Pulse

Not long ago, it was pointed out to me that I fear rejection more than death, and in the moment, that made perfect sense to me... upon further reflection, I realized that thought process may be in the minority, and it is what keeps me paralyzed in my own head.  In an attempt to further unpack all this, I have been challenging myself to seek out where that originates within me... I frequently feel as though I am missing the glaringly obvious connection points... all of this shit has got to correlate somehow, I just cannot, for the fucking life of me, see how. 




Part of me wants so desperately to rid myself of that hollow, empty, loneliness that lurks in the deep pockets of my consciousness.  But I am also aware of the need to honor all of the fragments that form who I am.  I know they all have to do with a frame I built long, long ago.  Crafted partially out of cultural and social constructs, partly out of a subconscious story I've been telling myself most of my life, which makes it all seem so tough to dismantle.

Each time I experience another genuine glimmer of myself, I like it... which is why I am confounded as to why it appears to be such a struggle to pull those authentic pieces of myself to the surface.  Lately, I am recognizing more of the ways in which I hide those parts of me.  I guess maybe hiding is the wrong word... maybe those pieces are shrouded or skewed, hiding under layers of carefully contrived boobie traps.  Luckily, my consciousness allows for a tiny few rays of light to filter through my cracks... so even when the innocent, frightened, little girl I sometimes refuse to acknowledge, retreats to what's left of her partially dismantled wonder wall, my soul tribe members develop an extraction plan and dispatch a search party.  Upon emerging, I am able to look back and survey the progress.  Each time I revisit what used to be the fortress of my defenses, I dismantle yet another piece of that crumbled skeleton and further the rebuild which is my new frame.

I would have never guessed this process to be so paradoxical. I am constantly wrecking to re-build, dismantling to re-assemble, and retreating to emerge. While I hate those uncomfortable stretches that accompany inner expansion, I love them at the same time. I am fairly certain that nothing will ever be crystal clear, but I am also pretty sure that I do not I want it to be... I do know that these awarenesses are not to be taken for granted.  They are sacred in a way I cannot begin to articulate.  It is vital that I extend myself that same grace I so freely give others... I need to remember that the same facets that draw me to the souls of others- those cracks and imperfections, those little intricacies that can only be truly appreciated close up, those elements of a person's composition that speak to us on an inarticulate and intangible level- are precisely what make up the authentic self, and therefore, authenticity is no more complicated than breathing-and it is the very ACT of covering all that up that robs the world of the sublime and exquisite beauty that is this human experience.

Bats in the Belfry

I read this bit of prose a few weeks back that beautifully articulates what consciousness looks like, it made such an impression I searched it again today and found another version with a response. If you've not yet read this-it's quite lovely- Date an Illiterate Girl .  How fantastical it is to stumble across things that remind me that there are other people experiencing similar ripples in their consciousness... and further, that there are others besides myself who not only appreciate that but pine for it as well...

Consciousness is tough.  It's puzzling and elusive, it's slippery and subtle and transient...And it is something our culture conditions us to avoid... whereas I may experience a concious person  as if they are illuminated, others view them as crazy; depending upon which end of the consciousness spectrum one may fall...  I spent a majority of my early 20's struggling on the other end of that spectrum, trying desperately to swallow that subordination elixir.  The more I attempted to ingest it the more noxious it became to me. At some point  I  finally gave up my daily dosage, but let me tell ya, the half life on that shit is fucking fierce! The point is, I get that those who spend a majority of their time stuck in the sticky web of cultural indoctrination have been trained to see anything outside their own periphery as crazy... think about it. Our society has made a billion dollar industry out of treating and 'fixing' those 'poor souls' that feel too deeply.  There is a pill for being too anything... too sad, too happy, too anxious... Our culture is one that demands uniformity... uniformity of thought, uniformity of action...and if we step out of line, event slightly, there are cultural norms in place to shame us back into obedience. This too I've experienced first hand... it's partially what I was attempting to communicate in Axiom... although I've yet to have the vocabulary to articulate it- it is becoming clearer to me everyday...

So as I am grappling for the language to get all these 'nonsensical' thoughts and concepts out of my head or at least strung together in some way my own mind can make sense of it, this morning I stumble across this post- YOU NEED TO GO AFTER THE THINGS YOU WANT, and I gotta say...after reading that, what I am experiencing is so profoundly visceral- my heart is racing, my hands are shaking, my thoughts are going a million miles a minute... For a moment I thought to myself- 'fuck, I really ought to trade my tin foil hat in for one made of Kevlar!'  I swear, reading that was as if someone plucked thoughts from my brain... as coincidental as it may seem, I don't believe in coincidences...

For weeks I have been trying to muster the courage to talk to him... some days it seems as though the universe has dropped every single solitary hint to me...I've struggled to excuse it away... because of fear... fear of looking silly...fear of being vulnerable... there is a part of me that wants to walk right into his shop and tell him that not only do I read, but I write, and I do them both, often.  And then that little voice shouts from the back of my head- Absolutely not, no sane person walks up to a dude whose practically a stranger and says 'hey, you don't know me, but your facebook posts make me want to know you...'  And so I go on, trying to ignore this weird connection that spurred from something so benign...and just as it seems I have sufficiently stifled it, something else pops up... I mean who strikes up a conversation with  'I like the way you think'?  How does that go exactly?  Do I walk into his shop? Do I take Harvey Milk's advice?  I mean, that IS what I want, but what scares me is not knowing what the reaction will be...I believe the shift I have been feeling for a while is close, really close, or maybe already happening, and that is why the vocabulary is starting to come to me.  And maybe that's why he's entered my consciousness?  Or maybe I have become conscious enough to see it more than stifle it.  

I read something the other day about how when you feel lost it is time to step out of your comfort zone and find new meaning... what is our existence except for a long string of attempts to make meaning? Over the weekend.... I had a rather eye opening conversation about meaning making and consciousness with a friend  She happens to be in a different stage than I... she is trying to make meaning out of the whole of her life, while I am still attempting to make meaning out of the this moment... but the principal is the same, we talked about what is to experience meaning making with a conscious lens, and what that does to one's thought process.  These are the conversations I savor... they are the tough ones, the ones where I am forced to take it a step or two further than I thought possible... the ones that stretch the complexities that I thought myself capable of... the ones that challenge me to dig a little deeper, that edge me closer to the next ledge I will have to leap from in order to grow.

It helps immensely to talk about consciousness with people...I find myself craving more interactions like this. I am drawn to those people who want to unpack their shit, who aren't afraid to attempt the daunting task of approaching that ledge... I fear the ledge, but more, I fear not taking the leap at all.  Perhaps that's how my interest peaked... I gotta say, it's been an awfully long time since a person has intrigued enough to inch up to the ledge, peer over, and close my eyes for the leap....

Axiom

So last week, I am sitting at my desk at work, quietly pounding away at whatever mundane task was in front of me at the moment, and I hear the ping that says I have a new email. I click from one monitor to the other and open it, it's from my HS best friend, well... I should say we have been best friends since high school, because we are still best friends today. Anyway, I open the email and all it say is :

Your mom just told me that I needed to find you a boyfriend

I am instantly pissed. I am mad because I have been consistently hearing from friends and friends of friends that my mother is talking about my life to them.  I'm mad because it seems like everyone wants to put everyone else in a fucking box...  I get defensive when people, (mainly my mother, but really anyone) try to shove me in some aphoristic box I do not fit it.  You know, like the kind where you're supposed to be partnered up, married off and be at least half way through producing heirs by the time you're 25 or some shit. I missed that deadline years ago, in fact, it's still hanging in my mother's closet in the form of a super expensive, super fucking beautiful, never been worn, Italian wedding dress. And most days, not only am I good with that, but I am pretty happy with where I am and the experiences I have had.  But some days, those societal boxes get to be a little crushing, ya know?

