I would venture to guess she would admit the same, and while some of the other girls in my life may not have a list committed to a public forum, I think most of us have one floating around in the back corners of our brains. In general, it is not fleshed out into words, but a general sense of what we want and how we want to be treated. The catch is that I think at various times in our lives we often ignore it for whatever shiny bright new boy (or girl) is in front of us.
As of late, this whole idea has surfaced in conversations with MANY of these said women. Some are going through break-ups, others are in happily committed relationships, and others are in relationships where the list has long since been tossed out the window. The conversations I have had in the last week continue to swing back to the same theme... Why do we do what we do? How is it that we can be completely confident and secure with what we want and what that will look and feel like, and then we start the slow process of whittling away that confidence until we are left with a shadow of what was there before? And how do we know when we have what we want VS when we are amending what we want for what is in front of us? I know many of you have been there before... maybe some of you are there now... maybe your reading this convincing yourself that you have never compromised...
Well, while I am not there in this present moment, I've been there, and for some reason, it seems like a lot of my girls are there right now. And it wrenches my gut with empathy... I hate that space, we all hate that space where it finally dawns on us that maybe, just maybe, we have been compromising ourselves, some of us for a really long time. And that point of realization FUCKING SUCKS, because with that one realization comes a ripple effect of others... what you thought you had is not really what you originally wanted, but what if what you wanted is not real... what if what you thought you wanted is unattainable...or is what you have good enough, or is it settling... how do you know if it's a forever thing... how do you keep going or how do you end it? OR how do you keep going if the other ends it?
These are all real thoughts that have at one time or another crossed my mind...and I know have crossed some of your minds too...And, while some may take me for a bitter, spiteful bitch...I am gunna reveal a big secret, (which most of you already know) at the heart of it, underneath my shield of brashness, I am a gigantic fucking softy, a hopeless romantic, and perhaps most shockingly, an eternal optimist... Plus, lets be honest, I have trial and erred my way through a lot of these scenarios in the last decade...
So, for what it's worth... after a year and a half, I would like to propose one little addendum to the Jameson Items list...
Before anything on that list can be obtained in another person, you HAVE TO get those things for yourself! If there are things about yourself that you want to work on- DO IT!!! Take what you have learned (or maybe past lessons you have ignored) and flesh that shit out! Now, don't go thinking I am high and mightily pointing a finger, because there are 10 pointed back at me, I know. I struggle with this shit all the time, but I have had countless conversations over the past few weeks with many of my girls, and I can safely say that we could ALL stand to hear this now and again, myself included. What I have come to realize is that the Jameson Items list is a reminder to me of who I need to be... that partnership thing is COMPLETELY secondary. There is no shopping for a partner, there is taking care of my shit so that there is a clear and open path for whatever to happen ORGANICALLY. The more I learn about myself, the more mental clutter I clear our of my mind, the more apt I am to make the kind of connections I am seeking...and it is all about the HUMAN connection... let that flow; label and categorize later!
I just want to say, I fucking love every last one of you. I love you for your strengths, I love you for your weaknesses (real or perceived), I love you for your victories and I love you for your failures, because we all have them. To those of you in happy, healthy relationships... thank you. You guys are the ones who keep my inner romantic alive and preaching to the rest of us, you show us that it is possible to find what we are looking for, whatever that may be for each of us. To those of you currently 'stuck' in some sort of cyclical deal with a significant other, aware of it, but confused and frustrated, and unable to make a change at the present moment- It's alright. Keep working toward it. Keep talking about, keep building the strength to do what you need to do for you, so long as you put the foot work into yourself, things will work out in whatever way they are supposed to. (Feel free to take a number and punch me later, it's okay, I can take it ;)
That being said... about a year and a half ago, I did a tandem post with fellow blogger Grateful Mamma entitled Jameson Items. The post was our attempt to commit to type a set of guidelines for what we should remember in looking for a partner. At the time of the post, we were both newly single and trying our damndest to do something different in that area of our lives. I will say, in the last year and a half I have referred back to that list countless times. But, for honesty's sake, I will also admit to ignoring it at times as well... I would venture to guess she would admit the same, and while some of the other girls in my life may not have a list committed to a public forum, I think most of us have one floating around in the back corners of our brains. In general, it is not fleshed out into words, but a general sense of what we want and how we want to be treated. The catch is that I think at various times in our lives we often ignore it for whatever shiny bright new boy (or girl) is in front of us.
As of late, this whole idea has surfaced in conversations with MANY of these said women. Some are going through break-ups, others are in happily committed relationships, and others are in relationships where the list has long since been tossed out the window. The conversations I have had in the last week continue to swing back to the same theme... Why do we do what we do? How is it that we can be completely confident and secure with what we want and what that will look and feel like, and then we start the slow process of whittling away that confidence until we are left with a shadow of what was there before? And how do we know when we have what we want VS when we are amending what we want for what is in front of us? I know many of you have been there before... maybe some of you are there now... maybe your reading this convincing yourself that you have never compromised...
Well, while I am not there in this present moment, I've been there, and for some reason, it seems like a lot of my girls are there right now. And it wrenches my gut with empathy... I hate that space, we all hate that space where it finally dawns on us that maybe, just maybe, we have been compromising ourselves, some of us for a really long time. And that point of realization FUCKING SUCKS, because with that one realization comes a ripple effect of others... what you thought you had is not really what you originally wanted, but what if what you wanted is not real... what if what you thought you wanted is unattainable...or is what you have good enough, or is it settling... how do you know if it's a forever thing... how do you keep going or how do you end it? OR how do you keep going if the other ends it?
