As I put a crazy busy week to rest yesterday, I sat down on my couch in the silence that was my first hours of alone time in probably ten days. I have been over scheduled every day, and...if I am honest, it was mostly purposeful. I was afraid of what might come from the solace... emotion...sadness...feeling like a failure...just fear in general. And, I was pretty much on point with that. The quiet was heavy, almost crushing. All the anxiety I felt all week bubbled up inside me. I let my mind wonder, noticing where it went as I let it roam off the leash. I questioned what I have felt in the last 6 months, I wondered if I had just told myself some fairy tale and if any of it were at all real in the first place. I wondered... if it was real, and I really did feel the things I felt, would I ever get to experience any of that again? I scolded myself for being such a fool. I told myself it was never as earth shaking an experience for her, and that like all of my other failed attempts at relationships, I was never going to be what she wanted or needed. Which made me wonder...am I what I want or need for ME? I wondered if I am destined to be by myself, will I never figure this thing out? I questioned the validity of the statement 'meant to be'.
The self judgement that goes hand in hand with living in the same body as my brain is really tough to deal with at times. I realize part of the reason I had never really fallen in love before was because I had never really let myself truly fall, never really let myself completely experience the range of emotion that is the unconscious act of falling in love. The reason for that is simple- because I had always been scared of feeling the way that I do now. That lost, lonely, loser feeling that comes when a part of ones life suddenly changes. I have no anger about the situation, and there is a tiny sliver of my soul that believes this is not the end, but the beginning of something greater than my wounded tunnel vision can see right now. There is much more to experience, to feel, to take in...and as much as I am judging myself for feeling the way I feel right now, for having to commit any of this shit to type, in the interest of transparency for this blog and myself I will do it. I realize I am only scratching the surface at the moment, but at least something is coming out...
I just wish the icky, shitty, self esteem stuff would take a hike. I know that this is all part of the process, it will get better, those feelings of failure will fade over time, BLAH BLAH FUCKING BLAH. I want to just cry it out...have one good heaving, snotty, blurry eyed cry about it all, but right now, that all seems blocked. It seems like it's all frozen in one big lump in my chest. It's uncomfortable, and annoying. And then there's that whole lesson part...mother fucker. I need to figure that out. I do not want to continue repeating this lesson, I suppose if there is any anger, it is surrounding my apparent inability to figure out what the fuck I am supposed to be learning...it is so incredibly fucking frustrating, because I know the answer lies within me...it's kind of like holding two puzzle pieces that fit together if only I could line up the correct edges so they snap together.
Not everything can be peachy all the time, as much as I sometimes wish that were the case.
We all have our moments of feeling less than stellar about ourselves...it just so happens that I promised myself to keep record of the peachy times and the ones that aren't so awesome. I read somewhere this morning that sometimes tiny pieces of ourselves have to die in order to make room for rebirth, renewal and reinvention. So, I guess I should just sit with this sad, lonely, empty feeling for a bit and see where it leads. My eyes are open, even if my heart is slammed shut...
