Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Fireflies of the Soul

Today is day 2 of a 21 day 'cleanse'.  Nothing too crazy... just eating clean, cutting out booze, and making a commitment to get back to some of the self care stuff I have slacked off on these last few months.  Hopefully the next few weeks will give me back some energy, patience, clarity and awareness...a little reset, if you will.  The first three days are always the hardest for me... my body and brain are working overtime to pump out all the toxic shit I have been collecting in them for the last several months... I do this 2 or three times a year... generally spring and fall, and I sometimes wonder what it would be like if I could just stick to it as opposed to jumping on and off and on again... I suppose self discipline for me comes in incremental doses, alternated with periods of self indulgence.

I have been called 'overly sensitive', emotional, hell- even crazy.  I have written about the intensity that comes with feeling all the feels, it's exhausting sometimes, beautiful other times, and sometimes it's confusing.  It takes an immense amount of energy and vigilance to consistently monitor what I am taking in and also what I am filtering out.  And because I have been burned pretty hard before with respect to being authentic with people about it... I often am not.  I scale back, I hide, work hard at only letting parts of myself come through. It's a tough spot to be in sometimes.  Sometimes, it's lonely and frustrating.  Sometimes I want so desperately to just let it all out... and sometimes I do let it all out... I will hop on here and write, or lose myself in a great book or I will meditate or walk or cook... occasionally parts of it trickle out in conversation... sometimes the flood gates open and it comes out in sobs or laughter, sometimes I just brood quietly. 

For the most part, I have learned how to embrace it (or at the very least, manage it) I have developed an elaborate system of self care that seems to work... when I actually practice it-which of course I fail at often, but hey, we're all human-right? I have written at length about how my self care regiment is an awkward stream of ebb and flow... sometimes I am super on it, sometimes I am not... and the benefits are obvious when I am, the consequences just as obvious when I am not. I suppose I wear a lot more on my sleeve then I would like to admit sometimes. 

I stumbled over this article on Survival of Super Sensitive Souls this morning, it was a nice little reminder that I am not the only one who requires a little conscious upkeep.  For the most part, all of those tips are things I do on a regular basis...  I am not always great at recognizing number 4, which is why number 5 on that list is so damned important.  When surrounded by people who understand, the chances of picking up what's not mine or being judged for being who I am diminish and therefore authenticity is almost guaranteed, in time. 

Number 6 is that ebb and flow I was talking about.  When I get stressed, I tend to put self care shit on the back burner, which launches this vicious cycle where I eat shit, don't sleep, and dive further down the rabbit hole of unconsciousness.  This in turn distracts me and allows for people and 'stuff' that isn't mine to sneak in through the window of stress, robbing me of what little energy I have left for myself.  I get run down, overwhelmed, and start making terrible choices and my mood and attitude follow suit... this goes on for days, or weeks or months, until something will finally sound the alarm loud enough for me to stop, take a breath, and actually listen to myself. 

At some point in all of this, I realize that taking care of me requires much less effort than not doing it... even though I may whine and complain to myself about how it seems like consciousness is sometimes the short straw... like those who are living unconsciously seem to have it so much easier, that ignorance does seem to be bliss at times, and why can't I just stick my head in the sand like that person...or why can't someone just take care of me... and then I remember, we all have some beautiful disaster in us, and it's the beauty that makes the disaster worth it.  And then it dawns on me-I am good with taking responsibility for me, because I know I will come through for me. I know that even when it seems pretty deep and dark and self deprecating in my own mind... The darkness provides me with the opportunity to appreciate my soul's fireflies because it's that same darkness that gives them something to illuminate.