These are all real thoughts that have at one time or another crossed my mind...and I know have crossed some of your minds too...And, while some may take me for a bitter, spiteful bitch...I am gunna reveal a big secret, (which most of you already know) at the heart of it, underneath my shield of brashness, I am a gigantic fucking softy, a hopeless romantic, and perhaps most shockingly, an eternal optimist... Plus, lets be honest, I have trial and erred my way through a lot of these scenarios in the last decade...
So, for what it's worth... after a year and a half, I would like to propose one little addendum to the Jameson Items list...
Before anything on that list can be obtained in another person, you HAVE TO get those things for yourself! If there are things about yourself that you want to work on- DO IT!!! Take what you have learned (or maybe past lessons you have ignored) and flesh that shit out! Now, don't go thinking I am high and mightily pointing a finger, because there are 10 pointed back at me, I know. I struggle with this shit all the time, but I have had countless conversations over the past few weeks with many of my girls, and I can safely say that we could ALL stand to hear this now and again, myself included. What I have come to realize is that the Jameson Items list is a reminder to me of who I need to be... that partnership thing is COMPLETELY secondary. There is no shopping for a partner, there is taking care of my shit so that there is a clear and open path for whatever to happen ORGANICALLY. The more I learn about myself, the more mental clutter I clear our of my mind, the more apt I am to make the kind of connections I am seeking...and it is all about the HUMAN connection... let that flow; label and categorize later!
I just want to say, I fucking love every last one of you. I love you for your strengths, I love you for your weaknesses (real or perceived), I love you for your victories and I love you for your failures, because we all have them. To those of you in happy, healthy relationships... thank you. You guys are the ones who keep my inner romantic alive and preaching to the rest of us, you show us that it is possible to find what we are looking for, whatever that may be for each of us. To those of you currently 'stuck' in some sort of cyclical deal with a significant other, aware of it, but confused and frustrated, and unable to make a change at the present moment- It's alright. Keep working toward it. Keep talking about, keep building the strength to do what you need to do for you, so long as you put the foot work into yourself, things will work out in whatever way they are supposed to. (Feel free to take a number and punch me later, it's okay, I can take it ;)
Friday, August 31, 2012
Transcendence through Triangulation
Transcendent- beyond consciousness or direct apprehension; free from the limitations inherent in the matter. Its more about traversing the mental terrain of self and less about evolving; life that is. I used to be obsessed with evolving, now my mental onion has peeled off another layer to reveal that evolving is not as simple a process as 'gradual development'. There are a few ingredients needed in order for that development to take place, and transcendence is one of those key ingredients...in order to evolve to a higher level of consciousness one must first transcend the present level of consciousness...
Sounds pretty good in word form. It is actually pretty tough in practice, a process of getting out of your conscious self's way... for the monkey brained, over stimulated, always pinging race that humans are in today's world it is damned near impossible. I was recently reminded of a concept that came to light for me a few years back..the idea of triangulation. Triangulation asserts that the answer to some questions (actually, in my opinion, most of life's conundrums) is not either, or, but both, and. Picture an equilateral triangle... the solutions of A or B are the two at the base... connected by a straight line. After going back and forth between solution A and solution B for a while, and feeling so completely confused... like A is no better than B, so how could I choose either... consider getting to the midpoint and looking up for an alternative solution that seems to encompass both A&B thus creating a third solution in C, or the point to the triangle. That third solution is the essence of transcendence; but it aint easy, which is why we so rarely look for it... although, if, in the the long run, we could stop for a moment and remove ourselves from the tail chasing process of looking at A or B, we would see that C is not necessarily more difficult- just different. Like rubbing your belly and patting your head at the same time... and then switching directions.
I know, I am so fucking prolific! Hahahahahaha!!!! Not really. Because I have had this concept in my brain for sometime now, and it is STILL the absolute last resort for me. In fact, in most cases, I have to be reminded of this option...
Recently someone, ok, ok, MANY people close to me have pointed out that I have been angrier than usual. And, I have been looking at it, but have not been able to get to the heart of why. Every time I try to go back in time and look at it, I come up with some superficial root cause. Then I put a band-aide on that and carry on. And then a week or a month or a year later, the topic comes up again. Someone else puts the subject out in front of me and I am forced to look again... what the fuck is it? Why does this keep coming up? And ya know what, once that triangular solution came to me, I was relieved... well, relieved and pissed. Because that third angle was so fucking obvious that I had long since given up on it, I had checked it off as having been dealt with. After all, it was so infantile. Literally... it goes back to birth. And let me tell you, I have TRUCK LOADS of self judgement about it- which is why I had avoided it as an option in the first place.
But I have had a couple of weeks for this information to set in... And I can say with confidence that it is FOR SURE the wire I have been tripping over for years now... it's what I have many times over explained as the solution I know is right in front of me, but that I cannot quite discern or touch. It's why I am constantly having an inner battle... I have been fighting my whole life between feeling not good enough and too good. And it is the MOTHER LOAD of self sabotage. It has little to do with how any one person has made me feel, because I have spent a lifetime trying to circumvent actually feeling this in real time. What a crazy fucking juxtaposition. When I feel I am not good enough, I act as though I am TOO good, when I feel I am too good, I act like a fucking jackass, no wonder so few people actually know me for who I am. And let me be clear, when I say too good, I don't mean, oh I am better than anyone... I mean holding myself to this insane standard... like not being able to show weakness or vulnerability because I should know better. Like needing desperately to reach out, but not allowing myself to ask for support because I 'should' be able to handle it... and the not good enough side comes in on the heals of those thoughts and says I am a weak fuck anyway for struggling in the first place.
