"Sometimes you love least the people in life who love you most; until you remember, you life is worth nothing without them in it."
I will admit to not having a source for that quote, but it struck me so deeply when I heard it that I feel the need to talk about it. I know I have been guilty of doing this in my life, and more than that, I know that I and many of my friends have fallen prey to others who have done it to us. Really, in the last year or so I would say those words have become more and more apparent in my life in one way or another. Perhaps it something about the transitioning period around the thirty year mark... most of my friends have been turning thirty in the last few years and there has been a great many shift within us.
It's hardest for me (and I am guessing most others) to experience others not loving me the way I love them, it is shocking to make that realization. I am generally the girl who loves totally and completely-my friends and lovers alike. They are certainly different kinds of love, obviously. But I generally do not have relationships without intimacy... and of course, there are varying levels of intimacy...from familial to platonic to the intimacy shared with a lover... but in each case there is an undeniable closeness that allows the relationship to function in whatever capacity it serves.
When I was a teenager I was often guilty of loving least those who loved me most... my parents. Of course, I had little love or respect for myself so there was little room for me to reciprocate. This opened up a pattern I followed for myself for years- I went from relationship to relationship and the equation was never balanced...Either I loved those most who loved me least or I loved least the partners who loved me most. Paradoxical, I know, like any other thing that catches my attention of late. So this went on with relationships, and before I knew it... it seeped into my friendships too.
I spent many years loving friends who could have cared less about me... and to a certain extent, still do. While I should be clear, I have a core group of people in my life who absolutely bring balance to the friendship see-saw... in fact the few GOOD friends I have are more like family to me than what others would call friends. But there are definitely a few that would not know the love, loyalty and benefits of friendship if they were smacked in the face with it. My brother-from-another-mother and I always say...it's not a points system, but it is; meaning we do things for our friends not because we expect to have those actions reciprocated, but because we have the kind of friendship that implies reciprocation.
The concept of reciprocity in this context is one that involves a great deal of finesse. It's not a tit for tat thing... meaning when someone does something for me, I am not immediately required to pay it back in kind- it's more a flow, a seamless dance from moment to moment. And, in fact we did not figure out 'it's not a points system, but it is' until he and I both noticed gaping holes some of our friendships...We realized that we had been on autopilot for a long time-continuously affording others the benefit of the doubt and experiencing reciprocity less and less. And at a certain point something happened; and over a long, late night conversation our non-point system was born.
It's not something consciously thought about on a daily basis- it is more something that flows into the consciousness occasionally. And I understand that some people are in a better space to play the game of giving AND receiving than others. Sometimes we all get to a space where all we can do is receive, and that is okay, every once in a while. What's not okay is when all we ever do is receive. ESPECIALLY when we are completely unaware that we are doing it- going about daily life THINKING you are reciprocating, giving yourself credit for it only to be tipping the see-saw in your favor. And this is not an awareness that can be pointed out to you, this is definitely something each persona has to arrive at on their own.
Those who love you most are the biggest gift life can offer you. They are the ones who can actually execute the non-points system and do it well. Unfortunately, for whatever reason, we as humans seem to always be drawn to that which we can't have... or those who appear not to want us, and so the cycle continues. So, maybe take stock of those who love you most-do you love them least? And if so WHY?! I know this is an eye opener for me...it helps me to remember to love myself most some of the time instead of loving myself least most of the time...and once I am aware of that, the other bit of the picture that seemed fuzzy and out of focus becomes painfully obvious and clear. To those in my life who love me most, thank you; it is my intention everyday to let you all know how very deeply I love and appreciate you. Hopefully this will become more apparent as I shift my energies away from those who love me least, to those of you who love me most.
Monday, May 30, 2011
Friday, May 27, 2011
It Really Is All About Me
Something I am learning about patience. Patience is completely different than waiting. Patience is having the perseverance to know that things will work out in life however they are supposed to. Waiting is a different concept entirely. Waiting is going against the grain, wishing and hoping for things to work out the way you want them to. Patience takes tenacity, it takes finesse, it takes awareness and consciousness. Whereas waiting requires a person stick ones head in the sand in an ostrich-like fashion. There can be no awareness during the waiting process, otherwise we would realize waiting does as much good as wishing upon a star.
Waiting requires nothing but the ability to continuously be let down and wait some more. How insane is that? Who wants to wait for something they think they want only to be let down consistently?! Patience is about shifting perspective... instead of waiting on what you think you want- how about patiently doing the footwork so that what you deserve has the space in your life to materialize. I am just beginning to realize that the things I have waited on are really not worth waiting for anyway. I have been doing the same thing over and over, waiting for a different outcome to appear and then been shocked and disappointed when things do not pan out in the way in which I think they should. This may sound arrogant --although I don't really care, I know myself and I know I am not arrogant--but I am worth more than waiting. I think that once I can fully shift my mentality away from the waiting game to the patience dance things will start shifting in my life.
I found my experiment slipping into subjectivity this week, and man was that a painful, angsty, and disgusting place to be. I am so grateful to be surrounded by people who will hold me accountable in one way or another. I had started thinking about the experiment from a feelings standpoint, it happened without me even recognizing it. Each day I spent in the subjective made me more and more resentful... to the other parties. What came to me last night is that there can be no anger, no resentment, no fingers pointed, no 'shoulds' unless they are all pointed directly at me. I chose to go on with this little experiment, knowing full well that it could be playing rush and roulette with myself...I knew the only person that stood to 'lose' anything was me. And so, with that sort of consciousness, the only thing I can do is stand here and admit- the experiment has been much more difficult then I had originally pinned it for. So, it really is all about me, but not so much in a princess way- more in a you are the only one to be held accountable way.
I do feel a bit victorious though, it may have taken a week, but I caught on to the cunning game my heart tried to play with my head. And because of that I feel as though I have lost absolutely nothing and gained legions of perspective on myself... including another inkling of my worth. I do not know the exact time line, but I do know this....I am on the verge of knowing and owning my own worth... and when the day comes where the full extent of that enters my consciousness... all I can say is LOOK OUT WORLD. Because I will be here, and be here to stay. Until then I will remain patiently aware of this process, as much as I can, and with the help of those who keep me honest, of course : ) And I will work all the more hard on not allowing myself to be let down. It is so freeing to know that I am the one in control of that, NOBODY has that power over me. And, you know, I'm pretty excited to take ownership of my own stuff- the truly aware person waits for nothing, but instead patiently pursues what they deserve.
Waiting requires nothing but the ability to continuously be let down and wait some more. How insane is that? Who wants to wait for something they think they want only to be let down consistently?! Patience is about shifting perspective... instead of waiting on what you think you want- how about patiently doing the footwork so that what you deserve has the space in your life to materialize. I am just beginning to realize that the things I have waited on are really not worth waiting for anyway. I have been doing the same thing over and over, waiting for a different outcome to appear and then been shocked and disappointed when things do not pan out in the way in which I think they should. This may sound arrogant --although I don't really care, I know myself and I know I am not arrogant--but I am worth more than waiting. I think that once I can fully shift my mentality away from the waiting game to the patience dance things will start shifting in my life.
I found my experiment slipping into subjectivity this week, and man was that a painful, angsty, and disgusting place to be. I am so grateful to be surrounded by people who will hold me accountable in one way or another. I had started thinking about the experiment from a feelings standpoint, it happened without me even recognizing it. Each day I spent in the subjective made me more and more resentful... to the other parties. What came to me last night is that there can be no anger, no resentment, no fingers pointed, no 'shoulds' unless they are all pointed directly at me. I chose to go on with this little experiment, knowing full well that it could be playing rush and roulette with myself...I knew the only person that stood to 'lose' anything was me. And so, with that sort of consciousness, the only thing I can do is stand here and admit- the experiment has been much more difficult then I had originally pinned it for. So, it really is all about me, but not so much in a princess way- more in a you are the only one to be held accountable way.