So while I sit at my desk with all the fuck yous and how dare yous swirling around in my head, this pops up in my bookface feed:

 Don't you hate when someone asks if you have a boyfriend, and you say "no," and they get all googly-eyed and say, "WHATT?? WHY NOT?!???" like it was the the most absurd thing they've ever heard. What is that even supposed to mean? Is this a compliment, or are they judging me for being single and stoked? I'm so confused by people sometimes. No, strike that. I'm so confused by people ALL the time. 

And my anger instantly melts into ferocious laughter.  After some banter back and forth on that thread, she responds with this:

I also wonder if they think good guys grow on trees or something, as if I've chosen not to find the perfect male specimen who apparently is available immediately. Or like I'm too lazy to drive down to the boyfriend store and pick up the latest and greatest. And the only way to be happy is to have a boyfriend, so obviously I'm psycho. 


At this point I am laughing at the humor in her posts, but also having a good laugh at myself.  Why do I let people get to me? I know that I am right where I need to be, and I know how important it is to stay true to myself, even if that means other people are uncomfortable. So I poke fun at the entire situation on my own bookface and shrug it off.  In the meantime, I am in the middle of composing Amalgamation which was proving harder and harder to write by the minute, it started out super free flowing, but as is the case with most of my posts, they generally take a few days to write, edit, and finally post, and those final edits were tough. Like that was the hardest post I have had to edit in a long, long, time.  It probably went through three different rewrites and in the end it seemed more discombobulated and dis-jointed then ever.  I finally just gave up and posted it, figuring the reasons would become clear to me at some point. 

And so, last night I read this article: Top 5 deathbed regrets  and low and behold, what's number one on the list?

I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

Truer words have never been spoken, me thinks.  Ya see, I try very hard to live my life with some amount of personal integrity (I am in no way saying that I am a saint, or that I never make bad decisions, for fucks sakes, people, I am human), really what this means to me is that I do not compromise on certain things- in my life that has meant a lot of different things.  It meant that even though I could have chosen the cheaper faster route out of college, I opted for way more time and effort (and debt) to study what I was truly passionate about (even though I have never and may never work in that 'field') It has meant that even though I could make more $ working for some corporation, with higher pay, perks, insurance, paid time off... all the 'luxuries' other people snap jobs up for, I have chosen to work multiple jobs for smaller, independent and or non-prof outfits doing things I truly believe in.  It has meant that I stopped the wedding train. After the engagement party. After the expensive Italian dress was purchased. After the reception hall was booked.

It means that yes, indeed I am sometimes lonely because I won't wrap myself up in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship.  It means that I frequently take the scenic route, the road less traveled, the one that is NEVER on GPS.  And yes, some days, even I question the validity of my path.  But then I read an article like the one above, and my self assured-ness is restored.  What am I getting at? Well, I guess the point is (more for me than anyone else), that I think we can all occasionally use a reminder that despite the boxes and categories that society seems relentless in presenting, and even though it's tough sometimes, even though it can be lonely, confusing, and tiring; it can also be challenging, rewarding, refreshing, eye opening, and BRILLIANT! In the end, I KNOW that I am living a life that is truest to me, which, in my mind, is the ultimate pay off.

"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment."
Ralph Waldo Emerson

I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me. - See more at: http://www.karenstan.net/2013/11/11/nurse-reveals-top-5-regrets-people-make-deathbed/#sthash.LF9AyCTS.dpuf

I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me. - See more at: http://www.karenstan.net/2013/11/11/nurse-reveals-top-5-regrets-people-make-deathbed/#sthash.LF9AyCTS.dpuf

                                                                           

Amalgamation

Surely, I cannot be the only one who reflects upon past experiences from time to time.  Like looking back and taking stalk in who I was as compared to who I am now... the things I have experienced, the ways in which I have handled myself, that kind of thing.  Of course, I have the benefit (or maybe detriment) of having logged my experiences on this blog, and in many, many, journals before this blog, I also have other odd methods of remembering... Like, I have every single text message I have received for something like the last 5 years.  I know, I am a weirdo, it's OK, I'll own it... So I have a written record of things, which is helpful since I may have the world's WORST detail oriented memory.  While it is sometimes uncomfortable, I have found that embracing the pieces of me from which the present amalgamation of myself is comprised, far outweighs that momentary discomfort . 

Anyway, this time every year seems to be evocative of that contemplative thing inside of me... maybe it has something to do with the weather change, the colder and darker it gets outside, the more I seem to go inside myself.  I often think, what was I doing this time last year? Two years ago? Three? Well, you get the point.  I have never been good with dates, but I can start with last year and go backward. Right, so- I have been nostalgic about the past recently... not necessarily like I am yearning for what might have been, more like... umm... like evaluating my part in things and wondering how I can do things differently going forward.

So, I open one of the local free weekly's today and flip to the horoscopes-

You've got too many keys on your ring. You've locked and unlocked so many hearts that at this point you're practically a janitor of the soul.  Although it fills you with a certain satisfaction to walk around jangling that giant loop of glittering keys, fondly recalling all the times you've used them and what you've used them for, please notice that your behavior is preventing any new keys from from being added to the collection.  It's time to throw a few away, that you no longer need or no longer dare use, to make room for a tantalizing handful more. If I haven't been obvious enough: stop clinging to the past so you can finally unlock the future.

Wowser.  I would love to laugh all of that off and say that has NOTHING to do with me, but really, it's pretty much spot on...  I read a book some years back that explained the Law of Attraction- the idea that everything is made up of energy, and that like energy attracts like energy.  I believe in the power of energy, I have seen it at work in my life... in the sense that what I ping out is what will come back to me... if I am in a positive place, things will flow in a positive direction, and if I am in a broody and negative space, negative energy will flow back to me. I am beginning to see where 'taking stalk in the past' is really just a way to muddy my own energy...because when it comes down to it, when I look at everything with a holistic mindset, it's ALL good. What I am realizing is that all of us are amalgamations of our former selves. It's time to step away from the mental microscope.

Like I said in last week's  Guerilla Warfare post, this  is all coming to light for me recently.  I suppose it's not surprising then, that  I have been waking up a little lighter each morning.  There are a lot of super-fucking-awesome-sauce lines in the water... projects I am excited about, ideas I am stoked to flesh out... It's an illuminated place to be amidst the autumn chill.  As such, it is high time I toss some of those old keys.  So many of them look alike and I am spending far too much time bumbling in the dark, attempting to fit old keys into new doors. Who knows... maybe I will even clean out my text messages...hahaha.

Guerilla Warfare

It's been quite a long stretch since I have committed a blog to type.  There has been A LOT of action in the battlefield that is my mind's eye, but I haven't taken the time to write any of it down or really even to talk about it in general. Up until this week, time seemed like a commodity I'd sell my soul for, which is pretty much what I have been doing.  For the last month or two I have run from one place to the next, sleeping little, eating shit, and freaking the fuck out about shit that doesn't matter at all in the scheme of things. And recently, it all came crashing to a crystal clear fucking halt. 

