It's been a while since I've had some clarity, and while I won't make any sweeping proclamation about having clarity in this moment, it seems my brain has decided it is time to get back to a regular blogging regiment. There has been much swirl in the old noggin lately and I it's become clear that I have to write it out to sort it out. I have written before about the feeling of being on the verge of change, and I am at that spot again. I found out last week that funding is being pulled for one of my jobs... it's a sad and happy thing really. It's sad because whether I am the one doing the work or someone else, I believe the mission to be so very important. On the other hand, in June, part of my security blanket will be ripped out from under me, which is actually a really good thing. I have gotten too comfortable with where I am at in the last year... and comfort usually makes me settle. And settling leads to complacency, and well, we all know what comes after complacency.
So, for the first time in my 30 years I am being 'laid off'. I have never lost a job, not to lay off, or firing. Hell, I have never quit a job without another one waiting for me in the wings. As much as it pains me to admit, I am a practical goat of a Capricorn in that way. My other job will still be here, but it is not going to be enough to pay all my proud-to-be-an-American-debts, so I must begin looking at other options. I have begun a traditional 'job search', scouring job postings on the web, and polishing up the old resume, another first for me.
I have never done the traditional job search thing, I usually acquire jobs through networking, or hear about a position and drive the employer nuts until they hire me. Looking at all these jobs postings has made me so weary... I have an idea of what I want to do and the type of people or company I would like to work for, and for the first time, a ballpark idea of what I want to make salary wise, but it is like I am searching in the wrong places. I know myself, and I will never be able to work a traditional, punch the clock, 9-5 job, with a higher up hovering over me as if I am a child who needs babysitting. I cannot imagine being glued to a desk and computer 8 hours a day 5 days a week... the main reason I have stayed in my current position is because it is so flexible and no two days are ever the same.
Like anybody else, I would love to work for myself, unfortunately- every time I start thinking of that, the stupid pragmatist inside of me comes out in full force, ready to billy club any idea I have with 42 reasons why it won't work. That pragmatic side is so strong, I dare not utter any idea that comes to me to another soul, because the pragmatist immediately tells me what a ridiculous, convoluted idea it is, and assures me that no one would give it a serious thought. So, I have been spending a great deal of time alone, in my head, what a dangerous place to be sometimes!
I look around at my life, and the lives of my peers, and I think- "come on, pull yourself together man!" Look at all the raging success around you- success in many, many different forms- success in careers, financial success, success at love, success with family, and on and on. And it is not that I do not feel as though there is success in my life, because I know there is, hell the fact that I made it to 30 was a pretty big victory! It's not that I necessarily envy the success of those around me, ok maybe I do envy some parts of it- I envy the ability to take a risk in whatever arena, but it is not that I want what others have, it is that I see the joy that others have and I want to manifest that in my life, it just seems as though I often struggle to get out of my own fucking head long enough to make something happen.
For over a year now, it is like I have been searching desperately for some unknown, intangible thing. And that thing, whatever it may be, is right in front of me, if I simply loosen my grip on whatever intangible thing I am holding onto. That probably sounds incoherent, but I am unsure how to put that weird feeling or this weird space I am in into words. I have this feeling that I have a death grip on something that is holding me back, but I cannot put my finger on what it is... just as I have this feeling that there is something transformational within my reach, but I can't discern what that is either... I sometimes wonder if others find themselves consciously in this place, or if my monkey mind is the only one to over think EVERY FUCKING THING, ALL THE TIME. I swear to (insert deity of choice here), if I ever find the switch to turn my brain off, I will run straight toward it, and flip it off so hard I break the switch! But until then, I suppose I will keep on ruminating, it helps to get this shit out and in front of me, I do know that, although sometimes I think that as soon as I purge these thoughts to type, it makes room for still more to flow in.
I joke about switching my brain off, but I don't really mean it. I used to think that thinking was my curse (haha, that sounded much
more serious in my head, before I typed it out), now I know it's just
the way I operate, and I can either fight it or embrace it. I have at least come far enough to know that the way I am is the way I am, and that the only thing I can do is appreciate who I am as opposed to dwelling on who or what I am not. And let me tell you, it's a struggle every day, not to fight it. I just have to find ways to harness that energy in some productive form...I often feel as though I am an artist with no medium, like the creative energy in me is bubbling away, just waiting for a way to get out. It's a seriously restless feeling... but it is also a feeling that inspires me to do things, when it can be channeled. I suppose right now is my incubation period, when that energy is good and ready to manifest itself, things will materialize. I just want to be there now!!! Patience, yeah it always comes back to patience, doesn't it. Damn it!
