All Aboard the Hamster Wheel...

Finally, the inspiration to post struck me today!  There has been a great many changes and shifts going on in the last few weeks and I guess I haven't had a whole lot of words to put with them until now. 

First, I will say that a very wise person offered some incite into how I have been processing things and it created a shift in my thinking.  I have mentioned before that I categorized people in one of two areas- thinkers and feelers; it has been my opinion that thinkers process information in a very pragmatic 'this is the way it is' way and feelers take a more emotional approach.  Upon further examination, I am realizing the error in this approach.  I was attaching incorrect meaning to words (as most of the world does).  Emotions are sensory and uncontrollable, and there are only a few to pick from- elation, rage, and deep sadness.  These emotion come over you like a wave and are as fleeting in their departure as they were in arrival.  That being said, most of what I have attached the 'feeling' word to is actually a thought, as we are all thinkers and feelers to varying degrees.  What I was calling feeling behavior is more aptly described as introspection, thinking about things deeply and intricately, almost like getting on one of those hamster wheels and running non-stop in your mind's eye.

What the hell does this matter you may be wondering? Well, at least for me, this has added a new lens of clarity as to how I operate.  And, I am learning to look at this introspection as a gift rather than a curse, although I will admit that it is tough to do some days.  Some days I would like to turn off the old thinking cap and look at my world in black and white... except I know this is not possible, so the only choice I have is to embrace it.  And, since I started this blog pledging honesty, it is necessary to admit when I am wrong... that is, after all, the only way to learn, right?

Going back to the conversation I had with the wise person- a few other a-ha moments came from it.  It was (again) pointed out to me that I walk around with a really hard shell surrounding me... and she went so far as to guess when and how the shell originated.  Much to my surprise (and dismay) she was right.  To be fair, I have been told dozens of times from different sources that I am intimidating- and to an extent, I was aware of this (Re:Tough Bitch).  However, I had NO IDEA how long I had been carrying around this persona, not to mention what triggered it initially.  I'll save you the lame story, but needless to say, this goes back for decades!  This is incredibly frustrating to me... I pride myself on life happening for me as opposed to it happening to me, and if there is one thing I cannot stand it's the victim mentality.  And yet, here I am, staring 30 down, operating on that very paradigm I cannot stand.

I was told that until I get rid of my anger, I will never get to where I want to go (or to anywhere near my potential).  That, my friends is scary. It is scary to know that while I have a mask for every person and situation (I am not unique, we all do this to some extent), I also have one for myself looking in the mirror.  This is getting sticky now.  How do I peel that mask off? How do I extract the defense mechanism I have used against me for me for decades, and for most of the time without even knowing it?  All I can say as of now is that there ain't no going back folks. I try so hard to be genuine (at least with those who matter to me) and I am now realizing that I have not been genuine with myself, let alone others.  That doesn't mean everything about me or all the interactions I have had with people have been disingenuous, it more means that I can always dig deeper. I can always peel off another layer of the proverbial onion.  And I am glad for that opportunity, because while it has never been my aim for everyone to like me or to view the world as all puppies and rainbows, it has also never been  my intent to make people uncomfortable or for them to feel threatened because I am intimidating due to not dealing with my own stuff.

I think we can all agree I take the long way most often, but that's alright.  I may not get it right away, (whatever it is), but you can trust and believe that I WILL get it eventually.  And if there is one strength that could at times be my greatest weakness, it is determination, I will continue to attempt to get it until I finally do.  Until that day, I am going to jump off the hamster wheel more often, and laugh at myself as much as possible!  Life cannot be taken seriously all the time- that is boring and, more importantly, it is exhausting!  If you haven't lately, step outside of yourself for a moment, observe yourself and the way your are with other people, take note and then have a great, big, deep, belly laugh at your own expense! It's refreshing, trust me :)

Closed Doors, Open Windows.

Since I have been a bit gloom and doom lately, I thought it high time I do a happy/grateful post. 

So, to start, I am grateful for all the little struggles the last few months-and they have all been little-even if they have felt overwhelming.  I am finally to the point where I think that I am ready to make some big and necessary changes.  I am finished spinning my wheels, feeling stuck, and acting like a powerless victim.  By the end of the year I will have begun looking for a new job and will be setting plans in motion to make all the things I want to happen in my life come to fruition.  I am on the upswing and have a good amount of confidence that I will make it happen.  Struggle is never for nothing and it is certainly not forever.  Although I will say that I know making these changes will come with new and different struggles, but I welcome the new challenges. 

