A while back I wrote about my old friend tough bitch (Fucking Fishnets and Cigarettes ). I talked about needing to get rid of her as my constant persona. I said that it was worth a shot, and made no promises. While I have been trying to let go of tough bitch, I have realized that there was A LOT more that went along with her. For one thing, I thought that tough bitch was merely a persona I brought out when I felt scared or threatened. Wrong, that may have been true when she first came to be; which by my best guess was probably around the time I was in grade six. But she has been around for so long that she has become my default. And further, I have realized, tough bitch is less a persona and more this crazy fortress I have built around myself - like my own personal great wall of China--or more accurately my version of the Berlin Wall. Because I am trying to dismantle it. One brick at a time.
I really hadn't considered how deep all of this shit ran until recently. I look back and see how that wall has stood between me and almost every relationship I have ever had (platonic or lover...at least my wall is non-discriminatory?!) My wall has been fortified so many times that there is no longer a place to enter or exit... just a tiny keyhole for me to peep through when I am feeling adventurous...As of late I have noticed myself searching for a weak spot in the wall so that I can begin to dismantle even a tiny piece of it... I would like to expand that peephole to a window... perhaps even a gate...
But I am more paralyzed with fear than I had ever imagined. And it is SO weird to be at once aware of that fear and the inherent need to push through it. My head is getting a bit bloody from banging into the wall whilst straining to get a better glimpse through the peephole. And this is all so so so foreign- the awareness that a.) I really have managed to construct the fortress I used to refer to in jest, b.) I have obviously outgrown the fortress because I keep banging into the walls, and c.) the wall didn't crumble when I made the two former realizations.
These walls have not so much kept me safe, but kept me pent up... which is maddening and poetic at the same time. And I can't say that I have a plan for the demolition process, except that I know it has to happen. I will never obtain the peace that I profess to want if I do not proceed with wrecking this self constructed rampart. It's a real pickle I tell ya. I want the growth, yes, but damn it! Can someone else deal with the scary parts... the parts that produce massive amounts of discomfort... those feelings and situations that seem to chuck fuel soaked wood on the raging fire in my belly. I know. I know, that's the shit I am suppose to learn how to embrace. I get that, but when I am teetering on the edge of feeling that way in a particular situation it seems like such a better plan to get the hell out immediately.
Sometimes, situations are so visceral for me that I think it better for both parties in any given situation if I just bow out. Like completely. Like no bye, no nice to know you, no explanation of what you did or didn't do, your just dead to me in essence. Yep, I get how ridiculous, childish, and unhealthy that is. Not to mention the fact that it's selfish, because it is under the guise of saving the other party pain down the road. It is a cop out. I am finding it harder and harder to convince myself that ignoring people and situations is a viable option anymore, imagine that! It is certainly not an option the better man would consider. I said I would be honest and uncensored in this blog, if nowhere else, so this is it. Just writing this out makes me feel the way you do when you have the naked dream. You know the one... you show up at a party full of people and just as you make your entrance you have this striking realization that you are stark naked. In front of everyone. And you cannot find the door. The point is, I know I am not unique. Either we have all been there, or for some of us, we are there right now. I am kind of a determined girl though, and I am not gunna let this wall keep me in, or others out for that matter.
I can say that this blog is teaching me vulnerability... maybe in baby steps, but hey, steps are movement, no matter how small or large they are.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Friday, June 24, 2011
Mr. Wendell and the Better Man
Most of the ah-ha moments in my life are derived from conversations I have with people... sometimes strangers, most times people with whom I already have some established connection...
I can remember years ago when I was going to UC there was a homeless dude who always sat out front of the coffee shop I frequented in Clifton. I should say that it was pretty tough to make friends at UC, the race riots were still fresh in everyone's mind and the entire campus seemed to have silently segregated itself into ethnic sub-groups- there were the Latinos, the Asians, the African Americans and so on. Strangely enough, there was no pasty-red head group. I have always made friends relatively easily, so striking up conversation after conversation with people on campus only to be ignored or rejected got old after the first couple of days...So, I spent my long breaks in coffee shops getting to know locals as opposed to anyone on campus. So the homeless guy- he hung out on the same street, generally in front of the same few shops, everyday. He knew everybody that passed by, and they all knew him. He would sweep the sidewalks out in front of the shops and in return the merchants would pay him with a coffee or a sandwich.
The guy was wise beyond my years. Like Mr. Wendell from the Arrested Development song. As we stood there on those crisp autumn afternoons, smoking cigarettes and chatting about the intricacies of life, I realized I was getting far more of an 'education' from that man than any university class was going to get me. So I quit going to class. Instead, I walked to the coffee shop everyday, outlined my textbooks and savored the wisdom nuggets that guy outside the coffee shop would exhale in between drags of the smoke I was always happy to give him. At the end of the school year I left that school, there seemed to me to be little reason to pay to go to a school where your 3.89 gpa came from coffee shop talks and textbook outlining while skipping class. I will always remember that guy though, my own Mr. Wendell.
