If you missed yesterday's Heavy post, pop back and peruse, it's short, and this one will be to...I am breaking toes left and right lately, tripping over life's irony and I thought I would share this latest bit, because it's so uncanny it is funny!
CAPRICORN Apr, 05, 2013
There is an ongoing problem you've been dealing with that has been on your mind a lot lately. It seems like you can't escape this problem. Even when you find a way to forget about it, it creeps back into your mind. And even when it seems to be solved, it recurs again. This is happening for a reason, Capricorn. Until you can figure out what you are supposed to learn from this experience, you can expect it to happen over and over. Pay closer attention to the lessons in your life, and you'll move beyond this issue.
Well, that pretty much blows my post from yesterday to bits, eh?! I put in for a brain vacation and boom, I get my answer in black and white in less than 12 hours. Duly noted. Well played universe, well played. Sometimes, all I can do is sit back and have a great, big, belly laugh at myself...I recommend it, completely! Even though my heart hurts and my brain feels scrambled, I guess it's time I get down and dirty to the nittiest of gritty. If anyone needs me I will be over here in the corner, reminding myself that doing the work is hard, but the pay offs can be immense, if only I keep my eye on the intangible prize. Happy fuck yeah Friday, indeed!
Friday, April 5, 2013
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Heavy
Ahh, that old, familiar, sinking feeling of change. After the last couple of weeks, I should be used to it...funny how the key to happiness is recognizing impermanence and thus letting go of the artificial feeling of attachment, but human nature is to avoid change and seek attachment.
I am at peace with the way things are, because it is what it is, but at the same time, I am sad, and judging myself for that sadness. Although it is just change, it feels like loss. I have grieved the loss of relationships before, but each one is different, and two at once is infinitely more difficult. All I can do is hold on and keep my eyes peeled for still more lessons on my journey. There are days I envy those who seem to have completed their 'hard lessons' and are enjoying that blissful coasting period...I really, really want that...although with each lesson I learn I feel further away from it and wonder if that peace will ever be mine. I also wonder what in me seems to continually catapult me in this cycle.
I do know I have made every effort this past year or so to be true to myself, even if I have stumbled along the way, and still yet, I find myself right back at the starting point again. As fucking impossibly hard as it has been, I have actually done me these past few weeks... and it was (and is) fucking painful, but I am proud to actually be doing it... no matter how tough. I intend to stick with that, but at this moment...
I am tired. And weary. And scared. I do not think I am tired enough nor scared enough to give up on myself, but I may take a little break from all this consciousness stuff, if only for a few days. I want to disappear, and while I am away I would like my conscious self to work out all the heavy shit that is brewing inside of me. Then, I can come back in a few days, refreshed and ready to start anew.
Of course, I know that won't happen, but...a girl can dream right?
I am at peace with the way things are, because it is what it is, but at the same time, I am sad, and judging myself for that sadness. Although it is just change, it feels like loss. I have grieved the loss of relationships before, but each one is different, and two at once is infinitely more difficult. All I can do is hold on and keep my eyes peeled for still more lessons on my journey. There are days I envy those who seem to have completed their 'hard lessons' and are enjoying that blissful coasting period...I really, really want that...although with each lesson I learn I feel further away from it and wonder if that peace will ever be mine. I also wonder what in me seems to continually catapult me in this cycle.
I do know I have made every effort this past year or so to be true to myself, even if I have stumbled along the way, and still yet, I find myself right back at the starting point again. As fucking impossibly hard as it has been, I have actually done me these past few weeks... and it was (and is) fucking painful, but I am proud to actually be doing it... no matter how tough. I intend to stick with that, but at this moment...
I am tired. And weary. And scared. I do not think I am tired enough nor scared enough to give up on myself, but I may take a little break from all this consciousness stuff, if only for a few days. I want to disappear, and while I am away I would like my conscious self to work out all the heavy shit that is brewing inside of me. Then, I can come back in a few days, refreshed and ready to start anew.
Of course, I know that won't happen, but...a girl can dream right?
