Holy shit. I just read THIS and every single bit of it blew my mind. Ever stumble across the right thing at exactly the right time?!
For the last week, I have been piecing together my next move and as if my other posts haven't spelled it out...it has been incredibly scary and draining. Being torn as to whether I should stay or go... having to take a long hard look at where I am in my life thus far and judging myself so hard on all the shit I have not accomplished. Wondering if I will ever accomplish anything that is anything at all. It has made my head swim, made me feel totally and completely insecure and inadequate and enveloped me in a thick blanket of self doubt. And goddamn did that piece put into perspective why it is such a struggle.
That first bit about not having found my life niche- that shit has bothered me forever... it seems as though every single fucker I know has some undeniable talent, gift, or passion for something... and I enjoy many parts of that in others... I wrote about this all the way back in 2011 in a post called OPP. Here I am 3 1/2 years later, amidst practically the same struggle... that is where I have my head has been... and then I read this-
"It is in these seemingly unlivable opposites that we are most ourselves.
This is where we question the world around us and the world within us,
and it is only when we question everything that we start to know
anything. Our questions are what shape us. Where our wonder lingers is
where our heart lies."
Sometimes. I forget that I am where I am because of the principles I have for myself, and my present situation is no exception. What I have been struggling with is whether or not I have the energy to fight for what I believe to be right or if I am ready to fold and run. The fact that I am wondering if I have the energy to (essentially) stick up fop myself is laughable. Just because my ego got bruised, does not all mean that I am broken, and I will be goddamned if I go out without a fight. I have worked far too hard to just roll over and submit. That is not how I roll, never has been, never will be... even if I got the wind sucker punched out of my sails for a minute. Of course, that does not mean I know how this will end (and fuck man, I am a great lover of limbo, really). Maybe I will stay, maybe I will go, but either way, I will play this hand all the way through. As she so beautifully puts it-
"This process is slow going, and quite probably never ending. It is imperfect, far from foolproof, and there are no shortcuts."
Maybe we all need that reminder once in a while- I need to take a step back and give myself some mother-fucking-grace. Even if I am uncomnfortable because my core seems to be in juxtopostion at the moment, I need to remember that this is where the real work is done... in the end, it ain't about a paycheck, it's about self... and if I can't be true to me, what the hell is the point?
Fuck, I needed that.