Since Mr. Wendell there have been countless talks. Countless interactions, countless unexpected nuggets of wisdom, sometimes from the most unsuspecting places. The measure of my human experience has come from these interactions. I am blessed to have met and mingled with so many wisdom filled souls. These interactions can never be forced, they must happen organically and always when you least expect it. In conversation last weekend with one such wisdom filled soul I was told "I hope one day you learn to speak to yourself the way that you speak to others" and I was taken aback. I had never really considered the fact that I do anything but speak to others the way I want to be spoken to. And then it dawned on me, the way in which I want to be spoken to so often does not match up with the way in which I speak to myself. And I wondered, how many of us do that? How many of us subscribe to those variations of the golden rule- speaking to others, treating others, the way we want to be treated and spoken to, only to not follow through when it comes to how we treat and speak to ourselves?
Many people have been gracious enough to pay me the complement of being a good listener, or a sound advice giver... a high complement indeed. But when I stop for a moment and really think about it- I am a bit of an impostor in this arena if I cannot say the same things to myself. If I cannot follow my own advice. The conversation that spawned this whole diatribe in my brain started out as a discussion about learning what it is to 'be the better man'. We talked about how in life, sometimes our lessons are for higher purpose, and the lesson of 'being the better man' is indeed one of those lessons. The better man embraces situations which would other wise be avoided by a 'lesser man', he deals with things head on and runs from nothing, all the while conducting himself with grace and poise. The better man must not only talk the talk, but follow it with an impressive walk. There is no swagger in the better man's walk, it takes perfect posture, broad shoulders and humility to walk this walk. It wasn't until we ended the discussion and he posed the idea that I should learn to speak to myself in the same way I speak to others that I realized- I cannot be the better man until I can walk that walk in my own life. So, I raise my glass to all of you that not only talk the talk of wisdom, but walk the walk of the better man- thanks for being such bright, shining lights of example in the world.
I can remember years ago when I was going to UC there was a homeless dude who always sat out front of the coffee shop I frequented in Clifton. I should say that it was pretty tough to make friends at UC, the race riots were still fresh in everyone's mind and the entire campus seemed to have silently segregated itself into ethnic sub-groups- there were the Latinos, the Asians, the African Americans and so on. Strangely enough, there was no pasty-red head group. I have always made friends relatively easily, so striking up conversation after conversation with people on campus only to be ignored or rejected got old after the first couple of days...So, I spent my long breaks in coffee shops getting to know locals as opposed to anyone on campus. So the homeless guy- he hung out on the same street, generally in front of the same few shops, everyday. He knew everybody that passed by, and they all knew him. He would sweep the sidewalks out in front of the shops and in return the merchants would pay him with a coffee or a sandwich.
The guy was wise beyond my years. Like Mr. Wendell from the Arrested Development song. As we stood there on those crisp autumn afternoons, smoking cigarettes and chatting about the intricacies of life, I realized I was getting far more of an 'education' from that man than any university class was going to get me. So I quit going to class. Instead, I walked to the coffee shop everyday, outlined my textbooks and savored the wisdom nuggets that guy outside the coffee shop would exhale in between drags of the smoke I was always happy to give him. At the end of the school year I left that school, there seemed to me to be little reason to pay to go to a school where your 3.89 gpa came from coffee shop talks and textbook outlining while skipping class. I will always remember that guy though, my own Mr. Wendell.
Since Mr. Wendell there have been countless talks. Countless interactions, countless unexpected nuggets of wisdom, sometimes from the most unsuspecting places. The measure of my human experience has come from these interactions. I am blessed to have met and mingled with so many wisdom filled souls. These interactions can never be forced, they must happen organically and always when you least expect it. In conversation last weekend with one such wisdom filled soul I was told "I hope one day you learn to speak to yourself the way that you speak to others" and I was taken aback. I had never really considered the fact that I do anything but speak to others the way I want to be spoken to. And then it dawned on me, the way in which I want to be spoken to so often does not match up with the way in which I speak to myself. And I wondered, how many of us do that? How many of us subscribe to those variations of the golden rule- speaking to others, treating others, the way we want to be treated and spoken to, only to not follow through when it comes to how we treat and speak to ourselves?
Many people have been gracious enough to pay me the complement of being a good listener, or a sound advice giver... a high complement indeed. But when I stop for a moment and really think about it- I am a bit of an impostor in this arena if I cannot say the same things to myself. If I cannot follow my own advice. The conversation that spawned this whole diatribe in my brain started out as a discussion about learning what it is to 'be the better man'. We talked about how in life, sometimes our lessons are for higher purpose, and the lesson of 'being the better man' is indeed one of those lessons. The better man embraces situations which would other wise be avoided by a 'lesser man', he deals with things head on and runs from nothing, all the while conducting himself with grace and poise. The better man must not only talk the talk, but follow it with an impressive walk. There is no swagger in the better man's walk, it takes perfect posture, broad shoulders and humility to walk this walk. It wasn't until we ended the discussion and he posed the idea that I should learn to speak to myself in the same way I speak to others that I realized- I cannot be the better man until I can walk that walk in my own life. So, I raise my glass to all of you that not only talk the talk of wisdom, but walk the walk of the better man- thanks for being such bright, shining lights of example in the world.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Distance Equals Rate Times Time
So I ran across an Oscar Wilde quote yesterday- "How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being." And it stuck with me. I chewed on it yesterday and I am still chewing on it today...
Sure, it runs a bit counter intuitive to my whole there is no such thing as a unique individual, but it brings up a good point. In life, be it friendships or relationships, do we not seek out those people who make us feel as though we are important to them? I know this is the way I treat my friends, and when I am in a relationship, I am always vying to let my significant other know their significance in my life. I think at the root of human nature there are a few core needs we all want/need met. After our basic needs of shelter, food, and physical security there are these vast needs that many of us either ignore, run away from or pretend don't exist in some fashion.