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Transparency
So, I grew up in what many would call a middle class, conservative family. I went to Catholic schools, although I would not say I was the poster child Catholic school girl. In fact, I would venture to say that from an early age, I was the antithesis of Catholic school girl... not on purpose, I just never quite fit the mold of quiet, demur, well mannered or soft spoken. I have always been a bit brash, I have never been that great at recognizing social ques, and I have, for most of my life, had a hard time accepting things without question. This never boded well in my tiny Catholic grade school of 300 kids...My earliest memories of knowing I was adopted come into focus around preschool or kindergarten. I remember being proud of it, and talking about it, and I remember being hushed... like that was something 'we don't talk about' outside the home...and there were many more 'social fails' over the years, asking questions to the wrong people, talking about things that apparently were deemed inappropriate to talk about, either at school or amongst my extended family. In grade 7 or 8, I was 1 of 2 dissenters when it came time to 'confirm our faith in the Catholic church'. I could not understand why we were given a choice that was not really a choice... like, of course you can question the faith, just be sure to ask the 'polite questions' (and, by the way, arguing whether or not the bread and wine actually transform into the body and blood of Christ, not on the list of polite questions to ask the priest), and you can absolutely choose whether or not you want to be confirmed, so long as your choice is to be confirmed...head spinning yet?! Mine was then, and it still is now.
This is not a post about my adoption. Or my experiences growing up in the Catholic Church. Really, what I am getting at is that feeling I have always had about being in the wrong. Sure, my parents loved me (and still do), and yes, I absolutely have support, now more so than as a kid. And despite getting this nagging feeling (kind of often) that I am doing something wrong, I have, for the most part, followed my heart, as opposed to blindly doing what others tell me I 'should do'. And I gotta tell ya, it is SUPER fucking hard to do at times.Especially when following my heart means going directly against those who matter most to me.
I truly believe that in life, we should be afforded every opportunity to pursue our own happiness, to make our own mistakes, to fall on our faces, and to pick ourselves up and start again. I also believe that while none of us are special or unique, we do all have our own process, and our own way of going about things. We have the right to our own opinions, although that right, in my humble opinion, does NOT include spewing those opinions on the unwilling or degrading those who do not share opinions similar to our own. I guess that all sounds kind of wishy washy, but all I can say is that I do endeavor to understand where other people are coming from, even if I may not agree with what they think. Occasionally, this is another one of those SUPER fucking hard tasks. I sometimes find it tough to honor my own beliefs (and opinions) whilst attempting to do no harm to others, especially when others differing opinions are in direct opposition...
In the last couple of months I have run up against this difficulty... and no matter how hard I try to get around it, no matter which bend or fork or turn I have tried taking, it seems to always be RIGHT THERE. 5 or six months ago, I fell in love with a beautiful person, our personalities mesh, we enjoy many of the same things, we have great conversation, we have fun doing the smallest things, we enjoy each others company, we support one another, we are learning what it is to be in a real and true partnership, and I could NOT be more ecstatic about it...
I have hesitated to write a 'coming out' post on here, because it seems so cliche, and I don't feel like I was ever 'in' anywhere. Nor did most of my friends... while she is the first girl I have exclusively dated, I have never really viewed sexuality (or anything in life, for that matter) as something that is that black and white. So, for the most part, no one was caught off guard or shocked, they saw how happy I was and were happy for me, end of story... well, not exactly. Everyone was happy for me, for us, but nearly all of my friends had the same concern. After the initial congratulatory salutations 'what is your mom going to say' or some such mantra would eventually come from the mouths of most of my close friends. And it saddens me deeply to say, that my mother, out of everyone in my life has been the only dissenter. So I suppose one could say I am 'coming out' of a fog that was blissful ignorance. I would have never imagined the most homophobic person in my life would be my mother.
Her initial reaction and words stung. A lot. They shook me to my core. I was prepared for her to take a little time to come around, but to say I underestimated her reaction would be an understatement. So, I stepped back, tried to regain my footing, and resolved to give her some time. She's old school, I told myself... and everyone rallied around me, assuring me that it would only take time for her to see how happy I was and that she would eventually come around. So, I gave her time. And so here I stand, nearly six months later... living two separate lives... the life that my partner and I and my friends and loved ones experience together. And the life that is my mom and I on an island of make believe with no sign of Mr. Rogers. This is definitely an example of how separate but equal is indeed NEVER equal.
I go back and forth on how I feel about this. On the one hand, I am saddened, disheartened, in disbelief. I am confused as to why the gender of the person I am happy with matters at all. Because I hadn't really ever thought about it in terms of gender. Or in terms of a gay or lesbian label. What I am experiencing is love, on a very deep and real level. What I am experiencing is what my mother has professed to want for me my entire adult life. On the other hand, I see my mom, and her Catholic belief system. I see that she has had this belief system her entire life, and I see that there have been times it's worked for her, and times she has struggled because of it. I see an increased distance between the two of us, over something I perceive to be pretty fucking trivial, but she perceives to be incredibly important. I see both of us struggling on opposite sides of a fence. And, no matter from which angle I view this, I do not see a happy medium. I cannot for the life of me figure out a grey shade to put this in to make this situation make sense.