A few weeks back, I was surprised and humbled to find out that a trip I had desperately wanted to go on would be happening due to the INSANE generosity of friends- and for that I am incredibly grateful... like beyond words... like I have never received a gift on such a crazy scale.  And the awesomeness and gratitude doesn't stop there.  My best friend from high school moved to California 11 years ago.  In that 11 years I have seen him 3 times; with the last time being 3 years ago.  We talk on the phone all the time, but- come on.  Talking on the phone is just NOT THE SAME!  Anyhow, when I found out about this trip, my brother from another mother suggested I contact my friend and see if he could meet us. And guess what? I found out this week that he and his beautiful wife will indeed be able to meet up! I AM SO EXCITED I cannot really explain it!

So, this week I have been forcing myself to stop looking at the door that just slammed shut in my face and instead climb through the window that was open right next to it.  So far, it is working.  I have poked my head through the window, and I will say- the skies are clear and blue and the landscape is lush and green.  Now, all I have to do is hoist myself up and slink on through.  I generally spend so much time staring at the closed door that I never notice the open window.  The window is pretty high up, so I will need to whip myself into shape to get up there and through- but it is certainly doable with a little conditioning. And, it just so happens that at this point I have a fair amount of free time to devote to it.  So all I can say is- YAY!!!! Yay for struggles, setbacks and victories.  Yea for having a clear enough mind to finally exit the pot I have been stewing in and begin a new endeavor.  And, most importantly- yea for friends who love and support me along the way- friends and family continue to be the most integral pieces of every success and victory in my life. Love you all!

Snooze Button

So, I told myself that I would give me a week to get over myself.  Seven days to be sad, angry, depressed and whatever other unproductive emotion I needed to feel.  I have gone through the spectrum, although mostly I have been angry, and mostly at myself.  I absolutely will not own all the blame in this situation; however I have to own my part.  And in weak moments I do indulge those thoughts- why does it seem like I am always the one looking at my shit? Why do I have to stand here, knee deep in 'damn it'? Why can't I be the one who goes on about life like it never mattered anyway? And then, I come crashing back to reality and realize that I CHOSE this path, I chose to look at my shit, I chose to be aware, I CHOOSE to grow, and that means I am obligated (to myself) to look at my part, and even though sometimes I just want to go back to that state of being blissfully un-aware, I cannot.

Each time I want to focus the blame on another- any other, in any situation, I am cheating myself, out of the opportunity to learn.  Oh it feels SO GOOD though! It is so much more satisfying (in the moment) to pick someone else apart.  I want to shred the other person's shortcomings to bits, because I know how good it would feel (in the moment).  However, this is pretty much doing what I have always done.  In any situation where  I feel as though I have been wronged I want to immediately lash out and blame, and it works for a bit... but then I have to deal with dragging around a huge sack of resentments, which ends up being a gigantic pain in the ass... And anyways, all of that blame and anger does not fit in with my belief that we are all right where we need to be and we are all being presented with the opportunity to learn life's lessons at each moment... It is my choice to grab hold of my lesson just as it is anyone else's choice to either grab hold of or ignore their own lessons... and it is not my place to tell someone else what they need to learn, because in that breath I am loosing the opportunity to learn for myself. And let's be honest, I have a hard time recognizing my own lessons, learning the same thing multiple times before I get it, so I couldn't possibly know what others need to learn.

If I were to do what I have always done, at this point I would pack this experience away in a box and shove it as far back into the closet of my mind as possible.  I am tired of dealing with it and just want to be finished with it.  Unfortunately, I know all too well how that shakes out... it will come back to haunt me at some point in the future, in all it's skeletal glory... and I will be MUCH more annoyed with it then.  So, I am giving this particular lesson it's due, in hopes that I can finally see a lesson through to total fruition for once!  I have finally made a commitment to myself and I intend to keep it.  Everyday I get closer to knowing exactly what it is that I want, and doing this sort of work and being this kind of honest with myself, however painful and humbling it may be, is pretty much the only way to get where I want to be in my life, I think.

