Ever come face to face with a personal pattern you were either unaware of or had forgotten about? It's definitely a weird sort of out of body experience to have someone point something out to you and it suddenly become totally illuminated.... So recently I had a couple of friends point out a pattern in me (that I knew was there, but had forgotten about) concerning work...I am a self proclaimed adrenaline junkie, control freak, and workaholic at times. After talking to my friends I dug back in my blog archives and found this post from a few years ago- Adrenaline. Re-reading that was a great reminder of how deeply embedded my patterns are. All of those adrenaline junkie, control freak, workaholic characteristic work pretty well for me in my chosen profession of promotions/event coordination... What those things don't work well with is the fact that I am a fucking crippling introvert. The two are like oil and fucking water!
Sure, I can put on the face, I can turn up the energy when I have too... but not generally for extreme stints of time without a break of some sort to re-charge. I have written about how I am often envious of those of you who can somehow harness your energy from being around other people... goddamn, if I could do that my job (and life, really) would be a piece of cake! But unfortunately, I am on the opposite end of that spectrum... while I can display those extrovert qualities if I need to, it totally drains me. People drain me. No, that doesn't mean I do not like people (although... some days I don't, haha) it just means that in the Olympic sprint that is any given day, I have to find a way to conserve my energy...Sometimes, I just wanna sit in silence. Sometimes I just need to retreat to my cave and recharge... sometimes I just need to be away from people so that I can shut my fucking brain off for 14 seconds and stop over thinking every fucking thought that runs around my mental hamster wheel.
The funniest part about this is that I FORGET ALL OF THIS about me when I am back on the adrenaline junk. In the weeks leading up to an event, I take on every single solitary responsibility possible. I wake every morning (if I am lucky enough to sleep), take that first hit, and I am off to the races so to speak. And I shove that proverbial needle back in my vein 100 times or more in the course of a day. Occasionally, I will find myself clenching my jaw, or notice my heart is pounding right out of my chest, and shit will catch up to me. There are definitely crashes... there are also solitary moments of peace, however few and far between they are...
Yeah, yeah, what's the fuckin point already? The point is that having had my neurotic tendencies pointed out to me, it reminded me that I REALLY need to appreciate those people in my life who have not only recognized this pattern in me, but do everything they can to just support the fucking cyclone that is me before an event. I have friends who check on me in 50 different ways everyday... it's like they have all silently taken on a role in helping keep me afloat in the weeks leading up to events...some help me remember shit, some know what I am thinking and speak it when I am too wound tight to speak, some people anticipate things that need done, some listen, others talk, one friend knows I am an insane insomniac when I am stressed, so she keeps on me about attempting to keep a regular sleep schedule. Another friend knows that I tend not to eat when I am stressed, and constantly (in the sweetest way possible) badgers me about that. Others will just cuddle with me in silence... some people are the huggers, and when it is alllll tooooo overwhelming, I have designated people who will just let me fucking cry and snot it out without judgement.
As always, it comes back to my fucking soul tribe. You all continually remind me that my life is really the best fucking show I will ever attend...this is only one leg of an extensive world tour... and I have the best fucking crew EVER!!!! They say it takes a village, well, I will take my tribe ANY FUCKING DAY. Because without you all, this crazy little introvert would cave in pre-production ;) You all are the most amazing fucking rock stars ever, and I fucking love all of you. Thanks for hanging in there with me, 10 more days, and I will be back to my usual neurotic self :)
