Friday, May 27, 2011

It Really Is All About Me

Something I am learning about patience. Patience is completely different than waiting.  Patience is having the perseverance to know that things will work out in life however they are supposed to.  Waiting is a different concept entirely.  Waiting is going against the grain, wishing and hoping for things to work out the way you want them to.  Patience takes tenacity, it takes finesse, it takes awareness  and consciousness.  Whereas waiting requires a person stick ones head in the sand in an ostrich-like fashion.  There can be no awareness during the waiting process, otherwise we would realize waiting does as much good as wishing upon a star.

Waiting requires nothing but the ability to continuously be let down and wait some more.  How insane is that? Who wants to wait for something they think they want only to be let down consistently?!  Patience is about shifting perspective... instead of waiting on what you think you want- how about patiently doing the footwork so that what you deserve has the space in your life to materialize.  I am just beginning to realize that the things I have waited on are really not worth waiting for anyway.  I have been doing the same thing over and over, waiting for a different outcome to appear and then been shocked and disappointed when things do not pan out in the way in which I think they should. This may sound arrogant --although I don't really care, I know myself and I know I am not arrogant--but I am worth more than waiting.  I think that once I can fully shift my mentality away from the waiting game to the patience dance things will start shifting in my life.

I found my experiment slipping into subjectivity this week, and man was that a painful, angsty, and disgusting place to be.  I am so grateful to be surrounded by people who will hold me accountable in one way or another.  I had started thinking about the experiment from a  feelings standpoint, it happened without me even recognizing it.  Each day I spent in the subjective made me more and more resentful... to the other parties.  What came to me last night is that there can be no anger, no resentment, no fingers pointed, no 'shoulds' unless they are all pointed directly at me.  I chose to go on with this little experiment, knowing full well that it could be playing rush and roulette with myself...I knew the only person that stood to 'lose' anything was me.  And so, with that sort of consciousness, the only thing I can do is stand here and admit- the experiment has been much more difficult then I had originally pinned it for. So, it really is all about me, but not so much in a princess way- more in a you are the only one to be held accountable way.

I do feel a bit victorious though, it may have taken a week, but I caught on to the cunning game my heart tried to play with my head.  And because of that I feel as though I have lost absolutely nothing and gained legions of perspective on myself... including another inkling of my worth.  I do not know the exact time line, but I do know this....I am on the verge of knowing and owning my own worth... and when the day comes where the full extent of that enters my consciousness... all I can say is LOOK OUT WORLD.  Because I will be here, and be here to stay.  Until then I will remain patiently aware of this process, as much as I can, and with the help of those who keep me honest, of course : )  And I will work all the more hard on not allowing myself to be let down.  It is so freeing to know that I am the one in control of that, NOBODY has that power over me.  And, you know, I'm pretty excited to take ownership of my own stuff- the truly aware person waits for nothing, but instead patiently pursues what they deserve.