In conversation yesterday, it was suggested to me that I need some direction in my life. I wanted to be offended. I wanted to stand up and yell 'fuck off'. I wanted to be angry. Instead, I was frustrated. I tried to find an witty response, but the only thing I could come up with was 'you are right, I know.' So, in my natural way of doing things, I mulled over it all day, all night too. I am still mulling as I type. And, not surprisingly, I have come up with very few conclusions... All I can think is that for me, life direction, life paths, whatever you want to call it, they boil down to one very simple concept- passion.
I have thus far lived out my adult life based on the principal of being passionate- if you are passionate about whatever it is that you are doing, then you will love it and in turn do it well...right? Problem is, thus far in life I have not discovered anything I am particularly passionate about... Sure, I have had the privilege of witnessing other people's passions- I have friends who are passionate about their respective art forms... friends who are passionate for some type of social justice... friends who are passionate about raising their children... but I cannot say that I have any of those passions burning within me.
Sure, I am passionate for O.P.P. (other people's passions)... I have been a life long supporter of local music because 90% of my friends are musicians. The same goes for art in any form- I have friends who are amazing writers, painters, potters, sculptors, etc. I could go on, but you get the point... In school I swung from one interest to the next as far as learning went... the world's religions, psychology, art, history and on and on. I do think any were really a passion, more like a flavor of the week. This probably goes a long way to explaining why I had SO many credits when I finally graduated!
I know, get to the point, right? Well, yesterday I also happened to have a conversation with a friend about her plans for her future. I must admit, I was a bit surprised at the plan (although, at least she has a plan... that's a hell of a lot more than I have at the moment ;) Anyway, she was telling me about her five year plan, and, because it had been stuck in my mind yesterday, I could not help but ask if she was passionate about what she was proposing to go to school for and make a career out of. Her answer was that no, she had no discernible passion for the field she was choosing, but that the field in which she does have a passion offers little opportunity for employment, much less making a good living or having any stability. I berrated the poor girl with a thousand what if's and why not's, and she politely entertained my questions, although I am sure she was annoyed. Who wouldn't be annoyed after finally coming up with a plan and direction for her life only to have it picked apart and questioned, right?
I have had a great many friends do exactly what she is planning to do... go into a career path that may not be of much interest to them, but it is stable and there is the potential to make good money and have a good life. Very few of them are living a passionless life... they pursue their passions outside the work week. But you know me, I want my cake AND I want to fucking eat it! Why is that such a ridiculous concept? Why should I have to reserve the cake for evenings and weekends? Why is it so ludicrous to want to have the pleasure of eating the cake everyday all day... OK, it sounds glutinous, but I really believe that it is a possibility. Trouble is, I have not yet found my cake. Some days I think I am searching too hard for it... like it's a snake about to bite me if only I could see past the end of my broken nose... and then, some days, like yesterday... I feel as though I may not be putting forth enough effort...
I personally consider those who have found their life's passion to be SO LUCKY! I envy every one of my friends who picked up an instrument or a paintbrush or a microphone when they were young and realized that doing that thing (whatever it was for each of them) completed them. Or those who found this one subject in school to be totally and completely fulfilling such that they wanted to study that for the rest of their lives... Those who went to school and said I want to be a (fill in the blank) and then directed their lives toward pursuing and meeting that goal.
I do not know that my goal of 'I want to be a better human' fits into those criteria... What exactly does being a better human mean you ask? I cannot answer, and that my friends is a problem. There is no room in this world for yet another wanderer... I need a plan, but from where I stand at this moment a plan looks like lop-sided compromise... like the only way to have a plan is to give up some of the stalwart ideas I have about life... like finding a career path that I may or may not like and committing to it-in the interest of money and stability-forever. GOD I hate that word, forever. I am standing at the exact same crossroads I stood a year ago... Do I go back and finish school? I do not have any particular interest in going back, but then again I have no other immediate back up... Is $550 a credit hour worth it for 'something to occupy my mind'? Maybe I should just take on another job- what else am I going to do?! I have a monkey mind and all this free time is driving me crazy!