Anyway, as we should all know by now, life doesn't stop because your having a bad day, or your pissed off or you really want/need a break.  Nope, this is usually when life kicks it into high gear, and I am not special when it comes to this life paradigm. My brother from another mother and his amazing fiance are moving today, to Columbus.  In 15 years, he and I have NEVER lived more than ten minutes apart.  We have always been able to meet up on a whim if we wanted.  He has, for the longest time been the person I call when I absolutely do not want to talk to another soul on the planet.  He's got one of THE MOST optimistic views on life, he is a cheerleader and a rock, he is the voice of reason (although, I will admit to not always listening to that reason) he is a thinker and a pragmatist.  And the best fucking friend anyone anywhere could ever dream up.  And he somehow managed to find a girl who is completely his equal in wonderfulness! The two of them are so unbelievably solid together that there is no doubt in my mind that this move (although difficult) will be awesome for the two of them.

I am happy for them, beyond words.  Better things could not happen to two better people, no doubt.  And of course, in my usual selfish way, I am sad they are moving out of town.  I am really sad, and scared too.  I know, I know, everyone has said EXACTLY what you are thinking right now- it's only an hour away, geeze.  What's the big deal?! Well, the big deal I am realizing, has little to do with the two of them.  It has to do with me not being able to ignore the fact that they are making things happen in their lives- so, I can sit here and cry about them leaving and feel sad and left out and whatever other silly feeling that has danced across the stage of my minds eye in the last couple of months, I can complain about how all of this crap is happening at once and that it is just too much... I cannot handle it... BLAH BLAH BLAH...It's all so repetitive it makes me sleepy.

OR

I look right in front of me and grab the lesson.  All of these things are happening at once so that I will WAKE UP from my 8 month slumber of laziness and coasting and I will start making shit happen in my own life.  This after all is the only option... If I am bored or feel stuck or whatever it is...I am the catalyst that can change it or I can be the glue that permanently affixes myself to that settled in spot.  I have every fucking excuse in the book as to why I cannot do anything other than what it is that I am doing at this present moment in my life... I am stuck in my house because the market sucks... I am stuck at my job because I have too much debt, and on and on and on.  Unfortunately, I am aware that in any given situation I am both the problem and the solutions, therefore, I have got to change the way I think about things. And NO ONE is ever stuck unless they choose to be.

I have tended in life to be a pessimist, especially when I get lazy; but in the last year or so I have noticed myself getting annoyed with that trait in others and in turn being more aware of it in myself.  Oddly, this is awareness for which I can credit Facebook.  Reading pessimistic people's status updates on a constant- the most popular- "I'm bored", to the more dramatic "My life sucks" has made me acutely aware of the correlation between outlook and outcome in life.  If your bored, DO SOMETHING.  If you think your life sucks, CHANGE IT.  Sure, it takes a bit (and sometimes a lot) of effort, but at least then your busy living instead of dwelling on shit.  So, yes. I gave myself a week to get over myself, but this has been building for a long, long while, and I think I can safely say, I am over it.  I have a list of things that I need to get busy on and I finally have the fire under my ass to do them. 

The two of them moving is going to be hard, it is already sad.  It will change a lot of how our friendships operate.  And we ALL know how much us humans love change ;) There will not be too many 'lets meet up for a beer' nights through the week.  And the chances of she and I going grocery shopping together are pretty slim. Unless Monday is a holiday, wasted Sundays will most likely be a thing of the past as well. And all of these things and more are the silly little things I cherish and have somewhat taken for granted in the last year.  I could sit and think only about the stuff I will miss about them being 10 minutes away FOR WEEKS!!!

But, as my brother from another framed it the other night- "you know, this doesn't have to be the worst thing.  It could be awesome."  And, as is usually the case, he is right.  It could be awesome, it could ALWAYS be awesome.  Even if it sucks, it can still be awesome and THAT is what I want. AWESOME.  Thanks for reminding me chief, sometimes I need it and I always appreciate it.  These little wisdom nuggets are why I love you.  Well, that and the fact that you always fight the urge to say I told you so even though I deserve it (often)! So here's to the two of you and your awesome new life- if nothing else it has already inspired a ripple effect, I will no longer be hitting the snooze button on forward motion. I love you both.