I do feel a bit victorious though, it may have taken a week, but I caught on to the cunning game my heart tried to play with my head. And because of that I feel as though I have lost absolutely nothing and gained legions of perspective on myself... including another inkling of my worth. I do not know the exact time line, but I do know this....I am on the verge of knowing and owning my own worth... and when the day comes where the full extent of that enters my consciousness... all I can say is LOOK OUT WORLD. Because I will be here, and be here to stay. Until then I will remain patiently aware of this process, as much as I can, and with the help of those who keep me honest, of course : ) And I will work all the more hard on not allowing myself to be let down. It is so freeing to know that I am the one in control of that, NOBODY has that power over me. And, you know, I'm pretty excited to take ownership of my own stuff- the truly aware person waits for nothing, but instead patiently pursues what they deserve.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
The Luckiest Man
Ever have one of those days where you feel as though your on the brink of something? I have been having them often lately, and I am grateful for that. Even if I cannot discern what I am on the brink of, at least I am balancing on my tip toes-this heightens my sense of awareness and makes it possible for me to actually see or feel or experience whatever it may be... And I have been balancing on my tippy toes for days now, maybe weeks.
Anyhow, I thought it was important to update on how my little experiment with myself is going. I have continued to take my emotions in the experimental situation out of myself and make them object, and not surprisingly, some days are much easier than others. I have found been finding alternate things to focus my energy on, as well as trying to refine some of the attributes that would make being objective in the situation much easier. What can I say? Some days I win, some days it is more of a wash, but I can say that I have not lost a day since I started this.
There is much to be said about taking personal power back. I know, I know, personal power sounds so yucky and new agey. But when I step back and look at the factors that I can control in the situation and those that are beyond my control, I realize I had given far too much power to those factors that are just out of my reach. When I made the goal list last week I chose to focus specifically on making an effort to not give people and situations more power than they deserve. Because in any situation that could potentially involve my feelings- if I allow myself to become subject to them- I want to be the one cracking-the-whip so to speak.
What I find fascinating and confounding at the same time is the razor thin line must one walk between awareness and being callous in order to both continue holding the objective whip and subjective feather tickler at once. I can see why some people just turn off their emotional switch as opposed to trying to calibrate this dimmer switch... finding that perfect light somewhere in the middle is absolutely insane, but I will admit, it is insanely intriguing to me. I have found myself at times, getting a good old fashion case of the fuck-its-like
"Fuck it. This is way to hard." or "fuck it, it would be easier to just not care". That last one about not caring is a bit surprising when it comes into my head, I have never been the one who CAN just not care, I have never been able to flip that particular switch in my brain. In fact, I am generally the one who is walking around with the giant neon flashing light over my head- that I do care and will happily care for you when you cannot care for yourself.
But, not so much lately. Lately I have been trying out caring about me... which is where the thinking behind it being easier to not care is coming from. All my life it has been easier to care for others so as not to care about myself. THIS IS NOT ABOUT PITY. This is about a life lesson that I think so many other chronically self-less people struggle with as well... I would rather crawl across salted broken glass than shift my focus from others to myself, and wow that isn't healthy is it? But I really believe that human personalities can be boiled down into three categories... The chronically selfless, the chronically selfish and those who have a good balance of both. There is nothing better or worse about being on either extreme of the spectrum, trust me. I am no better than some of the friends and partners I have had who are chronically selfish... if anything, those who are selfish all the time are happier... they derive fulfillment in life directly from themselves, so they are rarely let down or disappointed.
Those who are chronically selfless look like this-
The first thought when the awake in the morning is of someone or something other than themselves.
They are frequently trying to figure out how to make others happy, how to help others, how to make others lives easier in some way. They will go out of their way to help a friend or even acquaintance in need, even if it is at the expense of their own time, money or sanity. For the most part this is all done with little expectation on the return of their emotional investment. However, beware. The line of emotional burn out is invisible, it can pop up at any moment and what happens with these folk after it has been crossed is often unpredictable. They suddenly feel used, mistreated and taken advantage of. They cannot understand why the other party would not return their love, affection, friendship, whatever it may be, in kind. These are the people who love indiscriminately across the spectrum, with so many kettles on the fire, one will most certainly boil over from time to time.Here is the loyal friend or partner that requires little maintenance, but without that tiny bit of upkeep, becomes and even more faithful enemy. In general, they are their own worst enemy.
Those who are chronically selfish look like this-
Their first and last thoughts morning and night are of themselves. Often when something great happens to them they rejoice and share it with everyone right away, coming accross as boastful without meaning to. They take care of their own needs before anyone else and have little problem spending money time or energy on themselves. Where the selfless give all of themselves away daily, the selfish are tough nuts to crack. They seem self serving and arrogant, although this is only a matter of self preservation to them. Where the selfless people derive most of their energy from the happiness and good fortune of others, the selfish derive almost all of their energy from themselves, this is much more self-sustaining that the mechanism the selfless use, although later in life it can be quite a lonesome existence. Here is the friend that seems to know everyone but has no true or close friends or connections. They are often financially resourceful and seem to be in the right place at the right time every time. They have few enemy's because they never allow anyone to get close enough to them to betray them. As selfless people do not understand selfish people, the same can be said in reverse... these two types could not be more foreign to each other... The selfish think it foolish to go around letting people in... they do not understand intimacy to mean anything other than a sexual encounter and certainly would not use the word love unless there were no other word in all the Rosetta Stone courses to use.
Then you have the lucky balanced bastards-
I say that in jest, they are only bastards because I have not yet figured out myself how to acquire that balance! These are the people who make both amazing partners and friends. They have found a way to balance both taking care of themselves as well as being their for those whom they care for. They have a mix of acquaintances and very close friends. They are able to balance the time they spend with others and the time needed to focus on themselves in order to stay in that equilibration state. These people have achieved a level of awareness that goes beyond the singular to the plural. They live their lives in the moment with an eye on the future. They take into account ALL sides of a scenario, not merely the side that may effect them or the side that will effect others. These are the people who make good partners, they can help those in either of the other two categories grow, so that they too can become balanced. It should be said that a pair with one selfless person and one selfish person will be doomed from the get... because their weaknesses exacerbate each other rather than being complementary.
I want to stress that I am not bashing either side of the spectrum, wherever you are is wherever you are supposed to be for your own personal growth. I am merely pointing out observations I have made and being honest about my struggles on my particular end. Nor would I say any of this is proven fact or dogma... this is merely one view point which is inherently skewed through my own experiences. There is only one sucky choice in any situation... and that is the decision to stay stuck in whatever the current pattern of life is. If you think your are chronically selfish than work on it!!!! If you think you are inherently selfless than take those first steps toward balance. Life is all about the forward motion, at least in my opinion. How else will we ever get to where we need to be?!
Anyhow, I thought it was important to update on how my little experiment with myself is going. I have continued to take my emotions in the experimental situation out of myself and make them object, and not surprisingly, some days are much easier than others. I have found been finding alternate things to focus my energy on, as well as trying to refine some of the attributes that would make being objective in the situation much easier. What can I say? Some days I win, some days it is more of a wash, but I can say that I have not lost a day since I started this.
There is much to be said about taking personal power back. I know, I know, personal power sounds so yucky and new agey. But when I step back and look at the factors that I can control in the situation and those that are beyond my control, I realize I had given far too much power to those factors that are just out of my reach. When I made the goal list last week I chose to focus specifically on making an effort to not give people and situations more power than they deserve. Because in any situation that could potentially involve my feelings- if I allow myself to become subject to them- I want to be the one cracking-the-whip so to speak.
What I find fascinating and confounding at the same time is the razor thin line must one walk between awareness and being callous in order to both continue holding the objective whip and subjective feather tickler at once. I can see why some people just turn off their emotional switch as opposed to trying to calibrate this dimmer switch... finding that perfect light somewhere in the middle is absolutely insane, but I will admit, it is insanely intriguing to me. I have found myself at times, getting a good old fashion case of the fuck-its-like
"Fuck it. This is way to hard." or "fuck it, it would be easier to just not care". That last one about not caring is a bit surprising when it comes into my head, I have never been the one who CAN just not care, I have never been able to flip that particular switch in my brain. In fact, I am generally the one who is walking around with the giant neon flashing light over my head- that I do care and will happily care for you when you cannot care for yourself.
But, not so much lately. Lately I have been trying out caring about me... which is where the thinking behind it being easier to not care is coming from. All my life it has been easier to care for others so as not to care about myself. THIS IS NOT ABOUT PITY. This is about a life lesson that I think so many other chronically self-less people struggle with as well... I would rather crawl across salted broken glass than shift my focus from others to myself, and wow that isn't healthy is it? But I really believe that human personalities can be boiled down into three categories... The chronically selfless, the chronically selfish and those who have a good balance of both. There is nothing better or worse about being on either extreme of the spectrum, trust me. I am no better than some of the friends and partners I have had who are chronically selfish... if anything, those who are selfish all the time are happier... they derive fulfillment in life directly from themselves, so they are rarely let down or disappointed.