Do I pursue a passion? How does that work exactly if one has no discernible passion? I don't feel like passion is something you can necessarily seek out... I think that it is one of those things that has to happen organically... I also think it a bit weird that I have nearly made it to thirty without a passion... have I allowed my passions to pass me by? Am I that blind?! Or, perhaps it's just that I place to much emphasis on passion in general. So many people I know say- just find a good job and stick to it... all this fence sitting is making me restless. Some days, I want to go into the basement of my brain and flip the breaker switch! STOP THINKING SO MUCH you weirdo!! But, I can't. So I guess the next best thing is to write it all out on here... get it out in front of me and then come back to it later... maybe then I will get some clarity. I guess until that clarity comes I will just keep my eyes open for my cake... Oh look! A shiny!
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Where is my Mind?
Every now and again I go through my back posts and re-read them. I thought this blog would be a great way to capture the ah-ha moments that I have and then in turn, be able to go back and reference them... which is exactly what I do when I go back through past posts... and it's funny, every time I read them I glean something else... perhaps because my lens and perspective is constantly shifting, or maybe because different things relate to different life situations at different times. Anyway, for the past couple of days I have been experiencing this weird, sort of intense sadness. For the life of me I cannot figure out why... everything is as hunky dory as it could be in my life, at least on the surface.
Now, don't go running away just yet... this is not some sappy, sad, I am in a deep dark place, post. I am more experiencing an emotion I generally block... because this feeling is not anyone's fave. To me, the best way to describe feeling sad is to picture someone walking around with an invisible rain cloud over their head... You can't see it and most often, neither can they- and it is sunny and hot as hell out so it is difficult for anyone to ascertain. But it is there... I am not talking about depression, I am talking about sudden and un-explained sadness- it doesn't last forever, it is just uncomfortable at the time. I have heard this feeling is often the precursor to some sort of growth... it shifts you out of your comfort zone just enough so that you will get up off your ass, make an awareness and change something. And I believe that.
In the last few months I have been faced with some difficult decisions... decisions I have tried my damnedest to avoid making... the kind of decisions that involve other people's feelings. Believe it or not, I care about most human's feelings... more than I should. More than my own, which is something I have touched on before- it often gets me in trouble with myself. But now, now I am getting to the point where caring for other people's feelings is starting to impede on my own. 'I don't want to hurt her feelings.' or 'he's not a bad person, I don't want to be mean to him'. What I have failed to do in those statements is remove the judgment. In taking care of my own feelings I am not purposefully hurting someone else, although, in my mind it sometimes feels that way...
It sometimes feels as though there is no way to gracefully bow out of an uncomfortable situation. And, while this may be a bit short sighted in awareness, most of the time I am not the one who makes the situation uncomfortable. Sure, I can not take the situation personally but, and here is the hardcore truth... but sometimes it just feels unfair to be stuck in the middle of so many fucking weird situations. No, I do not want to be your third point in this weird triangulation you have going on here- been there, done that, too many times. I know that I am the problem and solution here... I am the common denominator in all of these fucked up situations, so I have no one to blame but myself, but what I struggle with is- how does this happen?
I know this shit is not happening to me, but for me. There are valuable goldmines worth of lessons in these situations, but I sometimes have a hard time separating what is and isn't mine... What responsibility do I hold? Well, I suppose for starters- I hold responsibility for myself, my actions, words and innuendos. At some point I gave the impression that I am willing to be dragged through other people's problems (and I am not talking about listening to a friend who is going through a tough time, what I am referring to here are much more random situations, to people whom I have little to no connection with). At some point people figured out (maybe not consciously) that I would listen, even if listening meant that it would affect me in some way. At some point I gave away my power. The silly part is- at ANY point, I could take that power back. I can own my power whenever I want... I just have to get over the judgment shit I have about that...
