Transparency

So, I grew up in what many would call a middle class, conservative family.  I went to Catholic schools, although I would not say I was the poster child Catholic school girl.  In fact, I would venture to say that from an early age, I was the antithesis of Catholic school girl... not on purpose, I just never quite fit the mold of quiet, demur, well mannered or soft spoken.  I have always been a bit brash, I have never been that great at recognizing social ques, and I have, for most of my life, had a hard time accepting things without question.  This never boded well in my tiny Catholic grade school of 300 kids...My earliest memories of knowing I was adopted come into focus around preschool or kindergarten.  I remember being proud of it, and talking about it, and I remember being hushed... like that was something 'we don't talk about' outside the home...and there were many more 'social fails' over the years, asking questions to the wrong people, talking about things that apparently were deemed inappropriate to talk about, either at school or amongst my extended family. In grade 7 or 8, I was 1 of 2 dissenters when it came time to 'confirm our faith in the Catholic church'.  I could not understand why we were given a choice that was not really a choice... like, of course you can question the faith, just be sure to ask the 'polite questions' (and, by the way, arguing whether or not the bread and wine actually transform into the body and blood of Christ, not on the list of polite questions to ask the priest), and you can absolutely choose whether or not you want to be confirmed, so long as your choice is to be confirmed...head spinning yet?! Mine was then, and it still is now.

This is not a post about my adoption. Or my experiences growing up in the Catholic Church.  Really, what I am getting at is that feeling I have always had about being in the wrong.  Sure, my parents loved me (and still do), and yes, I absolutely have support, now more so than as a kid.  And despite getting this nagging feeling (kind of often) that I am doing something wrong, I have, for the most part, followed my heart, as opposed to blindly doing what others tell me I 'should do'.  And I gotta tell ya, it is SUPER fucking hard to do at times.Especially when following my heart means going directly against those who matter most to me. 

I truly believe that in life, we should be afforded every opportunity to pursue our own happiness, to make our own mistakes, to fall on our faces, and to pick ourselves up and start again.  I also believe that while none of us are special or unique, we do all have our own process, and our own way of going about things.  We have the right to our own opinions, although that right, in my humble opinion, does NOT include spewing those opinions on the unwilling or degrading those who do not share opinions similar to our own.  I guess that all sounds kind of wishy washy, but all I can say is that I do endeavor to understand where other people are coming from, even if I may not agree with what they think. Occasionally, this is another one of those SUPER fucking hard tasks.  I sometimes find it tough to honor my own beliefs (and opinions) whilst attempting to do no harm to others, especially when others differing opinions are in direct opposition...

In the last couple of months I have run up against this difficulty... and no matter how hard I try to get around it, no matter which bend or fork or turn I have tried taking, it seems to always be RIGHT THERE.  5 or six months ago, I fell in love with a beautiful person, our personalities mesh, we enjoy many of the same things, we have great conversation, we have fun doing the smallest things, we enjoy each others company, we support one another, we are learning what it is to be in a real and true partnership, and I could NOT be more ecstatic about it...

I have hesitated to write a 'coming out' post on here, because it seems so cliche, and I don't feel like I was ever 'in' anywhere.  Nor did most of my friends... while she is the first girl I have exclusively dated, I have never really viewed sexuality (or anything in life, for that matter) as something that is that black and white.  So, for the most part, no one was caught off guard or shocked, they saw how happy I was and were happy for me, end of story... well, not exactly.  Everyone was happy for me, for us, but nearly all of my friends had the same concern. After the initial congratulatory salutations 'what is your mom going to say' or some such mantra would eventually come from the mouths of most of my close friends.  And it saddens me deeply to say, that my mother, out of everyone in my life has been the only dissenter.  So I suppose one could say I am 'coming out' of a fog that was blissful ignorance.  I would have never imagined the most homophobic person in my life would be my mother.

Her initial reaction and words stung. A lot.  They shook me to my core.  I was prepared for her to take a little time to come around, but to say I underestimated her reaction would be an understatement.  So, I stepped back, tried to regain my footing, and resolved to give her some time.  She's old school, I told myself... and everyone rallied around me, assuring me that it would only take time for her to see how happy I was and that she would eventually come around.  So, I gave her time.  And so here I stand, nearly six months later... living two separate lives... the life that my partner and I and my friends and loved ones experience together. And the life that is my mom and I on an island of make believe with no sign of Mr. Rogers.  This is definitely an example of how separate but equal is indeed NEVER equal.

I go back and forth on how I feel about this.  On the one hand, I am saddened, disheartened, in disbelief.  I am confused as to why the gender of the person I am happy with matters at all.  Because I hadn't really ever thought about it in terms of gender.  Or in terms of a gay or lesbian label. What I am experiencing is love, on a very deep and real level.  What I am experiencing is what my mother has professed to want for me my entire adult life.  On the other hand, I see my mom, and her Catholic belief system.  I see that she has had this belief system her entire life, and I see that there have been times it's worked for her, and times she has struggled because of it.   I see an increased distance between the two of us, over something I perceive to be pretty fucking trivial, but she perceives to be incredibly important.  I see both of us struggling on opposite sides of a fence.  And, no matter from which angle I view this, I do not see a happy medium.  I cannot for the life of me figure out a grey shade to put this in to make this situation make sense.

I know I cannot change her mind, I also know that she has the right to her own opinion.  What I am desperately trying to figure out is how my happiness and her opinions can find some sibilance of  coexistence.  For now, I have decided to disengage for a while... because while I am frustrated and angry, I still love her, I just don't trust that I will be able to honor her view point without spewing my own on her in my current state of frustration. I am sure there are many parts of her view point I have not yet been able to take into account because of my own feelings in this situation.  So maybe space will help...and maybe it won't, I don't know, all I can do is continue putting one foot in front of the other.

As long winded and whiny as this post may seem, I have got to say I am truly lucky to have the people I do in my life... I have a really amazing and supportive girlfriend who has been completely awesome with this entire thing, she has definitely offered strength and perspective and had the patience of a saint- all reasons that I love her completely.  My dad, as usual, is my rock.  I totally admire how level headed he can be, even when two of the most important women in his life are at odds, I have NO IDEA where I would be without him.  And, I can't forget that I have the most fucking amazing friends on the planet. Hands down.  All of whom have been so fucking sweet and understanding. I love all of you, it's because of you all that I know all is not lost, this is just another bump in the road, from which I will carry on. <3