Those who are chronically selfless look like this-
The first thought when the awake in the morning is of someone or something other than themselves.
They are frequently trying to figure out how to make others happy, how to help others, how to make others lives easier in some way. They will go out of their way to help a friend or even acquaintance in need, even if it is at the expense of their own time, money or sanity. For the most part this is all done with little expectation on the return of their emotional investment. However, beware. The line of emotional burn out is invisible, it can pop up at any moment and what happens with these folk after it has been crossed is often unpredictable. They suddenly feel used, mistreated and taken advantage of. They cannot understand why the other party would not return their love, affection, friendship, whatever it may be, in kind. These are the people who love indiscriminately across the spectrum, with so many kettles on the fire, one will most certainly boil over from time to time.Here is the loyal friend or partner that requires little maintenance, but without that tiny bit of upkeep, becomes and even more faithful enemy. In general, they are their own worst enemy.
Those who are chronically selfish look like this-
Their first and last thoughts morning and night are of themselves. Often when something great happens to them they rejoice and share it with everyone right away, coming accross as boastful without meaning to. They take care of their own needs before anyone else and have little problem spending money time or energy on themselves. Where the selfless give all of themselves away daily, the selfish are tough nuts to crack. They seem self serving and arrogant, although this is only a matter of self preservation to them. Where the selfless people derive most of their energy from the happiness and good fortune of others, the selfish derive almost all of their energy from themselves, this is much more self-sustaining that the mechanism the selfless use, although later in life it can be quite a lonesome existence. Here is the friend that seems to know everyone but has no true or close friends or connections. They are often financially resourceful and seem to be in the right place at the right time every time. They have few enemy's because they never allow anyone to get close enough to them to betray them. As selfless people do not understand selfish people, the same can be said in reverse... these two types could not be more foreign to each other... The selfish think it foolish to go around letting people in... they do not understand intimacy to mean anything other than a sexual encounter and certainly would not use the word love unless there were no other word in all the Rosetta Stone courses to use.
Then you have the lucky balanced bastards-
I say that in jest, they are only bastards because I have not yet figured out myself how to acquire that balance! These are the people who make both amazing partners and friends. They have found a way to balance both taking care of themselves as well as being their for those whom they care for. They have a mix of acquaintances and very close friends. They are able to balance the time they spend with others and the time needed to focus on themselves in order to stay in that equilibration state. These people have achieved a level of awareness that goes beyond the singular to the plural. They live their lives in the moment with an eye on the future. They take into account ALL sides of a scenario, not merely the side that may effect them or the side that will effect others. These are the people who make good partners, they can help those in either of the other two categories grow, so that they too can become balanced. It should be said that a pair with one selfless person and one selfish person will be doomed from the get... because their weaknesses exacerbate each other rather than being complementary.
I want to stress that I am not bashing either side of the spectrum, wherever you are is wherever you are supposed to be for your own personal growth. I am merely pointing out observations I have made and being honest about my struggles on my particular end. Nor would I say any of this is proven fact or dogma... this is merely one view point which is inherently skewed through my own experiences. There is only one sucky choice in any situation... and that is the decision to stay stuck in whatever the current pattern of life is. If you think your are chronically selfish than work on it!!!! If you think you are inherently selfless than take those first steps toward balance. Life is all about the forward motion, at least in my opinion. How else will we ever get to where we need to be?!
Monday, May 23, 2011
Just a Little Patience
Patience. Aye-aye-aye. It seems all my life I have been trying to learn this lesson...I am now to the point where I have to be patient when it comes to being patient with myself! I want it all to go how I want it to go and I want it to have happened yesterday, let alone now! Good things happen to those who wait, right? Or is it that those who wait for things to happen miss the bus entirely?
Like so many things in life, patience is a paradoxical concept to me... I need to be patient, but sometimes patience can seem like laziness to me. I am forever trying to figure out which situation goes in what category... I mean sure, some are obvious... I cannot patiently wait for my house to pay itself off... that would be ridiculous. But, what about when it comes to things happening for me in life? Do I patiently wait for a better job to come along...and what if I get a job offer... do I take it because it is better money or wait (and hope) that something else comes along that is better money AND something I will enjoy?
Of course, this is all further complicated by the fact that I have also chosen now as a great time to work on being more polite... I don't even know if polite is the right word... less rude maybe? More aware of how I come off to others in certain circumstances... I am working on that whole principle of not saying anything if I have nothing nice to say...anyone who knows me knows this is a serious undertaking for me. I have always spoken my mind and told others what I thought, no matter the consequence for the other party's feelings. I was proud of that... if I had nothing else, at least I had my matter-of-fact-honesty right? Wrong.
Now I am starting to realize that some people do not want my opinion, especially if it is not what they want to hear. And I am growing okay with that...sort of...the only way I know to deal with this right now is to just remove myself from the situation. It is literally that hard for me to keep my mouth shut. Which is super frustrating...so enter the struggle with my old frienemy, patience. And it is patience on both sides...I have to be patient with myself in this process(and having patience with myself is almost as hard as having patience with others for me). I also have to be patient with the other party; whomever it may be in any given encounter. The patience to accept them where they are at and realize that where I may want them to be is not generally where they need to be for themselves and their own process.
Being a big girl is tough. Being an aware, open and responsible big girl who takes others feelings into account, WAY MORE TOUGH!!! A friend said to me recently "do you ever feel like being empathic hurts sometimes?" Uh, the answer is abosufuckinlutely! Empathy, while rewarding is also quite exhausting. Especially when I'm forced to be constantly empathic with myself and those close to me...Patience grasshopper, good things happen for you everyday! Just open your eyes and experience them.
Like so many things in life, patience is a paradoxical concept to me... I need to be patient, but sometimes patience can seem like laziness to me. I am forever trying to figure out which situation goes in what category... I mean sure, some are obvious... I cannot patiently wait for my house to pay itself off... that would be ridiculous. But, what about when it comes to things happening for me in life? Do I patiently wait for a better job to come along...and what if I get a job offer... do I take it because it is better money or wait (and hope) that something else comes along that is better money AND something I will enjoy?
Of course, this is all further complicated by the fact that I have also chosen now as a great time to work on being more polite... I don't even know if polite is the right word... less rude maybe? More aware of how I come off to others in certain circumstances... I am working on that whole principle of not saying anything if I have nothing nice to say...anyone who knows me knows this is a serious undertaking for me. I have always spoken my mind and told others what I thought, no matter the consequence for the other party's feelings. I was proud of that... if I had nothing else, at least I had my matter-of-fact-honesty right? Wrong.
Now I am starting to realize that some people do not want my opinion, especially if it is not what they want to hear. And I am growing okay with that...sort of...the only way I know to deal with this right now is to just remove myself from the situation. It is literally that hard for me to keep my mouth shut. Which is super frustrating...so enter the struggle with my old frienemy, patience. And it is patience on both sides...I have to be patient with myself in this process(and having patience with myself is almost as hard as having patience with others for me). I also have to be patient with the other party; whomever it may be in any given encounter. The patience to accept them where they are at and realize that where I may want them to be is not generally where they need to be for themselves and their own process.
Being a big girl is tough. Being an aware, open and responsible big girl who takes others feelings into account, WAY MORE TOUGH!!! A friend said to me recently "do you ever feel like being empathic hurts sometimes?" Uh, the answer is abosufuckinlutely! Empathy, while rewarding is also quite exhausting. Especially when I'm forced to be constantly empathic with myself and those close to me...Patience grasshopper, good things happen for you everyday! Just open your eyes and experience them.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
What is it?
Since I am currently a grad-school-drop-out-laze-about, with no apparent plans or goals for my life, I think it may be time to set at least a few short term goals. Being that I do have a touch of the commitment-phobia, these are not earth shattering, but I think they will go a long way toward me becoming a little more independent and hopefully a little less commitment-phobic. Baby steps, chica. Baby steps. So, here we go-
This summer it is my goal to-
This summer it is my goal to-
- Figure out how to start the mother fucking lawn mower all by myself.
- Learn how to ride a motorcycle and own one by at least next summer. I feel like knowing how to ride a motorcycle is one of those life skills I should have... like swimming or driving a standard.
- Learn how to change my own oil. Another life skill I think I must have.
- Step out of my comfort zone, this should be fairly easy, since most of my comfort zone will be moving before summer's end- and the second part of that- MEET NEW PEOPLE!