This first came to my attention in a profound way a couple of years ago, when a 'friend' shared something with me that was in no way appropriate for her to share with me. At the time, I thought she had shared it because she had no other option, I thought she shared it because she wanted help, now I know there were plenty of options, for both her and me. I agonized over the information for a long, long time. I continually asked myself 'what the fuck am I supposed to do with this?' What I know now it that I owned something that was not mine in that moment. One very brief conversation changed a lot of things. That conversation began the demise of a friendship that was at that point over a decade in the making. And to this day, I am still not good with it or the way I handled myself in it. Since then there have been similar conversations, not in content, but context, where I could either choose to own my power and get out of a situation that was not mine to begin with, or I could choose to try desperately to help the other person while ripping my conscience to bits... and for the most part, I have continued to choose the latter.
But not now. Now, this awareness is far too glaring. It is blinding me... my sadness is not un-explainable... it can be traced to a point where I gave my power away for fear of coming across as rude, crass, mean, or uncaring. It's weird how in certain situations, no matter what you do, people will think what they will about you. And I am coming to the point where I do not care- not that I do not care about what anyone thinks, but that I do not care about what certain people think. I am the one who has to live in my mind. I am the one who has to sleep at night. And I do not owe explanations to those who dragged me into the situation to begin with...nor should I feel guilty for doing what I should have done in the first place-take care of myself.
It may sound as though I am bitter, or blaming. But I am neither. If anything, I am grateful to finally put words to this shit! I have struggled with this stuff for a long time. I can remember scolding myself after that friendship dissolved...'what is the lesson here?' I always had an idea of what my part was, but I could never figure out the lesson in my part. And I feel as though I finally have- I choose to allow myself to participate in such situations. That is why it seems as though I always find myself in the middle of them... When describing my current conundrum to a few friends one said 'run straight away from this, you stand to gain nothing and lose a lot', another was angry at the situation and told me to ignore it, but what made the most sense was the friend who reminded me to own my power.
I'm still not sure why other people, perfect strangers sometimes, feel the need to come to me with their shit... but at least I am beginning to get a bit more sure-footed in my response- I can sympathize, even empathize with the situations, but in the end- that is your stuff buddy- and you are going to have to figure out how to deal with it, just like the rest of us are trying to figure our own stuff out. The biggest gift in this entire situation is that I do have real and genuine friends who love me enough to listen and give me sound advice when I find myself in the midst of yet another 'pickle', and they have the patience to continue loving me while I figure my own stuff out. There is no doubt some of them ask the same question of me as I do myself- Where is my mind? Well, I do not always have the answer for that, but today my mind is right here with me... And I hear you all, I get what you are saying, it's just that, as you all are well aware by now, sometimes it takes a bit for my mind to catch up ;)
Now, don't go running away just yet... this is not some sappy, sad, I am in a deep dark place, post. I am more experiencing an emotion I generally block... because this feeling is not anyone's fave. To me, the best way to describe feeling sad is to picture someone walking around with an invisible rain cloud over their head... You can't see it and most often, neither can they- and it is sunny and hot as hell out so it is difficult for anyone to ascertain. But it is there... I am not talking about depression, I am talking about sudden and un-explained sadness- it doesn't last forever, it is just uncomfortable at the time. I have heard this feeling is often the precursor to some sort of growth... it shifts you out of your comfort zone just enough so that you will get up off your ass, make an awareness and change something. And I believe that.
In the last few months I have been faced with some difficult decisions... decisions I have tried my damnedest to avoid making... the kind of decisions that involve other people's feelings. Believe it or not, I care about most human's feelings... more than I should. More than my own, which is something I have touched on before- it often gets me in trouble with myself. But now, now I am getting to the point where caring for other people's feelings is starting to impede on my own. 'I don't want to hurt her feelings.' or 'he's not a bad person, I don't want to be mean to him'. What I have failed to do in those statements is remove the judgment. In taking care of my own feelings I am not purposefully hurting someone else, although, in my mind it sometimes feels that way...
It sometimes feels as though there is no way to gracefully bow out of an uncomfortable situation. And, while this may be a bit short sighted in awareness, most of the time I am not the one who makes the situation uncomfortable. Sure, I can not take the situation personally but, and here is the hardcore truth... but sometimes it just feels unfair to be stuck in the middle of so many fucking weird situations. No, I do not want to be your third point in this weird triangulation you have going on here- been there, done that, too many times. I know that I am the problem and solution here... I am the common denominator in all of these fucked up situations, so I have no one to blame but myself, but what I struggle with is- how does this happen?
