Patience. Aye-aye-aye. It seems all my life I have been trying to learn this lesson...I am now to the point where I have to be patient when it comes to being patient with myself! I want it all to go how I want it to go and I want it to have happened yesterday, let alone now! Good things happen to those who wait, right? Or is it that those who wait for things to happen miss the bus entirely?
Like so many things in life, patience is a paradoxical concept to me... I need to be patient, but sometimes patience can seem like laziness to me. I am forever trying to figure out which situation goes in what category... I mean sure, some are obvious... I cannot patiently wait for my house to pay itself off... that would be ridiculous. But, what about when it comes to things happening for me in life? Do I patiently wait for a better job to come along...and what if I get a job offer... do I take it because it is better money or wait (and hope) that something else comes along that is better money AND something I will enjoy?
Of course, this is all further complicated by the fact that I have also chosen now as a great time to work on being more polite... I don't even know if polite is the right word... less rude maybe? More aware of how I come off to others in certain circumstances... I am working on that whole principle of not saying anything if I have nothing nice to say...anyone who knows me knows this is a serious undertaking for me. I have always spoken my mind and told others what I thought, no matter the consequence for the other party's feelings. I was proud of that... if I had nothing else, at least I had my matter-of-fact-honesty right? Wrong.
Now I am starting to realize that some people do not want my opinion, especially if it is not what they want to hear. And I am growing okay with that...sort of...the only way I know to deal with this right now is to just remove myself from the situation. It is literally that hard for me to keep my mouth shut. Which is super frustrating...so enter the struggle with my old frienemy, patience. And it is patience on both sides...I have to be patient with myself in this process(and having patience with myself is almost as hard as having patience with others for me). I also have to be patient with the other party; whomever it may be in any given encounter. The patience to accept them where they are at and realize that where I may want them to be is not generally where they need to be for themselves and their own process.
Being a big girl is tough. Being an aware, open and responsible big girl who takes others feelings into account, WAY MORE TOUGH!!! A friend said to me recently "do you ever feel like being empathic hurts sometimes?" Uh, the answer is abosufuckinlutely! Empathy, while rewarding is also quite exhausting. Especially when I'm forced to be constantly empathic with myself and those close to me...Patience grasshopper, good things happen for you everyday! Just open your eyes and experience them.
