In the first year I started this blog, I wrote a post about what I call my Soul Tribe. It was an attempt to flesh out the inter-connectivity that I experience in relationships with people... to remind me that in my life I have made some fucking fantastical connections, and I refuse to believe those connections were made coincidentally. I wanted to remind myself that having some of the super deep relationships I have are gifts- ones that if treasured, can lead to more deep connections, in effect, we reap what we sew. So, if I sew the seeds of meaningful interactions a sort of domino effect happens- out of one great connection the energy is spawned to forge other meaningful connections, even if they are seemingly unrelated.
And that is pretty much what continues to happen in my life- my tribe is more abundant today than it was years back when I first wrote about it. What I realize now is that while the magnetism that is pinged out of soul tribe connections is undeniable, it doesn't mean that every magnetic interaction will be with a member of one's soul tribe. In the last 6-8 months this whole concept of attraction (as in who I am attracted to and why) has been a recurring theme for me. It has come to the surface of my consciousnesses that in almost any interaction I have, I am attracted to some intangible aspect of the person. For instance- in a conversation with a stranger, I may be highly attracted to what they say, or more subtly, maybe I am attracted to their body language or their tone. Conversely, there are other instances where something someone does instantly repels me, and I am unlikely to continue a conversation with them or further pursue a friendship. All that said, I would say I consider myself a decent judge of character when it comes to the people I will give my energy to in terms of friendship.
Those same visceral ques I pick up on when conversing with someone on a platonic level seem to get muddled to the point of being indiscernible when it comes to being attracted to a potential romantic partner. Firstly- it's rare that I find someone attractive on a romantic level. I mean sure- I am a 32 year old chick, sexual attractions are copious. Romantic attractions are different. These are the multi-level attractions, where I am interested in what a person has to say, what they think, obviously, being physically attracted to them is important, but it is nearly always secondary... like the attraction to the mind spurs the physical attraction in an almost synergistic way. And looking back, this is the way it has been most of my life. Line up all my past partners and it would be tough to find a physical 'type'.
Really, it's the mind that attracts me to anyone... people who think deeply... people who feel deeply. People who strive to continually experience the depths of what life has to offer. Consciousness. That sort of connection is far more rare and endlessly more desirable to me then some spur-of-the-moment physical attraction. Minds that happen to meet on the same ruminating plain, in the same moment, however brief, vibrating at the same frequency. That's the kind of shit that can make my knees weak. The connections where silence has just as much meaning as the verbal interaction. Where nothing is forced or rehearsed, there is a flow that can be felt between the two people, but the words to describe it escape them.
Since I've hemmed myself up, there have been countless moments where being single has seemed like a real burden... I have thought many times over about how it would be so much easier to accomplish the silly little routine things if I had a significant other- but just as that thought enters my mind, on it's heels I am reminded that my soul tribe is always here for me-my friends who have helped me out in countless ways this last week... It has truly put the whole independence thing into juxtaposition for me. I often pride myself on doing things by myself, Ms. Independent, blah blah blah... but ya know, when I think about it- the whole independence schtick is pretty ego centric. I read somewhere that there is a difference between loneliness and solitude- loneliness is born out of fear, solitude is created out of the confidence in ones self. The former driven by ego, the latter anchored in authenticity... Damn! It seems sometimes like every damned thing I write about is interconnected. Without my soul tribe, I would be dead in the water right now, and it's my tribe that demands authenticity of me. Significant other or not- I have an entire fucking tribe pulling for me- and that, it pretty fucking amazing.
Now, I am reminded just how fucking grateful I am for you all- seriously. I have certainly had my moments of frustration, but when I stop and actually take it all in, I think I needed this little reminder that we're in this together. I needed a little restart with the energy I had been vibrating... out with the stress, out with the ego, in with gratitude. So long as I've got my tribe to feed my soul, things will flow- and there is no need to force any connection-romantic or otherwise.