- Develop the skills to read and understand astrological charts... this will probably be a lifetime goal, but I do aim to keep at it.
- Find a job that I enjoy and that actually pays me what I am worth. Vacation time and health insurance a must. Time to grow up and be a big girl. Money may not be everything, but it means a whole lot when you don't have it!
- Commit to what it is that I want in life. Not that I will have it all figured out, but I need to grow some balls and own what it is that I want- or it will never happen.
- Let go of the stuff, people and situations I allow to bring me down. In other words, practice reminding myself about the impermanence of life. The less attachment to that stuff the better.
- Obtain at least one great piece of art.
- Either get my bike working or get a new one all together.
- And, finally, there are three places I must go in the next year- Florida, California, and Montanna.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Start a Revolution!!!
Collaboration is back with avengence tonight! Grateful Mama and i have been kicking around the idea of writing an entry about all of the bad pick-up lines out there... The list involves only lines that she, I or some of our friends have had used on them. So here is a list of the lines that are either so lame or worn out or just pointless that they will NEVER work.
"You look like someone I have never met before!"
Really? What is that supposed to mean exactly? Of course I look like someone you have never met before, because WE HAVE NEVER MET!!!! And, more than likely, we never will either.
"Are you tired? Because you have been running through my mind all day!"
I'm tired of hearing this line...shouldn't this have been retired in the 70's or something. Number one rule for starting a conversation with a girl... be genuine and original!
"Your officially the hottest chick in this bar! I'm gunna build you a float out of ho-ho's and ding-dongs!" Though this is creative, this doesn't matter when you were the only person in the bar that was voting. It is worth the laugh and the lame conversation that will likely follow.
"Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? 'Cause you must me an angel!"
This is one that I hope to never hear again. It is over-used and far from original. If this one is used, there will not be any conversation at all. Just walk away and go cry yourself to sleep.
"Do you know who you remind me of?"
Yes. I already know. I guess you can tell me again, if you must. I can only hope that I may simply remind you of me, but we all know that I'd be asking far too much! Save yourself the walk over and the effort that is required in discussing this topic.
"Hey! Did you just fart?! 'Cause you just blew me away!"
Maybe there are mixed opinions on this line. To my knowledge, it isn't exactly overused. It is worth the laugh and if you're cute and have the personality to woo me...it might work.
"Can I get your number?"
No.
"How's (your friend I have already had sex with)? Hey, you wanna hang out sometime?"
Seriously? This is not okay. It is rude to my friend and rude to me. Not only did you sleep with said friend, but I also walked in on you sleeping with her. This is just not good.
"Is that your feet that I smell? [No] Oh, must be your pussy then."
Hahahahaha! I don't really even know what to say. Though it is hilarious, I don't like the idea that you said my pussy was smelly. You probably will not be visiting that area. Nice try, though. Definitely an A for effort.
"You gonna come back to my house? I'll make you french toast in the morning."
or
"You gonna make me french toast in the morning?"
Both of these don't work because we all know there will be no french toast in the morning. However, it would be a whole lot better if there was!
"Hey girl, you play Halo?"
Oh, YS... The good old days. And no. I don't play Halo. I do however enjoy long, tandem topless bike rides without you.
"Did you get the right pizza? I still have an extra." (from the pizza guy)
I did get the right pizza. You and I both know that I did. But, if this is the only way that you think you can have a conversation with me, then I guess there will be work to do.
"Do you mind if it takes him (his penis) a little bit?"
Yes. I do mind. Do you mind if I just show you the door? I am not into putting forth all that effort. Be ready or just go. You're wasting my time.
"I'd feel a lot better if I was waking up next to you."
Hmm, this depends on context really... if this is your opening line, I don't see you feeling alot better when you wake up... if your have worked up to this, then it may be just what the doctor ordered.
"You're like the girl next door."
Again, what does this mean exactly?! Where do you live? If you live on the eastside, this is not at all a complement, and by girl... do you mean little girl?! Because that is just disgusting. So, on the whole, I would say this is worn out and an epic fail.
"You look good, You look healthy."
Healthy? What is healthy exactly? Don't use lines that are so ambiguous it could be taken as an insult, it won't bode well for you.
"Nice outfit, it would look alot better on my floor."
This is just ridiculous. Do you know how long it took me to pick this outfit out? I certainly do not want it on your floor. And furthermore, enjoy my fucking outfit and the time I took to put myself together before you go insisting on taking it off of me.
"I'll just follow you home, to make sure you get there alright."
Ugh, yeah no. You will not be finding out where I live tonight, or ever (and especially if you are going to blow up somebody's Escalade.)
""I'm too drunk for you to be out here all alone."
If your too drunk to speak correctly you are too drunk to speak to me. Spill your drink on someone else thank you very much.
"Do you work at Subway? Because you just gave me a footlong."
Too bad it is probably more like a Little Smokie, go ahead and hop back on the Oscar Meyer Weinie mobile.
"If I had a nickle for every girl I saw as beautiful as you, I would have 5 cents."
Thank goodness that you would have an extra five cents. Hopefully next time that you use this you will up the anty.
"Do you have a map? Because I just got lost in your eyes."
Please, do not use this one. I will be sure to give you some precise directions to the door. Yes, my eyes are beautiful. They are the map to my soul. If you use this line, that map will certainly lead you to your certain doom.
"I wish I was DNA. So I could unzip your jeans."
This made me laugh. Clever and not one that you hear everyday, but it won't get you anywhere.
"I may not be the hottest guy in here, but I am the only one talking to you."
Ouch. The way to a girl's heart or bed, for that matter, is not to insult her. Way to make me feel like I am special or that I matter. Hope you enjoy your sad night at home.
"I love kids."
No, you don't. Not only do you not love kids, but I have immediately erased your existence from my mind as a potential anything. I think two things of you after you say this statement. The first thought is that you are a liar. My second thought is that perhaps you are a pedophile. Either way, this is not a winning line.
Lines that work:
There aren't any lines to report for ones that work. What would work is if you were honest, genuine, and didn't try so hard to impress me. Obviously it isn't working. If you think that it does work, refer back to the top... of lines that don't work. If you really want to get the girl, it is not about a line at all. It is about a conversation. Showing interest... maybe not even talking, but listening. I realize that many guys don't give a shit about the girl, all they want is the girl parts for the night, but, sometimes life ain't easy. And it's never easy if it is truly worth it.
Ladies, make them realize you are worth it... these lines would not be worn out and cliche if they did not work at least some of the time... care more about yourself than to fall for some stupid ass line in a bar! We can ban together and stop bad pick-up lines from spreading! If a guys want's your time, he better show you he is worthy of it! And, just remeber, if all he can come up with is some worn out, insulting or lame line to get your attention, he will probably deliver the same performance in bed any way. We can start a revolution!
Credit where credit is due-thanks for the contributions ladies!
Laura G.
Erin W.
Kaylee H.
Tonya M.
McKenzie M.
Salome G.
"You look like someone I have never met before!"
Really? What is that supposed to mean exactly? Of course I look like someone you have never met before, because WE HAVE NEVER MET!!!! And, more than likely, we never will either.
"Are you tired? Because you have been running through my mind all day!"
I'm tired of hearing this line...shouldn't this have been retired in the 70's or something. Number one rule for starting a conversation with a girl... be genuine and original!
"Your officially the hottest chick in this bar! I'm gunna build you a float out of ho-ho's and ding-dongs!" Though this is creative, this doesn't matter when you were the only person in the bar that was voting. It is worth the laugh and the lame conversation that will likely follow.
"Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? 'Cause you must me an angel!"
This is one that I hope to never hear again. It is over-used and far from original. If this one is used, there will not be any conversation at all. Just walk away and go cry yourself to sleep.
"Do you know who you remind me of?"
Yes. I already know. I guess you can tell me again, if you must. I can only hope that I may simply remind you of me, but we all know that I'd be asking far too much! Save yourself the walk over and the effort that is required in discussing this topic.
"Hey! Did you just fart?! 'Cause you just blew me away!"
Maybe there are mixed opinions on this line. To my knowledge, it isn't exactly overused. It is worth the laugh and if you're cute and have the personality to woo me...it might work.
"Can I get your number?"
No.
"How's (your friend I have already had sex with)? Hey, you wanna hang out sometime?"
Seriously? This is not okay. It is rude to my friend and rude to me. Not only did you sleep with said friend, but I also walked in on you sleeping with her. This is just not good.
"Is that your feet that I smell? [No] Oh, must be your pussy then."
