Holy uninspired lately...er maybe that's wholly. As usual things are clicking and shifting in my mind at a rapid rate, I blame the rain for my frightening lack of ability or need to write any of it down. But today is a day of forced inspiration... a day I have to sit down and pound out what may (or may not) be my last paper for grad school. As usual I have dragged my feet until the very last moment to get the paper done...it's an interesting concept- procrastination.
I am no stranger to the old wire...I take it down to the nearly the last moment in everything I do, but especially when writing (assignments) are involved. It makes some people nervous-my mother for instance, who has lived my entire academic life in crippling fear that I will not make my deadlines. Other people assert that procrastination is a direct result of laziness, so, in their mind if I were more driven I would have had this paper finished a week ago and be cruisin' down easy street right now. To some, procrastination is about working their best under pressure... but the reason that fit my dallying the most is that I do not sit down to write the paper until the inspiration strikes me to hit the keys on the board. Perhaps that means that I do my best work under pressure, I don't know really... all I know is that some time ago I committed to not forcing it when I write, so sometimes the best prep work I can do is to wait.
So here I sit, two days before the get the paper in or you get no credit due date and I can see absolutely why I haven't written the paper until now- because until yesterday I did not have the awareness for what I am to write about. And magically, today I have the awareness and inspiration to write a 2800 word soliloquy on an ongoing 'conflict' in my life with which I am deeply involved. This would be so much easier if I were able to write it on here in the informal less than educated rambling platform on which I love to write. Unfortunately the powers that be care little about my opinion and less for my writing style; what they want is an academically written paper backed up with 6 sources written in APA format (which I fucking hate btw).
And there it is folks, right there, this is the conflict I will be blathering on about shortly-the conflict between myself and balance in my life. I want to learn, but only on my terms. I want to write but not with all the stiff restrictions and formatting of academia. I want to increase the complexity of my thinking, but only in the areas that interest me today. I want to be copacetic and prolific at the same time. In other words, I like my pleasure spiked with pain while having my cake and eating it too, thank you very much.
I want to give the illusion of humility while secretly reveling in a job well done- the act of which nullifies personal growth completely. I want to live out life with reckless abandon, while safely coloring within the lines of what others expect of me...and at the same time leading everyone to believe that expectations mean nothing to me. Paradoxical much? Oh yes. Often. Dailey even. It's a slippery slope and and a fine line, murky water, sticky webs and all of the other worn out metaphors for how things are. All I can do is trudge on right? There is one sliver of light at the end of the long tunnel of stories we tell ourselves... and that is the light of never being completely satisfied with the here and now. While I am learning to appreciate the present moment, and I do know that I will always be wherever it is that my feet are, I will always yearn to move. Maybe not always forward, and probably NEVER in a straight line or predictable trajectory, but I will always keep going.
So, I will take this momentum onward to the scary and dark pages of academia, and I will write my paper about the illusion of balance that I sell myself everyday. And from there I will move on... where ever that may take me. Buckle up honey, your in for a ride.