I know just enough about myself to be dangerous if I were to apply it with any sort of consistency. I hate that initial free fall back down to earth.  Fuck, it stings. Coming to rest in a scratched and bruised up heap, goddamn I am fucking tough on myself.  The thud is always louder than I anticipate and it generally serves the purpose of startling me back into consciousness where I am left to sort through the rubble that is my mind and body after a stint of the fuck-its.  And I always spend far more time beating myself up for the fuck-its then I do on basking in personal revelation or taking notice of a job well done.  And I have been wondering for a while... why is that? Why can I not take as much credit for progress as I do for failure? What the fuck is up with that? 

I spend so much time trying like hell to propel myself forward, that I frequently miss my own fucking milestones.  And then, at the first sign of a detour I rail on myself about everything I have yet to accomplish. And that is where I have been for the past few weeks. Actually, I started writing this blog entry a few weeks ago so- fuck, the past month or so. I've ridden the train of self destructive behavior, I've taken up residence in my head, I've run the gamut of anger, self pity, fear, and teetered on the edge of depressed, in short, I have spent FAR TOO MUCH fucking time in the dark corners of my introversion.

And then, this morning, I read this post by one of my favorite bloggers - The Bullshit of Being a Work in Progress.  Go ahead, read it, I'll wait...

The title doesn't lie, huh?!

"When life doesn’t go the way we envision or we find ourselves having screwed up (yet again), we ladle the I’m-a-work-in-progress bullshit on anyone who will listen.
And the sad thing is (well, for me at least) that we’ve convinced ourselves that there’s a goal. That there’s some elusive day akin to a good parking space at Whole Foods where we’ll wake up and realize that we’ve made it.  We’ve convinced ourselves that we’re perpetual works in progress and we forget...
Well, we forget that today’s the fucking day. Today’s the day we wake up surrounded by hedgehogs and hot girls on Harleys. It’s the day where we’ve done it — we’ve gotten there."

Goddamn, that chick has some fucking eloquence, eh?  Well, what a fan-fucking-tastical reminder! I am right fucking here, right fucking now, and I am good with it.  Instead of taking time and energy to beat myself up as a means to forward progression, or whatever other dumbass, newagey, oxymornical phrase my brain decides to attach to it, I'm gunna take a deep breath in and take credit for where I am RIGHT FUCKING now.  I'll just be over here, filing work in progress right alongside the Mr. Rogers terminal uniqueness rhetoric... it's a dumb fucking story I tell myself, it's self deprecation thinly veiled as motivation, it's the Guerrilla Warfare I wage on my own consciousness.  It's high time I recognize that this shift in consciousness I go on about- from guerrilla warrior to gorilla power, is happening NOW- it is what it is all in this moment.  And ya know what, I WILL celebrate that, abso-fucking-ultely!

Pro-paelo-lific: Day 1

So, a few years ago I developed these weird, chronic stomach issues.  Every time I ate, my stomach hurt, and just after I ate I would be overcome by lethargy.  It went on for a couple months, I tried taking things out of my diet, I tried avoiding food in general, I lived off antacids for a while... it seemed as though the problem was gluten, and man was I pissed. Who doesn't love bread, and pasta, and really everything carb?! And, in case you don't know...gluten is in PRACTICALLY EVERY FUCKING THING!!!! Desperate for an alternative solution, I went to a homeopathic doctor, who, after a 3 hour consult, gave me what is referred to as a constitutional in the homeopathic world.  And, much to my surprise, it worked!!! I got to go back to eating all the things I loved and felt better.  Shockingly, whatever that little remedy was, it worked for well over two years.  Then, last year, I started having issues again.  At the same time I started reading things about our food (mainly wheat)...and how it has been SO severely crossbred and modified over the last 30 years that it doesn't even resemble it's original molecular structure...

Ok, I am rambling a bit. While I could go on for DAYS about the fucked-up-ness of what is happening to us through our food sources, I will save that part for another day.  There is a connection here to other things I have been rambling about as of late...I think I have always been aware of the connection between mind and body in some form... but in the last couple of days it has become so apparent. I have been struggling through this transition period (for the last couple months, but even more so in the last week or so), I have also been dealing with the resurgence in my stomach issues, and the cherry on top has been this incredibly HELLISH heartburn that arrived a couple of days ago.  The heartburn thing was what really got me thinking...

A friend shared with me that the throat correlates to the throat chakra (which is associated with communication), and that in turn, the physical manifestation of heartburn could be connected to a need to communicate... I know, I know, it is almost too woo woo for me as well.  But then I started doing a teensy bit of research, and it sort of started making sense...Oddly, when I began this blog I wanted to use this as a platform to communicate all the  crazy (seemingly non-connected) crap that swirls around in my dome, but as of late, I have scarcely had the energy or brain power to organize any of it into cohesive thought.  So yeah, I guess I do feel a bit communicatively stifled right now. Huh... they couldn't possible be related... or could they?

In addition to the chakra stuff, I started reading a book on eating Paleo yesterday.  Another thing I have been thinking about for a while... it seems to have helped a lot of people with similar health shit, and I know I respond well to a diet that is higher in protein and lower in carbs.  And, what do ya know, as I am reading the book I start seeing the correlation between grain/gluten intake and the mental confusion I have been experiencing lately too! WEIRDNESS.  Weird, but in a good way.  It gives me hope that there are solutions other than just feeling completely and totally overwhelmed... because that is what happens when I get to thinking about all this shit... Like well, the only solution is to change every motherfucking thing and start over from scratch and be completely perfect at it. NO WONDER I have been so apprehensive to make ANY changes! Talk about setting ones self up for failure!  Well, the book addressed all of that as well, and gave me a sliver of confidence that I can do this and be easy on myself.

Isn't it funny what the human mind can do to self sabotage?? I need to make changes, but I tell myself I will just fail anyway, so why bother? Fuck it.  And I KNOW I am not the only one who does this.  I talk myself out of positive change all the time...I hide behind the fear of failure and then a month goes by.  And then some other thing comes up and three months slip away.  And before I know it, I have spent a year making excuses for not doing something that could potentially help me.  WHAT THE FUCK???!!!!

So, today is the day... I start making some tangible changes- like cutting out grain, legumes and (the scariest one for me) dairy, and going back to being more aware of what I put in my body.  I am not going to be a zealot about it... so as NOT to set myself up for failure from jump. I am just going to make this simple shift for 30 days and see what happens.  I really don't have a whole lot to lose at this point, and if I get more energy and start to feel better, I will totally keep going.  My hope is that if the physical parts of me stop feeling so crappy, the mental shit will surely follow suit, even if it is only in small ways.  And, as part of the connection between mind and body, I am going to keep writing. Even if it's garbled and confusing, I can't just keep it all in my head because it seems too hard to relate cohesively... patience grasshopper, all things will shift in good time, it all starts with willingness and an open mind, right?

Words of Wisdom

Hello universe, it's me. I am performing my cranial rectal extraction right now. Thanks for the friendly reminder :)

Capricorn horoscope for Jul, 05, 2013
You have been using your experience and your intellect to try and solve a problem. So far, though, no satisfactory solution has come to you. But what you are trying to approach in a very logical and practical way may require creativity and innovation instead. The tried and true may not apply to a current challenge, Capricorn. But you are someone who is very analytical, and it's often hard for you to veer from the well-traveled course that has always worked for you in the past. It's time to blaze a trail. Have faith in your intuition.