Hahahahaha! I don't really even know what to say. Though it is hilarious, I don't like the idea that you said my pussy was smelly. You probably will not be visiting that area. Nice try, though. Definitely an A for effort.
"You gonna come back to my house? I'll make you french toast in the morning."
or
"You gonna make me french toast in the morning?"
Both of these don't work because we all know there will be no french toast in the morning. However, it would be a whole lot better if there was!
"Hey girl, you play Halo?"
Oh, YS... The good old days. And no. I don't play Halo. I do however enjoy long, tandem topless bike rides without you.
"Did you get the right pizza? I still have an extra." (from the pizza guy)
I did get the right pizza. You and I both know that I did. But, if this is the only way that you think you can have a conversation with me, then I guess there will be work to do.
"Do you mind if it takes him (his penis) a little bit?"
Yes. I do mind. Do you mind if I just show you the door? I am not into putting forth all that effort. Be ready or just go. You're wasting my time.
"I'd feel a lot better if I was waking up next to you."
Hmm, this depends on context really... if this is your opening line, I don't see you feeling alot better when you wake up... if your have worked up to this, then it may be just what the doctor ordered.
"You're like the girl next door."
Again, what does this mean exactly?! Where do you live? If you live on the eastside, this is not at all a complement, and by girl... do you mean little girl?! Because that is just disgusting. So, on the whole, I would say this is worn out and an epic fail.
"You look good, You look healthy."
Healthy? What is healthy exactly? Don't use lines that are so ambiguous it could be taken as an insult, it won't bode well for you.
"Nice outfit, it would look alot better on my floor."
This is just ridiculous. Do you know how long it took me to pick this outfit out? I certainly do not want it on your floor. And furthermore, enjoy my fucking outfit and the time I took to put myself together before you go insisting on taking it off of me.
"I'll just follow you home, to make sure you get there alright."
Ugh, yeah no. You will not be finding out where I live tonight, or ever (and especially if you are going to blow up somebody's Escalade.)
""I'm too drunk for you to be out here all alone."
If your too drunk to speak correctly you are too drunk to speak to me. Spill your drink on someone else thank you very much.
"Do you work at Subway? Because you just gave me a footlong."
Too bad it is probably more like a Little Smokie, go ahead and hop back on the Oscar Meyer Weinie mobile.
"If I had a nickle for every girl I saw as beautiful as you, I would have 5 cents."
Thank goodness that you would have an extra five cents. Hopefully next time that you use this you will up the anty.
"Do you have a map? Because I just got lost in your eyes."
Please, do not use this one. I will be sure to give you some precise directions to the door. Yes, my eyes are beautiful. They are the map to my soul. If you use this line, that map will certainly lead you to your certain doom.
"I wish I was DNA. So I could unzip your jeans."
This made me laugh. Clever and not one that you hear everyday, but it won't get you anywhere.
"I may not be the hottest guy in here, but I am the only one talking to you."
Ouch. The way to a girl's heart or bed, for that matter, is not to insult her. Way to make me feel like I am special or that I matter. Hope you enjoy your sad night at home.
"I love kids."
No, you don't. Not only do you not love kids, but I have immediately erased your existence from my mind as a potential anything. I think two things of you after you say this statement. The first thought is that you are a liar. My second thought is that perhaps you are a pedophile. Either way, this is not a winning line.
Lines that work:
There aren't any lines to report for ones that work. What would work is if you were honest, genuine, and didn't try so hard to impress me. Obviously it isn't working. If you think that it does work, refer back to the top... of lines that don't work. If you really want to get the girl, it is not about a line at all. It is about a conversation. Showing interest... maybe not even talking, but listening. I realize that many guys don't give a shit about the girl, all they want is the girl parts for the night, but, sometimes life ain't easy. And it's never easy if it is truly worth it.
Ladies, make them realize you are worth it... these lines would not be worn out and cliche if they did not work at least some of the time... care more about yourself than to fall for some stupid ass line in a bar! We can ban together and stop bad pick-up lines from spreading! If a guys want's your time, he better show you he is worthy of it! And, just remeber, if all he can come up with is some worn out, insulting or lame line to get your attention, he will probably deliver the same performance in bed any way. We can start a revolution!
Credit where credit is due-thanks for the contributions ladies!
Laura G.
Erin W.
Kaylee H.
Tonya M.
McKenzie M.
Salome G.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Peaks, Valleys, and the Cave
Peaks and valleys. This is the landscape of life... and when your on the high peaks, the air is crisp and clear and the sun shines bright, and your heart beats fast and the smiles are never ending. And then there's the decent. It's gradual and we rarely notice it until we arrive in the valley. The sun seems to disappear behind the clouds and the smiles fade, instead of beating fast the heart is heavy, and storm looms on the horizon.
In another time I would have searched desperately for a cave from which to cover from the storm... I would have hidden myself away until the skies cleared and the path back to the peak became apparent. But, as I am sitting cross legged in the valley I am bringing my experiment to the scene. I am taking the experience of the valley and holding it out in front of me as object. Is the valley really that bad? Is it as scary and lonely as I make it out to be? Okay, yes. It is scary, and it is very, very lonely. And right now I don't foresee any paths back up to the peak. So I wait and I listen. And I look around and think wow. This is painful. Really super painful. Not like end of the world nothing to live for painful. More like really wrenching and resonating pain. The pain that means something. The pain that veils the greatness waiting just around the corner. And I know this, I feel it in my bones. But the pain is so distracting. It is so tough not to just focus on it and get caught up in the vortex that it is.
I think that is maybe why growth comes after the storms in life...the storms are often what usher in the pain, and the pain is often what I get caught up in. I forget that there is always another moment coming. This one will not last forever...and I may feel pain now, but there could be bliss just beyond it. And I am not the type of girl who gives up. I asked for the pain when I opened myself up to whatever is out there in order to grow. I can't just ask for something and once I have gotten the first half of it say I want to give it back. No, I take what I am given and turn it into the greatness it could be if I could get off my pot-o-pity and work through the pain. There is no ebb is without the flow. And nothing is deserved if it has not been worked for.
It seems like so much has changed in the last year or so, which is not a bad thing, change is good I know, but it seems like such a huge shift. I wanted to be alone and figure myself out... and here I am. I have got the alone part down! It seems life has arranged things so that I will really understand solidarity... And I don't hate it...Its not my fave, but it could be worse. What I hate is the figuring myself out part. It seems that every other day I or someone close to me asks the elusive question-
"Well, what do you want?" And all I can do is stammer and stutter at the thought of answering that,
"I have no idea" is always my meager reply. I think that I am beginning to see that I do know what I want somewhere inside my mind's eye, I am just more frightened to commit it to words than anything I have ever uttered aloud.
And at the thought I shutter... it is so selfish I tell myself. And a man wiser than me says-
"I think it is time you stop trying to save everybody else and learn how to be a little more selfish..."
And the tears flow and my nose snots and I cry. Damn it. I know in my heart he is right. But doing what he says seems so easy in words and utterly impossible in action. I have heard about this lesson before...it has lurked in the shadows and corners of my mind for a while... but I have always run for shelter in the cave when that particular storm brews up. Not this time. This time we are going to spar this one out, and I will come out victorious, right past the corner of greatness. It's within my reach, I know it. All I have to do it reach out and grab it, and I will, the only reason it doesn't feel like my time is because I won't allow it to be. I have to learn to be a little selfish before I can claim my greatness. What I do know is, peak or valley, I won't be returning to the cave this time.
In another time I would have searched desperately for a cave from which to cover from the storm... I would have hidden myself away until the skies cleared and the path back to the peak became apparent. But, as I am sitting cross legged in the valley I am bringing my experiment to the scene. I am taking the experience of the valley and holding it out in front of me as object. Is the valley really that bad? Is it as scary and lonely as I make it out to be? Okay, yes. It is scary, and it is very, very lonely. And right now I don't foresee any paths back up to the peak. So I wait and I listen. And I look around and think wow. This is painful. Really super painful. Not like end of the world nothing to live for painful. More like really wrenching and resonating pain. The pain that means something. The pain that veils the greatness waiting just around the corner. And I know this, I feel it in my bones. But the pain is so distracting. It is so tough not to just focus on it and get caught up in the vortex that it is.
