Put a fucking bow on it.

Well, like it or not, it's here.  That time of year when many of the world's citizens rush around in a frantic frenzy, spending money and time they do not have, to buy shit for people that really don't need it- then we bring it home, wrap it in ridiculous paper, put a fucking bow on it and proudly present it as some misguided token of love and affection.  And the older I get, the more I CANNOT STAND IT.  That's right kids, I hate the fucking holidays.  Last night I talked to a friend of mine who was frustrated about her bank account being in the negative because she 'had to' buy Christmas presents.  And sadly, I get it.  So many people perpetuate the propaganda of Christmas consumerism- so and so bought for me, so I in turn have to buy for them, and so on and so on.

This has long been a point of contention for me- I do not want to buy people shit because some unwritten social nicety dictates it... don't get me wrong, I LOVE giving gifts when the feeling strikes- like when I see something that just reminds me of someone, or it makes me think 'so and so would LOVE that'.  What I am talking about is rushing around and stressing over giving a gift for the sake of giving a fucking gift.  We all have those people in our lives, the ones that have every mother fucking thing on the planet, need nothing, have no discernible interests or hobbies, and yet, we are supposed to magically pull some fantastical gift giving miracle out of our asses for fear of being judged if we don't.  And, I end up caving, EVERY FUCKING YEAR, as I have done this year. 

When I was a child, I loved Christmas.  Not because of the presents, but because of the people.  I remember the traditions, getting to see my family that I rarely got to see. Being together.  Enjoying each other's company.  Visiting nursing homes, adopting families through my girl scout troop.  Volunteering at the food pantry or soup kitchen.  That is the kind of holiday spirit I can get into. But somewhere along the lines of 'adulthood' all of that spirit got watered down and scheduled out.  Last night I felt so overwhelmed by the frantic holiday pace and schedule that I was actually too worked up to wrap the few gifts I did get for people.  I will finish what I have already begun, but I think this year for Christmas, I will  make a resolution.  In the coming year, I am going to try to celebrate the 'Christmas Spirit' in this way, all year long...I want to appreciate my life everyday... and I feel as though the best way to do that is through giving of self, NOT giving of stuff.  I am not angry, I just think we have REALLY strayed from what this season used to be about... and maybe all I can own is the I.  I have strayed from what this season means to me.  So, in an effort to come back down to earth, I need to remember that I am grateful for all of the experiences and people this past year has graced me with.  And I hope to continue on in my quest for light and consciousness.

P.S.
I realize there are some of you out there who LOVE this time of year.  And I don't hold it against you.  You are more than welcome to revel in whatever magic the holiday season brings you- enjoy it!

Quixotic Connections

It has always been my belief that we as humans crave connection.  The connection between a parent and a child. The connection between friends. The connection between lovers, coworkers, siblings, even strangers.  The dynamic of each of these connections has always been fascinating to me...I really enjoy both participating and witnessing the human experience... what is further fascinating to me are the connections that sometimes pop up between connections, and sometimes, the disconnect that can come into focus when other connections come into play.

As I related in my last post, I have recently been experiencing a new connection... one that I had not yet experienced in my life, and it has been truly awesome to connect on so many different levels... mentally, spiritually, metaphysically, at times, it seems almost quixotic.  Curiously, this connection has brought to the forefront many of my other connections... friends have come out of the woodwork to tell me how happy I seem, to relate on whatever level to the abundance I have been sharing about...it's been pretty cool to see the reciprocity of positive energy, which in turn multiplies the abundance and so on.  I definitely believe that the energy one puts out, attracts like energy, so if I am pinging on a positive vibe, inherently positivity seems to flow my way.

My natural inclination, when experiencing such joy and connection, is to want to share it with those closest to me...Not in a  'hey I am fucking happy nah nah nah nah nah' way, more in an exchange of energy way.  Especially because I have had so many people cheer leading me through this last growth spurt, which was particularly arduous.  I am truly lucky to have the kind of supportive, inspiring, kind people in my life who love me no matter what I am experiencing.  When I was in those dark spots, just before the tunnel opened back up, many of them reminded me that this moment, like all others, shall pass.

There are so many amazing things about the mind space I am in right now, it is synergistic and inspiring and, for the most part, that is what I am focused on.  But within this new and chimerical experience, I cannot help but stumble over that disconnect piece I mentioned earlier.  This particular disconnection is not new.  It has been happening with this particular person my entire life.  Some moments are easier to gloss over and pretend like it is not there, others it is glaringly obvious and painful.  Society would have me believe that this particular connection should be one of the strongest in my life...and for most of my life, I have tried desperately to strengthen that connection... with little success.  And it is SO perplexing to me.  If there is a desire to strengthen the connection (presumably, on both sides) why then is it so difficult to make that happen?

Let's get this straight, I love this person with my whole heart, and with that love comes an understanding that I will love them no matter what, right where they are... we have been through our fair share of ups and downs... we seldom vibrate on the same frequency, which is ok, but it does make things tough sometimes, and that makes me wonder... why is what I think to be one of my most primal connections such a struggle?  Why would one of my few inherent connections be so painful at times?  I don't have the answer to that, although I have been searching for it since this thought has come into my consciousness.

I want to understand this. I want to find a way to meet this particular person somewhere in the middle. Unfortunately, I am unsure this other person wants to meet in the middle.  And, I have a little bit of guilt and anger about this disconnect... it has been going on for so long and now it has become tiresome.  I am often guilty of envying people who are unconscious... like, man that seems so easy! But then, one of those unconscious people tramples on my consciousness and I am no longer envious. I am sad for them, and sometimes angry at them, and grateful for my own consciousness all at once.  The optimist in me says that I need to try my best to meet these people wherever they are at, and support their process in whatever way I can.  But then, I find myself in the path of their own self destruction and the realist in me wonders if it is possible to support someone who isn't aware of 'the process' to begin with...

How does one lead another to consciousness?  Or, is that my ego talking? Far be it for me to propose everyone follow the path that I am on... that would be boring (and, maybe a little scary!) I just want to find a way to coexist with this particular person (and others like them).  I want to love and support this person where they are at, but not at the expense of my own autonomy.  I know that there are two people in this situation, and I can only own what it mine, the trouble I am having at the moment, is discerning what exactly is mine to own in this situation... So for now, I suppose the only thing I can do is to continue to be aware and to be true to myself.  I am happy in my own right, and no connection or disconnection can waiver that unless I allow it.

I am grateful to all of you who share in my journey, those of you who express your love, support, empathy...Those who share your nuggets of wisdom, whispers of truth, and snippets of strength, those who challenge me to strive to the next level. I am also grateful for those moments of disconnect, so that I may truly appreciate the connections I do have, and I know that transcendence does not come from homogenization. I am a better person everyday because I am surrounded by such a vast array of illuminated souls.  Thanks for encouraging me everyday in so many ways.  Not all moments are filled with rainbows and unicorns, I know it is necessary to take in each one- I used to think that happiness meant complacency, now I know that growth can happen in any environment, so long as we are surrounded by the proper support to meet the challenge. <3

Smitten

After last week's quick and discombobulated post, I am starting to grasp a little clarity.  Reviewing my posts from the last couple of months, I think I am finally able to crystallize some of the work that I have been doing within myself.  In the last few months I have written about anger, fear, awkwardness, confusion, and hurt.  I have mentioned consciousness, the struggle to transcend to the next level, and the awareness-es I have been making along the way.  I have recorded when I thought I had it all figured out, as well as when I have been knocked off my block... and in the last few weeks all of that work seems to have come together into some cohesion.

Before all of this work, I would have attributed the way I feel and the way I am thinking to some person or people in my life.  This person makes me feel like shit, or that person makes me happy... people would often ask why I would stay in a particular situation that seemed so toxic for me.  I had wanted every one of life's lessons to be neatly wrapped up in a box, complete with a fancy bow. I wanted everything to have some tangible explanation.  Over thinking everything has always been my way of perpetuating my own illusion of control.  What I have come to realize is that no one has the power to affect my thoughts and feelings unless I give it to them, and further, that I had been doing so as a sort of last line of defense, so as not to have to take responsibility for my own thoughts, feelings, and resulting actions.

This is beginning to sound like a 'that was then, this is now' kind of post... and I suppose, in a way, it is, but only as a means to record my the process... because it is not over, and as long as I am breathing, it hopefully never will be.  So anyway... In the last couple of weeks I have noticed a complete 180 in myself.  How I think, how I act, etc.  Where there used to be heaviness and confusion, there is now a feeling of exhilaration and light.  Where I was feeling tired and cumbersome, I am now feeling recharged and agile- in body and mind.  And, apparently it is noticeable in real life as well...where I was beginning to tire of people telling me to smile, I find I cannot wipe the shit eating grin off my face. Several people have asked me if I am 'high', and all I can do is giggle and say yes... but this rush was not obtained through ingesting any outside chemical.

Trudgiung through the last few months I was tired and weary... I wrote about the pain and difficulty that come from gearing up for the next mental leap in consciousness, and while I lose touch with that occasionally (because, let's face it, that is easy to do) I always seem to re-engage enough to rally through whatever mental hurdle presents itself.  And it's a weird thing, this process of staying conscious while the tough mental work is being done.  While it is solitary in nature- meaning no one could do it for or with me, there were a few people who stayed at my periphery, reminding me at times that there was something coming on the other end of my dark and cobwebby mental tunnel- and I am so super fucking grateful for that.