Well, then. I guess it really is time to say goodbye to Plato, so as to make room for Aristotle.  In an effort to blaze that trail, I think this song is appropriate. Not closing a chapter, I am beginning an entirely new book.
And-I love you, Ani. Thanks for reading my mind all the time <3


"Untouchable Face"

think i'm going for a walk now
i feel a little unsteady
i don't want nobody to follow me
'cept maybe you
i could make you happy you know
if you weren't already
i could do a lot of things
and i do

tell you the truth i prefer
the worst of you
too bad you had to have a better half
she's not really my type
but i think you two are forever
and i hate to say it but
you're perfect together

so fuck you
and your untouchable face
and fuck you
for existing in the first place
and who am i
that i should be vying for your touch
and who am i
i bet you can't even tell me that much

two-thirty in the morning
and my gas tank will be empty soon
neon sign on the horizon
rubbing elbows with the moon
a safe haven of sleepless
where the deep fryer's always on
radio is counting down
the top 20 country songs
and out on the porch the fly strip is
waving like a flag in the wind
y'know, i don't look forward
to seeing you again soon
you'll look like a photograph of yourself
taken from far far away
and i won't know what to do
and i won't know what to say

except fuck you...

i see you and i'm so perplexed
what was i thinking
what will i think of next
where can i hide
in the back room there's a lamp
that hangs over the pool table
and when the fan is on it swings
gently side to side
there's a changing constellation
of balls as we are playing
i see orion and say nothing
the only thing i can think of saying

is fuck you...

A Priori

I find it difficult some days to show up and be myself, it's like whatever this internal conflict is going on inside me takes over....I am not necessarily sad, but I definitely feel as though I am in some sort of extended transition period.  It's not the most exciting or comfortable space to be in, but it isn't terrible either... just letting it all flow, and trusting that this too, won't last forever.  All I can do at the moment is stay open, and more importantly, aware of all that is going on in my head and my heart.  Even when I feel as though it's a chore, I am still eternally grateful for my own consciousness. I read a bit on the Evolution of the Imagination in the Western World this morning and it brought to light many of the concepts I have been struggling with  internally... things for which I had no prior means to articulate.  In essence, I believe my 'inner Plato' has been doing battle with my 'inner Aristotle'.  The inner Plato wants me to reason everything to death, attempting (and failing) to make all of my experiences neat and grounded, while the inner Aristotle is trying to prove that reason cannot always work in every situation.  I like Aristotle, I agree with his concept of the imagination, it makes more sense to run things through the imaginative filter first, as opposed to Plato's concept of skipping straight to reason.  But I grew up with a Christian filter... my default is to lean on Plato, even if my intuition tries to tell me to lean on Aristotle, that Christian filter tells me not to trust my intuition in the first place.  So I end up chasing my proverbial tale, quite a lot... I find it fascinating that concepts I unconsciously absorbed growing up still effect my thinking today, even when I attempt to consciously push them out of my psyche. There is a lot more to this inner Plato vs. Aristotle battle, of that I am sure... but at least for now I think I have the beginnings of my finger on the concept...I can see Plato at work in my life right now-

Plato-Here lately, I've scarcely had time to breathe... in an effort to keep myself out of trouble and keep myself from repeating the same silly mistakes over and over, I took on a third job.  On a slow week I am averaging about 60 hours between the three jobs.  The third one occupies most of my nights and weekends, and for the most part, that is exactly what I wanted.  It has helped me stay out of my head and has kept me generally focused (grounded) on forward motion (in reason).  I feel challenged...something that I seem to only be able to obtain through a packed schedule and multitasking (because the alternative challenge in my imagination appears to be too scary??).  It has left me little personal time, and for now, I am good with that.  (strangely [or not] I seem to be dreaming A LOT more than usual...hmmm...) 

Aristotle-There seems to be a great deal of shifting going on internally right now, so my plan is to stick with this crazy schedule and let the shifting happen internally as long as possible, at a certain point I know I will need to consciously deal with all the internal stuff, but I am also aware that I am not ready for that quite yet.(And, there's Plato, sneaking up on me.)

The third job has provided me with the opportunity to meet new people, experience new things, and to rediscover the joy in hard work (well, there's that puritan, Christian informed ethic). It has also tested the limits of my introversion, which I believe is necessary for this next stage in growth.  Being the silent observer has it's benefits, but I cannot spend all my time around other people in my head.... people start to wonder and look at you funny! Plus, everyone around me seems to do a great job of reminding me to 'loosen up'.  In fact, it has been said to me so often in the last couple weeks, even I am annoyed by my quiet brooding, (and right about now I want to say fuck you, Plato!).  In the middle of a loud and very crowded club this weekend, an older gentleman tapped me on the shoulder and flashed a gigantic smile, I then realized I was concentrating so intently on maneuvering through the crowd that I was frowning.  I smiled back at him and mouthed the words 'thank you', sometimes I just need a reminder- I wear everything that is in my head on my face...  I still feel awkwardly alone in rooms full of people, but I am trying to be ok with it... This past weekend was full of new and crazy experiences, and this up coming weekend promises to be more of the same...

It seems as though what is happening is that I have to make a conscious and consistent effort to bring reason (or Plato) back into the helm of my thoughts, because as Jean so beautifully stated-

     Transcendental or productive imagination is an active,
     spontaneous power, a process that begins of itself and by itself.
     It's not primed through any external agency.

Where as it seems that reason takes a considerable amount of effort... it's almost the opposite of the spontaneity of the imagination.  So I am going to keep soaking it all in, and maybe STOP trying to unpack every single fucking thing...because I believe this to be the meat of where the two concepts are fighting it out in my head...jesus, sometimes I wish I could just get out of my own goddamned way!!!!

Beginning

i think I am beginning to understand what really comes from lying in pieces on the bedroom floor. And I am at peace with that. 

Tread Lightly

There is a lot of stuff rattling around in my brain, I am having a hard time putting it to words, but as each day passes, it gets more crowded up there, so I guess I better try to let some of it out...

I refuse to falsify resolutions and/or conclusions in the interest of 'being done with it'. While it is 1,000,000 times more uncomfortable to do so, I will sit with a resolution until I've ratified it in my head. There is definitely gratitude in that.  Although, this process does tend to lead to making simple things complicated...and fuck, am I am all too familiar with that.  I am also familiar with taking on other people's shit...when I do that, I cover up my own, and hence provide myself with the necessary veil to ignore my own lessons.  I know that the awareness of all this comes as an aside to being conscious, which on most days I am grateful for, but I do sometimes wish I could just go back to compartmentalizing things...

Swimming through the dark and murky waters of my brain...  Thankfully, I know how to swim, but the water is cold and my muscles are getting fatigued...I have begun taking the necessary precautions to conserve energy, but nothing really cures that lactic acid burn except time at rest.  That's a tall order, how to rest while treading water...hmm, perhaps I should just put my feet down and see if I can touch the bottom. Focus. Remember, this all boils down to self. Self acceptance, self assuredness, self awareness. 

