Friday, February 25, 2011

Fucking Fishnets and Cigarettes

So, in school this quarter I am taking two courses- one is about identity.  The other is about personality.  No shortage of introspection in these classes... I now know my personality type according to Myers Briggs, my Temperament, my dominant Enneagram description and have begun looking at 'my shadow' according to Carl Jung.  Whew! And, while I don't consider any of these things to be definitive descriptions of myself... they have opened my eyes to much about who I am... How I interact with the world and how the world sees me...

Carl Jung said that it is not our self that we present to the world, but any of various persona's that we develop for ourselves based on the environment we are in... This got me thinking about my persona's as well as the persona's of people I know.  For example-I have two jobs... and at each I have to present a different side of myself... Persona's aren't necessarily being fake; it's more like putting your best face forward in any given situation.  So these various shades of oneself wax and wane throughout life... some come out to play more often then others, and some people have similar shades.  I and a few of my girl friends have the tough bitch persona that we present much of the time (also referred to as the badass card!), we refrain from showing weakness and vulnerability as much as possible- after all, if no one sees your vulnerabilities how can anyone take advantage of you right?

Tough bitch and I have been through a lot, and she has served me fairly well, she's the part of me who walks around in torn fishnet stockings, wearing too much make-up smoking cigarettes like a freight train and cursing at everything. The older I get the more high maintenance she becomes, and the less attractive she becomes to me. It is tough to let her go though, I am not all that familiar of life without her.  Starting this blog has made me a lot more aware of just how much I have depended on tough bitch.  I began this blog with a promise to myself- that I would be honest and not censor myself and that no matter what I needed to just let things flow out... In the last three days I cannot tell you how many times I have broken that promise!  I sit down to write and think... I can't say that.  But I can.  and I will.

I think I am going try something new... it scary to even think about, but I think I am going to let tough bitch take a vacation... As Allyson would say, I am going to move my badass card from my front pocket to my back pocket.  It is still within reach if I need it, but maybe I can learn how to use it less and my vulnerability card more.  No promises- I'm definitely not gunna quit smoking, and fuck is still the most useful utility word in the English language, and let's be honest, fishnets have their uses- in certain places and situations. But I suppose it is worth a try... There is a saying that goes something like- if you want what you have always had, do what you have always done.  Well, I want something different so- I guess I could give doing some things differently a shot.