In order to get to point C in this pickle I am going to have to get to a point where I can recognize that I am not either or, but both AND. First, I have to remove the judgement from being either or; then I can embrace that both are totally alright which, will in turn crumble that anger veil I have been wearing in defense of myself.
I find myself increasingly exhausted by keeping up this game of tag with myself. All I want is to let go, but the very essence of letting go scares me into continuing on in this game of self charades. Sometimes all I want is for someone to hold me while I have a really good, gut wrenching cry... but A and B prevent that from happening. C says that is exactly what needs to happen, let go and embrace it at once.... So complex and yet so simple. Ugh, trudge onward lovely, stay as open minded as possible, love yourself as much as you can, even when it seems completely impossible, it is not. Contrary to my confusing inner dialogue, the world will not stop if I breakdown... the good news in all of this is that I am not nearly as important as I think I am... and my own perceived insignificance is not nearly as out in front of the world as I think it is. Transcendence is near....
Sounds pretty good in word form. It is actually pretty tough in practice, a process of getting out of your conscious self's way... for the monkey brained, over stimulated, always pinging race that humans are in today's world it is damned near impossible. I was recently reminded of a concept that came to light for me a few years back..the idea of triangulation. Triangulation asserts that the answer to some questions (actually, in my opinion, most of life's conundrums) is not either, or, but both, and. Picture an equilateral triangle... the solutions of A or B are the two at the base... connected by a straight line. After going back and forth between solution A and solution B for a while, and feeling so completely confused... like A is no better than B, so how could I choose either... consider getting to the midpoint and looking up for an alternative solution that seems to encompass both A&B thus creating a third solution in C, or the point to the triangle. That third solution is the essence of transcendence; but it aint easy, which is why we so rarely look for it... although, if, in the the long run, we could stop for a moment and remove ourselves from the tail chasing process of looking at A or B, we would see that C is not necessarily more difficult- just different. Like rubbing your belly and patting your head at the same time... and then switching directions.
I know, I am so fucking prolific! Hahahahahaha!!!! Not really. Because I have had this concept in my brain for sometime now, and it is STILL the absolute last resort for me. In fact, in most cases, I have to be reminded of this option...
Recently someone, ok, ok, MANY people close to me have pointed out that I have been angrier than usual. And, I have been looking at it, but have not been able to get to the heart of why. Every time I try to go back in time and look at it, I come up with some superficial root cause. Then I put a band-aide on that and carry on. And then a week or a month or a year later, the topic comes up again. Someone else puts the subject out in front of me and I am forced to look again... what the fuck is it? Why does this keep coming up? And ya know what, once that triangular solution came to me, I was relieved... well, relieved and pissed. Because that third angle was so fucking obvious that I had long since given up on it, I had checked it off as having been dealt with. After all, it was so infantile. Literally... it goes back to birth. And let me tell you, I have TRUCK LOADS of self judgement about it- which is why I had avoided it as an option in the first place.
But I have had a couple of weeks for this information to set in... And I can say with confidence that it is FOR SURE the wire I have been tripping over for years now... it's what I have many times over explained as the solution I know is right in front of me, but that I cannot quite discern or touch. It's why I am constantly having an inner battle... I have been fighting my whole life between feeling not good enough and too good. And it is the MOTHER LOAD of self sabotage. It has little to do with how any one person has made me feel, because I have spent a lifetime trying to circumvent actually feeling this in real time. What a crazy fucking juxtaposition. When I feel I am not good enough, I act as though I am TOO good, when I feel I am too good, I act like a fucking jackass, no wonder so few people actually know me for who I am. And let me be clear, when I say too good, I don't mean, oh I am better than anyone... I mean holding myself to this insane standard... like not being able to show weakness or vulnerability because I should know better. Like needing desperately to reach out, but not allowing myself to ask for support because I 'should' be able to handle it... and the not good enough side comes in on the heals of those thoughts and says I am a weak fuck anyway for struggling in the first place.
In order to get to point C in this pickle I am going to have to get to a point where I can recognize that I am not either or, but both AND. First, I have to remove the judgement from being either or; then I can embrace that both are totally alright which, will in turn crumble that anger veil I have been wearing in defense of myself.
I find myself increasingly exhausted by keeping up this game of tag with myself. All I want is to let go, but the very essence of letting go scares me into continuing on in this game of self charades. Sometimes all I want is for someone to hold me while I have a really good, gut wrenching cry... but A and B prevent that from happening. C says that is exactly what needs to happen, let go and embrace it at once.... So complex and yet so simple. Ugh, trudge onward lovely, stay as open minded as possible, love yourself as much as you can, even when it seems completely impossible, it is not. Contrary to my confusing inner dialogue, the world will not stop if I breakdown... the good news in all of this is that I am not nearly as important as I think I am... and my own perceived insignificance is not nearly as out in front of the world as I think it is. Transcendence is near....
Monday, July 30, 2012
PYT
So earlier today I re-posted a few entries from last year, which you can read here if you are so inclined. And as promised, I am posting to thread three of those posts together with where I am now, mainly because I lost footing on some of those concepts for a bit so I think it is important that I own up to that- for myself. I had a long talk with some of my soul tribe members this weekend, and they did a pretty good job of making me realize that it was time for a reality check. I posted about the beginning of that reality check a few weeks back- but now it's time to practice what I preach...