We all have a need for human interaction, and coupled with that is a need for connection and love. That is why nearly all of us seek out mates. Humans are not meant to go through life alone- if we were then you could stick a human baby out in the woods and they would survive. Nope, we need companionship on so many levels- it feeds us at the soul level. Now, of course, friends can help to meet that connection need, family can meet some of the love need, but for most of us, at some point we will seek out a 'better half'. Obviously, meeting this need has gotten wholly more complex in the last 50 or so years- hell even more so in the last 20 years. With the divorce rate soaring and a generation of children of divorce at the life partner seeking age, there is more pressure now than ever to 'get it right', find that perfect partner, not repeat the mistakes of our parents... etc.
It seems to me that most of my friends began that lifelong partnership journey within the last 5-10 years. I boarded that train a few times, but quickly disembarked for one reason or another, most of those that I had begun the journey with continued on and are now living the lives they had dreamed of all along- which makes me happy for them and content in my decision not to take the journey with them. Looking at all of this through the lens of solo life; it looks much different now then it did, five or ten years ago. My perspective has changed quite a bit... what I used to think I wanted in a partner for the journey now seems so silly and shallow...
I am sure that shift in perspective goes hand in hand with age and experience. I have had many, many experiences in the last decade, and those experiences have influenced the way in which I see the world, and more importantly the way that I see myself. Where ten years ago it was about the relationship, today it is about the partnership, and in my mind the two are extremely different. I consider myself lucky to have examples of both partnerships and relationships all around me... some are the kind of amazing partnerships I hope to have someday. Some are distant, disconnected, relationships of convenience which remind me why it is important to be patient, and wait for the former to come around. Some partners treat each other as though the other is the most important person in the world, they remind their partners and themselves everyday how lucky they are to have found each other- they take little to nothing for granted and find tremendous amounts of happiness in the everyday details with their partner because they adore them, everything in their lives is that much sweeter just because the other person is there. Other relationships seem to be threaded together out of social or financial convenience...they have boarded the train together and now, even though they are clearly unhappy the life they have with mortgages, car notes, children and friend groups seems impossible to unravel for something as trite as happiness. So, together they will remain in their individual misery.
Those relationships where the two people are happy and fulfilled by each other are harder to come by for one simple reason- it is so much easier to settle for whatever comes your way, to talk yourself into this is how it is. I have said it before, I will say it again, a thousand times more if that is what it takes for ME to get it... the reason we are not all GREAT, the reason we do not all live GREAT lives is because sometimes, what we see as perfectly normal is good enough. But I want to be great, I want greatness for others in my life. I have to keep reminding myself of the perseverance and tenacity that it takes to travel the long and sometimes weary road to greatness. And I will not settle for good enough in this sense. This is my life. This is your life. Struggle a little, reap the benefits that are sown by hard work and awareness. Savor every little moment... appreciate every lesson you possibly can. Don't settle for perfectly normal when greatness is within reach... and it always is, right within your reach. I will never claim it to be an easy journey, but thankfully I am seem to always be reminded that life can be an amazing journey.
I realize that sometimes these ramblings get a bit preachy, I am preaching more to myself, but if any of my life lessons can help someone else-right on! I have to remind myself FREQUENTLY of the ultimate goal. Speaking to my b.f.a.m. the other day, he reminded me that there are some lessons in life that we may have to learn multiple times and all we could both do is laugh. Because I am the girl who has to learn things not only the hard way, but generally I have to learn it a number of times before it sticks. Thanks to all of you out there, whether or not I know you, whether or not we have even met, thanks for living lives of greatness to remind those of us who need a little refresher once and a while, it can be done.
Sure, it runs a bit counter intuitive to my whole there is no such thing as a unique individual, but it brings up a good point. In life, be it friendships or relationships, do we not seek out those people who make us feel as though we are important to them? I know this is the way I treat my friends, and when I am in a relationship, I am always vying to let my significant other know their significance in my life. I think at the root of human nature there are a few core needs we all want/need met. After our basic needs of shelter, food, and physical security there are these vast needs that many of us either ignore, run away from or pretend don't exist in some fashion.
We all have a need for human interaction, and coupled with that is a need for connection and love. That is why nearly all of us seek out mates. Humans are not meant to go through life alone- if we were then you could stick a human baby out in the woods and they would survive. Nope, we need companionship on so many levels- it feeds us at the soul level. Now, of course, friends can help to meet that connection need, family can meet some of the love need, but for most of us, at some point we will seek out a 'better half'. Obviously, meeting this need has gotten wholly more complex in the last 50 or so years- hell even more so in the last 20 years. With the divorce rate soaring and a generation of children of divorce at the life partner seeking age, there is more pressure now than ever to 'get it right', find that perfect partner, not repeat the mistakes of our parents... etc.
It seems to me that most of my friends began that lifelong partnership journey within the last 5-10 years. I boarded that train a few times, but quickly disembarked for one reason or another, most of those that I had begun the journey with continued on and are now living the lives they had dreamed of all along- which makes me happy for them and content in my decision not to take the journey with them. Looking at all of this through the lens of solo life; it looks much different now then it did, five or ten years ago. My perspective has changed quite a bit... what I used to think I wanted in a partner for the journey now seems so silly and shallow...
