Thursday, February 24, 2011

Making My Way

Yesterday was kind of a rough day. It's funny how life works out.  I go about my life, making small gains within myself as I go, and then BAM! Something happens to force me to take a look at life from a different angle.  I'll say that the last few years have been a real test in who I am... not really who I am in the world, more who I am to myself.  I once thought that I had done much work on myself... trying to live every day as my truest, most authentic self.  But more and more I am learning that what I once thought was never as true as I held it up to be.

I've lost a considerable amount of people in my life, some who were friends and are no longer, others who were friends and left this world too soon.  I know, I know it sounds like I am about to launch into a sad and depressing rant about how awful life is.  But I am not.  Sure, I mourn the loss of that which once was, but I welcome the open road of life for which I have no map.  That something to force me to take a look at my life happened (again) on Monday, and ever since then I cannot get this stuff out of my head.  So, if your bored now- maybe quit reading and come back another day!

I believe that there are no coincidences in life, I truly believe deep down in my core that every single thing happens for a reason.  The frustrating thing about that philosophy is that I general cannot discern the reason in the present moments of life; so I generally end up feeling frustrated and confused when something happens and I cannot attach a cause to it...maybe we all do that...I don't know.  This is especially true when a person dies very young.  We writhe around in grief and anger, sadness, guilt and a whole range of emotion- well, I mean that is what I have witnessed in others when this has happened with someone close to me.  Unfortunately, this has happened quite a few times in my 29 years- four times last year and there were as many before that.  This seems like an abnormally large number to me really... I met some one my age a who as of a year or two back had NEVER been to a funeral... weird.

The first young death that rocked my world was my cousin- he was 23 when he died of hodgkins disease-I was 18.  Being an only child, Jay was like a brother to me, and the world had (in my opinion) never seen a finer young man- he was kind and loving, thoughtful and generous.  He exemplified living authentically to me and it was nearly impossible to wrap my mind around why he would be taken from this earth so soon.  I eventually came to believe that he had finished his journey here on earth and that whatever he had to accomplish in his life was accomplished early.  I am not religious by any means, but I can appreciate that he is in a higher place of spiritual bliss now.  It may not be a perfect explanation, but, from where I stand and the level of complexity that my mind can compute at this time in my life, it works.

In my early 20's I lost a good number of friends, most to car accidents, drug overdoses and other general symptoms of young excess.  Just before I was to graduate with my associate degree (like weeks) someone I had been friends with for years OD'ed.  Wendy had been struggling with heroin addiction ever since we graduated high school, and she had made great strides in turning her life around, by all accounts, she was a success story for beating addiction... or so we thought.  This was one of the hardest things I have gone through thus far in my life... I say gone through on purpose, because I absolutely did not deal with it.  Wendy's mother and I were very close, and I ended up having to tell her that Wendy was gone.  From that moment on I did everything I could for everyone else so as not to have to feel what was going on inside me or deal with the situation on a personal level.

It was never a conscious choice...I never said to myself "Hey, this is too hard, let's not deal with it", it just sort of happened.  And I think from that moment on- a little piece of me died.  I locked it up in box and threw the key away, and because I did that, it has made every subsequent death...either real or metaphorical... impossible to deal with.  But now, now that I have been making this big effort to be aware of myself...the good, the bad, the ugly and the true...I am unable to put anymore into that box; and furthermore, the old skeletons I stashed in there are coming out to play.

So, on Monday, the news of another death came.  But this time the circumstances are different.  The death seems so much more tragic, and although we haven't spoken in a year and a half, it is cutting me to my core.  This time there is no one to save or comfort or focus on but myself.  This time I cannot play the hero, or healer, or shoulder to cry on.  This time there is no one to turn to but me.  And I get it now.  I am aching for some other alternative, but there is none.  Now I must mourn the death of Rachel, and Wendy, and David, and Missy, and Elaine and I could go on but there is no need.  Now I must be still and just breathe; this is hurricane of a storm, and I made it that way, so all I can do is go inward and make my way out myself this time.  Rest In Peace dear friends, I love you all, my  heart aches and tears stream down my face-I will never ever forget the lessons each one of you taught me both in life and death as well.