So, I write about school a lot, I know. But it takes up a great deal of my time...and happens to be the current catalyst for new personal awareness's and what not. It seems like I have been in school for decades...wait. I guess I have been! Straight out of high school I went to Sinclair- After spending three years getting my associate degree I moved on to the University of Cincinnati. In my time at UC I figured out that I really wanted nothing to do with the degree path I had chosen (I know, great decision after 200+ credits with one year left). I really wanted nothing to do with higher ed. I felt like all I was doing was jumping through hoops to obtain a piece of paper that basically certified me as a hoop jumper. So, I dropped out.
When I finally made the decision to go back, I went back on my terms- I was NOT going to jump through hoops anymore... if I were to obtain another degree it would be for the sole purpose of expanding my mind... the piece of paper would be secondary. So, I did that, I went back, studied my ass off, learned a metric shit ton about the world and myself, and when graduation time came around I kinda flipped out... What in the hell was I supposed to do without school? Who was I if not a student? So I did the only logical thing and applied to grad school.
I guess I should say, it was logical to me, at the time. My professor/mentor (who has one of the most amazing and brilliant minds I have ever encountered and is also a psychotherapist) was absolutely dead set against it. She kept asking me why? Why would you go to grad school? You do not belong in grad school, you belong in culinary school she said. All this did was piss me off really... why the fuck wouldn't I belong in grad school?! Did I want to go to culinary school? Well, truth be told, yes, yes I did. But anyone who knows me can attest to the fact that the surest way to get me to do anything is to tell me I can't, shouldn't or won't... then it becomes my own personal challenge to prove you wrong. Seeing red flags as personal challenges is nothing new for me-it should be a red flag to me-about myself, but it isn't- I am still working on that.
So, here I am in grad school, learning heaps and loads about myself at the bargain rate of $500 per credit hour X 8 credits per quarter. If you do the math, that is one FUCKING EXPENSIVE personal challenge. Like I have said before, I love what I am learning, I am expanding my knowledge about myself and others at a rapid rate- but, I am not so sure how I feel about the academic part. I am a lot of things, but I am not an academic. And, if I were to stay quiet and still for just a few moments, I would realize that I am jumping through hoops-my own fucking hoops. It seems as though, while I wasn't looking I snuck up on myself, hung several hoops out in front of me, and lit them on fire! Damn it Holly! For all your self proclaimed awareness, you still have some serious blind spots honey.
But, that's alright, how boring would life be if any of us had it all figured out at any particular moment? I'm not going to drop out and go to culinary school-yet. But I am going to drop down to half time next quarter, and I am going to stay with this new-found self acceptance. Sometimes, I need reminded of the brand I had stamped on my back-to thine own self be true- that means you! I still have no answer to the age old question 'what do you want to be when you grow up', but I think everyday I get a bit closer to what I want to be now.