I think that is maybe why growth comes after the storms in life...the storms are often what usher in the pain, and the pain is often what I get caught up in. I forget that there is always another moment coming. This one will not last forever...and I may feel pain now, but there could be bliss just beyond it. And I am not the type of girl who gives up. I asked for the pain when I opened myself up to whatever is out there in order to grow. I can't just ask for something and once I have gotten the first half of it say I want to give it back. No, I take what I am given and turn it into the greatness it could be if I could get off my pot-o-pity and work through the pain. There is no ebb is without the flow. And nothing is deserved if it has not been worked for.
It seems like so much has changed in the last year or so, which is not a bad thing, change is good I know, but it seems like such a huge shift. I wanted to be alone and figure myself out... and here I am. I have got the alone part down! It seems life has arranged things so that I will really understand solidarity... And I don't hate it...Its not my fave, but it could be worse. What I hate is the figuring myself out part. It seems that every other day I or someone close to me asks the elusive question-
"Well, what do you want?" And all I can do is stammer and stutter at the thought of answering that,
"I have no idea" is always my meager reply. I think that I am beginning to see that I do know what I want somewhere inside my mind's eye, I am just more frightened to commit it to words than anything I have ever uttered aloud.
And at the thought I shutter... it is so selfish I tell myself. And a man wiser than me says-
"I think it is time you stop trying to save everybody else and learn how to be a little more selfish..."
And the tears flow and my nose snots and I cry. Damn it. I know in my heart he is right. But doing what he says seems so easy in words and utterly impossible in action. I have heard about this lesson before...it has lurked in the shadows and corners of my mind for a while... but I have always run for shelter in the cave when that particular storm brews up. Not this time. This time we are going to spar this one out, and I will come out victorious, right past the corner of greatness. It's within my reach, I know it. All I have to do it reach out and grab it, and I will, the only reason it doesn't feel like my time is because I won't allow it to be. I have to learn to be a little selfish before I can claim my greatness. What I do know is, peak or valley, I won't be returning to the cave this time.
Monday, May 9, 2011
Happily Ever After
Hopes and Dreams. We all have them, in fact most of us have people in our lives who have hopes and dreams for us as well. Other's hopes and dreams come in the form of well wishes...parents wanting desperately for their children to be happy and successful, friends supporting one another to obtain their goals..etc. They shift and change as we grow and learn throughout our lives...For example, when I was a child, maybe 5 or so, my dream was to marry my grandfather. No, not in a weird way, in the way that I was the center of his universe and he was the center of mine, in that beautiful age of innocence he was my hero. Anyway, hopes and dreams are the public version of what we want...what we will tell the rest of the world out of fear that our deepest fantasies may not be accepted by the rest of the world. Not only that, but we will set ourselves up not to seek out our fantasies for fear of missing the mark. I am not speculating here, this is all from experience.
I have never really verbalized my own hopes, dreams or fantasies, but since I started thinking about it I have surprised myself with what I truly want in life. My hopes are to be happy, to have a life rich in relationships-platonic and love based, and to have a purpose whatever that may be. My fantasy is a bit more our there. I want a fairytale- and thankfully I have come to a point in my life where I have realized that I get to write my own fairytale, I control who the hero and villains are, the setting, the scene and the ending...Ok, so I don't have control over the whole thing, but I do have control as to what characters I choose to write in and who I choose to write out. This one variable pretty much sets up the entire story.
It is less about Prince Charming and more about happily ever after, I do not know exactly what that looks like yet, but I am sure I will know when I get there! I suppose in a way, I am still looking to fulfill that dream from when I was five...What I am searching for are quality people to fill the roles in my story. People who bring personality and life to the tale I tell everyday. And, I am getting there, my story has an amazing cast of characters thus far. And I know my story will continue to be written everyday. Some days it's less a fairytale and more a daytime drama, but that's okay, we all need a little drama woven into the mundane... it keeps us on our toes!
I guess I am attempting to stay honest with myself... if I don't out my own fantasy it will be too tempting to box it up and store it away in favor of something easier (albeit less rewarding). It takes a good deal of patience and perseverance to wait for what we truly want...or even wait until we figure out what we truly want! To be still until what we deserve comes our way as opposed to what we think we want...or what makes for a good story. I sometimes refer to this as letting it happen organically... and I hate waiting for what will be to be... but I am always so much more satisfied when the process unravels without me stirring the pot.
I know a few people who have patiently waited while their own stories unravel until at once what they want, need and what is happening sync up... and it is truly a beautiful and magical thing. I am so glad that there are people in my life who could set that example for me- so that I know sticking to my guns will pay off, AND so that I have the patience to know it will not happen on my time line...On the other hand, I also know people who talk until they are blue about their hopes and dreams and would not know their own fantasy if it walked up to them and slapped them in the face- because they packed that fantasy away in favor of convention long, long ago. And I see those people and think, damn... I have been there. I have been the one sorting my life out into the categories of this is how it is and that is what has to happen. I hated it, and I refuse to spend my life in the confines of 'that is just the way it is'. It saddens me to think that there are some who will never wake up from that coma. But I am grateful to be fully conscious in my own life.
So I am gunna keep drafting my fairytale... because one day, the shoe will fit, and I will lace it up and run into the sunset of my own personal happily ever after. But for now, I am content in the here and now moments of my fairytale in the making... "I ain't no damsel in distress, and I don't need to be rescued"...but I am a Phoenix and I will always rise up from the ash:) And, by the way, I know there are really no tragedies or villains in my story-because all the character's and scenes are contributing to what will eventually be the most amazing happily ever after!
I have never really verbalized my own hopes, dreams or fantasies, but since I started thinking about it I have surprised myself with what I truly want in life. My hopes are to be happy, to have a life rich in relationships-platonic and love based, and to have a purpose whatever that may be. My fantasy is a bit more our there. I want a fairytale- and thankfully I have come to a point in my life where I have realized that I get to write my own fairytale, I control who the hero and villains are, the setting, the scene and the ending...Ok, so I don't have control over the whole thing, but I do have control as to what characters I choose to write in and who I choose to write out. This one variable pretty much sets up the entire story.
It is less about Prince Charming and more about happily ever after, I do not know exactly what that looks like yet, but I am sure I will know when I get there! I suppose in a way, I am still looking to fulfill that dream from when I was five...What I am searching for are quality people to fill the roles in my story. People who bring personality and life to the tale I tell everyday. And, I am getting there, my story has an amazing cast of characters thus far. And I know my story will continue to be written everyday. Some days it's less a fairytale and more a daytime drama, but that's okay, we all need a little drama woven into the mundane... it keeps us on our toes!
I guess I am attempting to stay honest with myself... if I don't out my own fantasy it will be too tempting to box it up and store it away in favor of something easier (albeit less rewarding). It takes a good deal of patience and perseverance to wait for what we truly want...or even wait until we figure out what we truly want! To be still until what we deserve comes our way as opposed to what we think we want...or what makes for a good story. I sometimes refer to this as letting it happen organically... and I hate waiting for what will be to be... but I am always so much more satisfied when the process unravels without me stirring the pot.
I know a few people who have patiently waited while their own stories unravel until at once what they want, need and what is happening sync up... and it is truly a beautiful and magical thing. I am so glad that there are people in my life who could set that example for me- so that I know sticking to my guns will pay off, AND so that I have the patience to know it will not happen on my time line...On the other hand, I also know people who talk until they are blue about their hopes and dreams and would not know their own fantasy if it walked up to them and slapped them in the face- because they packed that fantasy away in favor of convention long, long ago. And I see those people and think, damn... I have been there. I have been the one sorting my life out into the categories of this is how it is and that is what has to happen. I hated it, and I refuse to spend my life in the confines of 'that is just the way it is'. It saddens me to think that there are some who will never wake up from that coma. But I am grateful to be fully conscious in my own life.
So I am gunna keep drafting my fairytale... because one day, the shoe will fit, and I will lace it up and run into the sunset of my own personal happily ever after. But for now, I am content in the here and now moments of my fairytale in the making... "I ain't no damsel in distress, and I don't need to be rescued"...but I am a Phoenix and I will always rise up from the ash:) And, by the way, I know there are really no tragedies or villains in my story-because all the character's and scenes are contributing to what will eventually be the most amazing happily ever after!
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Nature, Nurture and the Stars...
Sunshine and Cinco de Mayo... Perfect!
