Monday, July 30, 2012

PYT

So earlier today I re-posted a few entries from last year, which you can read here if you are so inclined.  And as promised, I am posting to thread three of those posts together with where I am now, mainly because I lost footing on some of those concepts for a bit so I think it is important that I own up to that- for myself. I had a long talk with some of my soul tribe members this weekend, and they did a pretty good job of making me realize that it was time for a  reality check.  I posted about the beginning of that reality check a few weeks back- but now it's time to practice what I preach...

More often then not, I find myself in the position of  cheer leading people - comforting people who hurt, encouraging people who struggle, empowering those who are disenchanted... And, as has been pointed out to me many times before, I spit some good game; unfortunately, I have a REALLY hard time taking my own advice.  I cannot tell you how often I tell someone how amazing they are- how many times I have reminded someone to keep their head up and continue on.  Love yourself, and things will fall into place. And lets get one thing straight, I am more than happy to listen, converse and cheer lead those in my life, in my opinion, that is what friends do for one another.  The issue at hand is that I will not open myself up for the remotest inkling of reciprocation.

I believe that we all have tough times, shitty days, unfortunate circumstances.  I also believe that the only way for others to get through it is to lean on people.  Humans are community creatures. Humans need interaction with other humans to nurture their souls and expand their minds, or at it's most animalistic level- humans need other humans for survival.  It's pretty fucking basic.  And I understand the concept- but like all the other niceties I afford others, I cannot wrap my mind around these concepts when it comes to myself.  And most of the time, I don't even know it.  I have had conversations with people that I need to have with myself literally HUNDREDS of times in the last six months.  And it's not that I don't have people to talk to myself, because I do.  There are a handful of people on this planet who really and truly know me, who really and truly love me, no matter how hard or often I bang my head against my own wonderwall.  But some how, I sink into this pattern of avoidance. Like a man who drives around lost and pissed off and refuses to ask for directions.  It would be so simple to stop at the petrol station and ask the clerk for help, but instead I go into avoid, avoid, avoid mode.

I know that avoidance gets me no where, if anything it gets me more lost and even more frustrated. But, for some reason, when the CD of my inner dialogue starts skipping, I convince myself that it is a remix as opposed to reaching out and skipping to the next song.  So I listen to the same fucked up track, on repeat, for days or weeks, or in this present case, months.  The more I listen, the more dazed and confused I become, and the less likely it seems that the track will ever end.  It's a vicious, torturous, cycle.  It's masochism on it's most simplistic level.  And then, at some point, something snaps me out of it- a person or situation usually- and the reality check is never fun. It's never easy. It's exhausting, and it hurts, and I am forced to feast on that old, familiar dish I love to hate, humble pie.

A year and a half ago, I wrote about my go to persona, whom I dubbed tough bitch.  (Persona is a Jungian concept, read about it here if your interested.)  Anyway, at the time I was sincerely focused on growth and in a highly introspective point in my life... for maybe the first time in my life I was aware of how that face that I present to the world was no longer serving my best interest.  I told myself that things were going to change, that I was going to stop presenting myself as this tough chick who didn't give a fuck and start trying to let more of the world know who I really am, at least on some level.  And, it went alright for a while, I made other discoveries- like realizing I had constructed a wonderwall to go along with tough bitch.  I knew that peeling away all those fortess like layers was going to take some time and effort, and I was committed to deconstructing it.  And then... and then a series of seemingly little events started cascading into my life.  Things that tough bitch was better at dealing with.  So I let her come back.  and before I knew it, she had taken up residency in my brain again.

Everybody has their schtick in life.  Some people are the comedians, you know the type, every single thing is a joke to them, they deal with everything through humor.  Some people are the victims, they wallow in all the traumatic shit that has happened to them and they wait around for someone to rescue them.  My schtick has always been tough bitch.  I don't give a fuck, I'm a bitch, I'm intimidating, I never let anyone close to me... you get the picture.  Thing is, I'm not.  I do give a fuck.  the intimidation and the bitchiness stuff are all a part of the act.  And as a result, no one does get close to me, because I have set it up that way for most of my life.  I am a firm believer that you teach people how to treat you... if you do not think you are being treated fairly, look at your interactions with said party and assess.  I have taught people to leave me alone.  I have taught people that there is no need to worry about my feelings, because I have led them to believe I have none.  And no, I am not completely alone. As I stated earlier, there are maybe 5 people that know tough bitch isn't really me.  They are the ones that see me cry.  They are the ones that I allow myself to occasionally be vulnerable around.  So, if I can do it with them I should be able to do it with everyone, right? Wrong.