Pieces of What? Part II

Well, the experiment has come to an end. To recap- the experiment was to take a situation where I would attempt to make my feelings objective... In essence I was trying to see if I could think my way through my feelings as opposed to feeling them.  It was a seriously difficult task. I found myself falling from object to subject often, but tried to be persistent and consistent with the effort.  What I can say is that it was a valuable experience and lesson, what I cannot say is that I was entirely successful.

So, lets start with what I gained: Perspective- TONS of it. More than I really wanted, but probably as much as I needed.  I can directly credit this experiment with exposing my wonder wall to me, as well as the need to pay attention to it and do some work in that area.  I am reminded that all humans (not just me) are fallible, that we all make decisions based on whatever data we have on hand and that data is subject to each person's interpretation.  So what I may interpret as positive feedback in the experiment, another may interpret as something negative- or even more importantly, the other may not interpret the data to have any significance at all.  Communication is key, without it both people can interpret the same experience in different ways so that one person works with the information at hand in one way, the other goes the opposite direction and then the experiment is inherently flawed; as ended up the case with this experiment.

Also worth noting about my shifting perspective- when I realized that the experiment had ended, I went with my default reaction- anger of course.  And, to be fair, I will admit I am still angry.  Before this experiment I would have immediately shifted into a vindictive and mean spirited reaction, without even a thought.  And while I have thought about all of that- substantially- I have not acted or rather reacted I guess, in my normal manner.  The fact that I  have actually thought about it at all is actually pretty big for me.  I am not sure if it is just me or human nature to react in anger when you feel hurt or wronged... maybe it's just me; but what I had to realize is that I willingly participated (and really, designed) this experiment. I do not get to pout when the results are not in favor of my original hypothesis- I have to review the experiment, the methodologies, the findings and then draw appropriate conclusions from there.  I knew there was a reason I hate science!

The experiment was never really scientific to begin with, I know that.  Taking a situation in which I am already involved and trying to reverse my feelings to objective anything was doomed from the start.  I do not regard this as a failure; sure, I proved myself wrong and the experiment ended abruptly and without closure, and I feel sad and angry about that, and in the end I did fall completely subject to my feelings.  BUT I can now sit here and look at it in an objective way- perhaps what I thought this whole thing was about was never the case to begin with.  And in the end I am coming out a richer person for the experience and awareness.  And I suppose I can take a moment to relish in the fact that I am growing and will continue to move forward, no matter what.  I am not sure I believe the same for the other party.  I think that they may have taken a few steps back due to fear- and that's fine, everyone has their own process.  I am glad that when faced with the results of someone elses decision, I can choose to grow instead of digress- because I absolutely believe that growth or digression is a real choice in every situation.

I for one, do not at all want what I have always gotten, so I am not doing what I have always done.  This is the moment where I go back into myself, recenter and start back where I left off...no, not start over- to start over would do no justice to all the work I have already completed, it is all necessary and it is all useful.  It hurts right now, and I hate that.  I have spent a small amount of time shoulding on myself for allowing myself to be hurt.  I have also contemplated whether or not this whole vulnerability thing is worth it.  I want to be angry and to say fuck it to the whole vulnerability thing... but in the end, the hurt is part of the cycle- and THIS is where the objectivity really comes in handy... I could fall subject to my 'hurt feelings', I could take on a victim mentality here 'it's not fair' 'they hurt me' 'they invited me to be vulnerable and then took my vulnerability and ran off laughing' 'gotcha bitch'.  But I will not, I do think vulnerability is worth while for the deep and rich experiences it could bring about- what I have to do is reclaim my power, there is much to be gained- me thinks - by allowing oneself to be vulnerable while simultaneously holding on to one's own power....

So, I am sure I will have many more ups and downs concerning this situation.  I am also aware that I am probably not finished hashing this out in my mind.  But at least I can take responsibility for my part and continue attempting not to own what is not mine in the situation.  I need not be concerned with whether or not the other party is learning their lessons... or the 'fairness' of the situation.  Everyone makes choices, and I cannot get hung up on the decisions that others make- even when I think they were the wrong ones.  What I can do is focus on where I go from here and make my own choices.  My heart maybe heavy, but it wont last forever- Lao Tzu said "Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage."  I do feel as though I have the courage to get through my weakest moments and now, I will set my sites on strength.