In continuance with yesterday's theme about how I think and process, today I am wondering about other people's processes. What makes people make the decisions (or not make the decisions) they make? I think that the answer is super complex... it has to do with a whole host of factors and goes all the way way back to being a wee one. Take for instance how a person grew up, and what was modeled for them, but that doesn't explain it completely...I know some people who basically raised themselves and are now pretty bad-ass human beings... I also know a few people who have lived their entire life with a silver spoon in their mouths and are lazy, non-productive complainers waiting on the world to give them what they think they are owed.
So, I think the degree and kind of nurturing people get has some to do with it... along with that, environment certainly assists in development at all stages as well. And by environment I do not mean just your home... but early choices in peer groups... hell ANY choices in friends... if you hang out with a bunch of losers it may be tough not to follow suit, even if your parents love you and you have a decent home life... I was certainly a shiny example of that... I was the lazy sack of shit snorting drugs in the bathroom in high school, but I am not now... what changed?
Being that most of my friends are now parents I have had endless conversations about these very things with many of them. A couple in particular argue that your educational environment has a lot to do with how you turn out as an adult... Having been the *only* private schooler in my high school group of friends, I tend to go on the defensive whenever someone insists that private school is an advantage I had... I used to disagree with that... Although, after our conversation I have been dissuaded from my view point slightly...I don't think it matters whether the school is Catholic, private or public... I think it matters who is teaching/working in the school... are the classes too big for the teachers to care? Is the school too big for you not to know most of the children and parents around your child's age? These are the important things in my opinion... is your kid just another kid or are they one of the children the village is raising? Does that village extend beyond the school yard? As much as socializing your child is important, I think so too is socializing yourself as a parent...
Let's come back to that modeling piece... I think that kids are the most impressionable and amazing blank canvases... I also subscribe to the whole 'parents do what they can with what they have got'...to a certain extent...I think that as much as I ramble on about mindfulness this is MOST important when you are charged with the care of a wee one. And, this is not just the parent's job... we are all charged with being mindful as to what we present to the new generation that is beginning to arrive on the earth... this is another place where our Mr. Roger mentality needs to be booted... As adults why not support each other in these 'adult' endeavors such as parenting? Why judge what momma A does and what daddy B does? Instead, why not support the mommas and daddy's in our lives in whatever way we can.
Okay, so we have got: how you were raised, what you are exposed to... what else? What about when and where you were born... is there something to be said about stars aligning? I'm referring to astrology, another wildly popular topic I am sure! But I do think there is something to this piece as well... I think that the way in which we process and deal or avoid dealing with things in our lives has to do with our personality... which is linked to your astrology (in my humble opinion). Look at people you know... what makes a Taurus so likely to be bullheaded? Aquarians to be such free spirits? Sure, there is a certain amount about who we are and how we turn out that we can mold and shape, but I also believe that some of this is predestined by birth... I intend to look at this in more detail at some point, as I am pretty ignorant on the subject...
Wow, I have rambled on and not come to any conclusions really, except this- The difference in the ways we each live out our lives comes down to personal (NOT INDIVIDUAL) choice. If I am presented with a life challenge we can almost lay money on the fact that I will deal with it differently then another, but lets be clear, different is not individual or unique- because it has all been done before... I will merely make the choice based on my experiences and another will make their choice based on their experiences. I have said it before, I will say it again... it is all about mimetic structures... Even if I vow to do it differently than how I was raised... doing the opposite is in fact doing the same thing if you think about it... we will always mimic that which we know, even if we are not conscious of knowing it...
In continuance with yesterday's theme about how I think and process, today I am wondering about other people's processes. What makes people make the decisions (or not make the decisions) they make? I think that the answer is super complex... it has to do with a whole host of factors and goes all the way way back to being a wee one. Take for instance how a person grew up, and what was modeled for them, but that doesn't explain it completely...I know some people who basically raised themselves and are now pretty bad-ass human beings... I also know a few people who have lived their entire life with a silver spoon in their mouths and are lazy, non-productive complainers waiting on the world to give them what they think they are owed.
So, I think the degree and kind of nurturing people get has some to do with it... along with that, environment certainly assists in development at all stages as well. And by environment I do not mean just your home... but early choices in peer groups... hell ANY choices in friends... if you hang out with a bunch of losers it may be tough not to follow suit, even if your parents love you and you have a decent home life... I was certainly a shiny example of that... I was the lazy sack of shit snorting drugs in the bathroom in high school, but I am not now... what changed?
Being that most of my friends are now parents I have had endless conversations about these very things with many of them. A couple in particular argue that your educational environment has a lot to do with how you turn out as an adult... Having been the *only* private schooler in my high school group of friends, I tend to go on the defensive whenever someone insists that private school is an advantage I had... I used to disagree with that... Although, after our conversation I have been dissuaded from my view point slightly...I don't think it matters whether the school is Catholic, private or public... I think it matters who is teaching/working in the school... are the classes too big for the teachers to care? Is the school too big for you not to know most of the children and parents around your child's age? These are the important things in my opinion... is your kid just another kid or are they one of the children the village is raising? Does that village extend beyond the school yard? As much as socializing your child is important, I think so too is socializing yourself as a parent...
Let's come back to that modeling piece... I think that kids are the most impressionable and amazing blank canvases... I also subscribe to the whole 'parents do what they can with what they have got'...to a certain extent...I think that as much as I ramble on about mindfulness this is MOST important when you are charged with the care of a wee one. And, this is not just the parent's job... we are all charged with being mindful as to what we present to the new generation that is beginning to arrive on the earth... this is another place where our Mr. Roger mentality needs to be booted... As adults why not support each other in these 'adult' endeavors such as parenting? Why judge what momma A does and what daddy B does? Instead, why not support the mommas and daddy's in our lives in whatever way we can.
Okay, so we have got: how you were raised, what you are exposed to... what else? What about when and where you were born... is there something to be said about stars aligning? I'm referring to astrology, another wildly popular topic I am sure! But I do think there is something to this piece as well... I think that the way in which we process and deal or avoid dealing with things in our lives has to do with our personality... which is linked to your astrology (in my humble opinion). Look at people you know... what makes a Taurus so likely to be bullheaded? Aquarians to be such free spirits? Sure, there is a certain amount about who we are and how we turn out that we can mold and shape, but I also believe that some of this is predestined by birth... I intend to look at this in more detail at some point, as I am pretty ignorant on the subject...
Wow, I have rambled on and not come to any conclusions really, except this- The difference in the ways we each live out our lives comes down to personal (NOT INDIVIDUAL) choice. If I am presented with a life challenge we can almost lay money on the fact that I will deal with it differently then another, but lets be clear, different is not individual or unique- because it has all been done before... I will merely make the choice based on my experiences and another will make their choice based on their experiences. I have said it before, I will say it again... it is all about mimetic structures... Even if I vow to do it differently than how I was raised... doing the opposite is in fact doing the same thing if you think about it... we will always mimic that which we know, even if we are not conscious of knowing it...
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Pieces of What?
Now that the paper is finished I can shift my focus back to a little experiment I have been brewing up in my head... I have always been one to be driven hard and fast by my emotions. Everything I feel I feel deeply-anger, sadness, happiness, fear... whatever the emotion in my head at the moment generally takes hold of my heart. I used to hate this, it can be very inconvenient most of the time. But lately I have been trying to embrace the fact that I feel my way through life as opposed to envying those who think their way through life...The thinkers always seem so calm and collected... they seem to be organized, calculated and objective. In comparison to some thinkers, feelers may seem like loose cannons... society judges feelers as unpredictable and weak- even the sciences dealing with feelings are considered 'soft'.
So, while I do believe that living an emotionally charged life is tough at times, it is also rich and exciting. I think that living life any other way may be too boring or stale for me... but I can see the pluses to not having a visceral reaction to everything. So, for the last month or so I have been testing out a hypothesis... Can feelers choose what they attach emotion to? If we are conscious and purposeful is it possible to suspend emotional attachment?
So far, the answer is a shaky yes. It takes some serious vigilance, I have to continually take the emotion out of my reaction and hold it out in front of me. In essence I am taking the emotions that I am at all times subject to and holding them out in an objective form. This is not easy, while I try to be as mindful as I can in my daily life, this requires a degree of attention I have not as of yet mastered. I think that trying it out in one subject area is a good practice to be able to incorporate it in my everyday, moment to moment processing. I am by no means professing that I am going down the path of objectivity from here on out- that would be preposterous and a gross oversight in the richness that flows from me being me. I am simply cross-training so to speak- if my natural inclination is to do things x way, then why not try my hand at y right?