So here I am, FINALLY standing at the end of that particular mental tunnel... and it is blindingly bright.  The air is refreshingly crisp, everything is engaging and appealing to my senses.  I imagine this to be the same sort of high that runners talk about after completing a particularly grueling race.  And, without knowing it, I have emerged from the tunnel, lighter, more open and with A LOT less baggage.  True to form, amazing things were waiting for me, just beyond the tunnel's opening.  Acutely aware of just how wide open my heart seems to be beating, I am able to finally catch my breath and realize that the grueling regiment of introspection that has been my mental routine most of my life seems to finally be paying off (haha, of course, it has been 'paying off' all along, I just happen to be aware of the benefits in this particular moment). 

As a result of all of this, I seem to have opened myself up for amazing opportunities to present themselves... (yes, those amazing opportunities have also been there all along, but I am now in a space where I can embrace those opportunities as opposed to running from them out of fear).  That trite old saying about when you least expect it? Could not be more true than it is for me in this moment.  Just as I neared the point of mental exhaustion, something in me rallied to get through that last leg of the mental marathon, and good fucking (insert deity of choice) has it paid off.

Most of my adult life has been spent (consciously or subconsciously) searching for a 'partner'.  I have written about the hopeless romantic in me, and through all the detours, hang ups and bang ups in my life, I have somehow managed to hold on to that last little iota of idealism.  Don't get me wrong, I have been through my fair share of confusion and questioning as far as all of this is concerned... I honestly did not think that the connection I craved...the partnership idea that I had in my head, the one where there were two people with different strengths, beating on similar levels at the same time in the same place, the one where communication is free flowing, where one person respects the other, the one where it is NOT about completing one another, because they are two WHOLE people sharing in each other's journey...the one where one doesn't MAKE the other happy or sad, but instead there is an exchange of support and understanding through empathy... the one that I had no vocabulary for because that exchange is inexplicable... I honestly thought that kind of connection was about as statistically probable as hitting an antelope while being struck by lightning on a snowy day in Tahiti.

Yeah, I had let go of that idea on sooooooo many levels.  I had resolved to just focus on myself and forget about that idealism.  And just like they say 'when you stop looking, you will find it'.  It has caught me so entirely off guard, in the most blissful and beautiful way.  A wiser woman than me would assess my situation as infatuation, and ya know what? I am completely okay with that... THIS. This is amazing.  All I can say is that I am experiencing each moment in ways I didn't even know were possible.  Each and every day my mind is blown in a fantastically beautiful way... And while I am aware that every single moment cannot be magnificent, I find myself captivated, I want to experience all the moments with her... the good ones, the tough ones, the blissful ones, growing pains, transcendence.... all of it.  I want to drink it every last drop.  I want to revel in the beauty of this...And while she is not the cause, she certainly has had an effect!

Last week, when I threw together the Dopamine Fiend post I mentioned that I was struggling for the words to describe how I am feeling, because this experience is so new on so many levels... nothing seemed to accurately describe what I am experiencing.  One of my friends said "the word- is smitten" and you know what, she's right. I am smitten and could not be happier about it :)

Dopamine Fiend

Normally, when composing a post, I am thinking about what I want to write as a way to remember some piece of some lesson... So, most of my posts are less about feeling and more about thinking.  In this moment, I have very few thoughts, in fact trying to put to words the way I am feeling right now seems almost impossible... And, I like it. 

Recently, it feels as though a lot of my bullshit has melted away... I have no idea where my defenses suddenly retreated to, but they have. My thinking has slowed, and my heartbeat has quickened.  I don't really even have words to describe what I am thinking or feeling aside from happy, which does the situation no justice. And it has been a 180 degree shift, that seems to have happened in 3 seconds flat. Like getting broadsided, but in a really fucking beautiful way...Each and every moment seems singular and defined, lasting for for a millisecond and eternity at once. I feel like a walking cliché, like anything I could possible say about where I am is old news to anyone with a heartbeat on the planet. I feel like a giggly, giddy, smiling, blushing 12 year old girl. And I like it.

This is not like me...in fact, I am normally the girl who makes fun of people for acting the way I am right now. Mainly because I never understood it. Because there are no words to describe this space. I have been walking around with a gigantic, dopey grin on my face for days. And I like it.

Yeah, this is uncharted territory. It's an inexplicable connection from the most unlikely direction. It's bliss. And contentment. It's that warm feeling. It's butterflies. It's excitement and newness, without fear or worry. It's my heart beating at the speed of sound. It's holding hands. It's talking and listening and experiencing. It's soft kisses and long hugs. It's being. How have I gone 30 years and NEVER experienced something like this?! Perhaps the right opportunity hadn't presented itself until now. Maybe it's just the right time. OR maybe it just IS. And I like it:)

FORWARD

I know a lot of people who do not give weight to astrology, passing it off as a gimmick, but... in all actuality, it is one of THE oldest forms of science coming going all the way back to Babylon... I have been interested in this stuff for years... if you are interested in a deeper look, I recommend going to this site and getting your birth chart done.  The free chart is a bit surfacey, but a fantastic starting point... I have a gigantic text book at home that expands on each section, it truly is fascinating.

All that being said, today is the beginning of the last time Mercury will go retrograde this year.  This is the first time I have actually been aware of Mercury's retrograde before it happened in a while, so I feel at least a little prepared by virtue of awareness. When I figured this out, and realized it began on election day, I was a bit dismayed.  If you don't know about Mercury in retrograde, there's a lovely little explanation here.  A majority of people dread this period. Communication is confounding, things in general seem more confusing, and frustrating, and as I witnessed at my polling place this morning, electronic devices tend to go wonky... but, as the link explains, it is also a great time to re-examine.  

So, with Mercury's retrograde in mind, I look at my horoscope this morning-

CAPRICORN Nov, 06, 2012
You have made a certain effort over and over again. Each time, you have failed to get the result you hoped for. Yet you keep doing it. Your friends and your family members vary in their reactions. Some think you're foolish. Some think you're being unrealistic. Some think you're wasting your time. And there is a small segment that believes you are a very positive and determined person and you will eventually get what you want. If you choose to believe any of these people - choose the last one.

I have to say, that this shit has been directly on point lately! Hahaha.  Not just for what I am going through personally, but also what I see this election doing (or not doing) for our country.  Some people may be singularly focused on one issue, or candidate... many are focused on one party...some are driven by their personal values, others by what's been ingrained in them, some by anger, but ALL of us, even those who choose to stick their head in the sand in ostrich-like fashion, are driven by our own personal experiences.  This seems to ring true on both the micro and macro levels.

After many, many deep and exhaustive conversations with some close, trusted friends over the last few days, I will admit to feeling a bit lost and defeated.  I had come to a point where I was getting back to trusting myself, and after these conversations (as loving and well intentioned as they each were), I was seriously beginning to doubt my instincts again.  There are definitely people who think (although they may not say it) that I am foolish; there are certainly people who think I am often unrealistic, and the number of people who believe that my determination (or bleeding heart if you want) will eventually lead me to where I want to be, seems to be dwindling of late.

I realize that each of those viewpoints are warranted at some points... I can be a stubborn fucking bastard at times... and I constantly struggle with how high to set my life bar, but... I have to constantly remind myself that each of us has a worldview that is inherently skewed by our own experiences.  There are those who believe that this struggle for consciousness I ramble on about is nothing more than another exercise in head banging... there are those who dismiss the subject completely, perhaps in an effort to avoid having to perform a cranial-rectal extraction (OR that might be a part of my own personal skew ;) there are the pragmatists, the realists, optimists and the pessimists, and there are those who are on a similar actualization path;  they all offer varying viewpoints from which to draw upon... I appreciate having that sort of diversity in my inner circle.

I AM a pretty determined person, even if I occasionally lose sight of that determination in my day to day.  In fact, as much as I sometimes want to just throw my hands up, wave a white flag, give up, and break down, I know that I won't, it's not in me.  There will always be those people or situations that knock the wind out of my sails, that I am sure of.  And I will most likely always wonder if it is on purpose or not.  But, deep down, I believe people to be basically good, doing the very best they can with the resources and tools they have available.  And sometimes, the only way for others to survive is by putting their heads down and plowing through, inadvertently mowing down whatever happens to be in their path.  We all have the power to either take it personally, and continue exposing ourselves to that sort of destruction, picking that fresh scab every time we go back for more; OR we can choose to own ONLY what is ours... consciousness, just like fear, is contagious.  They can both infect everyone... my choice, and your choice, and anyone's choice is which infection I expose myself to regularly... I prefer to be driven by consciousness, rather than fear.  I am hoping that our country as a whole is moving that direction...I think that it is that kind of the determination that will lead us in the directions that we may not all necessarily want, but for sure, what we need.  Happy retrograde everyone- here's to each of us taking a moment to re-examine, gathering our personal and collective determination, and moving forward.

The Truth

In the last year and half I have often shared on here that I felt as though there was a big lesson standing in front of me, just out of my grasp.  I have tried to put to words a feeling that was as indescribable as it was persistent...What I am learning is that no lesson is ever singular in nature, they are all interwoven threads that make up our daily lives- and they are ALWAYS there... the tangibility has more to do with the student being conscious than anything else.  And, at least for me, I have spent most of my life constantly trying to figure it out and deal with it before the universe deems me ready for it, which is a big part of why I struggle and squirm.  In fact, I will go to great lengths to see what the future holds so that I might brace myself for whatever impact there will be of things to come.  I talk about letting things happen organically a lot, but talking about it and actually being still to let life unfold in that manner takes an immense amount of practice and a fucking lot of patience!  So, as I am thinking this morning about how I need to write all of this down, I read my horoscope...