I am sure that shift in perspective goes hand in hand with age and experience. I have had many, many experiences in the last decade, and those experiences have influenced the way in which I see the world, and more importantly the way that I see myself. Where ten years ago it was about the relationship, today it is about the partnership, and in my mind the two are extremely different. I consider myself lucky to have examples of both partnerships and relationships all around me... some are the kind of amazing partnerships I hope to have someday. Some are distant, disconnected, relationships of convenience which remind me why it is important to be patient, and wait for the former to come around. Some partners treat each other as though the other is the most important person in the world, they remind their partners and themselves everyday how lucky they are to have found each other- they take little to nothing for granted and find tremendous amounts of happiness in the everyday details with their partner because they adore them, everything in their lives is that much sweeter just because the other person is there. Other relationships seem to be threaded together out of social or financial convenience...they have boarded the train together and now, even though they are clearly unhappy the life they have with mortgages, car notes, children and friend groups seems impossible to unravel for something as trite as happiness. So, together they will remain in their individual misery.
Those relationships where the two people are happy and fulfilled by each other are harder to come by for one simple reason- it is so much easier to settle for whatever comes your way, to talk yourself into this is how it is. I have said it before, I will say it again, a thousand times more if that is what it takes for ME to get it... the reason we are not all GREAT, the reason we do not all live GREAT lives is because sometimes, what we see as perfectly normal is good enough. But I want to be great, I want greatness for others in my life. I have to keep reminding myself of the perseverance and tenacity that it takes to travel the long and sometimes weary road to greatness. And I will not settle for good enough in this sense. This is my life. This is your life. Struggle a little, reap the benefits that are sown by hard work and awareness. Savor every little moment... appreciate every lesson you possibly can. Don't settle for perfectly normal when greatness is within reach... and it always is, right within your reach. I will never claim it to be an easy journey, but thankfully I am seem to always be reminded that life can be an amazing journey.
I realize that sometimes these ramblings get a bit preachy, I am preaching more to myself, but if any of my life lessons can help someone else-right on! I have to remind myself FREQUENTLY of the ultimate goal. Speaking to my b.f.a.m. the other day, he reminded me that there are some lessons in life that we may have to learn multiple times and all we could both do is laugh. Because I am the girl who has to learn things not only the hard way, but generally I have to learn it a number of times before it sticks. Thanks to all of you out there, whether or not I know you, whether or not we have even met, thanks for living lives of greatness to remind those of us who need a little refresher once and a while, it can be done.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Gratitude
I have been struggling with a bunch of life stuff lately as if those of you who read this regularly could not have guessed. I am grateful for the struggle, for sure. Without that struggle, growth is impossible and complacency inevitable, but it is sometimes tiring and draining, so I thought I would remind myself of the people in my life who have been and continue to be so incredibly supportive... both so I remember that I am not alone, and so that those people know how grateful I am for them.
The first two people on my list... my parents. These are about the most solid two people you will ever meet. They are kind, generous, loyal and encouraging. My mother has given me the gift of perseverance and determination. My father has shown me what it is to be fair, while also sticking to my guns. There is no doubt in my mind that without these two, I probably would not be here today. Both of them have loved and accepted me through all the trials and tribulations I subjected them to, far more than most parents ever have to deal with, trust me. As they have helped me grow, I too have been privy to experiencing their growth as well. As I was adopted, it makes it that much more intense that my parents would be a part of my soul tribe. I truly believe that we were fated to be together as a family. The bond we share is so much stronger than blood or genetics, we are connected at the soul level, and anyone who knows my parents and I's relationship could attest to this. We are a pretty tight unit, something I resented in my teens, but am endlessly grateful for now.
Next, my brother from another mother. We met about 15 years ago and have had that sibling connection from almost the start. I do not know what it is, perhaps the fact that we are both only children...although I would venture to believe that there is something more to it, something I cannot put into words. This guy is the epitome of big brother; when we were younger, he pieced me back together on multiple occasions after this stupid boy or that failed relationship shattered me to bits. He, like my parents, has allowed me to fall on my face when I needed to, and has always been there to pick me up off the ground and dust me off. He continues to show me what it is to be a true and authentic person. He holds himself to the highest of standards in all areas of life. He is fair minded, gentle hearted, caring and loyal. He is the truest friend and best big brother ANYONE could ever ask for, and I am a better person for knowing him. Much like the relationship with my parents, he and I have trudged through some pretty heavy stuff... stuff that would break a normal pair of friends up. We have gone through losses, gains, trials, triumphs and through it all we have become all the more close and connected. There is no other explanation for this guy, other than the fact that he is a member of my soul tribe. I could not mention him without mentioning his lovely fiance, talk about one hell of a strong, determined, independent lady! In the short time I have known her I have come to believe there is no doubt that they not only belong together, but that she too is a part of my soul tribe. She makes him happy and has embraced me with open arms. In just a little over a year, I feel as though I have known her my entire lifetime. Not only has she enriched his life, but I can vehemently say, she has done the same for me.
