Coming Soon: The Crazy Cafe

For some time now, I have been thinking about diving into a second blog.  Not that I am abandoning this one,  this will still be the space where I babble on about my wonders of human happenings.  But I have been thinking about starting a food blog... I know, how many food blogs are out there right? I am pretty sure the number hovers around eleventy billion... and I would never profess to have a newfangled idea... I am not looking to change the face of food blogging or make crazy waves.  I just thought it would be nice to have a space to keep record both of what I cook and eat. 

I will admit to not being the savviest blogger... this is part of the reason I have pussy-footed around launching a new blog. I don't know how to put fancy piktars up or to use links or any of that technological stuff that remains an enigma to me.  I am NOT my father's daughter when it comes to technology... my dad is a technological geek--and don't get me wrong--I LOVE him for that (that, and a trillion other things of course), but- having that sort of assistance at my finger tips has made me a bit of a nit wit when it comes to all things technology related.  Hell, I quit taking pictures on my camera when I realized they wouldn't just beam to my computer.  I didn't even begin really using email until a few years ago... I have crashed EVERY computer I have ever owned.  At almost every place I have been employed I am eventually banned from using the copier.  I cannot make the DVD player work without assistance from my young and savvy roomie.  Alright, I think you get the picture.

SO anyway... I have been a little gun shy about the food blog, but I think it is time.  I would say cooking is one of two mediums I have for expressing myself (the second being writing, hence the willy nilly blogging:), and I suppose it is time to give the other medium it's due.  So, it will for sure be a work in progress, but I hope to have it launched in the next few weeks... the basic idea is that I will post about things I am cooking as well as reviewing any cool places I eat... I am hoping that by posting what I am cooking it will help me to become a more disciplined cook... BAHAHA! Who am I kidding? Let's just see if I can launch the damned thing first, then I can make lofty goals and promises that I may or may not fulfill! 

Mr. Jones and Me

"The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself" -Anna Quindlen

A couple weeks ago I had a talk with each of my parents individually.  I don't remember how each conversation started, but they were both about the same sort of things.  Both my dad and my mom said they just really wanted me to be happy.  They both want me to find my place.  I agreed with them- not that I am unhappy so to speak... but I would say that I am discontent and that I have been feeling unfulfilled.  It was really nice to have the chance to speak freely with them.  I love my parents, I think that has been pretty obvious throughout this blog.  My parents are definitely amazing people, I respect their opinions, I look up to them, I am proud to have them as my parents, and I want little else in life than to be the woman they can be proud to call their daughter. (You can call me sappy and lame, that's alright.  It is the truth.)

I mentioned feeling a little like a failure to them both. Many people my age are now settled into careers, marriages, and many have children.  I, on the other hand, have come through the last decade with very little to show for it. I have some of the 'things' on the proverbial check off list- I have a job, two in fact.  I have a house. I work, I support myself... blah blah blah.  I like my jobs alright... although they are like any other I have had... I have been at these two particular jobs for a little over a year and I am beginning to feel stagnant.  There are no opportunities to move up at either and they are just beginning to feel stale.  My house is kind of the same way- it is a fine enough house, but I am ready to go somewhere else, do something else. I am about to finish out my first year of being single in my adult life, and that too is beginning to get old.  I am ready for a change- all the way around.

Of course, my parents are my BIGGEST cheerleaders.  They re-frame the way I look at my 'achievements' and try desperately to help me figure out how to find fulfillment in what I have.  They are concrete and solution oriented... something I WISH I could be right now... something I think they wish I could be at times as well... My mom said "You have always been the one to do things your own way, [the hard way]- but you have always figured it out, and you will figure this out too." God love the woman!  There was a time when they were both so frustrated with the way I bang my head against the wall until I figure things out- they both tried desperately to teach me another way throughout my adolescence, but to no avail. The patience these two people have had with me my entire life is truly immeasurable-miles and miles more patience than I have ever had with myself- and I love them to bits for it.

I shared with my mom that it seems as though I have been stuck in this rut of fear for a while now- probably since I dropped out of grad school.  I know that dropping out was the best decision for me at the time, and I do not regret it for even a moment, but it has set off this unsureness in me.  It's like I have an idea of what I want my next move to be, but somewhere along the way I lost the ability to be sure of myself... I swim around with all of these fears and projections in my head about what could happen if I make a decision... It is not that I think I cannot do option A or option B, because if there is only one thing I know about myself it is that I can and will do whatever it is I set my mind to.  It is more abstract than that- like what if I pursue this one thing that I think will make me happy, what if I make it happen, pour my heart into it and then come to find out it is not what I wanted either?!  I know how ridiculous that must sound to some people- but it is a real and paralyzing fear to me.