I know this shit is not happening to me, but for me. There are valuable goldmines worth of lessons in these situations, but I sometimes have a hard time separating what is and isn't mine... What responsibility do I hold? Well, I suppose for starters- I hold responsibility for myself, my actions, words and innuendos. At some point I gave the impression that I am willing to be dragged through other people's problems (and I am not talking about listening to a friend who is going through a tough time, what I am referring to here are much more random situations, to people whom I have little to no connection with). At some point people figured out (maybe not consciously) that I would listen, even if listening meant that it would affect me in some way. At some point I gave away my power. The silly part is- at ANY point, I could take that power back. I can own my power whenever I want... I just have to get over the judgment shit I have about that...
This first came to my attention in a profound way a couple of years ago, when a 'friend' shared something with me that was in no way appropriate for her to share with me. At the time, I thought she had shared it because she had no other option, I thought she shared it because she wanted help, now I know there were plenty of options, for both her and me. I agonized over the information for a long, long time. I continually asked myself 'what the fuck am I supposed to do with this?' What I know now it that I owned something that was not mine in that moment. One very brief conversation changed a lot of things. That conversation began the demise of a friendship that was at that point over a decade in the making. And to this day, I am still not good with it or the way I handled myself in it. Since then there have been similar conversations, not in content, but context, where I could either choose to own my power and get out of a situation that was not mine to begin with, or I could choose to try desperately to help the other person while ripping my conscience to bits... and for the most part, I have continued to choose the latter.
But not now. Now, this awareness is far too glaring. It is blinding me... my sadness is not un-explainable... it can be traced to a point where I gave my power away for fear of coming across as rude, crass, mean, or uncaring. It's weird how in certain situations, no matter what you do, people will think what they will about you. And I am coming to the point where I do not care- not that I do not care about what anyone thinks, but that I do not care about what certain people think. I am the one who has to live in my mind. I am the one who has to sleep at night. And I do not owe explanations to those who dragged me into the situation to begin with...nor should I feel guilty for doing what I should have done in the first place-take care of myself.
It may sound as though I am bitter, or blaming. But I am neither. If anything, I am grateful to finally put words to this shit! I have struggled with this stuff for a long time. I can remember scolding myself after that friendship dissolved...'what is the lesson here?' I always had an idea of what my part was, but I could never figure out the lesson in my part. And I feel as though I finally have- I choose to allow myself to participate in such situations. That is why it seems as though I always find myself in the middle of them... When describing my current conundrum to a few friends one said 'run straight away from this, you stand to gain nothing and lose a lot', another was angry at the situation and told me to ignore it, but what made the most sense was the friend who reminded me to own my power.
I'm still not sure why other people, perfect strangers sometimes, feel the need to come to me with their shit... but at least I am beginning to get a bit more sure-footed in my response- I can sympathize, even empathize with the situations, but in the end- that is your stuff buddy- and you are going to have to figure out how to deal with it, just like the rest of us are trying to figure our own stuff out. The biggest gift in this entire situation is that I do have real and genuine friends who love me enough to listen and give me sound advice when I find myself in the midst of yet another 'pickle', and they have the patience to continue loving me while I figure my own stuff out. There is no doubt some of them ask the same question of me as I do myself- Where is my mind? Well, I do not always have the answer for that, but today my mind is right here with me... And I hear you all, I get what you are saying, it's just that, as you all are well aware by now, sometimes it takes a bit for my mind to catch up ;)
Monday, July 18, 2011
Swandive
Feeling the growing pains. It's not as if the pains are tremendously unbearable, but they are for sure uncomfortable. I want to stir my pot so that the pains will go away... even though stirring this stew prematurely could most likely result in ruining it... but I am so impatient. I want things to happen now... It's as if I am discontent if things are not proceeding in my life at a break-neck pace. Someone told me recently that it seems as though I have a hard time just sitting... just being. Unfortunately, I have to say they are correct. I have no idea how to just relax...