I know I cannot change her mind, I also know that she has the right to her own opinion. What I am desperately trying to figure out is how my happiness and her opinions can find some sibilance of coexistence. For now, I have decided to disengage for a while... because while I am frustrated and angry, I still love her, I just don't trust that I will be able to honor her view point without spewing my own on her in my current state of frustration. I am sure there are many parts of her view point I have not yet been able to take into account because of my own feelings in this situation. So maybe space will help...and maybe it won't, I don't know, all I can do is continue putting one foot in front of the other.
As long winded and whiny as this post may seem, I have got to say I am truly lucky to have the people I do in my life... I have a really amazing and supportive girlfriend who has been completely awesome with this entire thing, she has definitely offered strength and perspective and had the patience of a saint- all reasons that I love her completely. My dad, as usual, is my rock. I totally admire how level headed he can be, even when two of the most important women in his life are at odds, I have NO IDEA where I would be without him. And, I can't forget that I have the most fucking amazing friends on the planet. Hands down. All of whom have been so fucking sweet and understanding. I love all of you, it's because of you all that I know all is not lost, this is just another bump in the road, from which I will carry on. <3
This is not a post about my adoption. Or my experiences growing up in the Catholic Church. Really, what I am getting at is that feeling I have always had about being in the wrong. Sure, my parents loved me (and still do), and yes, I absolutely have support, now more so than as a kid. And despite getting this nagging feeling (kind of often) that I am doing something wrong, I have, for the most part, followed my heart, as opposed to blindly doing what others tell me I 'should do'. And I gotta tell ya, it is SUPER fucking hard to do at times.Especially when following my heart means going directly against those who matter most to me.
I truly believe that in life, we should be afforded every opportunity to pursue our own happiness, to make our own mistakes, to fall on our faces, and to pick ourselves up and start again. I also believe that while none of us are special or unique, we do all have our own process, and our own way of going about things. We have the right to our own opinions, although that right, in my humble opinion, does NOT include spewing those opinions on the unwilling or degrading those who do not share opinions similar to our own. I guess that all sounds kind of wishy washy, but all I can say is that I do endeavor to understand where other people are coming from, even if I may not agree with what they think. Occasionally, this is another one of those SUPER fucking hard tasks. I sometimes find it tough to honor my own beliefs (and opinions) whilst attempting to do no harm to others, especially when others differing opinions are in direct opposition...
In the last couple of months I have run up against this difficulty... and no matter how hard I try to get around it, no matter which bend or fork or turn I have tried taking, it seems to always be RIGHT THERE. 5 or six months ago, I fell in love with a beautiful person, our personalities mesh, we enjoy many of the same things, we have great conversation, we have fun doing the smallest things, we enjoy each others company, we support one another, we are learning what it is to be in a real and true partnership, and I could NOT be more ecstatic about it...
I have hesitated to write a 'coming out' post on here, because it seems so cliche, and I don't feel like I was ever 'in' anywhere. Nor did most of my friends... while she is the first girl I have exclusively dated, I have never really viewed sexuality (or anything in life, for that matter) as something that is that black and white. So, for the most part, no one was caught off guard or shocked, they saw how happy I was and were happy for me, end of story... well, not exactly. Everyone was happy for me, for us, but nearly all of my friends had the same concern. After the initial congratulatory salutations 'what is your mom going to say' or some such mantra would eventually come from the mouths of most of my close friends. And it saddens me deeply to say, that my mother, out of everyone in my life has been the only dissenter. So I suppose one could say I am 'coming out' of a fog that was blissful ignorance. I would have never imagined the most homophobic person in my life would be my mother.
Her initial reaction and words stung. A lot. They shook me to my core. I was prepared for her to take a little time to come around, but to say I underestimated her reaction would be an understatement. So, I stepped back, tried to regain my footing, and resolved to give her some time. She's old school, I told myself... and everyone rallied around me, assuring me that it would only take time for her to see how happy I was and that she would eventually come around. So, I gave her time. And so here I stand, nearly six months later... living two separate lives... the life that my partner and I and my friends and loved ones experience together. And the life that is my mom and I on an island of make believe with no sign of Mr. Rogers. This is definitely an example of how separate but equal is indeed NEVER equal.