Then I start really thinking.  Wait a second dumbass- I am pretty sure that this true happiness and fulfillment you blabber on about constantly comes from WITHIN you- and once you have that, there will be a natural sense of contentment, and you will be happy with whatever you are doing where ever you are doing it. I have written extensively on the importance of doing the work on myself, but I am not sure it set in until I read the quote above... it's the work of BEING myself.  It's giving up on this perfect image of what I think my life should be, because that image is what is holding me back from what my life is- something to enjoy and embrace.  My mother reminded me that there are no mistakes, only experiences to carry forward.  I know there are others out there who struggle with the same stuff... maybe not all of them stammer on about it in a blog, but I think we all go through the types of things that I share on here... which is why I am not embarrassed.  I cannot apologize for my humanness.  But I can embrace this life and share it.

I had a visit from an old friend this weekend and she flipped the ole 'life is short' cliche for me- "Life is long." She said, very matter-of-factly.  And I must admit, I agree.  Life is long; therefore we mustn't cheapen that experience by sprinting through it, we will wear ourselves out far before the 'finish line'.  Equally notable, we cannot trudge along at a snail's pace so as not to disturb that image of perfection. Instead, take the time to drink in every drop AND enjoy every interaction... I have to remind myself of that constantly...I am where I need to be, and I will end up right where I am supposed to... I am not now and never will be a 'Jones', so why drive myself insane with the apples to oranges comparisons?

Polarized

Last night I caught a glimpse of one of those entertainment shows.  They were talking about Chaz Bono being on Dancing with the Stars.  I could really care less about the show, but was happy to hear that he was on- that it was good step forward for someone who is openly transgendered to be on a prime time show.  The clip they ran was of a woman saying she thought it was wrong, and that it would send a confusing message to children.... and I have to admit, my blood started simmering a little-

What's more confusing lady?!!! Ignoring people who are different than you and trying to 'shelter' your children from, oh- what do you call it? Oh yeah, that's right, THE WORLD! Or explaining something to your child?  I am so sick of people hiding their ignorance under the guise of protecting a child. STOP IT. You lady, you are a part of perpetuating hate and misunderstanding.  By you not dealing with whatever issues you have, you are handing down this sense of intolerance to yet another generation.  It's funny, because these are the same people telling their children that they are special and unique individuals who can do anything in the world, so long as that anything doesn't involve anything "too different", Oi vey.

Perhaps this is why Planned Parenthood funding is in trouble as well- those evil bastards... spreading the free love and safe sex message.  Don't you know sex is never safe?! Unless, of course it is in the confines of the sanctity of marriage- between one man and one woman... and the man's gay lover that he has on the side because he has been conditioned to hide his homosexuality as it is a sin and he would most certainly go straight to hell if anyone ever knew about it, which is why he married a woman and had 3.2 children in the first place- to try to cure himself, being gay is wrong, or at least that is what his mommy and daddy pounded into his head as often as possible throughout his childhood.  Oh, and don't forget about the woman's lover that she was forced to seek out after a decade in loveless marriage which she committed to so that she could keep up with the Jones's.

So, I stewed on this most of the night, and I woke up this morning trying my very best not to be angry.  Then I got in the car to come to work.  As I am tooling down the road, listening to NPR, a story comes on about the views of some of the GOP candidates for presidency.  I am half listening when they begin to talk about Michelle Bachman's 'jokes' that God is sending Washington a message with the recent hurricane and earthquake in DC.  They then go on to play clips of other GOP candidates dismissing that we humans have anything to do with global warming, and further, that perhaps we should not be spending so much money on scientific research for a 'theory' that has not been proven! Bloody hell, you have got to be fucking kidding me!

Firstly, isn't that what research is about? Proving a theory? And secondly, how fucking much evidence does one need to believe it?! Then I start thinking about all the funding that is in danger of being cut- PBS for one.  Right, why should we fund something so frivolous as educational programming?! Especially when they have such silly shows as Nova- a show about science- which means it is obviously about unfounded theory and unneeded research.  Yes, yes, let us keep the masses sleepy and pacified with their cable T.V. and interwebs...

The scariest part of all this, to me, is that some people will hear these things... and BELIEVE them, and worse yet, they will vote for them.  I do not generally speak on politics, but for some reason I cannot get this crap out of my head.  What am I going to do about it? Well, I don't know yet- all I know is that silently disagreeing may as well be agreeing. I am not ok with yet another generation swallowing the shit they have been trying to feed us for years.  Obama is not the problem with our country or economy.  Neither can we blame Bush.  It is not the Repulicrats or the Democrins.  The problem is US!!! The citizens, we are the reason we are where we are right now.  The only freeing thing about that assertion is that- we then, are the only solution as well.  If only we could get people weened off the teat of power and corruption and start them on a regiment of education and open mindedness...