I am up by 6 or 6:30 every morning... I am at my desk by 7, 7:30... and for no reason- the only other person in my office doesn't arrive until at least 10, sometimes 11. Even on my days off- I have a tough time staying in bed past 7 most days. I purposely jam 72 things into a day that could comfortably support 50. I should say that it is not as if I am entirely running from something, I spend a majority of my waking hours by myself, and I am good with that, I am good with me... I'm just a busy body- like if I stop for a moment, I may lose my momentum and really just stop... I know that isn't really true, but it is a part of the story I tell myself, the story I construct to motivate myself.
A little motivation is good for me, for everyone I think... but, like all things in life- balance is key, and if there is one solitary thing that I suck at in general it is balance... I am beginning to realize that my inherent need to go, go, go is part of the inner workings of my wonderwall. Even if I say I am ok with me, the rapid pace of flitting from one task to another enables me to continue not being vulnerable... because I never give one person or situation enough time to 'get to me'... at least not in the moment... Oh sure, I am vulnerable in the privacy of my own mind... I allow myself to 'go there' when I am thinking about certain situations, but rarely, if ever do I allow the time in real life interactions for that.
Of course this blog is vulnerability to me- it is a small step- typing these thoughts out so that there is a possibility that others will see it... I know it is no substitute for vulnerability in human interaction, but it is a step, like dangling my toes in the pool to test the water. And since I started this blog I can say that there have been more moments of vulnerability in my real life (ok, not a lot, but some). And let me tell you, those few moments where I have allowed myself to be exposed to someone else have been REALLY SCARY. I have begun to notice how I wonder about other people's intentions... why are they saying this? What is this person's motivation? Where are they coming from? It's a little silly I am sure, for people who may not have this problem... I have lived my life as if it were a game of chess for so long that I do not know what it is like not to play.
I am very afraid that taking this wall down will leave me exposed and defenseless. But then I think- what could be the worst thing about that- really? I do not have an answer for that... taking the wall down doesn't mean I have to melt into a puddle of uncontrolled emotion- all it means is that I can more fully experience the range of human interaction... and what is so bad about that? Nothing I guess, but I am having issues with letting people in to help and it is very difficult to dismantle this wall alone... The first order of business has got to be allowing myself to recruit a crew to help me... It's not that tough, there are people all around me who love me and want to help me- I know that. The problem is bridging the gap between their willingness to help and my willingness to accept that help...
I am the girl people call when they need someone to listen. I am the girl people call when they want to hear some truth. I am not the girl who calls so others will listen, or asks for help... maybe in a select number of situations...I am not a sealed shut envelope, but for things that are deep, the really tough stuff... I sit and struggle alone. Not because my friends would not help, but more because I would rather marinate in this stew alone than request any support...and I preach it like I know it to others...reach out, ask for help, let me know what I can do for you... all the while knowing I would not do the same. And that makes me disingenuous, which is why it is no longer acceptable to talk the talk to others without walking it in my own life.
I have begun to dip more than my toes into this pool, I would say I have maybe gotten up to mid-calf and even mid-thigh a few times... and the water is SHOCKINGLY cold! But, in those few instances where I did let my guard down- even if ever so briefly- it has turned out far better than I imagined. I guess I just expected that person to do what I would do when I feel like I am on the verge of falling into the pool completely- RUN! Run fast, the opposite direction, not looking back at all. But they didn't, instead, they embraced it, which gave me the courage to continue. So thank you for taking my worldview and flipping it upside down so that I can look at my shit with a new and different perspective...and more importantly, thank you for proving me wrong.
Knowing how thick my own wall is, I would assume it takes a great deal of balls to stand at that keyhole opening and shout truths into me like- it has never been about me not being able to let people in or let myself out, its that I refuse to be vulnerable... And so here I am, being that girl who is vulnerable- feeling slightly out of my mind to write all this out in such a revealing way and trying desperately to find a reason not to post this... but for once in my life I will take the advice of someone else... the advice I have given to countless others and just lay it out, where I go from here, I have know idea, but I feel as though this is me climbing the ladder to the high dive, knowing that I can no longer dangle my feet safely on the edge of the pool...