More often then not, I find myself in the position of cheer leading people - comforting people who hurt, encouraging people who struggle, empowering those who are disenchanted... And, as has been pointed out to me many times before, I spit some good game; unfortunately, I have a REALLY hard time taking my own advice. I cannot tell you how often I tell someone how amazing they are- how many times I have reminded someone to keep their head up and continue on. Love yourself, and things will fall into place. And lets get one thing straight, I am more than happy to listen, converse and cheer lead those in my life, in my opinion, that is what friends do for one another. The issue at hand is that I will not open myself up for the remotest inkling of reciprocation.
I believe that we all have tough times, shitty days, unfortunate circumstances. I also believe that the only way for others to get through it is to lean on people. Humans are community creatures. Humans need interaction with other humans to nurture their souls and expand their minds, or at it's most animalistic level- humans need other humans for survival. It's pretty fucking basic. And I understand the concept- but like all the other niceties I afford others, I cannot wrap my mind around these concepts when it comes to myself. And most of the time, I don't even know it. I have had conversations with people that I need to have with myself literally HUNDREDS of times in the last six months. And it's not that I don't have people to talk to myself, because I do. There are a handful of people on this planet who really and truly know me, who really and truly love me, no matter how hard or often I bang my head against my own wonderwall. But some how, I sink into this pattern of avoidance. Like a man who drives around lost and pissed off and refuses to ask for directions. It would be so simple to stop at the petrol station and ask the clerk for help, but instead I go into avoid, avoid, avoid mode.
I know that avoidance gets me no where, if anything it gets me more lost and even more frustrated. But, for some reason, when the CD of my inner dialogue starts skipping, I convince myself that it is a remix as opposed to reaching out and skipping to the next song. So I listen to the same fucked up track, on repeat, for days or weeks, or in this present case, months. The more I listen, the more dazed and confused I become, and the less likely it seems that the track will ever end. It's a vicious, torturous, cycle. It's masochism on it's most simplistic level. And then, at some point, something snaps me out of it- a person or situation usually- and the reality check is never fun. It's never easy. It's exhausting, and it hurts, and I am forced to feast on that old, familiar dish I love to hate, humble pie.
A year and a half ago, I wrote about my go to persona, whom I dubbed tough bitch. (Persona is a Jungian concept, read about it here if your interested.) Anyway, at the time I was sincerely focused on growth and in a highly introspective point in my life... for maybe the first time in my life I was aware of how that face that I present to the world was no longer serving my best interest. I told myself that things were going to change, that I was going to stop presenting myself as this tough chick who didn't give a fuck and start trying to let more of the world know who I really am, at least on some level. And, it went alright for a while, I made other discoveries- like realizing I had constructed a wonderwall to go along with tough bitch. I knew that peeling away all those fortess like layers was going to take some time and effort, and I was committed to deconstructing it. And then... and then a series of seemingly little events started cascading into my life. Things that tough bitch was better at dealing with. So I let her come back. and before I knew it, she had taken up residency in my brain again.
Everybody has their schtick in life. Some people are the comedians, you know the type, every single thing is a joke to them, they deal with everything through humor. Some people are the victims, they wallow in all the traumatic shit that has happened to them and they wait around for someone to rescue them. My schtick has always been tough bitch. I don't give a fuck, I'm a bitch, I'm intimidating, I never let anyone close to me... you get the picture. Thing is, I'm not. I do give a fuck. the intimidation and the bitchiness stuff are all a part of the act. And as a result, no one does get close to me, because I have set it up that way for most of my life. I am a firm believer that you teach people how to treat you... if you do not think you are being treated fairly, look at your interactions with said party and assess. I have taught people to leave me alone. I have taught people that there is no need to worry about my feelings, because I have led them to believe I have none. And no, I am not completely alone. As I stated earlier, there are maybe 5 people that know tough bitch isn't really me. They are the ones that see me cry. They are the ones that I allow myself to occasionally be vulnerable around. So, if I can do it with them I should be able to do it with everyone, right? Wrong.
Nope. As committed as I was year and a half ago to working on letting go of all those useless defense mechanisms, I have not. And, as a result, it has gotten worse, it has seeped into most every area of my life. It was pointed out to me recently that the way I have been talking about myself is almost annoyingly negative. It was even suggested that I try reciting positive affirmations everyday in an effort to reverse my inner dialogue. At first, I scoffed. I thought that those critiques were completely unfounded, until I started catching myself refer to myself as an idiot, or a dumbass, or a retard, fucktard, stupid bitch... And, I have to say, after I became aware of it, it was pretty fucking ridiculous. The thought of reciting positive affirmations made my skin crawl, and let's be honest- trying to change the habits and thinking I have had for most of my life is no small feat! So, baby steps it is. Now every time I catch myself about to let a self deprecating comment pass my lips, I change it to Pretty Young Thing. If that sounds silly to you, imagine what it sounds like to me. But now that I am aware of just how long I have been back sliding, desperate times call for desperate measures. I will never teach someone to treat me the way I truly want to be treated if I don't treat myself that way.
It's a tough spot to be in, I know what I want, I know exactly what I have to do to get it, but it's the how that fucks me every time. I am sitting here, alone and frustrated with no one to blame but myself, because just like always, I set it up that way. Sometimes, the lesson isn't learned until the it's been presented multiple times by numerous teachers; and I will figure this out, I know. But damn it, it sure fucking hurts in the mean time! I have to keep reminding myself, there is no growth without pain, this too will pass, Holly. The best advice I have ever been given applies so well here- When going through hell- KEEP GOING!