"The universe rarely outwits you.  But since you lost your cheat-sheet this week, you're down here with the rest of us mortals.  Try to look at it as a good thing; your tendency to know all the answers ahead of tine was not only obnoxious, it kept you from developing yourself or being challenged at times.  Getting an honest score on life's tests will not only earn you valuable self-knowledge, it will bring you closer to the real answers, the ones that will mean something to you, unlike those you lifted straight from the book."

Well, goddamn it. That damned universe, it is always RIGHT ON FUCKING TOP OF IT!!!!  That intangible lesson has been right there the whole time...oddly enough, I have many of the clues I have been picking up as well as the ones I have been choosing to ignore, documented on here. Unfortunately, I occasionally fall victim to blissful ignorance, through the beauty of shiny distraction... and anything can be a shiny distraction, if I let it.  As I sit here typing, I realize there are distractions just floating in my periphery.  Part of me wants to reach out and grab hold of them, so that I can squirm out of this uncomfortable corner it feels as though I have backed myself into.  Part of me wants to shrug off this new-found consciousness I have about the lessons staring me down... I want to focus outward and should on people, I want to throw a tantrum about how unfair it is that I have to sit in this space and fucking squirm while others bar hop their way through life, blissfully unaware of how their unconscious actions trample on other people's feelings and BAM!!!!!!!!!! There it is, the distraction trigger is cocked, and all I have to do to pull it is stay right there in outward blame mode. 

The truth is, that this has nothing to do with anyone else. It NEVER DOES!!!! The only part the other people play in any situation is that he or she MAY represent an opportunity for me to bring about consciousness within myself on some issue... the choice then, becomes whether I stay with that consciousness or shift the focus to someone or something outside myself and then return to that state of supposed blissful unawareness.  And, lets be honest kids, consciousness can be fucking uncomfortable.  It's that fire in my belly, or the ache in my heart... It's that feeling that makes me want to run away, or check out.  It's a funny thing, I wait for those conscious moments, and then when they come all I want to do is stuff that shit right back in whatever box it came from and NEVER open it again.  The truth is, what I want is RARELY what I need.  What I want is most always the distraction.  But the distraction is the what keeps me from traversing to that next level of consciousness... and if I am truly honest, consciousness in and of itself isn't all that uncomfortable.  It's just those tiny, singular moments where the mind gears up for the leap, that are the painful ones...perhaps there is truth in that saying about no pain, no gain.

I, like anybody else, find a comfort zone and want desperately to cling to it.  I want to feel the warm embrace of routine, the illusion of security that I fool myself into while I think I have it all figured out.  But the universe often has a cunning way of reminding me that I am never as in charge or in the know as I let myself believe.  The truth is that all I know and the only person I can speak about is myself.  Anything beyond that is a neurotic distraction from the present moment.  Outward focus gains nothing, well except for further distracting me from opportunities to transcend.  So, in stepping out of my neurotic comfort zone,  I choose not to focus on the anger or hurt floating in the periphery, and instead listen to what the universe has to say... A line from a particular Pink song comes to mind; and while the entire song seems so realavant right now, this line in particular keeps standing out to me-

"It takes your breath, and it leaves a scar, but those untouched never got, never got very far..."

I feel as though I am right there, in that moment in my life.  I have finally come to that point where I let it take my breath, and yep; it left a scar.  But the truth about life is that both the gasp and the scar are necessary and completely worth what I gain from the experience.  Avoidance was my cheat-sheet, anger my distraction, and consciousness is my resolution.  So my heart may hurt, my belly might ache, but somehow I am at peace with that.  I need to remember that the truth is when I make conscious choices, even if I slip back into neurosis, it doesn't have to be permanent.

Casualties of the Mind

visceral-characterized by or proceeding from instinct rather than intellect.

ruminate-to chew again or over and over.

In composing this post, I thought it apt to look up the dictionary definitions to my blog title.  Not that I didn't know what the words meant, but as the post was coming to me, I realized the humor in the words in relation to the proceeding ramblings...  I think it's amusing that I chose to put these two words together, because I RARELY do both at once... when I ruminate on things (which as you may know if you've been around here much, is pretty much ALWAYS) I am generally doing so in avoidance of some visceral reaction that is bubbling up inside me.  And believe me, I am the fucking QUEEN of avoidance.  I spent last night opening my mail from the last two months... why? Because I avoid opening mail like the mother fucking plague and like most matches in the game of avoidance, I finally lost this week and was forced to remove my head from my ass and deal with some elements of real life.  Yep, I have issues when it comes to some forms of adulthood; toss them into pile with commitment, responsibility, and communication. 

What would I do if I didn't think incessantly?! Hahaha, and now, I will proceed to think about how I think about things too much, BRILLIANT!!!!!  In some of the other forms of this post, I called out specific situations... and I was pretty fucking honest. And, as is usually the case, I was pretty fucking hard on myself... after all, if I'm not- who will be?!  But then, I thought about other parties involved in said  situations and worried about them becoming a casualty of my blog.  I try wherever possible to not use names and specifics, and in this case, it just didn't seem feasible to disguise the situations well enough... not that the other parties have anything to hide, more that it really isn't my right to call the situations out in public form.  And truthfully, a lot of the catharsis that comes from this blog lies dormant in those unpublished drafts... I get what I need from them- I get whatever IT is out of my head, and I move on... or I write it out, and then ruminate and come back to it later, sometimes many, many, times over... and at some point, I come to a place where I can publish some version of whatever lesson I have been pinging on. 

I am a girl who spends a majority of the time in her head, over analyzing every. last. thing.  Everything I say, everything I do, everything I think. The curse is two fold, it's obsessively over thinking any and everything, be it my job or my personal life, and then staying in my head about it until I am so paralyzed by fear (real or perceived) that I am unable to make any sense of it outside of my own head... and I hate that space. Some days are worse than others... some days I almost forget how awkward I am.  Other days it seems completely inescapable.  It's tiring... exhausting really, but ironically it's also the source of my intermittent insomnia.  I worry myself sick over mostly dumb shit that is out of my control.  Mine is a monkey mind that, when left unattended can be frightening and or dangerous.  Not dangerous to others... mainly dangerous to me.  I hate being stuck on that hamster wheel... it's mental masturbation with no release...

I sometimes wonder, what would happen if I decided to just be.  I also wonder if that is a decision I am capable of... maybe I am hardwired for awkward.  Maybe I am pre-programmed to stew in my head.  Maybe I skipped the line when they were handing out interpersonal skills... Or maybe there's a way to (as some have suggested to me) 'just get over it'.  I want to be over it. I want to be able to converse in real time the way I pound away at a keyboard... I want the bravery I pretend to have on here in real life... Even though I think this blog has helped me articulate myself and thus be a bit more honest with myself, I also think it has enabled me to continue to hide. Take this post for example, I have written countless different drafts of this same post over the last two weeks not knowing if I will actually publish any of them...because I am stuck in the vortex of awkwardity...yeah, it's so bad I have made up a word for it.  Damn it I hate when I make these kinds of realizations...

This is a majority of the reason tough bitch has been around for so long.  Tough bitch helps me to hide my awkwardness behind being loud and brash and acting as if I do not care. But there are times when even tough bitch can't hide me... I am sure it's quite the sight to witness me brooding....I know there are many people in my life who wish I could just get off this loop track of regretting before I ever do anything. I know I am not the only one who does this ... I have actually attempted to talk to others about it... but generally one or both of us is so awkward about it that we change the subject and the conversation goes a different way entirely...two people bumbling on that same arduous level is agonizing.  I often envy those people who can be spontaneous... who can have a conversation or type out a text or an email like it's second nature, without having to bother to re-read, re-think or revise it 42 times, which is what I do a majority of the time...Like I said, I am not in that space ALL the time, just most of it, haha.  The times that I am not wandering aimlessly amongst my mind's skeletons, I am sharp, I am keen, I am on point, and I am relatively content...what a shame those moments aren't my majority! Still working to find a balance on that front. It's a slow process, so for now, I guess all I can commit to is opening my mail on a more regular basis, we shall see how that goes.

Jameson 12 Year

So, generally I am not a fan of what comes with girl friendships- things like drama, deceit, arguments over nothing, caddy-ness, etc.  That being said, I do have a hand full of super amazing women in my life.  Some, I see and talk to on a regular basis, some not so regularly due to the time and distance constraints of life; but somehow I remain connected to said few.  I love them all for different reasons- all of them teach me things about myself, many of them hold me accountable, love me when I am incapable of loving myself, and truly embody what I think true friendship is. Over the past couple of years, all of these women have been instrumental in helping me to work through much of what I write about on this blog, they know the details behind the posts, and- they love me in spite of my plentiful shortcomings and fuck-ups.  They are a part of my journey of self discovery on an intensely deep level in their respective ways, they are the chicks in my soul tribe; and hopefully, I am some sort of similar support to them.

That being said... about a year and a half ago, I did a tandem post with fellow blogger Grateful Mamma entitled Jameson Items.  The post was our attempt to commit to type a set of guidelines for what we should remember in looking for a partner.  At the time of the post, we were both newly single and trying our damndest to do something different in that area of our lives.  I will say, in the last year and a half I have referred back to that list countless times.  But, for honesty's sake, I will also admit to ignoring it at times as well... I would venture to guess she would admit the same, and while some of the other girls in my life may not have a list committed to a public forum, I think most of us have one floating around in the back corners of our brains.  In general, it is not fleshed out into words, but a general sense of what we want and how we want to be treated.  The catch is that I think at various times in our lives we often ignore it for whatever shiny bright new boy (or girl) is in front of us.