Loneliness is a construct of my own mind, instead of spending time and energy constructing feelings around that, use that space to recognize all it not lost.  Change is inevitable, challenge can be rewarding, and life does continue, even if it's on a completely foreign path...all I can do is turn my focus inward... damn it, sometimes I really wish I was an extrovert.  I wish I could process things externally, with people, as opposed to needing to be by myself, in my head...but only I can make myself a victim of my own mind, and so too, only I can make my mind work to my advantage. I know that I can at once be my own worst enemy and my own best cheerleader, and right now, I am really working on improving the way I do the latter for myself.

Broken hearts mend, and this experience will lend itself to clarity, conclusion, and resolution, eventually; but without that mental focus I could allow it to consume me, or to derail me, or to let it all to go whizzing right past me... The only thing I can guarantee myself at this moment, is that this, like so many other experiences I have written about before, will pass...and I am confidant that I will emerge having become a better person for it, even if I have no idea at this moment what that will look like.

Shattered

I'm not one to post quick and dirties, normally I will think a post out, write it, read it, and edit it... But tonight I'm too tired and frustrated, so here it is. Tonight I relearned, for the millionth time, that no matter how genuine, how loving, or how pure an intention- it matters not. Reality is, that everyone else has their own best interest at heart first and foremost. This is apparently quite normal. So, what I need to learn, as fast as fucking possible, is how to quit giving a fuck about other people before me. That sentiment will NEVER be returned. It doesn't mean I shouldn't care about others, I get that, it just means that I will never be #1 in anyone else's book, so I better fucking figure out how to be #1 in my own. I understand this is probably elementary to most, but godfuckingdamnit how many times do I need to be soul raped before I get that?!! Ughhhh. I am so fucking hurt, angry and frustrated, and I have no one but myself to blame. I will learn this, if I have to spend the rest of my days alone to get it. Fucking eh.

***Next morning addendum
Going to sleep hurt and angry will really effect a person's dreams.  After posting this, I fell into a fitful sleep that brought on dreams of clarity.  While I love and respect people in my life, I have not been doing the same for myself, this is why I often feel frustrated with the way that people treat me.  The saying shouldn't be treat others as you want to be treated, but rather, treat YOURSELF as you want to be treated.  I am conscious of this now and will be working towards developing higher standards for how I treat myself.  In essence, I need to learn to honor myself, and in theory, people will do the same.  I have taught every person in my life how to treat me, including those who continually hurt me, I allow this to happen by not honoring myself...hence having no one but myself to blame.  I believe in the power of connection and unconditional love, but because I have thus far failed at providing that for myself, I have yet to experience it outside of myself.  What a ridiculous circle.

Last night in my dreams, I was able to stand outside of myself and watch both how I allow things to unfold for myself as well as experience, almost in a third person sort of way, what that does to my psyche, my heart, and my thought process.  It felt realllllllllly icky in dreamland, and feels even more gross now that I consciously recall it.  I want it to go away.  But, like everything else in this life, it ain't just gunna happen.  Forging new connections in my brain takes both footwork and time...if only it were as simple as flipping a switch.  Sometime I just really wish someone would hold MY hand.

Peachy

As I put a crazy busy week to rest yesterday, I sat down on my couch in the silence that was my first hours of alone time in probably ten days.  I have been over scheduled every day, and...if I am honest, it was mostly purposeful.  I was afraid of what might come from the solace... emotion...sadness...feeling like a failure...just fear in general.  And, I was pretty much on point with that.  The quiet was heavy, almost crushing.  All the anxiety I felt all week bubbled up inside me.  I let my mind wonder, noticing where it went as I let it roam off the leash.  I questioned what I have felt in the last 6 months, I wondered if I had just told myself some fairy tale and if any of it were at all real in the first place.  I wondered... if it was real, and I really did feel the things I felt, would I ever get to experience any of that again? I scolded myself for being such a fool.  I told myself it was never as earth shaking an experience for her, and that like all of my other failed attempts at relationships, I was never going to be what she wanted or needed.  Which made me wonder...am I what I want or need for ME? I wondered if I am destined to be by myself, will I never figure this thing out?  I questioned the validity of the statement 'meant to be'.

The self judgement that goes hand in hand with living in the same body as my brain is really tough to deal with at times.  I realize part of the reason I had never really fallen in love before was because I had never really let myself truly fall, never really let myself completely experience the range of emotion that is the unconscious act of falling in love.  The reason for that is simple- because I had always been scared of feeling the way that I do now.  That lost, lonely, loser feeling that comes when a part of ones life suddenly changes.  I have no anger about the situation, and there is a tiny sliver of my soul that believes this is not the end, but the beginning of something greater than my wounded tunnel vision can see right now.  There is much more to experience, to feel, to take in...and as much as I am judging myself for feeling the way I feel right now, for having to commit any of this shit to type, in the interest of transparency for this blog and myself I will do it.  I realize I am only scratching the surface at the moment, but at least something is coming out...

I just wish the icky, shitty, self esteem stuff would take a hike. I know that this is all part of the process, it will get better, those feelings of failure will fade over time, BLAH BLAH FUCKING BLAH.  I want to just cry it out...have one good heaving, snotty, blurry eyed cry about it all, but right now, that all seems blocked. It seems like it's all frozen in one big lump in my chest.  It's uncomfortable, and annoying.  And then there's that whole lesson part...mother fucker. I need to figure that out. I do not want to continue repeating this lesson, I suppose if there is any anger, it is surrounding my apparent inability to figure out what the fuck I am supposed to be learning...it is so incredibly fucking frustrating, because I know the answer lies within me...it's kind of like holding two puzzle pieces that fit together if only I could line up the correct edges so they snap together. 

Not everything can be peachy all the time, as much as I sometimes wish that were the case. 
We all have our moments of feeling less than stellar about ourselves...it just so happens that I promised myself to keep record of the peachy times and the ones that aren't so awesome.  I read somewhere this morning that sometimes tiny pieces of ourselves have to die in order to make room for rebirth, renewal and reinvention.  So, I guess I should just sit with this sad, lonely, empty feeling for a bit and see where it leads.  My eyes are open, even if my heart is slammed shut...

Ebony and Irony

If you missed yesterday's Heavy post, pop back and peruse, it's short, and this one will be to...I am breaking toes left and right lately, tripping over life's irony and I thought I would share this latest bit, because it's so uncanny it is funny!

CAPRICORN Apr, 05, 2013
There is an ongoing problem you've been dealing with that has been on your mind a lot lately. It seems like you can't escape this problem. Even when you find a way to forget about it, it creeps back into your mind. And even when it seems to be solved, it recurs again. This is happening for a reason, Capricorn. Until you can figure out what you are supposed to learn from this experience, you can expect it to happen over and over. Pay closer attention to the lessons in your life, and you'll move beyond this issue.

Well, that pretty much blows my post from yesterday to bits, eh?!  I put in for a brain vacation and boom, I get my answer in black and white in less than 12 hours. Duly noted. Well played universe, well played. Sometimes, all I can do is sit back and have a great, big, belly laugh at myself...I recommend it, completely!  Even though my heart hurts and my brain feels scrambled, I guess it's time I get down and dirty to the nittiest of gritty.  If anyone needs me I will be over here in the corner, reminding myself that doing the work is hard, but the pay offs can be immense, if only I keep my eye on the intangible prize. Happy fuck yeah Friday, indeed!