Nope.  As committed as I was year and a half ago to working on letting go of all those useless defense mechanisms, I have not.  And, as a result, it has gotten worse, it has seeped into most every area of my life.  It was pointed out to me recently that the way I have been talking about myself is almost annoyingly negative.  It was even suggested that I try reciting positive affirmations everyday in an effort to reverse my inner dialogue.  At first, I scoffed.  I thought that those critiques were completely unfounded, until I started catching myself refer to myself as an idiot, or a dumbass, or a retard, fucktard, stupid bitch... And, I have to say, after I became aware of it, it was pretty fucking ridiculous.  The thought of reciting positive affirmations made my skin crawl, and let's be honest- trying to change the habits and thinking I have had for most of my life is no small feat! So, baby steps it is.  Now every time I catch myself about to let a self deprecating comment pass my lips, I change it to Pretty Young Thing.  If that sounds silly to you, imagine what it sounds like to me.  But now that I am aware of just how long I have been back sliding, desperate times call for desperate measures.  I will never teach someone to treat me the way I truly want to be treated if I don't treat myself that way.

It's a tough spot to be in, I know what I want, I know exactly what I have to do to get it, but it's the how that fucks me every time. I am sitting here, alone and frustrated with no one to blame but myself, because just like always, I set it up that way.  Sometimes, the lesson isn't learned until the it's been presented multiple times by numerous teachers; and I will figure this out, I know.  But damn it, it sure fucking hurts in the mean time! I have to keep reminding myself, there is no growth without pain, this too will pass, Holly.  The best advice I have ever been given applies so well here- When going through hell- KEEP GOING!



Life Support

I originally posted this in April of 2011, re-posting as a reminder to myself that life is indeed cyclical.   I would be remiss not to link the posts about Tough Bitch and my Wonderwall here as well.  Later today, I hope to upload a post about the connection between the three and where I am at with them a year and half out. I have never claimed to be perfect, but in the interest of the original intent of this blog, I must be transparent, even if only to myself!  I have to sometimes remind myself that being human doesn't necessarily make me a hypocrite- and that sometimes it takes me many, many tries before certain life lessons actually sink in. In the mean time, none of us are perfect, but we are all Pretty Young Things :) 


All my life I have prided myself on being dynamic, ever evolving, trying to grow at every opportunity etc.  But recently, I realized that the growth I pride myself on happens in spurts as opposed to the continuous flow I had once thought I maintained.  So, that got me thinking-what is it that allows my growth to wax and wane? What is it that makes some people in this world great and others to be content with good enough?

The answers to those questions have been revealing themselves to my consciousness lately... Not that the answers were not there all along, more that I am finally coming to a spot where I can be consciously aware of them.  The disruption in the flow of growth, as well as what allows some to settle for 'good enough' comes from within- Now, I am not saying that anyone (including myself) has that kind of inner dialogue- like "well, it seems as though we have made great strides, so lets just take a break" Nor am I saying that any of us really know that we are settling for good enough when we do.  But growth is an extremely tricky, slippery slope; and sometimes it is easy to lose ourselves in that singular moment of patting ourselves on the back for a job well done.  Then, before ya know it you have 'settled down and settled in' for the next 6 months, year, maybe even decade.

That shift in focus for me, usually comes from and outside source that I allow myself to be distracted with (Oh look! Something shiny!!!) And without even realizing it, I have derailed my growth attempts in favor of the newest favorite thing in my life.  This business of growth is more of a discipline than a process.  It takes time, diligence, practice and perseverance, it really is no wonder that we end up taking breaks from it... it is tough stuff!!!  The problem with breaks is that (at least for me) they never end up being 15 minutes, or even an evening...they turn in to that settle period without my even noticing.

Once the settling has begun, it overtakes most areas of life, and the backslide down the slippery slope begins.  It's not a landslide pace, it's slow, centimeters a month so to speak... at this pace it is very tough to even realize one is in backwards motion, and so the backslide continues on down the slope.  Now, we are not only not growing, but we are also slowly slipping into old habits, patterns and familiarities.  Things that we had previously grown out of or evolved from are now beginning to re-appear in our lives, and they fit like a tailored suit, so we do not notice, because for the most part we are 'content', and when we are content there seems no reason to change... if it ain't broke don't fix it right?  But what happens if it is broken, and we have merely convinced ourselves of a new reality of 'broken'?

I learned recently that growth comes out of the proper mix of challenge and support... If we are not challenged in life, we see no reason to reach forward and upward... why would we when where we are seems good enough?  But, without the proper amount of support to those challenges we will feel defeated, deflated and frustrated, and consequently we will quit trying to grow.  Makes sense really, and, I think this hypothesis further answers my two original questions.  In order to remember that I am trying to reach the bar in front of me, the one that remains just millimeters from my grasp, I need to surround myself with people who are also trying to reach for their own bars.  We will share similar struggles and victories on our own respective quests for growth and greatness, and that dialogue will allow me to stay focused on my bar.  I think that it is this process that leads some out of 'good enough' to greatness...whatever that may mean for each of us. 

The key, as it always seems to come back round to, is awareness.  Awareness of self and the processes that are happening in the mind on the moment to moment basis, awareness of others...do those that I surround myself with share similar goals of yearning for their own personal growth and greatness?  Because, if not, this can certainly derail my process, and I have no more time to wane... so, on this day I re-affirm my will to do as much as I possibly can to stay conscious of my own process as well as my surroundings... I want to support those who support me.  That being said, I cannot support those who cannot on some level support their own growth because they will never be able to support me.  That slippery slope of growth becomes deep water to tread when others around us are drowning... and the only thing that drowning victim can do in their moments of despair is try everything to take you down with them... I was a life guard long enough... I think it is time to focus on my own bar.