As of late, this whole idea has surfaced in conversations with MANY of these said women.  Some are going through break-ups, others are in happily committed relationships, and others are in relationships where the list has long since been tossed out the window.  The conversations I have had in the last week continue to swing back to the same theme... Why do we do what we do? How is it that we can be completely confident and secure with what we want and what that will look and feel like, and then we start the slow process of whittling away that confidence until we are left with a shadow of what was there before?  And how do we know when we have what we want VS when we are amending what we want for what is in front of us?  I know many of you have been there before... maybe some of you are there now... maybe your reading this convincing yourself that you have never compromised...

Well, while I am not there in this present moment, I've been there, and for some reason, it seems like a lot of my girls are there right now.  And it wrenches my gut with empathy... I hate that space, we all hate that space where it finally dawns on us that maybe, just maybe, we have been compromising ourselves, some of us for a really long time.  And that point of realization FUCKING SUCKS, because with that one realization comes a ripple effect of others... what you thought you had is not really what you originally wanted, but what if what you wanted is not real... what if what you thought you wanted is unattainable...or is what you have good enough, or is it settling... how do you know if it's a forever thing... how do you keep going or how do you end it?  OR how do you keep going if the other ends it? 

These are all real thoughts that have at one time or another crossed my mind...and I know have crossed some of your minds too...And, while some may take me for a bitter, spiteful bitch...I am gunna reveal a big secret, (which most of you already know) at the heart of it, underneath my shield of brashness, I am a gigantic fucking softy, a hopeless romantic, and perhaps most shockingly, an eternal optimist... Plus, lets be honest, I have trial and erred my way through a lot of these scenarios in the last decade...

So, for what it's worth... after a year and a half, I would like to propose one little addendum to the Jameson Items list...

Before anything on that list can be obtained in another person, you HAVE TO get those things for yourself!  If there are things about yourself that you want to work on- DO IT!!!  Take what you have learned (or maybe past lessons you have ignored) and flesh that shit out! Now, don't go thinking I am high and mightily pointing a finger, because there are 10 pointed back at me, I know.  I struggle with this shit all the time, but I have had countless conversations over the past few weeks with many of my girls, and I can safely say that we could ALL stand to hear this now and again, myself included.  What I have come to realize is that the Jameson Items list is a reminder to me of who I need to be... that partnership thing is COMPLETELY secondary.  There is no shopping for a partner, there is taking care of my shit so that there is a clear and open path for whatever to happen ORGANICALLY.  The more I learn about myself, the more mental clutter I clear our of my mind, the more apt I am to make the kind of connections I am seeking...and it is all about the HUMAN connection... let that flow; label and categorize later!

I just want to say, I fucking love every last one of you.  I love you for your strengths, I love you for your weaknesses (real or perceived), I love you for your victories and I love you for your failures, because we all have them.  To those of you in happy, healthy relationships... thank you. You guys are the ones who keep my inner romantic alive and preaching to the rest of us, you show us that it is possible to find what we are looking for, whatever that may be for each of us. To those of you currently 'stuck' in some sort of cyclical deal with a significant other, aware of it, but confused and frustrated, and unable to make a change at the present moment- It's alright.  Keep working toward it. Keep talking about, keep building the strength to do what you need to do for you, so long as you put the foot work into yourself, things will work out in whatever way they are supposed to.  (Feel free to take a number and punch me later, it's okay, I can take it ;)

Transcendence through Triangulation

Transcendent- beyond consciousness or direct apprehension; free from the limitations inherent in the matter.   Its more about traversing the mental terrain of self and less about evolving; life that is.  I used to be obsessed with evolving, now my mental onion has peeled off another layer to reveal that  evolving is not as simple a process as 'gradual development'. There are a few ingredients needed in order for that development to take place, and transcendence is one of those key ingredients...in order to evolve to a higher level of consciousness one must first transcend the present level of consciousness...

Sounds pretty good in word form. It is actually pretty tough in practice, a process of getting out of your conscious self's way... for the monkey brained, over stimulated, always pinging race that humans are in today's world it is damned near impossible.  I was recently reminded of a concept that came to light for me a few years back..the idea of triangulation.  Triangulation asserts that the answer to some questions (actually, in my opinion, most of life's conundrums) is not either, or, but both, and.  Picture an equilateral triangle... the solutions of A or B are the two at the base... connected by a straight line.  After going back and forth between solution A and solution B for a while, and feeling so completely confused... like A is no better than B, so how could I choose either... consider getting to the midpoint and looking up for an alternative solution that seems to encompass both A&B thus creating a third solution in C, or the point to the triangle.  That third solution is the essence of transcendence; but it aint easy, which is why we so rarely look for it... although, if, in the the long run, we could stop for a moment and remove ourselves from the tail chasing process of looking at A or B, we would see that C is not necessarily more difficult- just different. Like rubbing your belly and patting your head at the same time... and then switching directions.

I know, I am so fucking prolific! Hahahahahaha!!!! Not really.  Because I have had this concept in my brain for sometime now, and it is STILL the absolute last resort for me.  In fact, in most cases, I have to be reminded of this option...

Recently  someone, ok, ok, MANY people close to me have pointed out that I have been angrier than usual.  And, I have been looking at it, but have not been able to get to the heart of why.  Every time I try to go back in time and look at it, I come up with some superficial root cause.  Then I put a band-aide on that and carry on.  And then a week or a month or a year later, the topic comes up again.  Someone else puts the subject out in front of me and I am forced to look again... what the fuck is it? Why does this keep coming up?  And ya know what, once that triangular solution came to me, I was relieved... well, relieved and pissed.  Because that third angle was so fucking obvious that I had long since given up on it, I had checked it off as having been dealt with. After all, it was so infantile. Literally... it goes back to birth.  And let me tell you, I have TRUCK LOADS of self judgement about it- which is why I had avoided it as an option in the first place.

But I have had a couple of weeks for this information to set in... And I can say with confidence that it is FOR SURE the wire I have been tripping over for years now... it's what I have many times over explained as the solution I know is right in front of me, but that I cannot quite discern or touch.  It's why I am constantly having an inner battle... I have been fighting my whole life between feeling not good enough and too good.  And it is the MOTHER LOAD of self sabotage.  It has little to do with how any one person has made me feel, because I have spent a lifetime trying to circumvent actually feeling this in real time.  What a crazy fucking juxtaposition.  When I feel I am not good enough, I act as though I am TOO good, when I feel I am too good, I act like a fucking jackass, no wonder so few people actually know me for who I am.  And let me be clear, when I say too good, I don't mean, oh I am better than anyone... I mean holding myself to this insane standard... like not being able to show weakness or vulnerability because I should know better.  Like needing desperately to reach out, but not allowing myself to ask for support because I 'should' be able to handle it... and the not good enough side comes in on the heals of those thoughts and says I am a weak fuck anyway for struggling in the first place.

In order to get to point C in this pickle I am going to have to get to a point where I can recognize that I am not either or, but both AND.  First, I have to remove the judgement from being either or; then I can embrace that both are totally alright which, will in turn crumble that anger veil I have been wearing in defense of myself.

I find myself increasingly exhausted by keeping up this game of tag with myself.  All I want is to let go, but the very essence of letting go scares me into continuing on in this game of self charades.  Sometimes all I want is for someone to hold me while I have a really good, gut wrenching cry... but A and B prevent that from happening.  C says that is exactly what needs to happen, let go and embrace it at once.... So complex and yet so simple.  Ugh, trudge onward lovely, stay as open minded as possible, love yourself as much as you can, even when it seems completely impossible, it is not.  Contrary to my confusing inner dialogue, the world will not stop if I breakdown... the good news in all of this is that I am not nearly as important as I think I am... and my own perceived insignificance is not nearly as out in front of the world as I think it is. Transcendence is near....

PYT

So earlier today I re-posted a few entries from last year, which you can read here if you are so inclined.  And as promised, I am posting to thread three of those posts together with where I am now, mainly because I lost footing on some of those concepts for a bit so I think it is important that I own up to that- for myself. I had a long talk with some of my soul tribe members this weekend, and they did a pretty good job of making me realize that it was time for a  reality check.  I posted about the beginning of that reality check a few weeks back- but now it's time to practice what I preach...

More often then not, I find myself in the position of  cheer leading people - comforting people who hurt, encouraging people who struggle, empowering those who are disenchanted... And, as has been pointed out to me many times before, I spit some good game; unfortunately, I have a REALLY hard time taking my own advice.  I cannot tell you how often I tell someone how amazing they are- how many times I have reminded someone to keep their head up and continue on.  Love yourself, and things will fall into place. And lets get one thing straight, I am more than happy to listen, converse and cheer lead those in my life, in my opinion, that is what friends do for one another.  The issue at hand is that I will not open myself up for the remotest inkling of reciprocation.

