In the last year and half I have often shared on here that I felt as though there was a big lesson standing in front of me, just out of my grasp. I have tried to put to words a feeling that was as indescribable as it was persistent...What I am learning is that no lesson is ever singular in nature, they are all interwoven threads that make up our daily lives- and they are ALWAYS there... the tangibility has more to do with the student being conscious than anything else. And, at least for me, I have spent most of my life constantly trying to figure it out and deal with it before the universe deems me ready for it, which is a big part of why I struggle and squirm. In fact, I will go to great lengths to see what the future holds so that I might brace myself for whatever impact there will be of things to come. I talk about letting things happen organically a lot, but talking about it and actually being still to let life unfold in that manner takes an immense amount of practice and a fucking lot of patience! So, as I am thinking this morning about how I need to write all of this down, I read my horoscope...
"The universe rarely outwits you. But since you lost your cheat-sheet this week, you're down here with the rest of us mortals. Try to look at it as a good thing; your tendency to know all the answers ahead of tine was not only obnoxious, it kept you from developing yourself or being challenged at times. Getting an honest score on life's tests will not only earn you valuable self-knowledge, it will bring you closer to the real answers, the ones that will mean something to you, unlike those you lifted straight from the book."
Well, goddamn it. That damned universe, it is always RIGHT ON FUCKING TOP OF IT!!!! That intangible lesson has been right there the whole time...oddly enough, I have many of the clues I have been picking up as well as the ones I have been choosing to ignore, documented on here. Unfortunately, I occasionally fall victim to blissful ignorance, through the beauty of shiny distraction... and anything can be a shiny distraction, if I let it. As I sit here typing, I realize there are distractions just floating in my periphery. Part of me wants to reach out and grab hold of them, so that I can squirm out of this uncomfortable corner it feels as though I have backed myself into. Part of me wants to shrug off this new-found consciousness I have about the lessons staring me down... I want to focus outward and should on people, I want to throw a tantrum about how unfair it is that I have to sit in this space and fucking squirm while others bar hop their way through life, blissfully unaware of how their unconscious actions trample on other people's feelings and BAM!!!!!!!!!! There it is, the distraction trigger is cocked, and all I have to do to pull it is stay right there in outward blame mode.
The truth is, that this has nothing to do with anyone else. It NEVER DOES!!!! The only part the other people play in any situation is that he or she MAY represent an opportunity for me to bring about consciousness within myself on some issue... the choice then, becomes whether I stay with that consciousness or shift the focus to someone or something outside myself and then return to that state of supposed blissful unawareness. And, lets be honest kids, consciousness can be fucking uncomfortable. It's that fire in my belly, or the ache in my heart... It's that feeling that makes me want to run away, or check out. It's a funny thing, I wait for those conscious moments, and then when they come all I want to do is stuff that shit right back in whatever box it came from and NEVER open it again. The truth is, what I want is RARELY what I need. What I want is most always the distraction. But the distraction is the what keeps me from traversing to that next level of consciousness... and if I am truly honest, consciousness in and of itself isn't all that uncomfortable. It's just those tiny, singular moments where the mind gears up for the leap, that are the painful ones...perhaps there is truth in that saying about no pain, no gain.
I, like anybody else, find a comfort zone and want desperately to cling to it. I want to feel the warm embrace of routine, the illusion of security that I fool myself into while I think I have it all figured out. But the universe often has a cunning way of reminding me that I am never as in charge or in the know as I let myself believe. The truth is that all I know and the only person I can speak about is myself. Anything beyond that is a neurotic distraction from the present moment. Outward focus gains nothing, well except for further distracting me from opportunities to transcend. So, in stepping out of my neurotic comfort zone, I choose not to focus on the anger or hurt floating in the periphery, and instead listen to what the universe has to say... A line from a particular Pink song comes to mind; and while the entire song seems so realavant right now, this line in particular keeps standing out to me-
"It takes your breath, and it leaves a scar, but those untouched never got, never got very far..."
I feel as though I am right there, in that moment in my life. I have finally come to that point where I let it take my breath, and yep; it left a scar. But the truth about life is that both the gasp and the scar are necessary and completely worth what I gain from the experience. Avoidance was my cheat-sheet, anger my distraction, and consciousness is my resolution. So my heart may hurt, my belly might ache, but somehow I am at peace with that. I need to remember that the truth is when I make conscious choices, even if I slip back into neurosis, it doesn't have to be permanent.