So far it is working, and so I have my fuel to keep up this little experiment and see what unfolds. There are an infinite number of ways this could pan out... I may grow tired of objectivity and fall into my ocean of emotions at any moment... I may fall pray to my emotions even with strict vigilance and constantly reminding myself to stay objective, I may dull the sharp, cutting edge of my emotions all together and decide feeling is not all it is cracked up to be... I might loose my mind and move to Ireland too, all of these are possibilities, some maybe more likely than others, but I'm gunna stick this one out... I am looking at the specific situation with an imperial mindset... when an emotional response comes up, what is that about? Where is it coming from and why? I want to know if my emotional responses can be boiled down to simple triggers, markers, and measurable variables... if so, than in similar circumstances I should be able to change my reaction based upon the manipulation of said variables...
Seems like a lot of energy to expend on something so intangable, I know. But what is there to conquer in life but the self we subject ourselves and others to all the time right? There are always more corners of your own mind, experience and complexity to explore, I want to be the one who knows me best.
So, while I do believe that living an emotionally charged life is tough at times, it is also rich and exciting. I think that living life any other way may be too boring or stale for me... but I can see the pluses to not having a visceral reaction to everything. So, for the last month or so I have been testing out a hypothesis... Can feelers choose what they attach emotion to? If we are conscious and purposeful is it possible to suspend emotional attachment?
So far, the answer is a shaky yes. It takes some serious vigilance, I have to continually take the emotion out of my reaction and hold it out in front of me. In essence I am taking the emotions that I am at all times subject to and holding them out in an objective form. This is not easy, while I try to be as mindful as I can in my daily life, this requires a degree of attention I have not as of yet mastered. I think that trying it out in one subject area is a good practice to be able to incorporate it in my everyday, moment to moment processing. I am by no means professing that I am going down the path of objectivity from here on out- that would be preposterous and a gross oversight in the richness that flows from me being me. I am simply cross-training so to speak- if my natural inclination is to do things x way, then why not try my hand at y right?
So far it is working, and so I have my fuel to keep up this little experiment and see what unfolds. There are an infinite number of ways this could pan out... I may grow tired of objectivity and fall into my ocean of emotions at any moment... I may fall pray to my emotions even with strict vigilance and constantly reminding myself to stay objective, I may dull the sharp, cutting edge of my emotions all together and decide feeling is not all it is cracked up to be... I might loose my mind and move to Ireland too, all of these are possibilities, some maybe more likely than others, but I'm gunna stick this one out... I am looking at the specific situation with an imperial mindset... when an emotional response comes up, what is that about? Where is it coming from and why? I want to know if my emotional responses can be boiled down to simple triggers, markers, and measurable variables... if so, than in similar circumstances I should be able to change my reaction based upon the manipulation of said variables...
Seems like a lot of energy to expend on something so intangable, I know. But what is there to conquer in life but the self we subject ourselves and others to all the time right? There are always more corners of your own mind, experience and complexity to explore, I want to be the one who knows me best.
Monday, May 2, 2011
She's Got a Ticket to Ride
Holy uninspired lately...er maybe that's wholly. As usual things are clicking and shifting in my mind at a rapid rate, I blame the rain for my frightening lack of ability or need to write any of it down. But today is a day of forced inspiration... a day I have to sit down and pound out what may (or may not) be my last paper for grad school. As usual I have dragged my feet until the very last moment to get the paper done...it's an interesting concept- procrastination.
I am no stranger to the old wire...I take it down to the nearly the last moment in everything I do, but especially when writing (assignments) are involved. It makes some people nervous-my mother for instance, who has lived my entire academic life in crippling fear that I will not make my deadlines. Other people assert that procrastination is a direct result of laziness, so, in their mind if I were more driven I would have had this paper finished a week ago and be cruisin' down easy street right now. To some, procrastination is about working their best under pressure... but the reason that fit my dallying the most is that I do not sit down to write the paper until the inspiration strikes me to hit the keys on the board. Perhaps that means that I do my best work under pressure, I don't know really... all I know is that some time ago I committed to not forcing it when I write, so sometimes the best prep work I can do is to wait.
So here I sit, two days before the get the paper in or you get no credit due date and I can see absolutely why I haven't written the paper until now- because until yesterday I did not have the awareness for what I am to write about. And magically, today I have the awareness and inspiration to write a 2800 word soliloquy on an ongoing 'conflict' in my life with which I am deeply involved. This would be so much easier if I were able to write it on here in the informal less than educated rambling platform on which I love to write. Unfortunately the powers that be care little about my opinion and less for my writing style; what they want is an academically written paper backed up with 6 sources written in APA format (which I fucking hate btw).
And there it is folks, right there, this is the conflict I will be blathering on about shortly-the conflict between myself and balance in my life. I want to learn, but only on my terms. I want to write but not with all the stiff restrictions and formatting of academia. I want to increase the complexity of my thinking, but only in the areas that interest me today. I want to be copacetic and prolific at the same time. In other words, I like my pleasure spiked with pain while having my cake and eating it too, thank you very much.
I want to give the illusion of humility while secretly reveling in a job well done- the act of which nullifies personal growth completely. I want to live out life with reckless abandon, while safely coloring within the lines of what others expect of me...and at the same time leading everyone to believe that expectations mean nothing to me. Paradoxical much? Oh yes. Often. Dailey even. It's a slippery slope and and a fine line, murky water, sticky webs and all of the other worn out metaphors for how things are. All I can do is trudge on right? There is one sliver of light at the end of the long tunnel of stories we tell ourselves... and that is the light of never being completely satisfied with the here and now. While I am learning to appreciate the present moment, and I do know that I will always be wherever it is that my feet are, I will always yearn to move. Maybe not always forward, and probably NEVER in a straight line or predictable trajectory, but I will always keep going.
So, I will take this momentum onward to the scary and dark pages of academia, and I will write my paper about the illusion of balance that I sell myself everyday. And from there I will move on... where ever that may take me. Buckle up honey, your in for a ride.
I am no stranger to the old wire...I take it down to the nearly the last moment in everything I do, but especially when writing (assignments) are involved. It makes some people nervous-my mother for instance, who has lived my entire academic life in crippling fear that I will not make my deadlines. Other people assert that procrastination is a direct result of laziness, so, in their mind if I were more driven I would have had this paper finished a week ago and be cruisin' down easy street right now. To some, procrastination is about working their best under pressure... but the reason that fit my dallying the most is that I do not sit down to write the paper until the inspiration strikes me to hit the keys on the board. Perhaps that means that I do my best work under pressure, I don't know really... all I know is that some time ago I committed to not forcing it when I write, so sometimes the best prep work I can do is to wait.
So here I sit, two days before the get the paper in or you get no credit due date and I can see absolutely why I haven't written the paper until now- because until yesterday I did not have the awareness for what I am to write about. And magically, today I have the awareness and inspiration to write a 2800 word soliloquy on an ongoing 'conflict' in my life with which I am deeply involved. This would be so much easier if I were able to write it on here in the informal less than educated rambling platform on which I love to write. Unfortunately the powers that be care little about my opinion and less for my writing style; what they want is an academically written paper backed up with 6 sources written in APA format (which I fucking hate btw).
And there it is folks, right there, this is the conflict I will be blathering on about shortly-the conflict between myself and balance in my life. I want to learn, but only on my terms. I want to write but not with all the stiff restrictions and formatting of academia. I want to increase the complexity of my thinking, but only in the areas that interest me today. I want to be copacetic and prolific at the same time. In other words, I like my pleasure spiked with pain while having my cake and eating it too, thank you very much.
I want to give the illusion of humility while secretly reveling in a job well done- the act of which nullifies personal growth completely. I want to live out life with reckless abandon, while safely coloring within the lines of what others expect of me...and at the same time leading everyone to believe that expectations mean nothing to me. Paradoxical much? Oh yes. Often. Dailey even. It's a slippery slope and and a fine line, murky water, sticky webs and all of the other worn out metaphors for how things are. All I can do is trudge on right? There is one sliver of light at the end of the long tunnel of stories we tell ourselves... and that is the light of never being completely satisfied with the here and now. While I am learning to appreciate the present moment, and I do know that I will always be wherever it is that my feet are, I will always yearn to move. Maybe not always forward, and probably NEVER in a straight line or predictable trajectory, but I will always keep going.
So, I will take this momentum onward to the scary and dark pages of academia, and I will write my paper about the illusion of balance that I sell myself everyday. And from there I will move on... where ever that may take me. Buckle up honey, your in for a ride.
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