" 'cuz they can call me crazy if I fail, all the chance that I need is one-in-a-million, and they can call me brilliant if I succeed, gravity is nothing to me, moving at the speed of sound, I'm just going to get my feet wet until I drown" Thanks Ani, you always know how to say just what I am thinking.
I am up by 6 or 6:30 every morning... I am at my desk by 7, 7:30... and for no reason- the only other person in my office doesn't arrive until at least 10, sometimes 11. Even on my days off- I have a tough time staying in bed past 7 most days. I purposely jam 72 things into a day that could comfortably support 50. I should say that it is not as if I am entirely running from something, I spend a majority of my waking hours by myself, and I am good with that, I am good with me... I'm just a busy body- like if I stop for a moment, I may lose my momentum and really just stop... I know that isn't really true, but it is a part of the story I tell myself, the story I construct to motivate myself.
A little motivation is good for me, for everyone I think... but, like all things in life- balance is key, and if there is one solitary thing that I suck at in general it is balance... I am beginning to realize that my inherent need to go, go, go is part of the inner workings of my wonderwall. Even if I say I am ok with me, the rapid pace of flitting from one task to another enables me to continue not being vulnerable... because I never give one person or situation enough time to 'get to me'... at least not in the moment... Oh sure, I am vulnerable in the privacy of my own mind... I allow myself to 'go there' when I am thinking about certain situations, but rarely, if ever do I allow the time in real life interactions for that.
Of course this blog is vulnerability to me- it is a small step- typing these thoughts out so that there is a possibility that others will see it... I know it is no substitute for vulnerability in human interaction, but it is a step, like dangling my toes in the pool to test the water. And since I started this blog I can say that there have been more moments of vulnerability in my real life (ok, not a lot, but some). And let me tell you, those few moments where I have allowed myself to be exposed to someone else have been REALLY SCARY. I have begun to notice how I wonder about other people's intentions... why are they saying this? What is this person's motivation? Where are they coming from? It's a little silly I am sure, for people who may not have this problem... I have lived my life as if it were a game of chess for so long that I do not know what it is like not to play.
I am very afraid that taking this wall down will leave me exposed and defenseless. But then I think- what could be the worst thing about that- really? I do not have an answer for that... taking the wall down doesn't mean I have to melt into a puddle of uncontrolled emotion- all it means is that I can more fully experience the range of human interaction... and what is so bad about that? Nothing I guess, but I am having issues with letting people in to help and it is very difficult to dismantle this wall alone... The first order of business has got to be allowing myself to recruit a crew to help me... It's not that tough, there are people all around me who love me and want to help me- I know that. The problem is bridging the gap between their willingness to help and my willingness to accept that help...
I am the girl people call when they need someone to listen. I am the girl people call when they want to hear some truth. I am not the girl who calls so others will listen, or asks for help... maybe in a select number of situations...I am not a sealed shut envelope, but for things that are deep, the really tough stuff... I sit and struggle alone. Not because my friends would not help, but more because I would rather marinate in this stew alone than request any support...and I preach it like I know it to others...reach out, ask for help, let me know what I can do for you... all the while knowing I would not do the same. And that makes me disingenuous, which is why it is no longer acceptable to talk the talk to others without walking it in my own life.
I have begun to dip more than my toes into this pool, I would say I have maybe gotten up to mid-calf and even mid-thigh a few times... and the water is SHOCKINGLY cold! But, in those few instances where I did let my guard down- even if ever so briefly- it has turned out far better than I imagined. I guess I just expected that person to do what I would do when I feel like I am on the verge of falling into the pool completely- RUN! Run fast, the opposite direction, not looking back at all. But they didn't, instead, they embraced it, which gave me the courage to continue. So thank you for taking my worldview and flipping it upside down so that I can look at my shit with a new and different perspective...and more importantly, thank you for proving me wrong.