I believe that we all have tough times, shitty days, unfortunate circumstances.  I also believe that the only way for others to get through it is to lean on people.  Humans are community creatures. Humans need interaction with other humans to nurture their souls and expand their minds, or at it's most animalistic level- humans need other humans for survival.  It's pretty fucking basic.  And I understand the concept- but like all the other niceties I afford others, I cannot wrap my mind around these concepts when it comes to myself.  And most of the time, I don't even know it.  I have had conversations with people that I need to have with myself literally HUNDREDS of times in the last six months.  And it's not that I don't have people to talk to myself, because I do.  There are a handful of people on this planet who really and truly know me, who really and truly love me, no matter how hard or often I bang my head against my own wonderwall.  But some how, I sink into this pattern of avoidance. Like a man who drives around lost and pissed off and refuses to ask for directions.  It would be so simple to stop at the petrol station and ask the clerk for help, but instead I go into avoid, avoid, avoid mode.

I know that avoidance gets me no where, if anything it gets me more lost and even more frustrated. But, for some reason, when the CD of my inner dialogue starts skipping, I convince myself that it is a remix as opposed to reaching out and skipping to the next song.  So I listen to the same fucked up track, on repeat, for days or weeks, or in this present case, months.  The more I listen, the more dazed and confused I become, and the less likely it seems that the track will ever end.  It's a vicious, torturous, cycle.  It's masochism on it's most simplistic level.  And then, at some point, something snaps me out of it- a person or situation usually- and the reality check is never fun. It's never easy. It's exhausting, and it hurts, and I am forced to feast on that old, familiar dish I love to hate, humble pie.

A year and a half ago, I wrote about my go to persona, whom I dubbed tough bitch.  (Persona is a Jungian concept, read about it here if your interested.)  Anyway, at the time I was sincerely focused on growth and in a highly introspective point in my life... for maybe the first time in my life I was aware of how that face that I present to the world was no longer serving my best interest.  I told myself that things were going to change, that I was going to stop presenting myself as this tough chick who didn't give a fuck and start trying to let more of the world know who I really am, at least on some level.  And, it went alright for a while, I made other discoveries- like realizing I had constructed a wonderwall to go along with tough bitch.  I knew that peeling away all those fortess like layers was going to take some time and effort, and I was committed to deconstructing it.  And then... and then a series of seemingly little events started cascading into my life.  Things that tough bitch was better at dealing with.  So I let her come back.  and before I knew it, she had taken up residency in my brain again.

Everybody has their schtick in life.  Some people are the comedians, you know the type, every single thing is a joke to them, they deal with everything through humor.  Some people are the victims, they wallow in all the traumatic shit that has happened to them and they wait around for someone to rescue them.  My schtick has always been tough bitch.  I don't give a fuck, I'm a bitch, I'm intimidating, I never let anyone close to me... you get the picture.  Thing is, I'm not.  I do give a fuck.  the intimidation and the bitchiness stuff are all a part of the act.  And as a result, no one does get close to me, because I have set it up that way for most of my life.  I am a firm believer that you teach people how to treat you... if you do not think you are being treated fairly, look at your interactions with said party and assess.  I have taught people to leave me alone.  I have taught people that there is no need to worry about my feelings, because I have led them to believe I have none.  And no, I am not completely alone. As I stated earlier, there are maybe 5 people that know tough bitch isn't really me.  They are the ones that see me cry.  They are the ones that I allow myself to occasionally be vulnerable around.  So, if I can do it with them I should be able to do it with everyone, right? Wrong.

Nope.  As committed as I was year and a half ago to working on letting go of all those useless defense mechanisms, I have not.  And, as a result, it has gotten worse, it has seeped into most every area of my life.  It was pointed out to me recently that the way I have been talking about myself is almost annoyingly negative.  It was even suggested that I try reciting positive affirmations everyday in an effort to reverse my inner dialogue.  At first, I scoffed.  I thought that those critiques were completely unfounded, until I started catching myself refer to myself as an idiot, or a dumbass, or a retard, fucktard, stupid bitch... And, I have to say, after I became aware of it, it was pretty fucking ridiculous.  The thought of reciting positive affirmations made my skin crawl, and let's be honest- trying to change the habits and thinking I have had for most of my life is no small feat! So, baby steps it is.  Now every time I catch myself about to let a self deprecating comment pass my lips, I change it to Pretty Young Thing.  If that sounds silly to you, imagine what it sounds like to me.  But now that I am aware of just how long I have been back sliding, desperate times call for desperate measures.  I will never teach someone to treat me the way I truly want to be treated if I don't treat myself that way.

It's a tough spot to be in, I know what I want, I know exactly what I have to do to get it, but it's the how that fucks me every time. I am sitting here, alone and frustrated with no one to blame but myself, because just like always, I set it up that way.  Sometimes, the lesson isn't learned until the it's been presented multiple times by numerous teachers; and I will figure this out, I know.  But damn it, it sure fucking hurts in the mean time! I have to keep reminding myself, there is no growth without pain, this too will pass, Holly.  The best advice I have ever been given applies so well here- When going through hell- KEEP GOING!

Life Support

I originally posted this in April of 2011, re-posting as a reminder to myself that life is indeed cyclical.   I would be remiss not to link the posts about Tough Bitch and my Wonderwall here as well.  Later today, I hope to upload a post about the connection between the three and where I am at with them a year and half out. I have never claimed to be perfect, but in the interest of the original intent of this blog, I must be transparent, even if only to myself!  I have to sometimes remind myself that being human doesn't necessarily make me a hypocrite- and that sometimes it takes me many, many tries before certain life lessons actually sink in. In the mean time, none of us are perfect, but we are all Pretty Young Things :) 


All my life I have prided myself on being dynamic, ever evolving, trying to grow at every opportunity etc.  But recently, I realized that the growth I pride myself on happens in spurts as opposed to the continuous flow I had once thought I maintained.  So, that got me thinking-what is it that allows my growth to wax and wane? What is it that makes some people in this world great and others to be content with good enough?

The answers to those questions have been revealing themselves to my consciousness lately... Not that the answers were not there all along, more that I am finally coming to a spot where I can be consciously aware of them.  The disruption in the flow of growth, as well as what allows some to settle for 'good enough' comes from within- Now, I am not saying that anyone (including myself) has that kind of inner dialogue- like "well, it seems as though we have made great strides, so lets just take a break" Nor am I saying that any of us really know that we are settling for good enough when we do.  But growth is an extremely tricky, slippery slope; and sometimes it is easy to lose ourselves in that singular moment of patting ourselves on the back for a job well done.  Then, before ya know it you have 'settled down and settled in' for the next 6 months, year, maybe even decade.

That shift in focus for me, usually comes from and outside source that I allow myself to be distracted with (Oh look! Something shiny!!!) And without even realizing it, I have derailed my growth attempts in favor of the newest favorite thing in my life.  This business of growth is more of a discipline than a process.  It takes time, diligence, practice and perseverance, it really is no wonder that we end up taking breaks from it... it is tough stuff!!!  The problem with breaks is that (at least for me) they never end up being 15 minutes, or even an evening...they turn in to that settle period without my even noticing.

Once the settling has begun, it overtakes most areas of life, and the backslide down the slippery slope begins.  It's not a landslide pace, it's slow, centimeters a month so to speak... at this pace it is very tough to even realize one is in backwards motion, and so the backslide continues on down the slope.  Now, we are not only not growing, but we are also slowly slipping into old habits, patterns and familiarities.  Things that we had previously grown out of or evolved from are now beginning to re-appear in our lives, and they fit like a tailored suit, so we do not notice, because for the most part we are 'content', and when we are content there seems no reason to change... if it ain't broke don't fix it right?  But what happens if it is broken, and we have merely convinced ourselves of a new reality of 'broken'?

I learned recently that growth comes out of the proper mix of challenge and support... If we are not challenged in life, we see no reason to reach forward and upward... why would we when where we are seems good enough?  But, without the proper amount of support to those challenges we will feel defeated, deflated and frustrated, and consequently we will quit trying to grow.  Makes sense really, and, I think this hypothesis further answers my two original questions.  In order to remember that I am trying to reach the bar in front of me, the one that remains just millimeters from my grasp, I need to surround myself with people who are also trying to reach for their own bars.  We will share similar struggles and victories on our own respective quests for growth and greatness, and that dialogue will allow me to stay focused on my bar.  I think that it is this process that leads some out of 'good enough' to greatness...whatever that may mean for each of us. 

The key, as it always seems to come back round to, is awareness.  Awareness of self and the processes that are happening in the mind on the moment to moment basis, awareness of others...do those that I surround myself with share similar goals of yearning for their own personal growth and greatness?  Because, if not, this can certainly derail my process, and I have no more time to wane... so, on this day I re-affirm my will to do as much as I possibly can to stay conscious of my own process as well as my surroundings... I want to support those who support me.  That being said, I cannot support those who cannot on some level support their own growth because they will never be able to support me.  That slippery slope of growth becomes deep water to tread when others around us are drowning... and the only thing that drowning victim can do in their moments of despair is try everything to take you down with them... I was a life guard long enough... I think it is time to focus on my own bar.

Shutter Speed

I read a blog post recently about a photographer's 'un-pinteresting' life.  She talked about how online personalities have created a sort of unattainable bar in life- like the internet gives people a chance to present whatever 'self' they want the rest of the world to see... It made me think about the digitization of our society and culture, and how much that has changed in the last decade or so.  As the daughter of an 'oldschool' photographer... the kind who processed his own photography in the darkroom in the basement... it is a little surreal to see what can be done with images digitally now- granted, some of it is breath taking and beautiful, and I know some digital photographers who are truly artists, in that they have an eye and can capture things in ways others of us couldn't...but using a filter doesn't make you an artist, it doesn't make you a photographer. And it's not just photography... it's music...design... it's the human experience..all sorts of things.  It's misrepresentation is what it is.