And, as I have a brother from another mother, I also have a sister from another mother. She and I have known each other for just as long... she was the bright, shining, ray of hope when I was an angsty teenager. I gave this girl every opportunity to judge me, resent me or hate me and she did nothing but support me. She still does today, she is one of a handful of people I feel comfortable telling anything to and I never have any fear that it will be repeated or held against me. She listens and offers genuine, compassionate advice and has never once told me 'I told you so' even though she is right about what I do and what will happen, far more often than I am. She is the kind of friend whom I can go weeks, months even, without speaking to, but just as soon as we re-connect it is as if no time has passed at all. I have learned from her how to slow my roll, get out of my head and think with both my brain and my heart. When I grow up, I hope to be the kind of true lady she is.
Next, is someone I have known for half as long as those first few people. She is younger, but has a truly old and wise soul. Since knowing her I have learned a lot. I have learned that true friendships cannot be broken off because one is growing and the other has no patience. I have come to realize what it is to be conscious in life and in my interactions with other humans. I have come to know what it is to JUST LISTEN, because sometimes there is no need for advice. Sometimes what we need is the presence of a soul from our tribe to love and embrace you exactly where you are. She has shown me what it is to experience true empathy, she has shown me that nothing in my life is ever as cut and dry as I try to pretend it to be, and most of all, she has held a mirror up in front of me so that I may see who I really am, and I feel as though all of these things are seriously reciprocal, where others have modeled things for me to learn, she has modeled things for me to see that are already within me. How blessed I am to have found her.
Obviously, there are others in my life who contribute in deep and rich ways, this is by no means an exhaustive list. Thanks to each of you who impact my life in a positive way everyday. None of us are or ever will be perfect, but some of us do our part to love one another by supporting each other right where we are at- I am grateful not only for those people in my life, but also for the continuing awareness of the people in my soul tribe. If you haven't lately, take a moment to appreciate those people who make your life richer by being in it.
The first two people on my list... my parents. These are about the most solid two people you will ever meet. They are kind, generous, loyal and encouraging. My mother has given me the gift of perseverance and determination. My father has shown me what it is to be fair, while also sticking to my guns. There is no doubt in my mind that without these two, I probably would not be here today. Both of them have loved and accepted me through all the trials and tribulations I subjected them to, far more than most parents ever have to deal with, trust me. As they have helped me grow, I too have been privy to experiencing their growth as well. As I was adopted, it makes it that much more intense that my parents would be a part of my soul tribe. I truly believe that we were fated to be together as a family. The bond we share is so much stronger than blood or genetics, we are connected at the soul level, and anyone who knows my parents and I's relationship could attest to this. We are a pretty tight unit, something I resented in my teens, but am endlessly grateful for now.
Next, my brother from another mother. We met about 15 years ago and have had that sibling connection from almost the start. I do not know what it is, perhaps the fact that we are both only children...although I would venture to believe that there is something more to it, something I cannot put into words. This guy is the epitome of big brother; when we were younger, he pieced me back together on multiple occasions after this stupid boy or that failed relationship shattered me to bits. He, like my parents, has allowed me to fall on my face when I needed to, and has always been there to pick me up off the ground and dust me off. He continues to show me what it is to be a true and authentic person. He holds himself to the highest of standards in all areas of life. He is fair minded, gentle hearted, caring and loyal. He is the truest friend and best big brother ANYONE could ever ask for, and I am a better person for knowing him. Much like the relationship with my parents, he and I have trudged through some pretty heavy stuff... stuff that would break a normal pair of friends up. We have gone through losses, gains, trials, triumphs and through it all we have become all the more close and connected. There is no other explanation for this guy, other than the fact that he is a member of my soul tribe. I could not mention him without mentioning his lovely fiance, talk about one hell of a strong, determined, independent lady! In the short time I have known her I have come to believe there is no doubt that they not only belong together, but that she too is a part of my soul tribe. She makes him happy and has embraced me with open arms. In just a little over a year, I feel as though I have known her my entire lifetime. Not only has she enriched his life, but I can vehemently say, she has done the same for me.
And, as I have a brother from another mother, I also have a sister from another mother. She and I have known each other for just as long... she was the bright, shining, ray of hope when I was an angsty teenager. I gave this girl every opportunity to judge me, resent me or hate me and she did nothing but support me. She still does today, she is one of a handful of people I feel comfortable telling anything to and I never have any fear that it will be repeated or held against me. She listens and offers genuine, compassionate advice and has never once told me 'I told you so' even though she is right about what I do and what will happen, far more often than I am. She is the kind of friend whom I can go weeks, months even, without speaking to, but just as soon as we re-connect it is as if no time has passed at all. I have learned from her how to slow my roll, get out of my head and think with both my brain and my heart. When I grow up, I hope to be the kind of true lady she is.
Next, is someone I have known for half as long as those first few people. She is younger, but has a truly old and wise soul. Since knowing her I have learned a lot. I have learned that true friendships cannot be broken off because one is growing and the other has no patience. I have come to realize what it is to be conscious in life and in my interactions with other humans. I have come to know what it is to JUST LISTEN, because sometimes there is no need for advice. Sometimes what we need is the presence of a soul from our tribe to love and embrace you exactly where you are. She has shown me what it is to experience true empathy, she has shown me that nothing in my life is ever as cut and dry as I try to pretend it to be, and most of all, she has held a mirror up in front of me so that I may see who I really am, and I feel as though all of these things are seriously reciprocal, where others have modeled things for me to learn, she has modeled things for me to see that are already within me. How blessed I am to have found her.