More often then not, I find myself in the position of cheer leading people - comforting people who hurt, encouraging people who struggle, empowering those who are disenchanted... And, as has been pointed out to me many times before, I spit some good game; unfortunately, I have a REALLY hard time taking my own advice. I cannot tell you how often I tell someone how amazing they are- how many times I have reminded someone to keep their head up and continue on. Love yourself, and things will fall into place. And lets get one thing straight, I am more than happy to listen, converse and cheer lead those in my life, in my opinion, that is what friends do for one another. The issue at hand is that I will not open myself up for the remotest inkling of reciprocation.
I believe that we all have tough times, shitty days, unfortunate circumstances. I also believe that the only way for others to get through it is to lean on people. Humans are community creatures. Humans need interaction with other humans to nurture their souls and expand their minds, or at it's most animalistic level- humans need other humans for survival. It's pretty fucking basic. And I understand the concept- but like all the other niceties I afford others, I cannot wrap my mind around these concepts when it comes to myself. And most of the time, I don't even know it. I have had conversations with people that I need to have with myself literally HUNDREDS of times in the last six months. And it's not that I don't have people to talk to myself, because I do. There are a handful of people on this planet who really and truly know me, who really and truly love me, no matter how hard or often I bang my head against my own wonderwall. But some how, I sink into this pattern of avoidance. Like a man who drives around lost and pissed off and refuses to ask for directions. It would be so simple to stop at the petrol station and ask the clerk for help, but instead I go into avoid, avoid, avoid mode.
I know that avoidance gets me no where, if anything it gets me more lost and even more frustrated. But, for some reason, when the CD of my inner dialogue starts skipping, I convince myself that it is a remix as opposed to reaching out and skipping to the next song. So I listen to the same fucked up track, on repeat, for days or weeks, or in this present case, months. The more I listen, the more dazed and confused I become, and the less likely it seems that the track will ever end. It's a vicious, torturous, cycle. It's masochism on it's most simplistic level. And then, at some point, something snaps me out of it- a person or situation usually- and the reality check is never fun. It's never easy. It's exhausting, and it hurts, and I am forced to feast on that old, familiar dish I love to hate, humble pie.
A year and a half ago, I wrote about my go to persona, whom I dubbed tough bitch. (Persona is a Jungian concept, read about it here if your interested.) Anyway, at the time I was sincerely focused on growth and in a highly introspective point in my life... for maybe the first time in my life I was aware of how that face that I present to the world was no longer serving my best interest. I told myself that things were going to change, that I was going to stop presenting myself as this tough chick who didn't give a fuck and start trying to let more of the world know who I really am, at least on some level. And, it went alright for a while, I made other discoveries- like realizing I had constructed a wonderwall to go along with tough bitch. I knew that peeling away all those fortess like layers was going to take some time and effort, and I was committed to deconstructing it. And then... and then a series of seemingly little events started cascading into my life. Things that tough bitch was better at dealing with. So I let her come back. and before I knew it, she had taken up residency in my brain again.
Everybody has their schtick in life. Some people are the comedians, you know the type, every single thing is a joke to them, they deal with everything through humor. Some people are the victims, they wallow in all the traumatic shit that has happened to them and they wait around for someone to rescue them. My schtick has always been tough bitch. I don't give a fuck, I'm a bitch, I'm intimidating, I never let anyone close to me... you get the picture. Thing is, I'm not. I do give a fuck. the intimidation and the bitchiness stuff are all a part of the act. And as a result, no one does get close to me, because I have set it up that way for most of my life. I am a firm believer that you teach people how to treat you... if you do not think you are being treated fairly, look at your interactions with said party and assess. I have taught people to leave me alone. I have taught people that there is no need to worry about my feelings, because I have led them to believe I have none. And no, I am not completely alone. As I stated earlier, there are maybe 5 people that know tough bitch isn't really me. They are the ones that see me cry. They are the ones that I allow myself to occasionally be vulnerable around. So, if I can do it with them I should be able to do it with everyone, right? Wrong.
Nope. As committed as I was year and a half ago to working on letting go of all those useless defense mechanisms, I have not. And, as a result, it has gotten worse, it has seeped into most every area of my life. It was pointed out to me recently that the way I have been talking about myself is almost annoyingly negative. It was even suggested that I try reciting positive affirmations everyday in an effort to reverse my inner dialogue. At first, I scoffed. I thought that those critiques were completely unfounded, until I started catching myself refer to myself as an idiot, or a dumbass, or a retard, fucktard, stupid bitch... And, I have to say, after I became aware of it, it was pretty fucking ridiculous. The thought of reciting positive affirmations made my skin crawl, and let's be honest- trying to change the habits and thinking I have had for most of my life is no small feat! So, baby steps it is. Now every time I catch myself about to let a self deprecating comment pass my lips, I change it to Pretty Young Thing. If that sounds silly to you, imagine what it sounds like to me. But now that I am aware of just how long I have been back sliding, desperate times call for desperate measures. I will never teach someone to treat me the way I truly want to be treated if I don't treat myself that way.
It's a tough spot to be in, I know what I want, I know exactly what I have to do to get it, but it's the how that fucks me every time. I am sitting here, alone and frustrated with no one to blame but myself, because just like always, I set it up that way. Sometimes, the lesson isn't learned until the it's been presented multiple times by numerous teachers; and I will figure this out, I know. But damn it, it sure fucking hurts in the mean time! I have to keep reminding myself, there is no growth without pain, this too will pass, Holly. The best advice I have ever been given applies so well here- When going through hell- KEEP GOING!
