Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Crazy Bitches

Crazy bitches. The subject keeps coming up, it's one that has baffled me for most of my life. Yes, I am a girl, but for the most part, I do not understand a majority of my gender.  Being an only child and a self proclaimed daddy's girl, I have been a tom boy all my life.  I preferred hot wheels and remote control cars to barbies, I liked playing in the dirt as opposed to serving tea, and I liked sports more than dance.  In grade school I was friends with two girls, they were the most RUTHLESS bitches I have ever met.  As soon as high school hit, and the pool of friends widened I dropped them (and most girls).  I hate cattiness, I despise gossip, and most of all I really cannot stand back-stabbing- which eliminates most girls.  So, most of my close friends have been boys- I have accrued a gaggle of 'older brothers' throughout my life- we are family, we are loyal and fiercely protective of one another.  Since the marriage and family waves have hit, I see some of them less frequently, but friendship is not defined by face time.

I have happily welcomed most girlfriends and spouses- if the chick makes him happy, I am all for it.  Some girlfriends and wives are cool with it, others are weird and jealous (for what reasons- I am unsure). But, in recent years I have watched several of my boys go through A LOT of shit because of whatever girl was in their lives.  I have watched crazy custody battles with my friends fighting for their rights as fathers, completely fucked up divorces, I have seen financial turmoil bubble up, simmer over, and explode.  But most of all, I have seen some pretty awesome, sincere, genuine, dudes get fucked over because suddenly the chick becomes a loose cannon with no regard for anyone but herself. And it makes me angry.

What happens to these girls to make them crazy bitches?  Trust, I get that we all have our own terrible moments, but what makes someone wake up one day and say- you know what? I don't want to do this anymore. I get that people change, relationships end, life goes on.  But what makes someone become so ugly? So mean and vindictive? What happens to turn an adult into a child? Why do people think that it is okay to decide- well, I am discontent and unhappy, so I am going to make sure everyone else is too?  At what point do these bitches wake up and become adults?! Or maybe they don't.  Maybe they will spend their whole lives always wanting what they do not have, running around- wreaking havoc on the lives of those around them... I really don't know.

What I do know is that it doesn't have to be that way.  Break ups can happen without nasty interactions.  People can part ways and be cool with one another- maybe not best friends, but they can be amicable instead of hateful.  Unfortunately, it takes two to make it happen.  Most of my friends who have gone through this have done so with an amazing amount of grace and dignity, considering how the other party acted.  And for that, I give them props.  I give any person (guy or girl) props who can see past the end of their fucking nose to realize that nothing has to be dramatic and ridiculous.  That no matter what, there are other people in your life besides YOU!

I get angsty when I have to stand by and watch shitty things happening in the lives of good people.  I know they will make it through, and will probably be better people for it in the long run, but damn it- why can't we reverse that paradigm and watch shitty things happen in the lives of assholes?!  I know, that statement is a bit vindictive in and of itself, and I really don't wish actual harm on anyone, but sometimes I think a little gulp of their own medicine would be nice.

And, for the record, although I have been burned by some crazy bitches myself, I do not hate all girls.  There have been a few in my life who have showed me that I am not the only non-crazy bitch.  There is a glimmer of hope in the vast wasteland that I sometimes feel is the female gender- in fact, it could be that we are the silent majority.  I suppose crazy bitches and bad boys make for better conversation.  But sometimes, at least in my case, I need to be reminded that they are not all crazy bitches and dumbass dudes.  There are good people out there, we just need to stick together.  So, to all my friends who have had their struggles with crazy bitches and dumbass dudes-  not everyone is a card carrying certified nut-case, or a stupid, selfish, son-of-a-bitch. 