I look around at the blogging, facebooking, instagramming, pinteresting crowd that is mine and the next generation and don't really know what to think... is the digitization of our society watering our lives down to an e-card quote?  We have the ability now to share more of ourselves and our lives then ever before... but instead of deep connection or meaningful conversation we are presented with perfect family photos that cover up train wreck lives...or dead careers... or broken hearts... or bullied kids.  Truth is, I don't believe it.  I KNOW we all have some beautiful disaster in us... and yes, whether the internet or facebook or google agree or not, there is beauty in everybody's disasters.  It sometimes seems like the last of human realism is on the cutting room floor... photo shopped out for the most marketable, rock star angle.  And then what?!

I think I have stated pretty clearly before- I am not immune, I certainly pick what to share and who knows what about me just like the next guy, to an extent.  I am fairly up front and honest in my posts on here, but I also don't publish every post... I have dozens of drafts that I write only for myself.  I regularly struggle with what is and is not OK to post... I am not advocating that we all put everything about ourselves out on front street for everyone to see...  In all honesty, I live a pretty un-pinteresting life as well... and I am really good with that.  It seems far too exhausting to try to be at the right places with the right faces at the right times. 

What would happen if we were all slightly more honest about the un-pinteresting sides of ourselves?  What would that look like?

Sometimes my house is a catastrophe... sometimes my brain is a minefield...  9 times out of 10, I don't wear pants when I am at home.  I avoid folding laundry like the plague.  I open my mail only when I absolutely HAVE to.  I love shitty Chinese food.   I try on 80% of my wardrobe (nearly everyday, and sometimes twice a day) trying to find something I am willing to leave the house in.  I will NOT leave the house without makeup.  I regularly let my pride and ego keep me from things I want or need to do.  I assume I am being judged and scrutinized at all times.  I say I don't care, but I do.  I feel inadequate in many areas of my life, a lot of the time... I front like a hard ass, but cry like a bitch sometimes.  And the comfort I have in all of that is that I know ALL of you feel some of the same things, a lot of the time.  But then we wrap it all  up, run it through a filter, and post it on facebook, and all of the realism gets lost in translation.

I want to go back to processing my own life film.  I want to loosen my grip on 'who I should be by now'.. I want to appreciate the art that is my life, and the lives of the people around me. I want to stop chasing every fucking shiny thing I come across because mine is the generation of instant gratification.  I want to get back to living authentically.   More often than not, my head is the container that keeps my self loathing from spilling out into the world, and it is time to stop doing the self deprecation dance.

My BFAM graduated from college today, and I am SO unbelievably proud of him! He has grown so immensely in the last two years, that words cannot do it justice.  The commencement speaker gave a really compelling speech about how the most successful people are those who are not afraid to fail, a lot.  That speech and a big brother talk I had recently, have got me thinking about some things I have been trying to hide from lately- all of which are driven by my crippling fear of failure.  From far too much past experience, I know that I am always the root cause of my own self destruction... thankfully, I have people in my life who will not hesitate to kick my ass- I need that, seriously.  I occasionally lose focus, I often lose interest, but I usually come back around.

 I am ready to fail, a lot... at the end of every failure, is the next opportunity for success, and I am the only person with the power to manifest that in my life.  It's as if every now and then, I hit pause on my life- why? Who the fuck knows?! I think sometimes everyone needs a break, sometimes it seems like using a filter is easier than manually focusing.  But mind clutter cannot be photo-shopped out.  That shit has to be processed in the dark room, and the end results will always be a surprise.  It's the processing that is beautiful, if we take the time to allow things to develop...
One of my all time favorite song lyrics comes from Ani Difranco "It took me too long to realize that I don't take good pictures because I have the kind of beauty that moves." I love that line, I have no idea why it is so hard for me to apply it in my life... oh well, it's a process right? Maybe it's time to lengthen my exposure and adjust my shutter speed...

I love you BFAM, thanks for the reminders, the inspiration, and the patience.  You should be so fucking proud of yourself, your the kind of big brother I am proud to look up to and I couldn't have hand picked a better big brother if I wanted to :)

Breaking the Girl

While driving yesterday, it dawned on me that I hadn't posted in a while.  I have proven to myself that I am not one of those vigilant bloggers who posts everyday... Nor am I someone who has something prolific to say most of the time.  But, since I started this blog over a year ago as a way to chronicle what's in my mind, I guess I do find it necessary to post periodically.  Even if I am super busy- well, especially when I am super busy.  It's the busy times that allow me to lose track of what's in front of me, and allow me stop with forward motion in self progression.

Last week my dad got some great news.  He landed a contract at work that he had been pursuing for a while, it's big.  It means so much to him for so many reasons.  It validates a super long, super tough journey he has been on since leaving his last job.  It proves what most of us close to him already knew- that he is an amazing human- and that he cares about what he does no matter what it is, where it is, or who it is for.  My whole life I have tried to embody this kind of character, and while I may not be as thorough and stellar at it as he is, I owe much of my dedication and work ethic to my father; well both of my parents really.

Anyway, so he calls me on the day he landed the contract, and he's ecstatic- cloud 9 doesn't even aptly describe it.  I haven't heard him this excited in a long, long time.  I share in his excitement, telling him that I could not think of better news, there's a pause. 

"Dad? You still there?"
"Yeah, sweet pea.  I can think of better news though..."
"What?" As soon as the question pops out of my mouth I regret asking it.
"The best news would be you having a man to share your life with."
Zing.

Ugh, I hate this talk. We have it every couple of months.  Either my mom, or my dad, try to find a way to bring up the subject, and while I am sure they intend it to be subtle, it never is.  And I love them both, I know they just want me to be happy.  And I guess they have a hard time with me being single... not that I don't, it has certainly been a process of getting to know myself solo, but I also see where it has been immensely good for me... I try to ease out of the subject.

"I know, daddy."
And I hope like hell this doesn't lead to another lesson on how I need to put myself out there, how he can set me up with someone, how I should start online dating...
"I just want to see you happy, sweet pea.  Are you seeing anyone, what about (insert any male's name that has come out of my mouth in the months since we last had this conversation)?"
"Daddddddd." I moan.  He knows I don't want to have the conversation, so he ends it-
"Ahh well, you'll find him. There's somebody out there for everyone."
"Yep, I'm sure I will." I assure him, even though I am mostly certain that's a lie.

Oi. Vey. This conversation wouldn't have made that much of an impression if I didn't end up having similar conversations with my mother and my boss in the days that followed.  What is it with middle agers? They all have an opinion on what I should be doing and who I should be with or try to be with or think about being with. It's exhausting.  Singledom is not the end of the world. It just seems as though there is a lot of pressure from 'grown up' types to fit into this mold I have never fit in...and sometimes wonder if I ever will.  I know they all mean well, but damn. 

I am okay. Could I be better? Sure, couldn't we all?!  It is tough sometimes to be single... as we age, the world is not set up to be solo- many (if not most) people my age are coupled up, or tied down.  Others are on their second marriage or third kid... which is fine. I am not a relationship hater by any means, it just bothers me to have the fact that I am single presented to me as though it's this nasty virus I need to get taken care of. 

I know I need to learn to loosen up. I know I have issues relaxing and letting go.  I know that I walk around  wearing a coat of armor 3 feet thick.  I am so painfully aware. And don't get me wrong, to all of you who try to help me, who keep me aware of what I need to work on, I am so GRATEFUL!!!  If I were to be honest... ugh. If I were to honest with any of the people who have so lovingly tried to nudge me into that whole getting out there thing in the last year and a half- I'm just not there. I am paralyzed with fear.  I try to ignore the fear by throwing myself into work and projects and anything I can possibly do aside from conquering that fear, and it's a cop-out. I know.  But, it is on my radar, I swear! As oblivious as I may seem, I am not so naive as to think nothing's subject to change, because it all is.

War of Words

Stupid.
Bitch.
Cunt.
Gay.
Loser.
Shady.

Words are a funny thing in our culture, the words in that beginning list are all words that have multiple meanings; they need context and inflection in order for us to derive what the speaker intends by them.  And it's the intention behind the words we speak that has had my brain working over time lately.  All of those words have been used to describe me at some point or another in the last six months.  Each of the circumstances were different, but the intentions were all the same, the speaker was intending to hurt me with words.

We all know the saying 'sticks and stones..." and, for the most part, that is true.  Words cannot hurt anyone, unless we give them that sort of power.  We, as humans, are the ones who attach meaning to words, so don't attach meaning and everything is fine... or is it?  After this most recent barrage of words, I thought to myself, huh- I do not believe that I am a stupid bitch, or a dumb cunt, but I also have a hard time wrapping my mind around why people would go to such an extent in an attempt to hurt someone with words.

I will be the first to say, I do not like everyone, in fact there are some people I don't like and probably never will.  But I cannot recall a situation where I thought it necessary to use words like grenades.  NOT that I am a saint, because I am not, and NOT that I feel like a wounded victim, because I am not that either... I just wonder what it is about our culture, and I do not even know precisely what I mean by our culture- American culture... Western culture... I don't know; but really, what is it that allows us to have such a sincere disconnect with the reverence of humanity?

We could blame the media I guess... but that seems so trite and shallow... I really think there is something deeper there; how did the media become so irreverent? Again, this isn't about the words, it's the intention behind the words... it's the actions accompanying the words.  Up until recently, I thought all this jibber jabber about bullying was ridiculous, like it's been happening forever, why are today's kids any different than the bullying that went on in my generation or the generations before.  Now, I think maybe it is different... maybe kids are meaner, because many of the 'grown ups' I know seem to be pretty venomous... and where do our kids get their social ques from? Yeah.  Hmm...