Obviously, there are others in my life who contribute in deep and rich ways, this is by no means an exhaustive list. Thanks to each of you who impact my life in a positive way everyday. None of us are or ever will be perfect, but some of us do our part to love one another by supporting each other right where we are at- I am grateful not only for those people in my life, but also for the continuing awareness of the people in my soul tribe. If you haven't lately, take a moment to appreciate those people who make your life richer by being in it.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
The Generic Specific
Do you remember having it all figured out between the ages of 13-20? Well, I do. I remember feeling as though I knew exactly how things would unfold...from moment to moment at least- because I never really thought more than a moment or two in advance... my version of planning rarely moved beyond the sunset of the present day. And life seemed fairly simple. There was little reason to worry when all I ever thought about was the here and now. And, for that time in my life, that sort of non-planning worked.
As I come barreling down the home-stretch of 30 I am beginning to realize that at some point in life that spontaneity had to change. Not that I can never be spontaneous, more that I can no longer live my life ONLY in the moment. This is a slightly different concept than the one I preach about being present in the moment... it is true that we must be present in each moment or life will most certainly pass us by... but I think it is also true that life will pass us by if we never take the time to think and plan for a future.
I have had numerous conversations with people on both sides of this fence... the "Live for the moment!" camp offers some compelling ideas, some of which I subscribe to, but the "Think about your future" folks may be on to something as well. While I have only began the process of thinking about my future in any formal sense of the words in the last couple of years, I find the more time that passes, the more things become clearer. For one thing, these two camps of thought butt heads quite a bit. I think it is has something to do with the developmental leap of faith required to jump from never thinking beyond the present day to planning what you want for your life in years to come.
I have seen friendships, marriages, and careers dissolve over this very conundrum. Hell, if I am truly honest, I have left several jobs, and a number of relationships for the same reason. And, I will tell ya, when you are firmly planted in the live for the moment camp, those people in the getting my shit together camp seem all together insane. Now that I have uprooted my own personal campsite, I am beiginning to see things on the flip side of the argument. I am starting to understand some of what I used to call rubbish... It is actually important to have some type of plan... not to be swallowed up by what if scenarios, but at least to acknowledge that they are possibilities.
And anyone who knows me, knows how very close me and my friend De-nial are. I love to not deal with things by pretending they are not happening... ignorance is bliss right?! And, if I don't think about it now, at least I can be happy for the moment... until the moment comes when I can no longer ignore whatever it is anymore... and then I HAVE to deal with it. So I guess part of my admittance into the get your shit together club will have to involve breaking it off with my old friend Dee. Shit happens, things change- and further, they rarely change in the ways in which I want, or think they should. So, suck it up buttercup, things are gunna be just fine; how quickly you forget that you are the only one who can get you where you want to go.
As I come barreling down the home-stretch of 30 I am beginning to realize that at some point in life that spontaneity had to change. Not that I can never be spontaneous, more that I can no longer live my life ONLY in the moment. This is a slightly different concept than the one I preach about being present in the moment... it is true that we must be present in each moment or life will most certainly pass us by... but I think it is also true that life will pass us by if we never take the time to think and plan for a future.
I have had numerous conversations with people on both sides of this fence... the "Live for the moment!" camp offers some compelling ideas, some of which I subscribe to, but the "Think about your future" folks may be on to something as well. While I have only began the process of thinking about my future in any formal sense of the words in the last couple of years, I find the more time that passes, the more things become clearer. For one thing, these two camps of thought butt heads quite a bit. I think it is has something to do with the developmental leap of faith required to jump from never thinking beyond the present day to planning what you want for your life in years to come.
I have seen friendships, marriages, and careers dissolve over this very conundrum. Hell, if I am truly honest, I have left several jobs, and a number of relationships for the same reason. And, I will tell ya, when you are firmly planted in the live for the moment camp, those people in the getting my shit together camp seem all together insane. Now that I have uprooted my own personal campsite, I am beiginning to see things on the flip side of the argument. I am starting to understand some of what I used to call rubbish... It is actually important to have some type of plan... not to be swallowed up by what if scenarios, but at least to acknowledge that they are possibilities.
And anyone who knows me, knows how very close me and my friend De-nial are. I love to not deal with things by pretending they are not happening... ignorance is bliss right?! And, if I don't think about it now, at least I can be happy for the moment... until the moment comes when I can no longer ignore whatever it is anymore... and then I HAVE to deal with it. So I guess part of my admittance into the get your shit together club will have to involve breaking it off with my old friend Dee. Shit happens, things change- and further, they rarely change in the ways in which I want, or think they should. So, suck it up buttercup, things are gunna be just fine; how quickly you forget that you are the only one who can get you where you want to go.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Adrenaline
In the last two weeks I have been driven by pure adrenaline-work has been super-crazy-busy and I like it that way... although I don't know that others close to me do... I will be the first to admit that I allow stress to wind me so tight that I am seconds from snapping at any moment. I know this is not really all that good for my body, mind or spirit, but it has been the way I function for a long, long time. I also know that this causes stress to others around me... people tip-toe, they walk softly so as not to crunch the eggshells I have surrounded myself with. Some do their best to support me in whatever way they can, others keep their distance and wait for the stress storm to subside; and I get it. There are a couple things about this whole scenario that bother me.
