Heavy

Ahh, that old, familiar, sinking feeling of change. After the last couple of weeks, I should be used to it...funny how the key to happiness is recognizing impermanence and thus letting go of the artificial feeling of attachment, but human nature is to avoid change and seek attachment.

I am at peace with the way things are, because it is what it is, but at the same time, I am sad, and judging myself for that sadness.  Although it is just change, it feels like loss. I have grieved the loss of relationships before, but each one is different, and two at once is infinitely more difficult.  All I can do is hold on and keep my eyes peeled for still more lessons on my journey.  There are days I envy those who seem to have completed their 'hard lessons' and are enjoying that blissful coasting period...I really, really want that...although with each lesson I learn I feel further away from it and wonder if that peace will ever be mine.  I also wonder what in me seems to continually catapult me in this cycle. 

I do know I have made every effort this past year or so to be true to myself, even if I have stumbled along the way, and still yet, I find myself right back at the starting point again.  As fucking impossibly hard as it has been, I have actually done me these past few weeks... and it was (and is) fucking painful, but I am proud to actually be doing it... no matter how tough.  I intend to stick with that, but at this moment...

I am tired. And weary. And scared.  I do not think I am tired enough nor scared enough to give up on myself, but I may take a little break from all this consciousness stuff, if only for a few days.  I want to disappear, and while I am away I would like my conscious self to work out all the heavy shit that is brewing inside of me.  Then, I can come back in a few days, refreshed and ready to start anew.

Of course, I know that won't happen, but...a girl can dream right?