Life Support
I originally posted this in April of
2011, re-posting as a reminder to myself that life is indeed cyclical.
I would be remiss not to link the posts about Tough Bitch and my Wonderwall
here as well. Later today, I hope to upload a post about the
connection between the three and where I am at with them a year and half
out. I have never claimed to be perfect, but in the interest of the
original intent of this blog, I must be transparent, even if only to
myself! I have to sometimes remind myself that being human doesn't
necessarily make me a hypocrite- and that sometimes it takes me many,
many tries before certain life lessons actually sink in. In the mean
time, none of us are perfect, but we are all Pretty Young Things :)
All my life I have prided myself on being dynamic, ever evolving, trying to grow at every opportunity etc. But recently, I realized that the growth I pride myself on happens in spurts as opposed to the continuous flow I had once thought I maintained. So, that got me thinking-what is it that allows my growth to wax and wane? What is it that makes some people in this world great and others to be content with good enough?
The answers to those questions have been revealing themselves to my consciousness lately... Not that the answers were not there all along, more that I am finally coming to a spot where I can be consciously aware of them. The disruption in the flow of growth, as well as what allows some to settle for 'good enough' comes from within- Now, I am not saying that anyone (including myself) has that kind of inner dialogue- like "well, it seems as though we have made great strides, so lets just take a break" Nor am I saying that any of us really know that we are settling for good enough when we do. But growth is an extremely tricky, slippery slope; and sometimes it is easy to lose ourselves in that singular moment of patting ourselves on the back for a job well done. Then, before ya know it you have 'settled down and settled in' for the next 6 months, year, maybe even decade.
That shift in focus for me, usually comes from and outside source that I allow myself to be distracted with (Oh look! Something shiny!!!) And without even realizing it, I have derailed my growth attempts in favor of the newest favorite thing in my life. This business of growth is more of a discipline than a process. It takes time, diligence, practice and perseverance, it really is no wonder that we end up taking breaks from it... it is tough stuff!!! The problem with breaks is that (at least for me) they never end up being 15 minutes, or even an evening...they turn in to that settle period without my even noticing.
Once the settling has begun, it overtakes most areas of life, and the backslide down the slippery slope begins. It's not a landslide pace, it's slow, centimeters a month so to speak... at this pace it is very tough to even realize one is in backwards motion, and so the backslide continues on down the slope. Now, we are not only not growing, but we are also slowly slipping into old habits, patterns and familiarities. Things that we had previously grown out of or evolved from are now beginning to re-appear in our lives, and they fit like a tailored suit, so we do not notice, because for the most part we are 'content', and when we are content there seems no reason to change... if it ain't broke don't fix it right? But what happens if it is broken, and we have merely convinced ourselves of a new reality of 'broken'?
I learned recently that growth comes out of the proper mix of challenge and support... If we are not challenged in life, we see no reason to reach forward and upward... why would we when where we are seems good enough? But, without the proper amount of support to those challenges we will feel defeated, deflated and frustrated, and consequently we will quit trying to grow. Makes sense really, and, I think this hypothesis further answers my two original questions. In order to remember that I am trying to reach the bar in front of me, the one that remains just millimeters from my grasp, I need to surround myself with people who are also trying to reach for their own bars. We will share similar struggles and victories on our own respective quests for growth and greatness, and that dialogue will allow me to stay focused on my bar. I think that it is this process that leads some out of 'good enough' to greatness...whatever that may mean for each of us.
The key, as it always seems to come back round to, is awareness. Awareness of self and the processes that are happening in the mind on the moment to moment basis, awareness of others...do those that I surround myself with share similar goals of yearning for their own personal growth and greatness? Because, if not, this can certainly derail my process, and I have no more time to wane... so, on this day I re-affirm my will to do as much as I possibly can to stay conscious of my own process as well as my surroundings... I want to support those who support me. That being said, I cannot support those who cannot on some level support their own growth because they will never be able to support me. That slippery slope of growth becomes deep water to tread when others around us are drowning... and the only thing that drowning victim can do in their moments of despair is try everything to take you down with them... I was a life guard long enough... I think it is time to focus on my own bar.
All my life I have prided myself on being dynamic, ever evolving, trying to grow at every opportunity etc. But recently, I realized that the growth I pride myself on happens in spurts as opposed to the continuous flow I had once thought I maintained. So, that got me thinking-what is it that allows my growth to wax and wane? What is it that makes some people in this world great and others to be content with good enough?
The answers to those questions have been revealing themselves to my consciousness lately... Not that the answers were not there all along, more that I am finally coming to a spot where I can be consciously aware of them. The disruption in the flow of growth, as well as what allows some to settle for 'good enough' comes from within- Now, I am not saying that anyone (including myself) has that kind of inner dialogue- like "well, it seems as though we have made great strides, so lets just take a break" Nor am I saying that any of us really know that we are settling for good enough when we do. But growth is an extremely tricky, slippery slope; and sometimes it is easy to lose ourselves in that singular moment of patting ourselves on the back for a job well done. Then, before ya know it you have 'settled down and settled in' for the next 6 months, year, maybe even decade.