Knowing how thick my own wall is, I would assume it takes a great deal of balls to stand at that keyhole opening and shout truths into me like- it has never been about me not being able to let people in or let myself out, its that I refuse to be vulnerable... And so here I am, being that girl who is vulnerable- feeling slightly out of my mind to write all this out in such a revealing way and trying desperately to find a reason not to post this... but for once in my life I will take the advice of someone else... the advice I have given to countless others and just lay it out, where I go from here, I have know idea, but I feel as though this is me climbing the ladder to the high dive, knowing that I can no longer dangle my feet safely on the edge of the pool...
" 'cuz they can call me crazy if I fail, all the chance that I need is one-in-a-million, and they can call me brilliant if I succeed, gravity is nothing to me, moving at the speed of sound, I'm just going to get my feet wet until I drown" Thanks Ani, you always know how to say just what I am thinking.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Silver Lining
I feel as though I have lived most of my life by the mantra of 'doing the next right thing'. Whatever that next right thing may be. This weekend, two friends were robbed at gunpoint and then pistol whipped. This is as scary as it is close to home on so many levels...
They were walking back to their car- on a street I most often park when I am in that neighborhood, and a man attacked them both. He pistol whipped them, robbed them, shot his gun in the air, held it to my friend's head and told her she was going to die. As if all of this isn't tragic enough... like wholly impossible to make sense of... when the man finally let them go (thankfully without killing them) and they ran for help NO ONE was readily willing to step up and help them. I cannot say whether I am more outraged or saddened or sickened by this. Finally, they did get help and are now being surrounded by love from friends and family.
The fact that they were mugged in such a violent way has got me wondering... why? What possesses someone to lose all sense of reality and attack people for what probably amounted to a few bucks and a couple of cell phones that were rendered useless hours later. I personally believe that humans are naturally good and non-violent beings unless otherwise provoked or forced to act out in violence. I get that the economy is bad, that people are down on their luck, out of work, hungry, angry, depressed and on and on, but what I do not get is when or how that switches to violence... I work in the prison system, with both violent and non-violent criminals regularly, and yet I still cannot wrap my head around why such violence exists in this world...
The other half of this story is equally disturbing and perplexing to me... WHO IN THE HELL sees two people who are bleeding and obviously shaken and doesn't IMMEDIATELY come to their aid?!!! Is our world so riddled with apathy that people can see someone hurt and not only do nothing, but have the gull to shoo them away? This makes both my stomach and heart ache simultaneously. While I am happy to see that their requests for help have been overwhelmingly paid attention to within their group of friends from facebook, but at the same time I am saddened that the response is so great over the internet and so completely lacking in the real life moment when they needed help.
It breaks my heart for something so terrible to happen to such awesome people... and while this may be a chance to lose faith in our human race, I say that this is a chance to open our eyes to something wider. We, each of us in our own lives, need to be making a conscious effort to live present and aware lives... that means, be present when you are walking down the street, be present when you meet someone new... treat all human lives with dignity and respect, you never know the last time someone was paid a complement or received praise. Be aware of what you say and do and how. Is someone close to you hurting ? Reach out. We can only get through this life with the assistance of others, so lets choose our circles wisely....take stock in your groups... how many of them would have dropped everything to help total strangers who are in distress on the street. And, if your answer is not most or all, I suggest you rethink who you spend your time with.
As for me, I can definitively say that most, if not all of my friends would jump right in and help out whenever, wherever, friend or stranger, and that is something to take into account, I have seen this first hand. Those people who wouldn't help on Saturday night, they are someone's friends, they need to be shown the proper way to treat other human beings, especially those in distress begging for help. So, there may be some crappy people out there, but I believe they are the minority for the most part. It is unfortunate that the two of them had to go through the original trauma, but it is comforting to see so many people pull together for them. That, in fact reloads my human race faith card... what we can accomplish when we rally together to help as opposed to hate is immeasurable... something none of us should ever forget. I do hope they catch that angry man who did this, but at least they can take some solace from the justice of love and friendship. Thanks for being such amazing people.
