Transcendent- beyond consciousness or direct apprehension; free from the limitations inherent in the matter. Its more about traversing the mental terrain of self and less about evolving; life that is. I used to be obsessed with evolving, now my mental onion has peeled off another layer to reveal that evolving is not as simple a process as 'gradual development'. There are a few ingredients needed in order for that development to take place, and transcendence is one of those key ingredients...in order to evolve to a higher level of consciousness one must first transcend the present level of consciousness...
Sounds pretty good in word form. It is actually pretty tough in practice, a process of getting out of your conscious self's way... for the monkey brained, over stimulated, always pinging race that humans are in today's world it is damned near impossible. I was recently reminded of a concept that came to light for me a few years back..the idea of triangulation. Triangulation asserts that the answer to some questions (actually, in my opinion, most of life's conundrums) is not either, or, but both, and. Picture an equilateral triangle... the solutions of A or B are the two at the base... connected by a straight line. After going back and forth between solution A and solution B for a while, and feeling so completely confused... like A is no better than B, so how could I choose either... consider getting to the midpoint and looking up for an alternative solution that seems to encompass both A&B thus creating a third solution in C, or the point to the triangle. That third solution is the essence of transcendence; but it aint easy, which is why we so rarely look for it... although, if, in the the long run, we could stop for a moment and remove ourselves from the tail chasing process of looking at A or B, we would see that C is not necessarily more difficult- just different. Like rubbing your belly and patting your head at the same time... and then switching directions.
I know, I am so fucking prolific! Hahahahahaha!!!! Not really. Because I have had this concept in my brain for sometime now, and it is STILL the absolute last resort for me. In fact, in most cases, I have to be reminded of this option...
Recently someone, ok, ok, MANY people close to me have pointed out that I have been angrier than usual. And, I have been looking at it, but have not been able to get to the heart of why. Every time I try to go back in time and look at it, I come up with some superficial root cause. Then I put a band-aide on that and carry on. And then a week or a month or a year later, the topic comes up again. Someone else puts the subject out in front of me and I am forced to look again... what the fuck is it? Why does this keep coming up? And ya know what, once that triangular solution came to me, I was relieved... well, relieved and pissed. Because that third angle was so fucking obvious that I had long since given up on it, I had checked it off as having been dealt with. After all, it was so infantile. Literally... it goes back to birth. And let me tell you, I have TRUCK LOADS of self judgement about it- which is why I had avoided it as an option in the first place.
But I have had a couple of weeks for this information to set in... And I can say with confidence that it is FOR SURE the wire I have been tripping over for years now... it's what I have many times over explained as the solution I know is right in front of me, but that I cannot quite discern or touch. It's why I am constantly having an inner battle... I have been fighting my whole life between feeling not good enough and too good. And it is the MOTHER LOAD of self sabotage. It has little to do with how any one person has made me feel, because I have spent a lifetime trying to circumvent actually feeling this in real time. What a crazy fucking juxtaposition. When I feel I am not good enough, I act as though I am TOO good, when I feel I am too good, I act like a fucking jackass, no wonder so few people actually know me for who I am. And let me be clear, when I say too good, I don't mean, oh I am better than anyone... I mean holding myself to this insane standard... like not being able to show weakness or vulnerability because I should know better. Like needing desperately to reach out, but not allowing myself to ask for support because I 'should' be able to handle it... and the not good enough side comes in on the heals of those thoughts and says I am a weak fuck anyway for struggling in the first place.
In order to get to point C in this pickle I am going to have to get to a point where I can recognize that I am not either or, but both AND. First, I have to remove the judgement from being either or; then I can embrace that both are totally alright which, will in turn crumble that anger veil I have been wearing in defense of myself.
I find myself increasingly exhausted by keeping up this game of tag with myself. All I want is to let go, but the very essence of letting go scares me into continuing on in this game of self charades. Sometimes all I want is for someone to hold me while I have a really good, gut wrenching cry... but A and B prevent that from happening. C says that is exactly what needs to happen, let go and embrace it at once.... So complex and yet so simple. Ugh, trudge onward lovely, stay as open minded as possible, love yourself as much as you can, even when it seems completely impossible, it is not. Contrary to my confusing inner dialogue, the world will not stop if I breakdown... the good news in all of this is that I am not nearly as important as I think I am... and my own perceived insignificance is not nearly as out in front of the world as I think it is. Transcendence is near....