I go back and forth on how I feel about this. On the one hand, I am saddened, disheartened, in disbelief. I am confused as to why the gender of the person I am happy with matters at all. Because I hadn't really ever thought about it in terms of gender. Or in terms of a gay or lesbian label. What I am experiencing is love, on a very deep and real level. What I am experiencing is what my mother has professed to want for me my entire adult life. On the other hand, I see my mom, and her Catholic belief system. I see that she has had this belief system her entire life, and I see that there have been times it's worked for her, and times she has struggled because of it. I see an increased distance between the two of us, over something I perceive to be pretty fucking trivial, but she perceives to be incredibly important. I see both of us struggling on opposite sides of a fence. And, no matter from which angle I view this, I do not see a happy medium. I cannot for the life of me figure out a grey shade to put this in to make this situation make sense.
I know I cannot change her mind, I also know that she has the right to her own opinion. What I am desperately trying to figure out is how my happiness and her opinions can find some sibilance of coexistence. For now, I have decided to disengage for a while... because while I am frustrated and angry, I still love her, I just don't trust that I will be able to honor her view point without spewing my own on her in my current state of frustration. I am sure there are many parts of her view point I have not yet been able to take into account because of my own feelings in this situation. So maybe space will help...and maybe it won't, I don't know, all I can do is continue putting one foot in front of the other.
As long winded and whiny as this post may seem, I have got to say I am truly lucky to have the people I do in my life... I have a really amazing and supportive girlfriend who has been completely awesome with this entire thing, she has definitely offered strength and perspective and had the patience of a saint- all reasons that I love her completely. My dad, as usual, is my rock. I totally admire how level headed he can be, even when two of the most important women in his life are at odds, I have NO IDEA where I would be without him. And, I can't forget that I have the most fucking amazing friends on the planet. Hands down. All of whom have been so fucking sweet and understanding. I love all of you, it's because of you all that I know all is not lost, this is just another bump in the road, from which I will carry on. <3
Saturday, March 23, 2013
Golden
I have admittedly had trouble finding words to match my thoughts lately... actually, I think I have had a little trouble finding my voice. At some point I think I may have subconsciously silenced it, and that silence has been affecting me a lot lately. I have a ton of posts working in draft mode right now, but I have been unable to string any of them together in cohesive form, which to me is usually a sign that I am not through muddling in the substance contained in them. I have had an odd sort of writers block, like I get the idea or thought down and then lose the words to articulate my point... but this past week I have become aware of the need to just get SOMETHING out, even if it isn't cohesive, even if it doesn't make sense; just to forge through and let the process of purging take hold of me. My hope is that some clarity will come out it... maybe it will, maybe it won't either way, I doubt it could hurt....
So, as I have written before... I am an emotional creature... I bumble about life 'feeling' my way through, and sometimes this is an illuminating process and sometimes it is a dark and scary backwoods path, both of which I believe to be beautiful and necessary. What's come to my attention recently is that while I feel a lot of stuff very deeply...exhaustively so at times, I am not always good at the outward part of that feeling, again- it's no secret I tend to brood and get stuck in my own mental process. Unfortunately for those close to me, this can at times result in my outside not matching my inside, which is confusing for me, I cannot imagine how confusing it is for those close to me. And trust, it is seriously frustrating to me. Because at some point, that inner shit bubbles outward, and usually takes the form of anger, sadness or fear...
When I do not honor whatever it is that is going on inside of me, it effects EVERYTHING else in my life. Things that I should be able to take in stride anger or irritate me to no end. My feelings get hurt easily, I take dumb shit personally, I mope, I brood... ok, you get the picture. So... after a particularly tough week of taking a lot of shit personally, shit coming from COMPLETE STRANGERS, I was pretty fucking down yesterday... and that sadness turned into anger. Like, how dare people be so ignorantly fucking judgmental and rude, and I ran with that, but, in my anger I start to realize that I have no right to be angry. What other people think of me (ESPECIALLY people who do not know me) is really none of my business and a complete waste of my time and an enormous drain on my energy. I was physically and mentally exhausted last night. And so, after a good night's sleep I arose today, resolved to let the dumb shit go for what it is and get on with things.
So, I get to work, and as I walk in the lobby I see that it is trashed. Fliers are strewn everywhere, crumpled, torn, the entire lobby is in a state of general discombobulation. And I can feel my blood pressure rising...my inner dialogue starts ranting 'WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE??? Why do people feel the need to just destroy shit, to have no regard for things that are not theirs??' And so it went, as I cleaned up the mess all the while, resenting the anonymous asshats that created it.
