ruminate-to chew again or over and over.
In composing this post, I thought it apt to look up the dictionary definitions to my blog title. Not that I didn't know what the words meant, but as the post was coming to me, I realized the humor in the words in relation to the proceeding ramblings... I think it's amusing that I chose to put these two words together, because I RARELY do both at once... when I ruminate on things (which as you may know if you've been around here much, is pretty much ALWAYS) I am generally doing so in avoidance of some visceral reaction that is bubbling up inside me. And believe me, I am the fucking QUEEN of avoidance. I spent last night opening my mail from the last two months... why? Because I avoid opening mail like the mother fucking plague and like most matches in the game of avoidance, I finally lost this week and was forced to remove my head from my ass and deal with some elements of real life. Yep, I have issues when it comes to some forms of adulthood; toss them into pile with commitment, responsibility, and communication.
What would I do if I didn't think incessantly?! Hahaha, and now, I will proceed to think about how I think about things too much, BRILLIANT!!!!! In some of the other forms of this post, I called out specific situations... and I was pretty fucking honest. And, as is usually the case, I was pretty fucking hard on myself... after all, if I'm not- who will be?! But then, I thought about other parties involved in said situations and worried about them becoming a casualty of my blog. I try wherever possible to not use names and specifics, and in this case, it just didn't seem feasible to disguise the situations well enough... not that the other parties have anything to hide, more that it really isn't my right to call the situations out in public form. And truthfully, a lot of the catharsis that comes from this blog lies dormant in those unpublished drafts... I get what I need from them- I get whatever IT is out of my head, and I move on... or I write it out, and then ruminate and come back to it later, sometimes many, many, times over... and at some point, I come to a place where I can publish some version of whatever lesson I have been pinging on.
What would I do if I didn't think incessantly?! Hahaha, and now, I will proceed to think about how I think about things too much, BRILLIANT!!!!! In some of the other forms of this post, I called out specific situations... and I was pretty fucking honest. And, as is usually the case, I was pretty fucking hard on myself... after all, if I'm not- who will be?! But then, I thought about other parties involved in said situations and worried about them becoming a casualty of my blog. I try wherever possible to not use names and specifics, and in this case, it just didn't seem feasible to disguise the situations well enough... not that the other parties have anything to hide, more that it really isn't my right to call the situations out in public form. And truthfully, a lot of the catharsis that comes from this blog lies dormant in those unpublished drafts... I get what I need from them- I get whatever IT is out of my head, and I move on... or I write it out, and then ruminate and come back to it later, sometimes many, many, times over... and at some point, I come to a place where I can publish some version of whatever lesson I have been pinging on.
I am a girl who spends a majority of the time in her head, over analyzing every. last. thing. Everything I say, everything I do, everything I think. The curse is two fold, it's obsessively over thinking any and everything, be it my job or my personal life, and then staying in my head about it until I am so paralyzed by fear (real or perceived) that I am unable to make any sense of it outside of my own head... and I hate that space. Some days are worse than others... some days I almost forget how awkward I am. Other days it seems completely inescapable. It's tiring... exhausting really, but ironically it's also the source of my intermittent insomnia. I worry myself sick over mostly dumb shit that is out of my control. Mine is a monkey mind that, when left unattended can be frightening and or dangerous. Not dangerous to others... mainly dangerous to me. I hate being stuck on that hamster wheel... it's mental masturbation with no release...
I sometimes wonder, what would happen if I decided to just be. I also wonder if that is a decision I am capable of... maybe I am hardwired for awkward. Maybe I am pre-programmed to stew in my head. Maybe I skipped the line when they were handing out interpersonal skills... Or maybe there's a way to (as some have suggested to me) 'just get over it'. I want to be over it. I want to be able to converse in real time the way I pound away at a keyboard... I want the bravery I pretend to have on here in real life... Even though I think this blog has helped me articulate myself and thus be a bit more honest with myself, I also think it has enabled me to continue to hide. Take this post for example, I have written countless different drafts of this same post over the last two weeks not knowing if I will actually publish any of them...because I am stuck in the vortex of awkwardity...yeah, it's so bad I have made up a word for it. Damn it I hate when I make these kinds of realizations...
This is a majority of the reason tough bitch has been around for so long. Tough bitch helps me to hide my awkwardness behind being loud and brash and acting as if I do not care. But there are times when even tough bitch can't hide me... I am sure it's quite the sight to witness me brooding....I know there are many people in my life who wish I could just get off this loop track of regretting before I ever do anything. I know I am not the only one who does this ... I have actually attempted to talk to others about it... but generally one or both of us is so awkward about it that we change the subject and the conversation goes a different way entirely...two people bumbling on that same arduous level is agonizing. I often envy those people who can be spontaneous... who can have a conversation or type out a text or an email like it's second nature, without having to bother to re-read, re-think or revise it 42 times, which is what I do a majority of the time...Like I said, I am not in that space ALL the time, just most of it, haha. The times that I am not wandering aimlessly amongst my mind's skeletons, I am sharp, I am keen, I am on point, and I am relatively content...what a shame those moments aren't my majority! Still working to find a balance on that front. It's a slow process, so for now, I guess all I can commit to is opening my mail on a more regular basis, we shall see how that goes.
