I had a conversation tonight that reminded me why I started this blog- so I could keep a virtual record of some of the thousands of things that scurry across my mind daily. Not all of those things are important, and of those that are important, most are probably of little to no interest to most people. But I started this blog because I realize how cyclical life is... how (at least I) wander around in different incarnations of the same patterns. I constantly find myself lifting my palm to my forehead, ala Marc from Empire Records- "Wait a minute! Wait just one minute!" And in that moment of waiting I realize- I've been here before. No, not like I have been on this planet before in a past life (although I don't entirely dispute that idea), but more- I have been in the midst of this pattern, learning this lesson, at some point in my life, prior to the present moment. Those ah-ha moments I babble about- they dissipate, they fade into the routine of day to day if they are not nurtured and cultivated- and this blog is supposed to be a record of those very moments so that I do not completely loose them when I get distracted by the next bright shiny that comes my way.
ADD, it's been a buzz word for years, it's like the blanket diagnosis given to children whose parent's cannot or will not deal with the idiosyncrasies of their child. Or it's the excuse adults give when they don't want to expand the power and capacity of their thinking. Truth is, we all have a little ADD in us- we all get distracted from whatever the task at hand may be by the next bright shiny. And I am absolutely no fucking different.
Seems like the idea of permanence and attachment have come up in various conversations quite a bit lately. I am the first to proudly profess that I have little attachment to the 'things' in my life. If my house burned to the ground tomorrow, it would be sad- but not devastating. If my car was wrecked, or my wallet stolen, it would be a pain in the ass, but I would (as I have in the past) deal with it and move the fuck on. People are a different story- I have yet to be able to apply the principles of impermanence to the people in my life. I wouldn't say I have truck loads of super close people in my life- and I am good with that, it is by design really- but there are a few who mean the world to me- if/when something happens to them, it will be pretty fucking devastating. Along the same lines- I care very little about what MOST people think of me- but there are those few whose opinions mean much to me- more than they should really.
Ya see, by not grasping the impermenance of EVERYTHING in this universe, I have left myself wide open for certain struggle. The current struggle is this- because I have in the past cared so much about what those few think- I am stuck in this crazy pattern in the here and now. What I think about what other people think of me (follow me here, I am getting to a point!) has wrapped me up in this WARPED idea of reality. For example- these people want me to be happy, my brain's translation of that is that these people want me to be happy in the ways that they find happiness. Error! Alert! STOP. I cannot be happy in the ways that make them happy- I have thus far lived a 29+ year experiment, proving this hypothesis wrong to myself infinite times along the way. The meat of the matter is that I can continue on this pattern of-do what I think they want, be discontent, rearrange, lather, rinse, repeat- OR I could just figure out what in the flying fuck makes me happy, do that and be done with it. It's so god-damned simple a two year old could do it- and they do, before they open their mouths and swallow the shit that we are fed our entire lives. until one day when we decide that we are finished eating shit. Maybe we are 20 (not likely at that age). Maybe we are 30, maybe 40 or 64 or whatever. Point being- there are multitudes of chances for us to realize we are eating shit, it is up to me make the decision to stop eating it- So this blog is the birth of that realization, and the record I keep so that I do not forget that this particular struggle isn't without good cause. And as I was so graciously told tonight- it will get easier. For my PEACE of mind, I sure fuckin hope so!
Thanks L.P. for reminding me of what I have known all along, and occasionally forget...much love to you.