So, I am left to wonder... what is it about these situations that REALLY bothers me? Why do they evoke such a reaction in me? How is it that I can give my power to complete fucking strangers...and WHY do I do that? I think the answer lies in the fact that there are other things in my life I choose not to react to, as if I stuff my shit in other circumstances. So when something less personal comes up, I allow my emotions and reactions derived from the ignored circumstances to come out in the assumed safety of the anonymity of the other party. Huh. I am fairly certain I am on to something there, I just need to figure out why I block things to begin with. For the most part, I am starting to become aware of when I do it, it's the why that stumps me.
I know it has something to do with not wanting others to have to 'deal with' my shit, which is in fact a cop out...it is probably more true that this is a defense mechanism I developed a long time ago, and at the time, I am sure it was necessary, but at some point it became my pattern for dealing (or rather, not dealing). I know it isn't needed or working for me now. I have no reason NOT to be authentic with the people in my life, that is why I so vigilant about who I am and am not close to. I have to find a way to re-frame the way that I think about my stuff... instead of thinking everyone's stuff is more important, or judging whatever I am feeling to be trivial or unimportant, I think it is important to just honor that shit in the moment, but goddamn! That is hard. Just writing this makes me feel all victim-y and weird, which is also probably worth a moment of reflection. All of this is certainly part of a loop track I have yet to be able to cease or at the least vary a bit, but my determination to do so has definitely been renewed. Oh, the things that make me go hmmm....
Monday, January 28, 2013
I AM
Sometimes, it seems as though I am plugged in, like I am on top of my game, and everything seems real, and tangible and doable. As is the case with life, the peak gives way to the valley and then contemplation sets in. In the interest of reminding myself that lessons will reappear in different forms at different times until I get it, I have written about my peaks and valleys before. All of these ups and downs, all the experiences, they are worthwhile to me, but no matter how many trips to the valley I make...no matter how much time is spent on the peak in between... the two experiences always seem so grossly oppositional. Sure, with each trip out of the valley, the peak seems more intense and beautiful, but correspondingly, the valley that follows seems so intensely dark and deep. But, as best as I can tell... this is all part of the process of coming to the I AM...
I fooled myself at this last peak...I thought I would get to stay a bit longer, okay, A LOT longer... so I was in no way prepared for the decent. At least I get that it is quality over quantity...This last peak was the most amazing and brilliant I have experienced to date. My monkey mind wants me to spin around in this valley and believe that nothing could be more beautiful, that it is all valley from here on out, because after this last peak NOTHING could EVER come close to comparing, let alone surpassing. But, if I am to apply what I have been learning in this self imposed education on consciousness, I have to acknowledge that what came from the peak was the awareness that both the peaks and the valleys are evolving with me... and that these are necessary pieces to the I AM.
I think it is worth jotting down the intense amount of self judgement I am experiencing...All I can think about is- I am a gigantic fucking fool, I am stupid, naive, and angry. I keep thinking, well, I got what I deserved... and I could go on, trust me. What I know to be true in my head is that all of these thoughts are distractions from what I need to take away from this experience- I learned that I am actually capable of feeling an intense, deep, emotional connection with another human being, AND that the fear that held me back from experiencing this before is completely unfounded...sure, I am struggling right now, yes, this is hard. It fucking hurts, and no, nothing will ever be the same again, which seems so impossible to deal with because I want to focus on her. No one will ever be her, no one could possibly compare to her. To think that I could find another connection to remotely rival this one is completely unfathomable to me. I am entangled in the attachment to her. Fuck, will I ever learn this concept of impermanence?! I mean, it seems like it is at the root of ever fucking lesson!
The reality is that I need to focus on what have I gained, what have I learned...I am not totally there yet, although I will get there, eventually. I must stay aware that each valley is loaded with a million land mines of distraction, I can sit and spin in any number of them... why has it taken me so long in my life to experience such a blissful and beautiful connection? And why the fuck did it have to disappear so fucking fast? Why is this so god-damned hard for me to get? Why can't I just be fucking happy like so many other people I know? Why do I have to struggle every fucking step along the way? Why does it seem like I choose the most insanely difficult route at every single fucking fork in my life's road?
Well, the whys of any situation are completely subjective... I could ask any number of my friends to answer those questions for me, answer them for myself, and we would all have completely different answers depending upon the day and each of our mindsets. All I can do to stop the spinning in my head is to acknowledge the beauty in the experience, and let that be the catalyst to lead me to the next one. It's my attachment to this particular experience that keeps me spinning... and it's the spin that keeps me from being open to whatever is in front of me, because I get so distracted trying to look back. It's hard to grasp that experiences are intangible, therefore they are never actually wholly ours to begin with and we cannot cling to them like some security blanket... because technically, there was/is nothing tangible to hold. This process of coming to the I AM is so much more intense than I could have imagined...
