Jameson 12 Year

So, generally I am not a fan of what comes with girl friendships- things like drama, deceit, arguments over nothing, caddy-ness, etc.  That being said, I do have a hand full of super amazing women in my life.  Some, I see and talk to on a regular basis, some not so regularly due to the time and distance constraints of life; but somehow I remain connected to said few.  I love them all for different reasons- all of them teach me things about myself, many of them hold me accountable, love me when I am incapable of loving myself, and truly embody what I think true friendship is. Over the past couple of years, all of these women have been instrumental in helping me to work through much of what I write about on this blog, they know the details behind the posts, and- they love me in spite of my plentiful shortcomings and fuck-ups.  They are a part of my journey of self discovery on an intensely deep level in their respective ways, they are the chicks in my soul tribe; and hopefully, I am some sort of similar support to them.

That being said... about a year and a half ago, I did a tandem post with fellow blogger Grateful Mamma entitled Jameson Items.  The post was our attempt to commit to type a set of guidelines for what we should remember in looking for a partner.  At the time of the post, we were both newly single and trying our damndest to do something different in that area of our lives.  I will say, in the last year and a half I have referred back to that list countless times.  But, for honesty's sake, I will also admit to ignoring it at times as well... I would venture to guess she would admit the same, and while some of the other girls in my life may not have a list committed to a public forum, I think most of us have one floating around in the back corners of our brains.  In general, it is not fleshed out into words, but a general sense of what we want and how we want to be treated.  The catch is that I think at various times in our lives we often ignore it for whatever shiny bright new boy (or girl) is in front of us.

As of late, this whole idea has surfaced in conversations with MANY of these said women.  Some are going through break-ups, others are in happily committed relationships, and others are in relationships where the list has long since been tossed out the window.  The conversations I have had in the last week continue to swing back to the same theme... Why do we do what we do? How is it that we can be completely confident and secure with what we want and what that will look and feel like, and then we start the slow process of whittling away that confidence until we are left with a shadow of what was there before?  And how do we know when we have what we want VS when we are amending what we want for what is in front of us?  I know many of you have been there before... maybe some of you are there now... maybe your reading this convincing yourself that you have never compromised...

Well, while I am not there in this present moment, I've been there, and for some reason, it seems like a lot of my girls are there right now.  And it wrenches my gut with empathy... I hate that space, we all hate that space where it finally dawns on us that maybe, just maybe, we have been compromising ourselves, some of us for a really long time.  And that point of realization FUCKING SUCKS, because with that one realization comes a ripple effect of others... what you thought you had is not really what you originally wanted, but what if what you wanted is not real... what if what you thought you wanted is unattainable...or is what you have good enough, or is it settling... how do you know if it's a forever thing... how do you keep going or how do you end it?  OR how do you keep going if the other ends it? 

These are all real thoughts that have at one time or another crossed my mind...and I know have crossed some of your minds too...And, while some may take me for a bitter, spiteful bitch...I am gunna reveal a big secret, (which most of you already know) at the heart of it, underneath my shield of brashness, I am a gigantic fucking softy, a hopeless romantic, and perhaps most shockingly, an eternal optimist... Plus, lets be honest, I have trial and erred my way through a lot of these scenarios in the last decade...

So, for what it's worth... after a year and a half, I would like to propose one little addendum to the Jameson Items list...

Before anything on that list can be obtained in another person, you HAVE TO get those things for yourself!  If there are things about yourself that you want to work on- DO IT!!!  Take what you have learned (or maybe past lessons you have ignored) and flesh that shit out! Now, don't go thinking I am high and mightily pointing a finger, because there are 10 pointed back at me, I know.  I struggle with this shit all the time, but I have had countless conversations over the past few weeks with many of my girls, and I can safely say that we could ALL stand to hear this now and again, myself included.  What I have come to realize is that the Jameson Items list is a reminder to me of who I need to be... that partnership thing is COMPLETELY secondary.  There is no shopping for a partner, there is taking care of my shit so that there is a clear and open path for whatever to happen ORGANICALLY.  The more I learn about myself, the more mental clutter I clear our of my mind, the more apt I am to make the kind of connections I am seeking...and it is all about the HUMAN connection... let that flow; label and categorize later!

I just want to say, I fucking love every last one of you.  I love you for your strengths, I love you for your weaknesses (real or perceived), I love you for your victories and I love you for your failures, because we all have them.  To those of you in happy, healthy relationships... thank you. You guys are the ones who keep my inner romantic alive and preaching to the rest of us, you show us that it is possible to find what we are looking for, whatever that may be for each of us. To those of you currently 'stuck' in some sort of cyclical deal with a significant other, aware of it, but confused and frustrated, and unable to make a change at the present moment- It's alright.  Keep working toward it. Keep talking about, keep building the strength to do what you need to do for you, so long as you put the foot work into yourself, things will work out in whatever way they are supposed to.  (Feel free to take a number and punch me later, it's okay, I can take it ;)