Heavy

Ahh, that old, familiar, sinking feeling of change. After the last couple of weeks, I should be used to it...funny how the key to happiness is recognizing impermanence and thus letting go of the artificial feeling of attachment, but human nature is to avoid change and seek attachment.

I am at peace with the way things are, because it is what it is, but at the same time, I am sad, and judging myself for that sadness.  Although it is just change, it feels like loss. I have grieved the loss of relationships before, but each one is different, and two at once is infinitely more difficult.  All I can do is hold on and keep my eyes peeled for still more lessons on my journey.  There are days I envy those who seem to have completed their 'hard lessons' and are enjoying that blissful coasting period...I really, really want that...although with each lesson I learn I feel further away from it and wonder if that peace will ever be mine.  I also wonder what in me seems to continually catapult me in this cycle. 

I do know I have made every effort this past year or so to be true to myself, even if I have stumbled along the way, and still yet, I find myself right back at the starting point again.  As fucking impossibly hard as it has been, I have actually done me these past few weeks... and it was (and is) fucking painful, but I am proud to actually be doing it... no matter how tough.  I intend to stick with that, but at this moment...

I am tired. And weary. And scared.  I do not think I am tired enough nor scared enough to give up on myself, but I may take a little break from all this consciousness stuff, if only for a few days.  I want to disappear, and while I am away I would like my conscious self to work out all the heavy shit that is brewing inside of me.  Then, I can come back in a few days, refreshed and ready to start anew.

Of course, I know that won't happen, but...a girl can dream right?

Transparency

So, I grew up in what many would call a middle class, conservative family.  I went to Catholic schools, although I would not say I was the poster child Catholic school girl.  In fact, I would venture to say that from an early age, I was the antithesis of Catholic school girl... not on purpose, I just never quite fit the mold of quiet, demur, well mannered or soft spoken.  I have always been a bit brash, I have never been that great at recognizing social ques, and I have, for most of my life, had a hard time accepting things without question.  This never boded well in my tiny Catholic grade school of 300 kids...My earliest memories of knowing I was adopted come into focus around preschool or kindergarten.  I remember being proud of it, and talking about it, and I remember being hushed... like that was something 'we don't talk about' outside the home...and there were many more 'social fails' over the years, asking questions to the wrong people, talking about things that apparently were deemed inappropriate to talk about, either at school or amongst my extended family. In grade 7 or 8, I was 1 of 2 dissenters when it came time to 'confirm our faith in the Catholic church'.  I could not understand why we were given a choice that was not really a choice... like, of course you can question the faith, just be sure to ask the 'polite questions' (and, by the way, arguing whether or not the bread and wine actually transform into the body and blood of Christ, not on the list of polite questions to ask the priest), and you can absolutely choose whether or not you want to be confirmed, so long as your choice is to be confirmed...head spinning yet?! Mine was then, and it still is now.

This is not a post about my adoption. Or my experiences growing up in the Catholic Church.  Really, what I am getting at is that feeling I have always had about being in the wrong.  Sure, my parents loved me (and still do), and yes, I absolutely have support, now more so than as a kid.  And despite getting this nagging feeling (kind of often) that I am doing something wrong, I have, for the most part, followed my heart, as opposed to blindly doing what others tell me I 'should do'.  And I gotta tell ya, it is SUPER fucking hard to do at times.Especially when following my heart means going directly against those who matter most to me. 

I truly believe that in life, we should be afforded every opportunity to pursue our own happiness, to make our own mistakes, to fall on our faces, and to pick ourselves up and start again.  I also believe that while none of us are special or unique, we do all have our own process, and our own way of going about things.  We have the right to our own opinions, although that right, in my humble opinion, does NOT include spewing those opinions on the unwilling or degrading those who do not share opinions similar to our own.  I guess that all sounds kind of wishy washy, but all I can say is that I do endeavor to understand where other people are coming from, even if I may not agree with what they think. Occasionally, this is another one of those SUPER fucking hard tasks.  I sometimes find it tough to honor my own beliefs (and opinions) whilst attempting to do no harm to others, especially when others differing opinions are in direct opposition...

In the last couple of months I have run up against this difficulty... and no matter how hard I try to get around it, no matter which bend or fork or turn I have tried taking, it seems to always be RIGHT THERE.  5 or six months ago, I fell in love with a beautiful person, our personalities mesh, we enjoy many of the same things, we have great conversation, we have fun doing the smallest things, we enjoy each others company, we support one another, we are learning what it is to be in a real and true partnership, and I could NOT be more ecstatic about it...

I have hesitated to write a 'coming out' post on here, because it seems so cliche, and I don't feel like I was ever 'in' anywhere.  Nor did most of my friends... while she is the first girl I have exclusively dated, I have never really viewed sexuality (or anything in life, for that matter) as something that is that black and white.  So, for the most part, no one was caught off guard or shocked, they saw how happy I was and were happy for me, end of story... well, not exactly.  Everyone was happy for me, for us, but nearly all of my friends had the same concern. After the initial congratulatory salutations 'what is your mom going to say' or some such mantra would eventually come from the mouths of most of my close friends.  And it saddens me deeply to say, that my mother, out of everyone in my life has been the only dissenter.  So I suppose one could say I am 'coming out' of a fog that was blissful ignorance.  I would have never imagined the most homophobic person in my life would be my mother.

Her initial reaction and words stung. A lot.  They shook me to my core.  I was prepared for her to take a little time to come around, but to say I underestimated her reaction would be an understatement.  So, I stepped back, tried to regain my footing, and resolved to give her some time.  She's old school, I told myself... and everyone rallied around me, assuring me that it would only take time for her to see how happy I was and that she would eventually come around.  So, I gave her time.  And so here I stand, nearly six months later... living two separate lives... the life that my partner and I and my friends and loved ones experience together. And the life that is my mom and I on an island of make believe with no sign of Mr. Rogers.  This is definitely an example of how separate but equal is indeed NEVER equal.

I go back and forth on how I feel about this.  On the one hand, I am saddened, disheartened, in disbelief.  I am confused as to why the gender of the person I am happy with matters at all.  Because I hadn't really ever thought about it in terms of gender.  Or in terms of a gay or lesbian label. What I am experiencing is love, on a very deep and real level.  What I am experiencing is what my mother has professed to want for me my entire adult life.  On the other hand, I see my mom, and her Catholic belief system.  I see that she has had this belief system her entire life, and I see that there have been times it's worked for her, and times she has struggled because of it.   I see an increased distance between the two of us, over something I perceive to be pretty fucking trivial, but she perceives to be incredibly important.  I see both of us struggling on opposite sides of a fence.  And, no matter from which angle I view this, I do not see a happy medium.  I cannot for the life of me figure out a grey shade to put this in to make this situation make sense.

I know I cannot change her mind, I also know that she has the right to her own opinion.  What I am desperately trying to figure out is how my happiness and her opinions can find some sibilance of  coexistence.  For now, I have decided to disengage for a while... because while I am frustrated and angry, I still love her, I just don't trust that I will be able to honor her view point without spewing my own on her in my current state of frustration. I am sure there are many parts of her view point I have not yet been able to take into account because of my own feelings in this situation.  So maybe space will help...and maybe it won't, I don't know, all I can do is continue putting one foot in front of the other.