First- I do not think it fair that others should have to adjust how they interact with me based upon my stress level. The truth is, it is my stress and no one else should have to bare any brunt of it, this is something I really need to stay on top of, it is not okay to project my crap on anyone else in any other life situation, and this is no exception. I need to remember, even in the moments where I can cut the tension within myself with a knife, that whatever it is that I am letting get to me is no where near as important as I am making it out to be... I need to remember that this moment, like all the rest, will come and it will go and the chances of that one moment or situation making or breaking me are really pretty slim.
Secondly, I need to address the whole issue of being driven my adrenaline, this goes hand and hand with not stressing about stupid things that are out of my control. It's funny how stress and adrenaline can focus a person, although it is rarely good focus. Stress produces the kind of tunnel vision focus that can make one (me in particular) lose focus on all other things. I am probably the text book definition of the task master- give me a task and I will tackle it to completion... give me a problem and I will exert all my energies into solving it. And until the task is complete or the problem is solved, I see nothing but that task at hand... I get tunnel vision to the point where the house could burn down around me, or something much more important could pop up and I will see nothing but that problem in front of me. So, what happens is this- while I am so focused on whatever it is right in front of me, life continues to happen...with or without my attention. And then, the stress is removed, the problem is solved, the task completed and suddenly- my adrenaline drains.
It's an odd and disheartening feeling when the adrenaline goes away... suddenly the seemingly endless stream of energy I had is tapped out. The stream, the well, and the lake are all dry. And I am left standing there, with an insatiable thirst. And I am completely exhausted... putting one foot in front of the other seems an insurmountable task... and the weight of the life that continued to happen while I was caught up in task mastering is almost unbearable. I focus my life on the build up of this one thing- I eat, sleep, and breath nothing but this one thing. And then, that one thing comes and goes and I am left in the aftermath of the stress tornado I constructed in my life. Sounds fancy eh? Glamorous, even inspiring. No. Even as I type these words I am thinking to myself... Why do I do that? Why subject myself (and those closest to me) to such a roller coaster ride?
The only answer I have is that like any junkie, I love the rush. The high I get from the adrenaline produced in stressful situations is unmatched by any drug I have ever experienced... the come down unfortunately, is the same though. After riding high for a while, there is no where left to go but down. And, I come down like any other addict I have ever met... pissed off and wanting to get back to that place I once was. All my other 'demons' come out to play because I am at such a point of vulnerability. I am angry about this, pissed off about that, this person sucks at life, that person has no clue, and then it hits me... all of my fingers are pointed at ME! I have fallen victim to the vortex of my own life yet again. And I laugh-this time at myself, long and hard. We humans, we do this stuff ALL THE TIME. Sure, my adrenaline ride may look different than your love roller coaster, or the next guy's version... but we all do it, we all step onto the subject-myself-to whatever ride.
Some people have mastered the ride, they are aware of when and where the ride begins, they step on and off at will, and they enjoy it while it lasts. Some of us find ourselves on a train that is barreling down the tracks at mach speed and can figure no way off except to jump whilst the train is still at full speed. Other's figure the train will come into a station eventually and wait patiently for the 'right' time to disembark. The point is, that we all ride. And what I am coming to believe is that the ride doesn't always have to be painful or destructive...it can be enjoyable and illuminating... if I let it.
First- I do not think it fair that others should have to adjust how they interact with me based upon my stress level. The truth is, it is my stress and no one else should have to bare any brunt of it, this is something I really need to stay on top of, it is not okay to project my crap on anyone else in any other life situation, and this is no exception. I need to remember, even in the moments where I can cut the tension within myself with a knife, that whatever it is that I am letting get to me is no where near as important as I am making it out to be... I need to remember that this moment, like all the rest, will come and it will go and the chances of that one moment or situation making or breaking me are really pretty slim.
Secondly, I need to address the whole issue of being driven my adrenaline, this goes hand and hand with not stressing about stupid things that are out of my control. It's funny how stress and adrenaline can focus a person, although it is rarely good focus. Stress produces the kind of tunnel vision focus that can make one (me in particular) lose focus on all other things. I am probably the text book definition of the task master- give me a task and I will tackle it to completion... give me a problem and I will exert all my energies into solving it. And until the task is complete or the problem is solved, I see nothing but that task at hand... I get tunnel vision to the point where the house could burn down around me, or something much more important could pop up and I will see nothing but that problem in front of me. So, what happens is this- while I am so focused on whatever it is right in front of me, life continues to happen...with or without my attention. And then, the stress is removed, the problem is solved, the task completed and suddenly- my adrenaline drains.
It's an odd and disheartening feeling when the adrenaline goes away... suddenly the seemingly endless stream of energy I had is tapped out. The stream, the well, and the lake are all dry. And I am left standing there, with an insatiable thirst. And I am completely exhausted... putting one foot in front of the other seems an insurmountable task... and the weight of the life that continued to happen while I was caught up in task mastering is almost unbearable. I focus my life on the build up of this one thing- I eat, sleep, and breath nothing but this one thing. And then, that one thing comes and goes and I am left in the aftermath of the stress tornado I constructed in my life. Sounds fancy eh? Glamorous, even inspiring. No. Even as I type these words I am thinking to myself... Why do I do that? Why subject myself (and those closest to me) to such a roller coaster ride?