I fooled myself at this last peak...I thought I would get to stay a bit longer, okay, A LOT longer... so I was in no way prepared for the decent. At least I get that it is quality over quantity...This last peak was the most amazing and brilliant I have experienced to date. My monkey mind wants me to spin around in this valley and believe that nothing could be more beautiful, that it is all valley from here on out, because after this last peak NOTHING could EVER come close to comparing, let alone surpassing. But, if I am to apply what I have been learning in this self imposed education on consciousness, I have to acknowledge that what came from the peak was the awareness that both the peaks and the valleys are evolving with me... and that these are necessary pieces to the I AM.
I think it is worth jotting down the intense amount of self judgement I am experiencing...All I can think about is- I am a gigantic fucking fool, I am stupid, naive, and angry. I keep thinking, well, I got what I deserved... and I could go on, trust me. What I know to be true in my head is that all of these thoughts are distractions from what I need to take away from this experience- I learned that I am actually capable of feeling an intense, deep, emotional connection with another human being, AND that the fear that held me back from experiencing this before is completely unfounded...sure, I am struggling right now, yes, this is hard. It fucking hurts, and no, nothing will ever be the same again, which seems so impossible to deal with because I want to focus on her. No one will ever be her, no one could possibly compare to her. To think that I could find another connection to remotely rival this one is completely unfathomable to me. I am entangled in the attachment to her. Fuck, will I ever learn this concept of impermanence?! I mean, it seems like it is at the root of ever fucking lesson!
The reality is that I need to focus on what have I gained, what have I learned...I am not totally there yet, although I will get there, eventually. I must stay aware that each valley is loaded with a million land mines of distraction, I can sit and spin in any number of them... why has it taken me so long in my life to experience such a blissful and beautiful connection? And why the fuck did it have to disappear so fucking fast? Why is this so god-damned hard for me to get? Why can't I just be fucking happy like so many other people I know? Why do I have to struggle every fucking step along the way? Why does it seem like I choose the most insanely difficult route at every single fucking fork in my life's road?
Well, the whys of any situation are completely subjective... I could ask any number of my friends to answer those questions for me, answer them for myself, and we would all have completely different answers depending upon the day and each of our mindsets. All I can do to stop the spinning in my head is to acknowledge the beauty in the experience, and let that be the catalyst to lead me to the next one. It's my attachment to this particular experience that keeps me spinning... and it's the spin that keeps me from being open to whatever is in front of me, because I get so distracted trying to look back. It's hard to grasp that experiences are intangible, therefore they are never actually wholly ours to begin with and we cannot cling to them like some security blanket... because technically, there was/is nothing tangible to hold. This process of coming to the I AM is so much more intense than I could have imagined...
Friday, January 25, 2013
Fatal Flaw
I am mentally and physically exhausted. This business of consciousness is no joke. Staying aware of oneself requires so much focus and energy, I am to the point of aching. That being said, I am alright. I am good with being the pile on my bedroom floor in this moment. I am mustering the energy to lift my head and survey the pieces. They seem to all still be here, in fact... there may be a few extra I had not been in possession of before this last shattering. This is good. This means that at some point I will be able to re-assemble them into a new and more beautiful form of myself. Well, that is a relief. My ears are still ringing from the crash and my head is still foggy. It does always seem to come from nowhere, taking me by complete surprise. It isn't until after the fracture that I begin to see there were in fact warnings... missed signals and clues. I sometimes wonder if I subconsciously ignore them...maybe somewhere in the depths of my mind I know it is coming, and allow it because I know that beyond those shattered shards lies another awakening...
It's a surreal feeling to be sitting amongst the splinters and slivers, cold and alone and scared, but aware at once that this process is necessary to continue on a path of transcendence. There is a great deal of mental chatter clamoring about in my mind. It is a chaotic cacophony of which I can make little sense, I am guessing this is where the exhaustion originates. But even amongst the chaos, even amongst the anxiety, through the exhaustion and fog, I am still somehow aware that I am okay. There is a sense of calm that leaks in when I remember that I cannot know everything at once. That what I am experiencing is pretty much nothing more than a MONUMENTAL learning curve with regards to life. And there is opulence in knowing I am the only one I have to explain this to. I do not need to go into great detail as to what I am experiencing. This moment, like all others before and after it, is impermanent... EVERYTHING is ALWAYS subject to change. The sooner I am able to grasp this, the sooner I am able to apply this to all things in my life, including attachment, the better.