It's not about superior morality. We all have our flaws and fucked up things we do.  It's about holding the interest of yourself equal to the interests of others in your life.  It is not hard to just stop for a minute and think about how what you are doing may impact the lives of others.  Do we all make mistakes? HELL YES.  Do we have to be an asshole every waking moment? No.  It is simple- live your life, own your shit, and treat the people in your life with a little respect.  I  vowed some time ago to be as vocal as possible about crazy bitches.  I refuse to consign stupid behavior with silence.  Am I going to personally confront every person I think to be a crazy bitch? No, but I will keep living by example.  I am not special or perfect, but I am honest and up front, something a few crazy bitches I know could stand to learn.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

17 Going on 30

I had this idea that I would write a post about turning 30 before my birthday, and well, like a lot of shit last week- it was slipped under the mental mat.  I haven't posted this entire month, and for good reason- after a whole fucking year of contemplation and learning lessons and awareness and all the other shit I have been working on, I chose to take a mental vacation for the entire month leading up to my 30th birthday.  I jokingly said that I was going to live the entire month as though I were 17 again- and I did. Sort of.

Many of my friends got all weird about turning 30, they dreaded it, they bitched about being old, some got depressed, some just acted like it wasn't happening.  Not me, I was excited! I have been done with my 20's since I was 19, and 30 seemed like a welcomed change.  But somewhere, subconsciously, I guess I was a little leery of it. The mental vacation came to be without any conscious choice on my part- I realized it a few days into it and instead of scolding myself, I chose to ride the wave.  I decided to quit with the mental regiment of "what the fuck are you doing?" "what were you thinking?" and so on, and instead took a huge dose of fuck it.  And, I am not gunna lie, getting the fuck its every now and then is pretty fucking sweet.  It's been nice not to analyze or think much- although some of that happens just because that is the way my monkey mind operates.

I will say the idea of living like I was 17 again was pretty intriguing.  15-17 were the among some of the best years so far... although I am now pretty sure some of that can be attributed to better living through chemistry.  I learned a couple of things about myself in the last month- First and foremost- I am TOTALLY NOT 17 anymore.  Holy cappicola, all nighters are a little more difficult to rebound from now.  When I was 17 my entire sleep/wake cycle was chemically regimented- and while I will say that 5 hour energy is a fucking god-send, it is so not the same!  Secondly- I used to think that there was no room in my life to get the fuck its and give myself a break- now I realize that this is actually imperative occasionally.  I was reaching the end of my patience with myself and now I realize why- because I hold myself to some pretty fucking ridiculous standards sometimes- standards that are often impossible even for me to reach.

So, Friday was my 30th birthday, and I have to say, I had a pretty fucking awesome time.  Surrounded by some of the most bad ass people I know, having fun, raising hell- I have been piecing the night together through various conversations since!  It meant a lot to see most of the people I truly care about all in the same space.  That night, I realized that I have some pretty awesome friends- some that have known me since I was 17 the first time- and trust me, if you knew the asshole I was at 17, it's saying something for those people to be at my 30th birthday!  Some I haven't known as long, but all of you fucking rock my Hanukkah socks! You know who you are, whether you were present that night or not, I love you guys!

But the night also helped me to see crystal clear some things that I have been avoiding up until that night.  I am finally ready to 'clean house' and rid my life of a person or two that I have been allowing to drag me down for far too long- probably since I was 17.  I like to think that I am a pretty fucking awesome friend, and sometimes I think that makes me a target for soul suckers.   But in the end, I am the one who allows my energy to be sucked.  I have let it go on for far too long, and as usually happens, I have to say- big-brother-from-another-mother, you were right YET AGAIN.  Damn it, I hate admitting that so often, especially to you, but it's necessary- and thanks, for loving me enough to let me learn the lesson on my own.  As many times in the last year or five that I know you have wanted to just shake the shit out of me and tell me what I could only recognize on my own, this lesson is sealed and solid now- it is not a points system, but it FUCKING IS!!!! And that realization makes 30 that much more fucking awesome. I don't have to live as though I am 17, I think living as though I am 30 is going to be much, much, more fun :)