There is another layer though, when and why and how did us grown-ups get to be so vicious?
Where did that start? I am sure it has been a slow process, that seems cunningly pronounced to me at the moment... but that trail must lead somewhere, right?  I have to say, Americans are the most entitled people I have ever met... We all want what we want, we want it now, we deserve it, and fuck whoever thinks they are going to stand in our way. Hell, fuck whoever is standing in our way, be it on purpose or not.  I am ME, and therefore YOU OWE ME.  It's a bit nauseating when drawn out like that, eh?  But we are all guilty of it from time to time. 

And no, I do not have any fantastical answers to the questions I have posed in the above paragraphs... I don't even know if there are any simple, black and white answers... but I do think it is important for all of us to be aware of not just what we are saying, but our intentions.  Look, I certainly don't think we all have to get along, I am definitely not proposing we sit around, holding hands, singing rounds of kumbayah, I just think it's important to be aware.  It's tough, I know... none of us are as perfect as our entitled American brains would have us think; but it is certainly something I am going to attempt to work on...

Hello Destiny

It's been a while since I've had some clarity, and while I won't make any sweeping proclamation about having clarity in this moment, it seems my brain has decided it is time to get back to a regular blogging regiment.  There has been much swirl in the old noggin lately and I it's become clear that I have to write it out to sort it out.  I have written before about the feeling of being on the verge of change, and I am at that spot again.  I found out last week that funding is being pulled for one of my jobs... it's a sad and happy thing really.  It's sad because whether I am the one doing the work or someone else, I believe the mission to be so very important.  On the other hand, in June, part of my security blanket will be ripped out from under me, which is actually a really good thing.  I have gotten too comfortable with where I am at in the last year... and comfort usually makes me settle.  And settling leads to complacency, and well, we all know what comes after complacency.

So, for the first time in my 30 years I am being 'laid off'.  I have never lost a job, not to lay off, or firing.  Hell, I have never quit a job without another one waiting for me in the wings.  As much as it pains me to admit, I am a practical goat of a Capricorn in that way.  My other job will still be here, but it is not going to be enough to pay all my proud-to-be-an-American-debts, so I must begin looking at other options.  I have begun a traditional 'job search', scouring job postings on the web, and polishing up the old resume, another first for me. 

I have never done the traditional job search thing, I usually acquire jobs through networking, or hear about a position and drive the employer nuts until they hire me.  Looking at all these jobs postings has made me so weary... I have an idea of what I want to do and the type of people or company I would like to work for, and for the first time, a ballpark idea of what I want to make salary wise, but it is like I am searching in the wrong places.  I know myself, and I will never be able to work a traditional, punch the clock, 9-5 job, with a higher up hovering over me as if I am a child who needs babysitting.  I cannot imagine being glued to a desk and computer 8 hours a day 5 days a week... the main reason I have stayed in my current position is because it is so flexible and no two days are ever the same.

Like anybody else, I would love to work for myself, unfortunately- every time I start thinking of that, the stupid pragmatist inside of me comes out in full force, ready to billy club any idea I have with 42 reasons why it won't work.  That pragmatic side is so strong, I dare not utter any idea that comes to me to another soul, because the pragmatist immediately tells me what a ridiculous, convoluted idea it is, and assures me that no one would give it a serious thought. So, I have been spending a great deal of time alone, in my head, what a dangerous place to be sometimes!

I look around at my life, and the lives of my peers, and I think- "come on, pull yourself together man!" Look at all the raging success around you- success in many, many different forms- success in careers, financial success, success at love, success with family, and on and on.  And it is not that I do not feel as though there is success in my life, because I know there is, hell the fact that I made it to 30 was a pretty big victory! It's not that I necessarily envy the success of those around me, ok maybe I do envy some parts of it- I envy the ability to take a risk in whatever arena, but it is not that I want what others have, it is that I see the joy that others have and I want to manifest that in  my life, it just seems as though I often struggle to get out of my own fucking head long enough to make something happen.

For over a year now, it is like I have been searching desperately for some unknown, intangible thing.  And that thing, whatever it may be, is right in front of me, if I simply loosen my grip on whatever intangible thing I am holding onto.  That probably sounds incoherent, but I am unsure how to put that weird feeling or this weird space I am in into words.  I have this feeling that I have a death grip on something that is holding me back, but I cannot put my finger on what it is... just as I have this feeling that there is something transformational within my reach, but I can't discern what that is either... I sometimes wonder if others find themselves consciously in this place, or if my monkey mind is the only one to over think EVERY FUCKING THING, ALL THE TIME.  I swear to (insert deity of choice here), if I ever find the switch to turn my brain off, I will run straight toward it, and flip it off so hard I break the switch!  But until then, I suppose I will keep on ruminating, it helps to get this shit out and in front of me, I do know that, although sometimes I think that as soon as I purge these thoughts to type, it makes room for still more to flow in.

I joke about switching my brain off, but I don't really mean it.  I used to think that thinking was my curse (haha, that sounded much more serious in my head, before I typed it out), now I know it's just the way I operate, and I can either fight it or embrace it.  I have at least come far enough to know that the way I am is the way I am, and that the only thing I can do is appreciate who I am as opposed to dwelling on who or what I am not.  And let me tell you, it's a struggle every day, not to fight it. I just have to find ways to harness that energy in some productive form...I often feel as though I am an artist with no medium, like the creative energy in me is bubbling away, just waiting for a way to get out.  It's a seriously restless feeling... but it is also a feeling that inspires me to do things, when it can be channeled.  I suppose right now is my incubation period, when that energy is good and ready to manifest itself, things will materialize.  I just want to be there now!!! Patience, yeah it always comes back to patience, doesn't it. Damn it!

BFAM Love

So, my brother from another mother is getting married this weekend.  I am beyond thrilled for him... and for the last few days or weeks I have been completely sappy and sentimental.  We listened to a few of the songs on their wedding playlist this past weekend, and I am not gunna lie, I cried-through most of it.  Not sad tears, happy ones. Because if there is anyone in this whole world who deserves the kind of happiness, the kind of joy, the kind of pure love and contentment he has right now, it is him.  He is the definition of the better man, he is the best friend and best big brother anyone could ever imagine.

I am unsure when or how we became close like siblings... maybe because we suffer from only child syndrome... we are biologically pre-programmed to go out and find and collect tribe members.  Maybe it's timing, maybe it's because we are so alike in many ways and so crazy different in others...  All I know is, I have never had a friend like him, and I doubt I will find another sibling connection like it in my lifetime...

Lying in bed last night I started thinking about what he meant to me, what he has done for me, what he has taught me.  I tried to remember the first time we met, and well, for those of you who know me, I have a TERRIBLE memory! So, I could not pinpoint that first meeting in the fog that was my teen aged years.  I know it was about 15 years ago, and I know we had to have been at Bob Evans (where I waited tables) or Perkins (where he cooked and waited tables).  I can remember countless nights, hanging out at either place, collecting a gaggle of life time friends, smoking cigarettes and drinking gallon after gallon of shit coffee. Being made fun of non-stop for my love of punk and ska, and slowly being converted to metal and hardcore.  Yeah, those were the days.

The summer I was 17 I totaled my car.  I was terrified to drive for MONTHS.  No matter, my bfam drove me 15 miles to the shitty hole-in-the-wall truck stop I worked at, dropped me off, drove 15 miles home and then did it all over again when my shift was over.  And never complained  once, I don't remember if I ever thanked him for that...  When I finally got a new car it was exactly what I didn't want, a standard.  I remember going out with my dad to learn how to drive that clutch, I think I lasted about 2 minutes before I got frustrated and walked home.  The next day, my bfam took me out and taught me in half an hour.  Oh those hills, damn I hated them at first!  But we did end up having some pretty fun times in that Toyota Celica, for sure!

He was there to pick me up and put me back together every time some stupid boy shattered my heart into a million pieces.  Long since graduated, he suffered through my high school graduation, and two college graduations, bless his freaking heart!  He agreed to stand up in my wedding, and then stood by me when I had to make the decision to call it off.  When I thought things would NEVER get better again, he let me cry, he let me hurt, and then reminded me that it would.  He has long since had standards for me and the way I should let others treat me, that have taken me over a decade to apply for myself!  He is as loyal a friend as they come, even though it isn't a point system, it is.

He is the only friend I know who will drop everything and come to my aide if I need it that bad.  What's that? Blown clutch, of course I will come tow you.  You need an air conditioner put in, I will be right there.  Yes, I would love to go to this shitty concert with you, because I know you want to go.  His catch phrase is 'let's make it happen' and make it happen he does, on a daily basis.  Over the course of our friendship, there have been so many times he could have reveled in that 'I told ya so' spot, but he hasn't.  He has let me fall on my face, and then helped me dust myself off and start over, again, for the 400th time!  All with the patience of a saint.

Memories aside, there is something he has given me that I will never be able to quantify or explain...although I can try.  He has taught me the power of NEVER giving up.  He has shown me that NO MATTER what shit life flings at you, it's a choice in how you run with it.  You can sit around and wallow, or you can make something happen.  He has taught me that life ain't easy, but putting in the elbow grease pays off, every time... even if it isn't in the time frame my impatient brain wants!  His momma did a good job raising him- the manners, tenacity, and perseverance he has are a rare, rare combination these days FOR SURE.