I have been learning of late about my fatal flaw... and as those things go, I guess it isn't a horrible one to have... but it is a real bitch to see it staring me in the face. Knowing what it is and knowing how to deal with it are two totally separate things... the latter is certainly the harder piece of the equation... I am confident that the having the awareness of it will help me to eventually function with it in some sort of healthy manor as opposed to the self destruction that was born out of my prior ignorance on the matter. So, while I am confident that progress can be made, I am presently stuck in that frustrating, uncomfortable space... you know, the one I can imagine a young Luke Skywalker to have experienced when beginning his Jedi training. I feel like that a lot these days. Not gunna lie, it is pretty damned humbling to once again arrive at the conclusion that I don't know shit! And, while I have arrived at that conclusion before, I think it will keep coming up for me until I can somehow grasp it deep down in the depths of me. How exactly that happens, I do not know. Until then, I will keep my eyes peeled for Obi and Yoda, and hang out here, shattered, but grateful on the bedroom floor.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Goodbye, Hello
Note- I actually began this post on New Years Eve, but hadn't finished until today.
Well, as it seems, the end of 2012 is post unapocalyptically upon us. I awoke this morning in a retrospective sort of mood... stepping in the shower I began reviewing New Year's Eves past-what was I doing this time last year? Oh. Yeah. What about the year before that? Oh. Yep. As I got in my car to drive to work I started thinking about this past year in particular, where I have been, what I have experienced- mentally and physically. I get to work, check my email, and then the ever-evil, time sucking book-face. And just as I log on, there's a link in my news feed-the title intrigues me, so I click the link.....Why Lying Broken in a Pile on Your Bedroom Floor is a Good Idea...
As I am reading the post I become more interested, the ideas in here REALLY ping with me. I posted a while back about each of us having our own beautiful disasters- and this is what I meant. So, I finish reading and hop over here to compose a post about what all that means to me, and what it made me think and what it made me feel. And then I thought, hey, maybe before I write out this year in review post I should look back through my posts from this year. So I did...
A lot happened in 2012...I experienced many firsts...there were, as in any span of time, many ups and many downs. But if I were to pick a resounding theme it was that I continually felt as though I were on the verge of some lesson or break through. Toward the end of the year the lessons became clear. I figured out that the key to any lesson lies within myself. There are always other ways to look at any given situation... and that in and of it's self is, in my humble opinion, the single greatest beauty in life. That is what carries me through the dark points into whatever light is waiting for me on the other side. I am so grateful for those brief moments of clarity... those moments of consciousness... the moments when I can exhale the breath I have been holding in and take in new perspective, energy, and light.
Yes, I spent a decent amount of time lying broken in a pile on my bedroom floor in 2012. I am not ashamed, because even in those moments, or days, or months as it were, I was slowly piecing myself back together. I was (and, still am, obviously) learning about who I am. And, at least this time, as opposed to broken pile moments in the past, I was aware of what was happening... Sure, I was in pain, but somehow I was conscious of the fact that the pain would pass. And it was that consciousness that allowed me to obtain peace with being in pieces. We are all, whether we choose to admit it or not, in pieces at some point or another. We are all fractured in some way, and society would have us believe that those things are 'bad'. We need to be whole and pristine, is what society would have us believe, there is no room in this world for imperfection or flaw. Well, I beg to differ. I truly believe those fractures are what make us beautiful, those pieces are what allow us to see different sides of ourselves. They help us gain perspective in so many ways.
So 2012, overall, was another truly fantastic year in my life...people and experiences came and went. I learned much about myself and human nature. I was able to reaffirm that I am indeed NOT in control (as much as I sometimes wish I were). I shared some simply fantastic moments with people I love in my life, I witnessed growth and abundance in both my life and the lives of those around me. I made mistakes, for which I am so grateful, and I learned that sometimes, letting go and giving in are not terrible things, in fact those actions can actually open the door to some REAL fucking beauty.
I will remember 2012 as the year that I fell in love. I will remember the magic that enveloped me in that process. The year that I finally cleared enough mental clutter to open my energy for amazing things to unfold. I will remember 2012 for becoming truly authentic in parts of my life. Something major shifted in me, and I am now reaping the benefits of that shift. I will remember 2012 as the year I finally threw in the towel and said, ya know what? I don't know shit, and I am TOTALLY good with that! I will remember 2012 as the year that I finally figured out that we are ALL fucking neurotic in our own ways, and that I am only responsible for my own neurosis, as I am only responsible for what I know and who I am.
