In conversation yesterday, it was suggested to me that I need some direction in my life. I wanted to be offended. I wanted to stand up and yell 'fuck off'. I wanted to be angry. Instead, I was frustrated. I tried to find an witty response, but the only thing I could come up with was 'you are right, I know.' So, in my natural way of doing things, I mulled over it all day, all night too. I am still mulling as I type. And, not surprisingly, I have come up with very few conclusions... All I can think is that for me, life direction, life paths, whatever you want to call it, they boil down to one very simple concept- passion.
I have thus far lived out my adult life based on the principal of being passionate- if you are passionate about whatever it is that you are doing, then you will love it and in turn do it well...right? Problem is, thus far in life I have not discovered anything I am particularly passionate about... Sure, I have had the privilege of witnessing other people's passions- I have friends who are passionate about their respective art forms... friends who are passionate for some type of social justice... friends who are passionate about raising their children... but I cannot say that I have any of those passions burning within me.
Sure, I am passionate for O.P.P. (other people's passions)... I have been a life long supporter of local music because 90% of my friends are musicians. The same goes for art in any form- I have friends who are amazing writers, painters, potters, sculptors, etc. I could go on, but you get the point... In school I swung from one interest to the next as far as learning went... the world's religions, psychology, art, history and on and on. I do think any were really a passion, more like a flavor of the week. This probably goes a long way to explaining why I had SO many credits when I finally graduated!
I know, get to the point, right? Well, yesterday I also happened to have a conversation with a friend about her plans for her future. I must admit, I was a bit surprised at the plan (although, at least she has a plan... that's a hell of a lot more than I have at the moment ;) Anyway, she was telling me about her five year plan, and, because it had been stuck in my mind yesterday, I could not help but ask if she was passionate about what she was proposing to go to school for and make a career out of. Her answer was that no, she had no discernible passion for the field she was choosing, but that the field in which she does have a passion offers little opportunity for employment, much less making a good living or having any stability. I berrated the poor girl with a thousand what if's and why not's, and she politely entertained my questions, although I am sure she was annoyed. Who wouldn't be annoyed after finally coming up with a plan and direction for her life only to have it picked apart and questioned, right?
I have had a great many friends do exactly what she is planning to do... go into a career path that may not be of much interest to them, but it is stable and there is the potential to make good money and have a good life. Very few of them are living a passionless life... they pursue their passions outside the work week. But you know me, I want my cake AND I want to fucking eat it! Why is that such a ridiculous concept? Why should I have to reserve the cake for evenings and weekends? Why is it so ludicrous to want to have the pleasure of eating the cake everyday all day... OK, it sounds glutinous, but I really believe that it is a possibility. Trouble is, I have not yet found my cake. Some days I think I am searching too hard for it... like it's a snake about to bite me if only I could see past the end of my broken nose... and then, some days, like yesterday... I feel as though I may not be putting forth enough effort...
I personally consider those who have found their life's passion to be SO LUCKY! I envy every one of my friends who picked up an instrument or a paintbrush or a microphone when they were young and realized that doing that thing (whatever it was for each of them) completed them. Or those who found this one subject in school to be totally and completely fulfilling such that they wanted to study that for the rest of their lives... Those who went to school and said I want to be a (fill in the blank) and then directed their lives toward pursuing and meeting that goal.
I do not know that my goal of 'I want to be a better human' fits into those criteria... What exactly does being a better human mean you ask? I cannot answer, and that my friends is a problem. There is no room in this world for yet another wanderer... I need a plan, but from where I stand at this moment a plan looks like lop-sided compromise... like the only way to have a plan is to give up some of the stalwart ideas I have about life... like finding a career path that I may or may not like and committing to it-in the interest of money and stability-forever. GOD I hate that word, forever. I am standing at the exact same crossroads I stood a year ago... Do I go back and finish school? I do not have any particular interest in going back, but then again I have no other immediate back up... Is $550 a credit hour worth it for 'something to occupy my mind'? Maybe I should just take on another job- what else am I going to do?! I have a monkey mind and all this free time is driving me crazy!
Do I pursue a passion? How does that work exactly if one has no discernible passion? I don't feel like passion is something you can necessarily seek out... I think that it is one of those things that has to happen organically... I also think it a bit weird that I have nearly made it to thirty without a passion... have I allowed my passions to pass me by? Am I that blind?! Or, perhaps it's just that I place to much emphasis on passion in general. So many people I know say- just find a good job and stick to it... all this fence sitting is making me restless. Some days, I want to go into the basement of my brain and flip the breaker switch! STOP THINKING SO MUCH you weirdo!! But, I can't. So I guess the next best thing is to write it all out on here... get it out in front of me and then come back to it later... maybe then I will get some clarity. I guess until that clarity comes I will just keep my eyes open for my cake... Oh look! A shiny!