That shift in focus for me, usually comes from and outside source that I allow myself to be distracted with (Oh look! Something shiny!!!) And without even realizing it, I have derailed my growth attempts in favor of the newest favorite thing in my life. This business of growth is more of a discipline than a process. It takes time, diligence, practice and perseverance, it really is no wonder that we end up taking breaks from it... it is tough stuff!!! The problem with breaks is that (at least for me) they never end up being 15 minutes, or even an evening...they turn in to that settle period without my even noticing.
Once the settling has begun, it overtakes most areas of life, and the backslide down the slippery slope begins. It's not a landslide pace, it's slow, centimeters a month so to speak... at this pace it is very tough to even realize one is in backwards motion, and so the backslide continues on down the slope. Now, we are not only not growing, but we are also slowly slipping into old habits, patterns and familiarities. Things that we had previously grown out of or evolved from are now beginning to re-appear in our lives, and they fit like a tailored suit, so we do not notice, because for the most part we are 'content', and when we are content there seems no reason to change... if it ain't broke don't fix it right? But what happens if it is broken, and we have merely convinced ourselves of a new reality of 'broken'?
I learned recently that growth comes out of the proper mix of challenge and support... If we are not challenged in life, we see no reason to reach forward and upward... why would we when where we are seems good enough? But, without the proper amount of support to those challenges we will feel defeated, deflated and frustrated, and consequently we will quit trying to grow. Makes sense really, and, I think this hypothesis further answers my two original questions. In order to remember that I am trying to reach the bar in front of me, the one that remains just millimeters from my grasp, I need to surround myself with people who are also trying to reach for their own bars. We will share similar struggles and victories on our own respective quests for growth and greatness, and that dialogue will allow me to stay focused on my bar. I think that it is this process that leads some out of 'good enough' to greatness...whatever that may mean for each of us.
The key, as it always seems to come back round to, is awareness. Awareness of self and the processes that are happening in the mind on the moment to moment basis, awareness of others...do those that I surround myself with share similar goals of yearning for their own personal growth and greatness? Because, if not, this can certainly derail my process, and I have no more time to wane... so, on this day I re-affirm my will to do as much as I possibly can to stay conscious of my own process as well as my surroundings... I want to support those who support me. That being said, I cannot support those who cannot on some level support their own growth because they will never be able to support me. That slippery slope of growth becomes deep water to tread when others around us are drowning... and the only thing that drowning victim can do in their moments of despair is try everything to take you down with them... I was a life guard long enough... I think it is time to focus on my own bar.
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Shutter Speed
I read a blog post recently about a photographer's 'un-pinteresting' life. She talked about how online personalities have created a sort of unattainable bar in life- like the internet gives people a chance to present whatever 'self' they want the rest of the world to see... It made me think about the digitization of our society and culture, and how much that has changed in the last decade or so. As the daughter of an 'oldschool' photographer... the kind who processed his own photography in the darkroom in the basement... it is a little surreal to see what can be done with images digitally now- granted, some of it is breath taking and beautiful, and I know some digital photographers who are truly artists, in that they have an eye and can capture things in ways others of us couldn't...but using a filter doesn't make you an artist, it doesn't make you a photographer. And it's not just photography... it's music...design... it's the human experience..all sorts of things. It's misrepresentation is what it is.
I look around at the blogging, facebooking, instagramming, pinteresting crowd that is mine and the next generation and don't really know what to think... is the digitization of our society watering our lives down to an e-card quote? We have the ability now to share more of ourselves and our lives then ever before... but instead of deep connection or meaningful conversation we are presented with perfect family photos that cover up train wreck lives...or dead careers... or broken hearts... or bullied kids. Truth is, I don't believe it. I KNOW we all have some beautiful disaster in us... and yes, whether the internet or facebook or google agree or not, there is beauty in everybody's disasters. It sometimes seems like the last of human realism is on the cutting room floor... photo shopped out for the most marketable, rock star angle. And then what?!
I think I have stated pretty clearly before- I am not immune, I certainly pick what to share and who knows what about me just like the next guy, to an extent. I am fairly up front and honest in my posts on here, but I also don't publish every post... I have dozens of drafts that I write only for myself. I regularly struggle with what is and is not OK to post... I am not advocating that we all put everything about ourselves out on front street for everyone to see... In all honesty, I live a pretty un-pinteresting life as well... and I am really good with that. It seems far too exhausting to try to be at the right places with the right faces at the right times.
What would happen if we were all slightly more honest about the un-pinteresting sides of ourselves? What would that look like?
Sometimes my house is a catastrophe... sometimes my brain is a minefield... 9 times out of 10, I don't wear pants when I am at home. I avoid folding laundry like the plague. I open my mail only when I absolutely HAVE to. I love shitty Chinese food. I try on 80% of my wardrobe (nearly everyday, and sometimes twice a day) trying to find something I am willing to leave the house in. I will NOT leave the house without makeup. I regularly let my pride and ego keep me from things I want or need to do. I assume I am being judged and scrutinized at all times. I say I don't care, but I do. I feel inadequate in many areas of my life, a lot of the time... I front like a hard ass, but cry like a bitch sometimes. And the comfort I have in all of that is that I know ALL of you feel some of the same things, a lot of the time. But then we wrap it all up, run it through a filter, and post it on facebook, and all of the realism gets lost in translation.
I want to go back to processing my own life film. I want to loosen my grip on 'who I should be by now'.. I want to appreciate the art that is my life, and the lives of the people around me. I want to stop chasing every fucking shiny thing I come across because mine is the generation of instant gratification. I want to get back to living authentically. More often than not, my head is the container that keeps my self loathing from spilling out into the world, and it is time to stop doing the self deprecation dance.