2013 is already shaping up to be something stellar. I couldn't possibly name or futurecast all of the abundance that will unfold this year, but I can say I look forward to the birth of my nephew, the marriage of friends, and nurturing the bond I have found with the woman I love. In 2013, I am tasking myself with carrying this level of consciousness forward. I am no dumby, it is going to take a lot of work, and there will certainly be difficulties, but I am excited for all of the opportunities and challenges that the new year brings...
Well, as it seems, the end of 2012 is post unapocalyptically upon us. I awoke this morning in a retrospective sort of mood... stepping in the shower I began reviewing New Year's Eves past-what was I doing this time last year? Oh. Yeah. What about the year before that? Oh. Yep. As I got in my car to drive to work I started thinking about this past year in particular, where I have been, what I have experienced- mentally and physically. I get to work, check my email, and then the ever-evil, time sucking book-face. And just as I log on, there's a link in my news feed-the title intrigues me, so I click the link.....Why Lying Broken in a Pile on Your Bedroom Floor is a Good Idea...
As I am reading the post I become more interested, the ideas in here REALLY ping with me. I posted a while back about each of us having our own beautiful disasters- and this is what I meant. So, I finish reading and hop over here to compose a post about what all that means to me, and what it made me think and what it made me feel. And then I thought, hey, maybe before I write out this year in review post I should look back through my posts from this year. So I did...
A lot happened in 2012...I experienced many firsts...there were, as in any span of time, many ups and many downs. But if I were to pick a resounding theme it was that I continually felt as though I were on the verge of some lesson or break through. Toward the end of the year the lessons became clear. I figured out that the key to any lesson lies within myself. There are always other ways to look at any given situation... and that in and of it's self is, in my humble opinion, the single greatest beauty in life. That is what carries me through the dark points into whatever light is waiting for me on the other side. I am so grateful for those brief moments of clarity... those moments of consciousness... the moments when I can exhale the breath I have been holding in and take in new perspective, energy, and light.
Yes, I spent a decent amount of time lying broken in a pile on my bedroom floor in 2012. I am not ashamed, because even in those moments, or days, or months as it were, I was slowly piecing myself back together. I was (and, still am, obviously) learning about who I am. And, at least this time, as opposed to broken pile moments in the past, I was aware of what was happening... Sure, I was in pain, but somehow I was conscious of the fact that the pain would pass. And it was that consciousness that allowed me to obtain peace with being in pieces. We are all, whether we choose to admit it or not, in pieces at some point or another. We are all fractured in some way, and society would have us believe that those things are 'bad'. We need to be whole and pristine, is what society would have us believe, there is no room in this world for imperfection or flaw. Well, I beg to differ. I truly believe those fractures are what make us beautiful, those pieces are what allow us to see different sides of ourselves. They help us gain perspective in so many ways.
So 2012, overall, was another truly fantastic year in my life...people and experiences came and went. I learned much about myself and human nature. I was able to reaffirm that I am indeed NOT in control (as much as I sometimes wish I were). I shared some simply fantastic moments with people I love in my life, I witnessed growth and abundance in both my life and the lives of those around me. I made mistakes, for which I am so grateful, and I learned that sometimes, letting go and giving in are not terrible things, in fact those actions can actually open the door to some REAL fucking beauty.
I will remember 2012 as the year that I fell in love. I will remember the magic that enveloped me in that process. The year that I finally cleared enough mental clutter to open my energy for amazing things to unfold. I will remember 2012 for becoming truly authentic in parts of my life. Something major shifted in me, and I am now reaping the benefits of that shift. I will remember 2012 as the year I finally threw in the towel and said, ya know what? I don't know shit, and I am TOTALLY good with that! I will remember 2012 as the year that I finally figured out that we are ALL fucking neurotic in our own ways, and that I am only responsible for my own neurosis, as I am only responsible for what I know and who I am.
2013 is already shaping up to be something stellar. I couldn't possibly name or futurecast all of the abundance that will unfold this year, but I can say I look forward to the birth of my nephew, the marriage of friends, and nurturing the bond I have found with the woman I love. In 2013, I am tasking myself with carrying this level of consciousness forward. I am no dumby, it is going to take a lot of work, and there will certainly be difficulties, but I am excited for all of the opportunities and challenges that the new year brings...
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