As long winded and whiny as this post may seem, I have got to say I am truly lucky to have the people I do in my life... I have a really amazing and supportive girlfriend who has been completely awesome with this entire thing, she has definitely offered strength and perspective and had the patience of a saint- all reasons that I love her completely.  My dad, as usual, is my rock.  I totally admire how level headed he can be, even when two of the most important women in his life are at odds, I have NO IDEA where I would be without him.  And, I can't forget that I have the most fucking amazing friends on the planet. Hands down.  All of whom have been so fucking sweet and understanding. I love all of you, it's because of you all that I know all is not lost, this is just another bump in the road, from which I will carry on. <3

Golden

I have admittedly had trouble finding words to match my thoughts lately... actually, I think I have had a little trouble finding my voice. At some point I think I may have subconsciously silenced it, and that silence has been affecting me a lot lately.  I have a ton of posts working in draft mode right now, but I have been unable to string any of them together in cohesive form, which to me is usually a sign that I am not through muddling in the substance contained in them.  I have had an odd sort of writers block, like I get the idea or thought down and then lose the words to articulate my point... but this past week I have become aware of the need to just get SOMETHING out, even if it isn't cohesive, even if it doesn't make sense; just to forge through and let the process of purging take hold of me.  My hope is that some clarity will come out it... maybe it will, maybe it won't either way, I doubt it could hurt....

So, as I have written before... I am an emotional creature... I bumble about life 'feeling' my way through, and sometimes this is an illuminating process and sometimes it is a dark and scary backwoods path, both of which I believe to be beautiful and necessary. What's come to my attention recently is that while I feel a lot of stuff very deeply...exhaustively so at times, I am not always good at the outward part of that feeling, again- it's no secret I tend to brood and get stuck in my own mental process.  Unfortunately for those close to me, this can at times result in my outside not matching my inside, which is confusing for me, I cannot imagine how confusing it is for those close to me.  And trust, it is seriously frustrating to me.  Because at some point, that inner shit bubbles outward, and usually takes the form of anger, sadness or fear...

When I do not honor whatever it is that is going on inside of me, it effects EVERYTHING else in my life.  Things that I should be able to take in stride anger or irritate me to no end.  My feelings get hurt easily, I take dumb shit personally, I mope, I brood... ok, you get the picture.  So... after a particularly tough week of taking a lot of shit personally, shit coming from COMPLETE STRANGERS, I was pretty fucking down yesterday... and that sadness turned into anger.  Like, how dare people be so ignorantly fucking judgmental and rude, and I ran with that, but, in my anger I start to realize that I have no right to be angry.  What other people think of me (ESPECIALLY people who do not know me) is really none of my business and a complete waste of my time and an enormous drain on my energy.  I was physically and mentally exhausted last night.  And so, after a good night's sleep I arose today, resolved to let the dumb shit go for what it is and get on with things. 

So, I get to work, and as I walk in the lobby I see that it is trashed.  Fliers are strewn everywhere, crumpled, torn, the entire lobby is in a state of general discombobulation.  And I can feel my blood pressure rising...my inner dialogue starts ranting 'WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE??? Why do people feel the need to just destroy shit, to have no regard for things that are not theirs??'  And so it went, as I cleaned up the mess all the while, resenting the anonymous asshats that created it. 

So, I am left to wonder... what is it about these situations that REALLY bothers me? Why do they evoke such a reaction in me?  How is it that I can give my power to complete fucking strangers...and WHY do I do that?  I think the answer lies in the fact that there are other things in my life I choose not to react to, as if I stuff my shit in other circumstances.  So when something less personal comes up, I allow my emotions and reactions derived from the ignored circumstances to come out in the assumed safety of the anonymity of the other party.  Huh.  I am fairly certain I am on to something there, I just need to figure out why I block things to begin with.  For the most part, I am starting to become aware of when I do it, it's the why that stumps me.

I know it has something to do with not wanting others to have to 'deal with' my shit, which is in fact a cop out...it is probably more true that this is a defense mechanism I developed a long time ago, and at the time, I am sure it was necessary, but at some point it became my pattern for dealing (or rather, not dealing).  I know it isn't needed or working for me now. I have no reason NOT to be authentic with the people in my life, that is why I so vigilant about who I am and am not close to.  I have to find a way to re-frame the way that I think about my stuff... instead of thinking everyone's stuff is more important, or judging whatever I am feeling to be trivial or unimportant, I think it is important to just honor that shit in the moment, but goddamn! That is hard.  Just writing this makes me feel all victim-y and weird, which is also probably worth a moment of reflection. All of this is certainly part of a loop track I have yet to be able to cease or at the least vary a bit, but my determination to do so has definitely been renewed. Oh, the things that make me go hmmm....

I AM

Sometimes, it seems as though I am plugged in, like I am on top of my game, and everything seems real, and tangible and doable.  As is the case with life, the peak gives way to the valley and then contemplation sets in. In the interest of reminding myself that lessons will reappear in different forms at different times until I get it, I have written about my peaks and valleys before. All of these ups and downs, all the experiences, they are worthwhile to me, but no matter how many trips to the valley I make...no matter how much time is spent on the peak in between... the two experiences always seem so grossly oppositional. Sure, with each trip out of the valley, the peak seems more intense and beautiful, but correspondingly, the valley that follows seems so intensely dark and deep.  But, as best as I can tell... this is all part of the process of coming to the I AM...

I fooled myself at this last peak...I thought I would get to stay a bit longer, okay, A LOT longer... so I was in no way prepared for the decent.  At least I get that it is quality over quantity...This last peak was the most amazing and brilliant I have experienced to date. My monkey mind wants me to spin around in this valley and believe that nothing could be more beautiful, that it is all valley from here on out, because after this last peak NOTHING could EVER come close to comparing, let alone surpassing.  But, if I am to apply what I have been learning in this self imposed education on consciousness, I have to acknowledge that what came from the peak was the awareness that both the peaks and the valleys are evolving with me... and that these are necessary pieces to the I AM.

I think it is worth jotting down the intense amount of self judgement I am experiencing...All I can think about is- I am a gigantic fucking fool, I am stupid, naive, and angry.  I keep thinking, well, I got what I deserved... and I could go on, trust me.  What I know to be true in my head is that all of these thoughts are distractions from what I need to take away from this experience- I learned that I am actually capable of feeling an intense, deep, emotional connection with another human being, AND that the fear that held me back from experiencing this before is completely unfounded...sure, I am struggling right now, yes, this is hard. It fucking hurts, and no, nothing will ever be the same again, which seems so impossible to deal with because I want to focus on her. No one will ever be her, no one could possibly compare to her.  To think that I could find another connection to remotely rival this one is completely unfathomable to me. I am entangled in the attachment to her.  Fuck, will I ever learn this concept of impermanence?! I mean, it seems like it is at the root of ever fucking lesson! 

The reality is that I need to focus on what have I gained, what have I learned...I am not totally there yet, although I will get there, eventually.  I must stay aware that each valley is loaded with a million land mines of distraction, I can sit and spin in any number of them... why has it taken me so long in my life to experience such a blissful and beautiful connection?  And why the fuck did it have to disappear so fucking fast?  Why is this so god-damned hard for me to get? Why can't I just be fucking happy like so many other people I know? Why do I have to struggle every fucking step along the way? Why does it seem like I choose the most insanely difficult route at every single fucking fork in my life's road?

