Taking a retrospective look at the last year seems daunting. It's daunting, but necessary. A year ago today I began a journey I had begun many times before, the difference this time is that instead of taking a step forward and ten back I took a few more steps forward. Up until a year ago, I could have been described as a serial relationshipist. For nearly 15 years, I swung from one long term relationship to the next. 2 years in one, a year or two in another, three here, another year, four, and so on. Most often said relationships were ended by me, and every time a relationship came to a close I would vow to take some time to really look at myself, figure out who I was, get grounded, blah, blah, blah. And every time that proved to be a false statement... within a week or a month I would be well into my next deal. Each partner was different... VERY different. Polar opposites really. One was too controlling, the next was too smothering, then too detached... BUT, let me just mention from the start... they were all great in one way or another, they each taught me something about myself, each of them handed me a piece to my puzzle, even if I could not see it at the time. This is not a post about my ex lovers, but I think it important to mention credit where credit is due.
After a year alone I have come to realize some important things. They aren't universal truths by any means- but they are truths for me. Truths that have been here all along, it is only now that I am starting to recognize them. First, when a relationship ends, it is necessary to put some serious time in with oneself... something I NEVER did before, no matter how long or brief the period in between partners. I spent all free moments outwardly focused so that I would not have to evaluate what was going on inside me. And even when I was in a deal, I did everything I could to busy myself with others so as not to upset the delicate balance of unrest in my head... I would throw myself into my partner's interests or concern myself with the lives of friends or family, or work, or school. This resulted, shockingly, in failed relationship after failed relationship, and a whole lot of confusion in my own mind.
So, when this last relationship came to it's end, I swore to myself and to those close to me that this time it would indeed be different, that I was committed to myself and would start to cultivate a personal relationship with myself- it's sounds stupid and new-agey even as I type it, but it's true, and that is exactly what I have done in the last 12 months. I have thought and wrote, talked and listened, cried and laughed, taken 2 and 3 steps forward, and then one or two back. I have looked so hard at myself my vision blurred, I have concentrated so hard on the lessons in front of me I nearly missed them. I have made mistakes, won victories, gotten sick, gotten well, been better and been worse. I started becoming vulnerable, for the first time in my adult life. And slowly, like maybe in the last month or so, the fog surrounding the enigma that was me has begun to lift... I am starting to actually see me, and see the way I look at and interact with me.
About a month ago, I was chatting with a friend and her mom about health and what that means, specifically about loosing weight... something I have done more times than I care to inventory. My friends reasoning for loosing weight was to get healthy, her mother agreed. I said that I wanted to loose weight so that I would not hate what I saw every time I looked in the mirror- seemed a reasonable enough answer to me, but apparently not. At once, both mother and daughter snapped there heads around to look at me, as if I surely must've been joking... and I still didn't get it. "What?" I asked. "Surely you don't hate what you see every time you look in a mirror!" The mother gasped. "Well yeah, I do." I said, beginning to feel as if I may have given an un-fit answer, but still super puzzled. I thought everyone attached their self worth to what they saw in the mirror...
And so, I took the whole conversation home with me that night, and I let it all sink it. In the morning I awoke with a strange epiphany-like feeling... "I hate myself?!" I thought. "Wow, I do. I hate myself. Holy fucking shit. I hate myself!!!!" It seems a bit emo to be so excited over discovering one's own self hatred, I know... but this was big. I had never really and truly grasped that concept, or what it meant in the context of my life... the self hatred was the result of a lifetime of pre-programming and brain washing. Subliminally, I had soaked in all of those ridiculous messages the media throws out for us to catch... The perfect woman looks this way, acts this way, and on and on. It's freaky that all of this propaganda got to me on such a deep level I wasn't even aware, I had essentially bought into the hype without ever having made a conscious decision to do so...And let me add that this is not some "Woe is me, I hate my life" sort of thing. No, this runs much deeper, so deep that I did not even know it was there until I began clearing the mental clutter I had collected to hide from myself. And further, while on the surface, to me this issue appeared to be about outward appearance, a closer look has revealed that it has nothing to do with the way I look on the outside, if I do not get right with the way I feel inwardly, than my appearance to myself will always be distorted.
But now, things are making so much more sense... now I am beginning to recognize what was going on all those years... I used relationships as a way to validate who I am as a woman, who I am as a person... I used the relationships to feel needed, wanted, appreciated, and loved. Talk about looking for love in all the wrong places! And all the while I knew something wasn't right... I never felt particularly fulfilled, in fact- most often I felt like a foreigner in my own skin... because I was seeking all the right things in all the wrong places. I knew I needed to develop a relationship with myself, but never knew how or why really. And this isn't a bad thing... there is no one to blame, I am not furious with the media or any thing. I am really just happy to have finally cracked open this window. It is time to air out the back logs of my brain!
Over the last year I have many times felt as though I was on the edge of a big break through, I have written about it many times, but I was never clear on what the break through was or where it would come from... now all the puzzle pieces I have been collecting are beginning to snap together. In the spring, I made the realization that tough bitch had to go, and began making an effort to soften my outer shell. Not long after that, I discovered my wonderwall and had to begin dealing with the dismantle of my own Fort Knox like defenses- these were hard tasks, hell they still are, everyday; and now I am starting to see how all of these things are interconnected to this self hate thing... All the defenses, all of my personas, my whole being, had been carefully crafted by me to protect me from me... crazy huh? Seems as though now that all of that heavy lifting is out of the way, I could perhaps call it done. Lesson learned, moving on.
Not so fast... I am to the point now, that I am beginning to see the relationship between all of these pieces... the awarenesses I have been making are now layering together to reveal something bigger, so no, I am not finished. In fact, as trite as it is to say, I have only just begun. I am now tasked with dismantling the belief system I have created and reorganizing how I think of myself... In order to really make a lasting change in my life I will have to start looking at how I talk to myself, how I treat myself, and how I conduct myself with others. I now get that I have a frightening lack of self esteem... all of those defenses were built to mask that, both from the world and from myself. It's a little scary how much the human psyche resembles an onion... layer built upon layer, built upon layer, and they all have to be tended to if I am truly to flip the script in my life.
So, here I am. A year later, a little more aware, a little more awake, and A LOT more eager to continue on. This solo thing is the toughest thing I have done so far in life, but it is also the most rewarding... knowing is half the battle, and now I know so much more than I did. There's much work yet to be done, but I can honestly say, 365 days later, I am happy with my progress, I am proud of myself, and I am grateful for all of the growth opportunities that I have had in the last year. It's funny how long I waited to understand this lesson, how hard I have struggled to see the obvious, and how empowering it is to FINALLY GET IT. This may take a while, this whole learning to love me thing, but I can already tell how worth it it will be in the end... the only partner I need, and the only one I can truly rely on, is the partnership with myself. And me and myself, we are finished playing against each other, we have joined the same team and have already begun training together. It's won't be long, we will be dominating the court of our life :)