My BFAM graduated from college today, and I am SO unbelievably proud of him! He has grown so immensely in the last two years, that words cannot do it justice. The commencement speaker gave a really compelling speech about how the most successful people are those who are not afraid to fail, a lot. That speech and a big brother talk I had recently, have got me thinking about some things I have been trying to hide from lately- all of which are driven by my crippling fear of failure. From far too much past experience, I know that I am always the root cause of my own self destruction... thankfully, I have people in my life who will not hesitate to kick my ass- I need that, seriously. I occasionally lose focus, I often lose interest, but I usually come back around.
I am ready to fail, a lot... at the end of every failure, is the next opportunity for success, and I am the only person with the power to manifest that in my life. It's as if every now and then, I hit pause on my life- why? Who the fuck knows?! I think sometimes everyone needs a break, sometimes it seems like using a filter is easier than manually focusing. But mind clutter cannot be photo-shopped out. That shit has to be processed in the dark room, and the end results will always be a surprise. It's the processing that is beautiful, if we take the time to allow things to develop...
One of my all time favorite song lyrics comes from Ani Difranco "It took me too long to realize that I don't take good pictures because I have the kind of beauty that moves." I love that line, I have no idea why it is so hard for me to apply it in my life... oh well, it's a process right? Maybe it's time to lengthen my exposure and adjust my shutter speed...
I love you BFAM, thanks for the reminders, the inspiration, and the patience. You should be so fucking proud of yourself, your the kind of big brother I am proud to look up to and I couldn't have hand picked a better big brother if I wanted to :)
I look around at the blogging, facebooking, instagramming, pinteresting crowd that is mine and the next generation and don't really know what to think... is the digitization of our society watering our lives down to an e-card quote? We have the ability now to share more of ourselves and our lives then ever before... but instead of deep connection or meaningful conversation we are presented with perfect family photos that cover up train wreck lives...or dead careers... or broken hearts... or bullied kids. Truth is, I don't believe it. I KNOW we all have some beautiful disaster in us... and yes, whether the internet or facebook or google agree or not, there is beauty in everybody's disasters. It sometimes seems like the last of human realism is on the cutting room floor... photo shopped out for the most marketable, rock star angle. And then what?!
I think I have stated pretty clearly before- I am not immune, I certainly pick what to share and who knows what about me just like the next guy, to an extent. I am fairly up front and honest in my posts on here, but I also don't publish every post... I have dozens of drafts that I write only for myself. I regularly struggle with what is and is not OK to post... I am not advocating that we all put everything about ourselves out on front street for everyone to see... In all honesty, I live a pretty un-pinteresting life as well... and I am really good with that. It seems far too exhausting to try to be at the right places with the right faces at the right times.
What would happen if we were all slightly more honest about the un-pinteresting sides of ourselves? What would that look like?
Sometimes my house is a catastrophe... sometimes my brain is a minefield... 9 times out of 10, I don't wear pants when I am at home. I avoid folding laundry like the plague. I open my mail only when I absolutely HAVE to. I love shitty Chinese food. I try on 80% of my wardrobe (nearly everyday, and sometimes twice a day) trying to find something I am willing to leave the house in. I will NOT leave the house without makeup. I regularly let my pride and ego keep me from things I want or need to do. I assume I am being judged and scrutinized at all times. I say I don't care, but I do. I feel inadequate in many areas of my life, a lot of the time... I front like a hard ass, but cry like a bitch sometimes. And the comfort I have in all of that is that I know ALL of you feel some of the same things, a lot of the time. But then we wrap it all up, run it through a filter, and post it on facebook, and all of the realism gets lost in translation.
I want to go back to processing my own life film. I want to loosen my grip on 'who I should be by now'.. I want to appreciate the art that is my life, and the lives of the people around me. I want to stop chasing every fucking shiny thing I come across because mine is the generation of instant gratification. I want to get back to living authentically. More often than not, my head is the container that keeps my self loathing from spilling out into the world, and it is time to stop doing the self deprecation dance.
My BFAM graduated from college today, and I am SO unbelievably proud of him! He has grown so immensely in the last two years, that words cannot do it justice. The commencement speaker gave a really compelling speech about how the most successful people are those who are not afraid to fail, a lot. That speech and a big brother talk I had recently, have got me thinking about some things I have been trying to hide from lately- all of which are driven by my crippling fear of failure. From far too much past experience, I know that I am always the root cause of my own self destruction... thankfully, I have people in my life who will not hesitate to kick my ass- I need that, seriously. I occasionally lose focus, I often lose interest, but I usually come back around.
I am ready to fail, a lot... at the end of every failure, is the next opportunity for success, and I am the only person with the power to manifest that in my life. It's as if every now and then, I hit pause on my life- why? Who the fuck knows?! I think sometimes everyone needs a break, sometimes it seems like using a filter is easier than manually focusing. But mind clutter cannot be photo-shopped out. That shit has to be processed in the dark room, and the end results will always be a surprise. It's the processing that is beautiful, if we take the time to allow things to develop...
One of my all time favorite song lyrics comes from Ani Difranco "It took me too long to realize that I don't take good pictures because I have the kind of beauty that moves." I love that line, I have no idea why it is so hard for me to apply it in my life... oh well, it's a process right? Maybe it's time to lengthen my exposure and adjust my shutter speed...
I love you BFAM, thanks for the reminders, the inspiration, and the patience. You should be so fucking proud of yourself, your the kind of big brother I am proud to look up to and I couldn't have hand picked a better big brother if I wanted to :)
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