Well, the whys of any situation are completely subjective... I could ask any number of my friends to answer those questions for me, answer them for myself, and we would all have completely different answers depending upon the day and each of our mindsets.  All I can do to stop the spinning in my head is to acknowledge the beauty in the experience, and let that be the catalyst to lead me to the next one.  It's my attachment to this particular experience that keeps me spinning... and it's the spin that keeps me from being open to whatever is in front of me, because I get so distracted trying to look back.  It's hard to grasp that experiences are intangible, therefore they are never actually wholly ours to begin with and we cannot cling to them like some security blanket... because technically, there was/is nothing tangible to hold.  This process of coming to the I AM is so much more intense than I could have imagined...

Fatal Flaw

I am mentally and physically exhausted. This business of consciousness is no joke.  Staying aware of oneself requires so much focus and energy, I am to the point of aching. That being said, I am alright. I am good with being the pile on my bedroom floor in this moment.  I am mustering the energy to lift my head and survey the pieces.  They seem to all still be here, in fact... there may be a few extra I had not been in possession of before this last shattering.  This is good.  This means that at some point I will be able to re-assemble them into a new and more beautiful form of myself.  Well, that is a relief.  My ears are still ringing from the crash and my head is still foggy.  It does always seem to come from nowhere, taking me by complete surprise.  It isn't until after the fracture that I begin to see there were in fact warnings... missed signals and clues.  I sometimes wonder if I subconsciously ignore them...maybe somewhere in the depths of my mind I know it is coming, and allow it because I know that beyond those shattered shards lies another awakening...

It's a surreal feeling to be sitting amongst the splinters and slivers, cold and alone and scared, but aware at once that this process is necessary to continue on a path of transcendence. There is a great deal of mental chatter clamoring about in my mind. It is a chaotic cacophony of which I can make little sense, I am guessing this is where the exhaustion originates. But even amongst the chaos, even amongst the anxiety, through the exhaustion and fog, I am still somehow aware that I am okay.  There is a sense of calm that leaks in when I remember that I cannot know everything at once.  That what I am experiencing is pretty much nothing more than a MONUMENTAL learning curve with regards to life.  And there is opulence in knowing I am the only one I have to explain this to.  I do not need to go into great detail as to what I am experiencing.  This moment, like all others before and after it, is impermanent... EVERYTHING is ALWAYS subject to change.  The sooner I am able to grasp this, the sooner I am able to apply this to all things in my life, including attachment, the better.

I have been learning of late about my fatal flaw... and as those things go, I guess it isn't a horrible one to have... but it is a real bitch to see it staring me in the face.  Knowing what it is and knowing how to deal with it are two totally separate things... the latter is certainly the harder piece of the equation... I am confident that the having the awareness of it will help me to eventually function with it in some sort of healthy manor as opposed to the self destruction that was born out of my prior ignorance on the matter.  So, while I am confident that progress can be made, I am presently stuck in that frustrating, uncomfortable space... you know, the one I can imagine a young Luke Skywalker to have experienced when beginning his Jedi training.  I feel like that a lot these days.  Not gunna lie, it is pretty damned humbling to once again arrive at the conclusion that I don't know shit!  And, while I have arrived at that conclusion before, I think it will keep coming up for me until I can somehow grasp it deep down in the depths of me.  How exactly that happens, I do not know.  Until then, I will keep my eyes peeled for Obi and Yoda, and hang out here, shattered, but grateful on the bedroom floor.

Goodbye, Hello

Note- I actually began this post on New Years Eve, but hadn't finished until today.


Well, as it seems, the end of 2012 is post unapocalyptically upon us.  I awoke this morning in a retrospective sort of mood... stepping in the shower I began reviewing New Year's Eves past-what was I doing this time last year? Oh. Yeah.  What about the year before that? Oh. Yep.  As I got in my car to drive to work I started thinking about this past year in particular, where I have been, what I have experienced- mentally and physically.  I get to work, check my email, and then the ever-evil, time sucking book-face. And just as I log on, there's a link in my news feed-the title intrigues me, so I click the link.....Why Lying Broken in a Pile on Your Bedroom Floor is a Good Idea...

As I am reading the post I become more interested, the ideas in here REALLY ping with me.  I posted a while back about each of us having our own beautiful disasters- and this is what I meant. So, I finish reading and hop over here to compose a post about what all that means to me, and what it made me think and what it made me feel. And then I thought, hey, maybe before I write out this year in review post I should look back through my posts from this year.  So I did...

A lot happened in 2012...I experienced many firsts...there were, as in any span of time, many ups and many downs.  But if I were to pick a resounding theme it was that I continually felt as though I were on the verge of some lesson or break through.  Toward the end of the year the lessons became clear.  I figured out that the key to any lesson lies within myself.  There are always other ways to look at any given situation... and that in and of it's self is, in my humble opinion, the single greatest beauty in life.  That is what carries me through the dark points into whatever light is waiting for me on the other side.  I am so grateful for those brief moments of clarity... those moments of consciousness... the moments when I can exhale the breath I have been holding in and take in new perspective, energy, and light.

Yes, I spent a decent amount of time lying broken in a pile on my bedroom floor in 2012.  I am not ashamed, because even in those moments, or days, or months as it were, I was slowly piecing myself back together.  I was (and, still am, obviously) learning about who I am.  And, at least this time, as opposed to broken pile moments in the past, I was aware of what was happening... Sure, I was in pain, but somehow I was conscious of the fact that the pain would pass.  And it was that consciousness that allowed me to obtain peace with being in pieces.  We are all, whether we choose to admit it or not, in pieces at some point or another.  We are all fractured in some way, and society would have us believe that those things are 'bad'.  We need to be whole and pristine, is what society would have us believe, there is no room in this world for imperfection or flaw.  Well, I beg to differ.  I truly believe those fractures are what make us beautiful, those pieces are what allow us to see different sides of ourselves.  They help us gain perspective in so many ways.

So 2012, overall, was another truly fantastic year in my life...people and experiences came and went. I learned much about myself and human nature. I was able to reaffirm that I am indeed NOT in control (as much as I sometimes wish I were).  I shared some simply fantastic moments with people I love in my life, I witnessed growth and abundance in both my life and the lives of those around me.  I made mistakes, for which I am so grateful, and I learned that sometimes, letting go and giving in are not terrible things, in fact those actions can actually open the door to some REAL fucking beauty.

I will remember 2012 as the year that I fell in love.  I will remember the magic that enveloped me in that process.  The year that I finally cleared enough mental clutter to open my energy for amazing things to unfold.  I will remember 2012 for becoming truly authentic in parts of my life.  Something major shifted in me, and I am now reaping the benefits of that shift. I will remember 2012 as the year I finally threw in the towel and said, ya know what? I don't know shit, and I am TOTALLY good with that!  I will remember 2012 as the year that I finally figured out that we are ALL fucking neurotic in our own ways, and that I am only responsible for my own neurosis, as I am only responsible for what I know and who I am. 

2013 is already shaping up to be something stellar.  I couldn't possibly name or futurecast all of the abundance that will unfold this year, but I can say I look forward to the birth of my nephew, the marriage of friends, and nurturing the bond I have found with the woman I love.  In 2013, I am tasking myself with carrying this level of consciousness forward.  I am no dumby, it is going to take a lot of work, and there will certainly be difficulties, but I am excited for all of the opportunities and challenges that the new year brings...