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Shutter Speed

I read a blog post recently about a photographer's 'un-pinteresting' life.  She talked about how online personalities have created a sort of unattainable bar in life- like the internet gives people a chance to present whatever 'self' they want the rest of the world to see... It made me think about the digitization of our society and culture, and how much that has changed in the last decade or so.  As the daughter of an 'oldschool' photographer... the kind who processed his own photography in the darkroom in the basement... it is a little surreal to see what can be done with images digitally now- granted, some of it is breath taking and beautiful, and I know some digital photographers who are truly artists, in that they have an eye and can capture things in ways others of us couldn't...but using a filter doesn't make you an artist, it doesn't make you a photographer. And it's not just photography... it's music...design... it's the human experience..all sorts of things.  It's misrepresentation is what it is.

I look around at the blogging, facebooking, instagramming, pinteresting crowd that is mine and the next generation and don't really know what to think... is the digitization of our society watering our lives down to an e-card quote?  We have the ability now to share more of ourselves and our lives then ever before... but instead of deep connection or meaningful conversation we are presented with perfect family photos that cover up train wreck lives...or dead careers... or broken hearts... or bullied kids.  Truth is, I don't believe it.  I KNOW we all have some beautiful disaster in us... and yes, whether the internet or facebook or google agree or not, there is beauty in everybody's disasters.  It sometimes seems like the last of human realism is on the cutting room floor... photo shopped out for the most marketable, rock star angle.  And then what?!

I think I have stated pretty clearly before- I am not immune, I certainly pick what to share and who knows what about me just like the next guy, to an extent.  I am fairly up front and honest in my posts on here, but I also don't publish every post... I have dozens of drafts that I write only for myself.  I regularly struggle with what is and is not OK to post... I am not advocating that we all put everything about ourselves out on front street for everyone to see...  In all honesty, I live a pretty un-pinteresting life as well... and I am really good with that.  It seems far too exhausting to try to be at the right places with the right faces at the right times. 

What would happen if we were all slightly more honest about the un-pinteresting sides of ourselves?  What would that look like?

Sometimes my house is a catastrophe... sometimes my brain is a minefield...  9 times out of 10, I don't wear pants when I am at home.  I avoid folding laundry like the plague.  I open my mail only when I absolutely HAVE to.  I love shitty Chinese food.   I try on 80% of my wardrobe (nearly everyday, and sometimes twice a day) trying to find something I am willing to leave the house in.  I will NOT leave the house without makeup.  I regularly let my pride and ego keep me from things I want or need to do.  I assume I am being judged and scrutinized at all times.  I say I don't care, but I do.  I feel inadequate in many areas of my life, a lot of the time... I front like a hard ass, but cry like a bitch sometimes.  And the comfort I have in all of that is that I know ALL of you feel some of the same things, a lot of the time.  But then we wrap it all  up, run it through a filter, and post it on facebook, and all of the realism gets lost in translation.

I want to go back to processing my own life film.  I want to loosen my grip on 'who I should be by now'.. I want to appreciate the art that is my life, and the lives of the people around me. I want to stop chasing every fucking shiny thing I come across because mine is the generation of instant gratification.  I want to get back to living authentically.   More often than not, my head is the container that keeps my self loathing from spilling out into the world, and it is time to stop doing the self deprecation dance.

My BFAM graduated from college today, and I am SO unbelievably proud of him! He has grown so immensely in the last two years, that words cannot do it justice.  The commencement speaker gave a really compelling speech about how the most successful people are those who are not afraid to fail, a lot.  That speech and a big brother talk I had recently, have got me thinking about some things I have been trying to hide from lately- all of which are driven by my crippling fear of failure.  From far too much past experience, I know that I am always the root cause of my own self destruction... thankfully, I have people in my life who will not hesitate to kick my ass- I need that, seriously.  I occasionally lose focus, I often lose interest, but I usually come back around.

 I am ready to fail, a lot... at the end of every failure, is the next opportunity for success, and I am the only person with the power to manifest that in my life.  It's as if every now and then, I hit pause on my life- why? Who the fuck knows?! I think sometimes everyone needs a break, sometimes it seems like using a filter is easier than manually focusing.  But mind clutter cannot be photo-shopped out.  That shit has to be processed in the dark room, and the end results will always be a surprise.  It's the processing that is beautiful, if we take the time to allow things to develop...
One of my all time favorite song lyrics comes from Ani Difranco "It took me too long to realize that I don't take good pictures because I have the kind of beauty that moves." I love that line, I have no idea why it is so hard for me to apply it in my life... oh well, it's a process right? Maybe it's time to lengthen my exposure and adjust my shutter speed...

I love you BFAM, thanks for the reminders, the inspiration, and the patience.  You should be so fucking proud of yourself, your the kind of big brother I am proud to look up to and I couldn't have hand picked a better big brother if I wanted to :)