In the last two weeks I have been driven by pure adrenaline-work has been super-crazy-busy and I like it that way... although I don't know that others close to me do... I will be the first to admit that I allow stress to wind me so tight that I am seconds from snapping at any moment. I know this is not really all that good for my body, mind or spirit, but it has been the way I function for a long, long time. I also know that this causes stress to others around me... people tip-toe, they walk softly so as not to crunch the eggshells I have surrounded myself with. Some do their best to support me in whatever way they can, others keep their distance and wait for the stress storm to subside; and I get it. There are a couple things about this whole scenario that bother me.
First- I do not think it fair that others should have to adjust how they interact with me based upon my stress level. The truth is, it is my stress and no one else should have to bare any brunt of it, this is something I really need to stay on top of, it is not okay to project my crap on anyone else in any other life situation, and this is no exception. I need to remember, even in the moments where I can cut the tension within myself with a knife, that whatever it is that I am letting get to me is no where near as important as I am making it out to be... I need to remember that this moment, like all the rest, will come and it will go and the chances of that one moment or situation making or breaking me are really pretty slim.
Secondly, I need to address the whole issue of being driven my adrenaline, this goes hand and hand with not stressing about stupid things that are out of my control. It's funny how stress and adrenaline can focus a person, although it is rarely good focus. Stress produces the kind of tunnel vision focus that can make one (me in particular) lose focus on all other things. I am probably the text book definition of the task master- give me a task and I will tackle it to completion... give me a problem and I will exert all my energies into solving it. And until the task is complete or the problem is solved, I see nothing but that task at hand... I get tunnel vision to the point where the house could burn down around me, or something much more important could pop up and I will see nothing but that problem in front of me. So, what happens is this- while I am so focused on whatever it is right in front of me, life continues to happen...with or without my attention. And then, the stress is removed, the problem is solved, the task completed and suddenly- my adrenaline drains.
It's an odd and disheartening feeling when the adrenaline goes away... suddenly the seemingly endless stream of energy I had is tapped out. The stream, the well, and the lake are all dry. And I am left standing there, with an insatiable thirst. And I am completely exhausted... putting one foot in front of the other seems an insurmountable task... and the weight of the life that continued to happen while I was caught up in task mastering is almost unbearable. I focus my life on the build up of this one thing- I eat, sleep, and breath nothing but this one thing. And then, that one thing comes and goes and I am left in the aftermath of the stress tornado I constructed in my life. Sounds fancy eh? Glamorous, even inspiring. No. Even as I type these words I am thinking to myself... Why do I do that? Why subject myself (and those closest to me) to such a roller coaster ride?
The only answer I have is that like any junkie, I love the rush. The high I get from the adrenaline produced in stressful situations is unmatched by any drug I have ever experienced... the come down unfortunately, is the same though. After riding high for a while, there is no where left to go but down. And, I come down like any other addict I have ever met... pissed off and wanting to get back to that place I once was. All my other 'demons' come out to play because I am at such a point of vulnerability. I am angry about this, pissed off about that, this person sucks at life, that person has no clue, and then it hits me... all of my fingers are pointed at ME! I have fallen victim to the vortex of my own life yet again. And I laugh-this time at myself, long and hard. We humans, we do this stuff ALL THE TIME. Sure, my adrenaline ride may look different than your love roller coaster, or the next guy's version... but we all do it, we all step onto the subject-myself-to whatever ride.
Some people have mastered the ride, they are aware of when and where the ride begins, they step on and off at will, and they enjoy it while it lasts. Some of us find ourselves on a train that is barreling down the tracks at mach speed and can figure no way off except to jump whilst the train is still at full speed. Other's figure the train will come into a station eventually and wait patiently for the 'right' time to disembark. The point is, that we all ride. And what I am coming to believe is that the ride doesn't always have to be painful or destructive...it can be enjoyable and illuminating... if I let it.
