Feeling the growing pains. It's not as if the pains are tremendously unbearable, but they are for sure uncomfortable. I want to stir my pot so that the pains will go away... even though stirring this stew prematurely could most likely result in ruining it... but I am so impatient. I want things to happen now... It's as if I am discontent if things are not proceeding in my life at a break-neck pace. Someone told me recently that it seems as though I have a hard time just sitting... just being. Unfortunately, I have to say they are correct. I have no idea how to just relax...
I am up by 6 or 6:30 every morning... I am at my desk by 7, 7:30... and for no reason- the only other person in my office doesn't arrive until at least 10, sometimes 11. Even on my days off- I have a tough time staying in bed past 7 most days. I purposely jam 72 things into a day that could comfortably support 50. I should say that it is not as if I am entirely running from something, I spend a majority of my waking hours by myself, and I am good with that, I am good with me... I'm just a busy body- like if I stop for a moment, I may lose my momentum and really just stop... I know that isn't really true, but it is a part of the story I tell myself, the story I construct to motivate myself.
A little motivation is good for me, for everyone I think... but, like all things in life- balance is key, and if there is one solitary thing that I suck at in general it is balance... I am beginning to realize that my inherent need to go, go, go is part of the inner workings of my wonderwall. Even if I say I am ok with me, the rapid pace of flitting from one task to another enables me to continue not being vulnerable... because I never give one person or situation enough time to 'get to me'... at least not in the moment... Oh sure, I am vulnerable in the privacy of my own mind... I allow myself to 'go there' when I am thinking about certain situations, but rarely, if ever do I allow the time in real life interactions for that.
Of course this blog is vulnerability to me- it is a small step- typing these thoughts out so that there is a possibility that others will see it... I know it is no substitute for vulnerability in human interaction, but it is a step, like dangling my toes in the pool to test the water. And since I started this blog I can say that there have been more moments of vulnerability in my real life (ok, not a lot, but some). And let me tell you, those few moments where I have allowed myself to be exposed to someone else have been REALLY SCARY. I have begun to notice how I wonder about other people's intentions... why are they saying this? What is this person's motivation? Where are they coming from? It's a little silly I am sure, for people who may not have this problem... I have lived my life as if it were a game of chess for so long that I do not know what it is like not to play.
I am very afraid that taking this wall down will leave me exposed and defenseless. But then I think- what could be the worst thing about that- really? I do not have an answer for that... taking the wall down doesn't mean I have to melt into a puddle of uncontrolled emotion- all it means is that I can more fully experience the range of human interaction... and what is so bad about that? Nothing I guess, but I am having issues with letting people in to help and it is very difficult to dismantle this wall alone... The first order of business has got to be allowing myself to recruit a crew to help me... It's not that tough, there are people all around me who love me and want to help me- I know that. The problem is bridging the gap between their willingness to help and my willingness to accept that help...
I am the girl people call when they need someone to listen. I am the girl people call when they want to hear some truth. I am not the girl who calls so others will listen, or asks for help... maybe in a select number of situations...I am not a sealed shut envelope, but for things that are deep, the really tough stuff... I sit and struggle alone. Not because my friends would not help, but more because I would rather marinate in this stew alone than request any support...and I preach it like I know it to others...reach out, ask for help, let me know what I can do for you... all the while knowing I would not do the same. And that makes me disingenuous, which is why it is no longer acceptable to talk the talk to others without walking it in my own life.
I have begun to dip more than my toes into this pool, I would say I have maybe gotten up to mid-calf and even mid-thigh a few times... and the water is SHOCKINGLY cold! But, in those few instances where I did let my guard down- even if ever so briefly- it has turned out far better than I imagined. I guess I just expected that person to do what I would do when I feel like I am on the verge of falling into the pool completely- RUN! Run fast, the opposite direction, not looking back at all. But they didn't, instead, they embraced it, which gave me the courage to continue. So thank you for taking my worldview and flipping it upside down so that I can look at my shit with a new and different perspective...and more importantly, thank you for proving me wrong.
Knowing how thick my own wall is, I would assume it takes a great deal of balls to stand at that keyhole opening and shout truths into me like- it has never been about me not being able to let people in or let myself out, its that I refuse to be vulnerable... And so here I am, being that girl who is vulnerable- feeling slightly out of my mind to write all this out in such a revealing way and trying desperately to find a reason not to post this... but for once in my life I will take the advice of someone else... the advice I have given to countless others and just lay it out, where I go from here, I have know idea, but I feel as though this is me climbing the ladder to the high dive, knowing that I can no longer dangle my feet safely on the edge of the pool...
" 'cuz they can call me crazy if I fail, all the chance that I need is one-in-a-million, and they can call me brilliant if I succeed, gravity is nothing to me, moving at the speed of sound, I'm just going to get my feet wet until I drown" Thanks Ani, you always know how to say just what I am thinking.
