Golden

I have admittedly had trouble finding words to match my thoughts lately... actually, I think I have had a little trouble finding my voice. At some point I think I may have subconsciously silenced it, and that silence has been affecting me a lot lately.  I have a ton of posts working in draft mode right now, but I have been unable to string any of them together in cohesive form, which to me is usually a sign that I am not through muddling in the substance contained in them.  I have had an odd sort of writers block, like I get the idea or thought down and then lose the words to articulate my point... but this past week I have become aware of the need to just get SOMETHING out, even if it isn't cohesive, even if it doesn't make sense; just to forge through and let the process of purging take hold of me.  My hope is that some clarity will come out it... maybe it will, maybe it won't either way, I doubt it could hurt....

So, as I have written before... I am an emotional creature... I bumble about life 'feeling' my way through, and sometimes this is an illuminating process and sometimes it is a dark and scary backwoods path, both of which I believe to be beautiful and necessary. What's come to my attention recently is that while I feel a lot of stuff very deeply...exhaustively so at times, I am not always good at the outward part of that feeling, again- it's no secret I tend to brood and get stuck in my own mental process.  Unfortunately for those close to me, this can at times result in my outside not matching my inside, which is confusing for me, I cannot imagine how confusing it is for those close to me.  And trust, it is seriously frustrating to me.  Because at some point, that inner shit bubbles outward, and usually takes the form of anger, sadness or fear...

When I do not honor whatever it is that is going on inside of me, it effects EVERYTHING else in my life.  Things that I should be able to take in stride anger or irritate me to no end.  My feelings get hurt easily, I take dumb shit personally, I mope, I brood... ok, you get the picture.  So... after a particularly tough week of taking a lot of shit personally, shit coming from COMPLETE STRANGERS, I was pretty fucking down yesterday... and that sadness turned into anger.  Like, how dare people be so ignorantly fucking judgmental and rude, and I ran with that, but, in my anger I start to realize that I have no right to be angry.  What other people think of me (ESPECIALLY people who do not know me) is really none of my business and a complete waste of my time and an enormous drain on my energy.  I was physically and mentally exhausted last night.  And so, after a good night's sleep I arose today, resolved to let the dumb shit go for what it is and get on with things. 

So, I get to work, and as I walk in the lobby I see that it is trashed.  Fliers are strewn everywhere, crumpled, torn, the entire lobby is in a state of general discombobulation.  And I can feel my blood pressure rising...my inner dialogue starts ranting 'WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE??? Why do people feel the need to just destroy shit, to have no regard for things that are not theirs??'  And so it went, as I cleaned up the mess all the while, resenting the anonymous asshats that created it. 

So, I am left to wonder... what is it about these situations that REALLY bothers me? Why do they evoke such a reaction in me?  How is it that I can give my power to complete fucking strangers...and WHY do I do that?  I think the answer lies in the fact that there are other things in my life I choose not to react to, as if I stuff my shit in other circumstances.  So when something less personal comes up, I allow my emotions and reactions derived from the ignored circumstances to come out in the assumed safety of the anonymity of the other party.  Huh.  I am fairly certain I am on to something there, I just need to figure out why I block things to begin with.  For the most part, I am starting to become aware of when I do it, it's the why that stumps me.

I know it has something to do with not wanting others to have to 'deal with' my shit, which is in fact a cop out...it is probably more true that this is a defense mechanism I developed a long time ago, and at the time, I am sure it was necessary, but at some point it became my pattern for dealing (or rather, not dealing).  I know it isn't needed or working for me now. I have no reason NOT to be authentic with the people in my life, that is why I so vigilant about who I am and am not close to.  I have to find a way to re-frame the way that I think about my stuff... instead of thinking everyone's stuff is more important, or judging whatever I am feeling to be trivial or unimportant, I think it is important to just honor that shit in the moment, but goddamn! That is hard.  Just writing this makes me feel all victim-y and weird, which is also probably worth a moment of reflection. All of this is certainly part of a loop track I have yet to be able to cease or at the least vary a bit, but my determination to do so has definitely been renewed. Oh, the things that make me go hmmm....