In the past couple of years, I have had the distinct pleasure of watching him grow and transcend...I have witnessed countless light bulbs light up in his mind.  I have seen him transform from the guy he was to the man he is today.  I was there when his life path took a sharp, uncharted turn, and witnessed him find his way again... all with the kind of grace and dignity I can only hope to have someday.  He met the love of his life, and has built an amazing life with her.  I'd be remiss not to gush about her as well... When they first met, I was leery of her to say the least... I was convinced she was nothing more than another crazy bitch, and I was NOT gunna stand by and watch him get hurt again.  Much to my surprise, she was as persistent at making him happy as I was at trying to hate her.  And, let me tell ya, she makes it virtually impossible to hate her.

She is strong and independent, she takes shit from no one.  She is confident, sweet, beautiful and generous... and it didn't take long to realize she didn't have a crazy bitch bone in her body!  Eventually I was happy he had found someone to make him happy, I never thought such an amazing friendship would come out of this, but I am grateful for her every single day in more ways than you could imagine.  She's taught me how to have fun again, how to laugh at myself, she has given me confidence and has secured a secret, sappy spot in my heart, I lover her...

Together, the two of them have restored my hope that there is such thing as true love, so long as you don't stay so bitter that ya miss it. They are a happy, gracious, and humble couple, who sincerely deserve and appreciate what they have.  I have always been grateful for him, but I will be forever grateful for her, as she has brought that missing piece to his life's puzzle, as trite as it sounds, she really and truly completes him, and he her in every way.  I could go on for days, but I'll stop! By the time this wedding weekend is over I will have exceeded my sappy quota for life!

To my big brother from another mother, and his soon to be wife, I love you to bits, congratulations Boss!!!!! Drink up every single moment, I certainly raise my glass to you both :)

Ants in teh Pants

So for the past 6 months or so, I have been squirmy.  Like, I want to or need to do something, change something, rearrange, reorganize, reevaluate- something.  I have not had any particular inkling as to what it is I want to change... maybe my job... well, definately my job.  But maybe my living situation? Maybe the scenery?  I don't really know.  I have been feeling more than stagnant lately.  I have tried my normal fixes... rearranged my house, painted, left town, came back...

I think part of the issue is that one of my normal fixes for feeling squirmy and boxed in is to immediately change something in my life drastically... or to create some sort of chaos around me.  A couple of weekends ago, I had a conversation with someone about how normally, I attribute this feeling to being stagnant. I have this little voice in my head that says if I am not constantly making changes I am not improving... One of my worst fears is that I will go back to that hazy comfortable place and just be.  For some reason, if things have been coasting for even a moment, I convince myself that I must be slipping back into lazy, non-productive mode.  This is at once a horrible and fantastic place for me to be...

In the last ten years this same feeling has led me to-
Move to Yellow Springs
Drop out of college
Embark on a trip around the country
Quit every single job I have had at the time (not without another one lined up though, I am not that crazy-yet.)
Live in my car
Buy a house (probably the most ridiculous of decisions to date)
Move to Dayton
Finish school
Go to grad school
Drop out of grad school

Hmm, so yeah. Impressive huh?! No, I do not really think that list is impressive.  Ridiculous? Maybe.  And, no I do not think any of those decisions were particularly bad ones (except buying the house). I am merely looking at my decision making process (or lack of process!)- I think that maybe I need to figure out what in the fuck it is that gives me the squirmy feeling as opposed to just reacting.  I have made some silly and brash decisions while reacting, but I have also accomplished a hell of a lot whilst in this mental state...

Thankfully, in the last year or so I have come up with a bit more constructive way of dealing with feeling discontent- now, I cook.  My roommate always knows when something is on my mind- whether I am bothered or just thinking- when she comes home and can hear the music blaring from the street she knows that I am in the process of filling the fridge with whatever the hell ethnicity I am currently obsessed with.  She runs into the kitchen like a kid on Christmas, gigantic smile on her face, and before she squeals 'What are you making?' She always asks- is everything alright? Hahaha, my transparency is laughable.  I don't say it often, but I do have a pretty kick-ass roommate, even if she makes me feel old on a daily basis (love you, lady).  She could probably hold most of the credit for me NOT making any brash, ridiculous decisions in the last year, I guess that warrants some recognition, haha.

So, I don't know why I am feeling so discontent lately. Maybe it is the whole turning 30, what are you doing with yourself, where are you going thing.  Maybe it's the change of season... Maybe I think too much. Yeah, ok, I know I think too much-but that is no different now than it has been at any other time in my life.  What I drew from that conversation about stagnation is that- sometimes movement is not required. Sometimes it is necessary to marinate in the present so that what ever is cooking for the future can come to pass. And further, that 'moving up' is not always the good thing we think it to be.  While all of that makes sense, it also drives me INSANE!!! What the fuck am I supposed to do RIGHT NOW?! If I get up and do something, chances are this squirmy feeling will go away (at least for the moment).  That is what I have always done... oh, right.  Fine. Maybe I will try to be as patiently still as possible.

Hey Solly... I am guessing there will be food when you get home tomorrow :D

Tragically Hip

If you know me at all (or if you have read any number of my posts), it is fairly well established that I have an issue being vulnerable.  I am the first to admit (at least in less-committal-than-verbal writing form) that it is hard for me to break down the barriers I have built in order to let people in.  Even when I REALLY like the person, even when I REALLY wish I could let it all hang out and just invite them in to the inner workings of my brain and or my heart.  The result is a stand-offish girl that is, at times, impossible to read.  And I get that, trust me, with every single fiber of my being, I get that.  And I hate it, infinitely more than any single person who has ever frustratingly and painstakingly tried to themselves break down my barriers. 

My blog has been silent as of late because as opposed to rambling on about this lesson or that experiment, I have been doing what some might call actual field research.  Someone peaked my interest as of late.  Someone peaked my interest enough to allow me to just let things flow.  No minute by minute analysis, no need to second guess or wonder, just pure flow.  There were no conscious thoughts of this or that- I never told myself to let it happen organically, it just did.  And, for the brief time that happened, it was amazing.  I cannot remember the last time I just let go in the way I have in the last few months, I would go so far as to say that I was happy (No, not that I am unhappy all other times, more that I was happy in the way that one can be when connection with another human is happening, it is like some sort of temporary amnesia... like we forget what it is to go through the every day droning routine because in those moments everything seems to be electrified.  Like it is all new and shiny).  And, I liked it.

And then, as abruptly as it began, it stopped.  The reason matters little, it's where my brain has gone in the last few days- that is what I consider noteworthy.  My mind has been going a million miles an hour for a couple of days now.  It's exhausting.  It is tiring to at once punish myself for letting go and being vulnerable (however little I let go and however brief the time), while celebrating the fact that I did.  The oxymornonical symphony that plays in my head on a constant is laughable.  "Let go, let loose" and almost simultaneously "Stop this insanity, you are only going to hurt in the end"  For every moment I let go there were ten that I stood back.  The ratio was narrowing right when it all seemed to come crashing down, and normally that would send me back into my angry little cave, where I would cocoon into a torturous bout of self imposed criticism.  Normally, I would regret every word, every action, I would tell myself "See, this is what you get for being too this or too that".  Normally, I would hate myself for being so stand-offish while at the same time loathing every second that I had opened up.  I would want to call and take back anything I might have said to offend or scare off.  I would do whatever I could think of to try to feel better in this moment.

As much as I cringe to admit it, I am hurting. And as much as I want to say that it never mattered, it did.  But for some reason, this time, I am okay with the hurt.  I am happy that it mattered.  Sure, all that self judgment shit has danced across my mind half a gillion times in the last few days... but that is it.  That is all the power I have given it.  Whether or not anything more comes of the situation is not up to me, which is sort of freeing, and slightly nerve racking at the same time.  This is the highest point of vulnerability I have experienced in a long time.  It makes me squirm.  And I fucking hate it.  I am literally in that spot where what will be, will be. It is the ultimate no control spot, I have no influence in the situation at the moment what so ever.  Ugh, what an icky feeling.  A year ago, I would be saying fuck it at this very moment.  No person or situation can make you vulnerable if you choose not to give a fuck- but as wise people have pointed out to me, not giving a fuck is not the answer.  It's a cop out.  And as much as I ache for those moments of free flow, of bright, shiny and new, not every moment can be that way, not every interaction can be amazing.  As much as the fuck it side of my brain would have me believe otherwise, feeling uncomfortable is good sometimes.  Squirming usually indicates growth, and being in this vulnerable spot WILL NOT kill me.

I am the girl who has the eternal what if loop in her brain.  I am the girl who will figure out a way to make a good thing seem shitty.  I am the girl who sets the bar for herself miles and miles out of my own reach; and when I do not reach it, I punish myself... I second guess, over think, and underestimate me on a regular basis.  Interestingly enough, I am the only one I allow to do this- let someone else second guess me.  Let someone else underestimate me, I will set a course to prove them wrong immediately, and I won't stop until the mission is accomplished.  How dangerous I would be if only I were to set out to prove that loop track in my head wrong.  All I do know in this moment is that no matter what, life will keep going, whether I hurt my way through to the other side, or things take an unforeseen turn, whether I torture myself with what ifs or attempt to appreciate this exact moment, life will indeed keep moving... it may have been sweeter for a moment, and it may be sweeter yet in the future but how would we recognize the sweet if there weren't some bitter, salty, and spicy moments to differentiate?