The only answer I have is that like any junkie, I love the rush. The high I get from the adrenaline produced in stressful situations is unmatched by any drug I have ever experienced... the come down unfortunately, is the same though. After riding high for a while, there is no where left to go but down. And, I come down like any other addict I have ever met... pissed off and wanting to get back to that place I once was. All my other 'demons' come out to play because I am at such a point of vulnerability. I am angry about this, pissed off about that, this person sucks at life, that person has no clue, and then it hits me... all of my fingers are pointed at ME! I have fallen victim to the vortex of my own life yet again. And I laugh-this time at myself, long and hard. We humans, we do this stuff ALL THE TIME. Sure, my adrenaline ride may look different than your love roller coaster, or the next guy's version... but we all do it, we all step onto the subject-myself-to whatever ride.
Some people have mastered the ride, they are aware of when and where the ride begins, they step on and off at will, and they enjoy it while it lasts. Some of us find ourselves on a train that is barreling down the tracks at mach speed and can figure no way off except to jump whilst the train is still at full speed. Other's figure the train will come into a station eventually and wait patiently for the 'right' time to disembark. The point is, that we all ride. And what I am coming to believe is that the ride doesn't always have to be painful or destructive...it can be enjoyable and illuminating... if I let it.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Where Does the Time Go?
This is not an easy question to answer. After a conversation last night about timing, I got to thinking about this concept. I originally stated that I thought there was no such thing as good timing. I was challenged on this point, and now I am thinking a bit differently. While I do believe there is really no such thing as good timing, I also do believe that any given situation IS all about timing. And that there is no such thing as a coincidence... Phrases like 'Man, that was good timing', really mean that whatever happened was meant to be, in my mind.
The frustrating thing is that timing doesn't always sync up with any given person's idea of what we want and when, and then we are back to the paradox of patience versus waiting. Timing is one of those things makes me feel uneasy and unsure of myself... is this right, at this moment? I used to be much more sure footed when it came to just going with my gut, but lately I find myself right on the verge of going with my gut and then a flood of thoughts clouds my judgment... I factor in consequences, possible repercussions and what effect my actions could have on other people. And I pretty much hate it. I feel as though I spend all of my time wondering about what ifs and end up spinning my wheels as opposed to taking action and actually doing something.
This is not really who I am. I am the throw caution to the wind girl. I am consequences be damned. Feel your way through life, if it feels good it must be good, I am the jump first, look during free fall, land on your feet kind of girl. I never thought about how awareness in other areas would effect the core of how I live my life. And while I do hate cautionary me, I do know that at least some parts of her are a good change. I just feel like I may have gone a bit too far to the other side. Where I used to jump without looking I now do not jump at all. I want to get back to the space where I can jump if it seems worth it after an initial look-see... gives a whole new meaning to all or nothing eh?
Awareness is a good thing to have, so that when the timing is right I CAN actually realize it. I just need to exorcise the mental clutter that is currently in my way. I think that kind of mental exorcism could benefit me in multiple ways, not least of all with the ability to have more patience, which seems to run ever more short all the time. I think I will start by curbing my mental masturbation; I have been spending far too much time swimming around in the scenes I create in my mind...if I were a visionary I would make pretty amazing movies. But, since I am not, I need to realize that creating all that stuff in my head is dangerous with no apparent outlet- creative or otherwise for it.
Time flies when you aren't paying attention, that is where it goes. The time is now. The place is here. The moment is upon you. So reach out and grab what it is that is staring you in the face. Hold it in front of you and EMBRACE IT!!! A hint of skepticism is good for us all every now and then, but don't let that skepticism keep you from jumping. After all, some of the best timing in life, happens in those unscheduled moments of free fall.
The frustrating thing is that timing doesn't always sync up with any given person's idea of what we want and when, and then we are back to the paradox of patience versus waiting. Timing is one of those things makes me feel uneasy and unsure of myself... is this right, at this moment? I used to be much more sure footed when it came to just going with my gut, but lately I find myself right on the verge of going with my gut and then a flood of thoughts clouds my judgment... I factor in consequences, possible repercussions and what effect my actions could have on other people. And I pretty much hate it. I feel as though I spend all of my time wondering about what ifs and end up spinning my wheels as opposed to taking action and actually doing something.
This is not really who I am. I am the throw caution to the wind girl. I am consequences be damned. Feel your way through life, if it feels good it must be good, I am the jump first, look during free fall, land on your feet kind of girl. I never thought about how awareness in other areas would effect the core of how I live my life. And while I do hate cautionary me, I do know that at least some parts of her are a good change. I just feel like I may have gone a bit too far to the other side. Where I used to jump without looking I now do not jump at all. I want to get back to the space where I can jump if it seems worth it after an initial look-see... gives a whole new meaning to all or nothing eh?
Awareness is a good thing to have, so that when the timing is right I CAN actually realize it. I just need to exorcise the mental clutter that is currently in my way. I think that kind of mental exorcism could benefit me in multiple ways, not least of all with the ability to have more patience, which seems to run ever more short all the time. I think I will start by curbing my mental masturbation; I have been spending far too much time swimming around in the scenes I create in my mind...if I were a visionary I would make pretty amazing movies. But, since I am not, I need to realize that creating all that stuff in my head is dangerous with no apparent outlet- creative or otherwise for it.
Time flies when you aren't paying attention, that is where it goes. The time is now. The place is here. The moment is upon you. So reach out and grab what it is that is staring you in the face. Hold it in front of you and EMBRACE IT!!! A hint of skepticism is good for us all every now and then, but don't let that skepticism keep you from jumping. After all, some of the best timing in life, happens in those unscheduled moments of free fall.
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