They were walking back to their car- on a street I most often park when I am in that neighborhood, and a man attacked them both. He pistol whipped them, robbed them, shot his gun in the air, held it to my friend's head and told her she was going to die. As if all of this isn't tragic enough... like wholly impossible to make sense of... when the man finally let them go (thankfully without killing them) and they ran for help NO ONE was readily willing to step up and help them. I cannot say whether I am more outraged or saddened or sickened by this. Finally, they did get help and are now being surrounded by love from friends and family.
The fact that they were mugged in such a violent way has got me wondering... why? What possesses someone to lose all sense of reality and attack people for what probably amounted to a few bucks and a couple of cell phones that were rendered useless hours later. I personally believe that humans are naturally good and non-violent beings unless otherwise provoked or forced to act out in violence. I get that the economy is bad, that people are down on their luck, out of work, hungry, angry, depressed and on and on, but what I do not get is when or how that switches to violence... I work in the prison system, with both violent and non-violent criminals regularly, and yet I still cannot wrap my head around why such violence exists in this world...
The other half of this story is equally disturbing and perplexing to me... WHO IN THE HELL sees two people who are bleeding and obviously shaken and doesn't IMMEDIATELY come to their aid?!!! Is our world so riddled with apathy that people can see someone hurt and not only do nothing, but have the gull to shoo them away? This makes both my stomach and heart ache simultaneously. While I am happy to see that their requests for help have been overwhelmingly paid attention to within their group of friends from facebook, but at the same time I am saddened that the response is so great over the internet and so completely lacking in the real life moment when they needed help.
It breaks my heart for something so terrible to happen to such awesome people... and while this may be a chance to lose faith in our human race, I say that this is a chance to open our eyes to something wider. We, each of us in our own lives, need to be making a conscious effort to live present and aware lives... that means, be present when you are walking down the street, be present when you meet someone new... treat all human lives with dignity and respect, you never know the last time someone was paid a complement or received praise. Be aware of what you say and do and how. Is someone close to you hurting ? Reach out. We can only get through this life with the assistance of others, so lets choose our circles wisely....take stock in your groups... how many of them would have dropped everything to help total strangers who are in distress on the street. And, if your answer is not most or all, I suggest you rethink who you spend your time with.
As for me, I can definitively say that most, if not all of my friends would jump right in and help out whenever, wherever, friend or stranger, and that is something to take into account, I have seen this first hand. Those people who wouldn't help on Saturday night, they are someone's friends, they need to be shown the proper way to treat other human beings, especially those in distress begging for help. So, there may be some crappy people out there, but I believe they are the minority for the most part. It is unfortunate that the two of them had to go through the original trauma, but it is comforting to see so many people pull together for them. That, in fact reloads my human race faith card... what we can accomplish when we rally together to help as opposed to hate is immeasurable... something none of us should ever forget. I do hope they catch that angry man who did this, but at least they can take some solace from the justice of love and friendship. Thanks for being such amazing people.
Friday, July 8, 2011
Victorious
Pondering the things that hold us back. What holds a person back from being true and authentic to themselves in any given moment? I think the answer is pretty cut and dry... society and self. In undergrad, I had to take a class called self and society, it was a great class that explored the ways in which a person operates within society... their world view, ways in which individuals interact within their social setting and the ways in which one interprets one's own life story. We read several autobiographies and had to write our own autobiography (let me tell ya, it is no small feet indeed to sum one's life up in 30 pages).
What I got out of the class was indispensable- my life is a story, I can either let the story tell me or tell my story. Up until (and well, if I am honest, still now, at times) the awarenesses I made writing that paper, life happened to me. All my troubles could be boiled down to a few things that happened in my life-things that until that point I had subconsciously thought happened to me. While I would have vehemently denied it at the time, I was a victim of my own life. Growth, incite, experience and whatever else you care to lump in with that has since proven to me that life only happens to people who choose to view their lives that way. There are a host of reasons that we fall victim to this mindset, but for me it was just an easy and logical way to explain both why things were the way they were in my life and why I felt the way I did. In the words of another post... it was my reason (and, I'm sure the reasoning for many others) to settle for good enough.
At a certain point in life it hits you, (or it hit me, there are some people who are never hit by it) all that bullshit that I thought was happening to me was actually happening for me... and in fact, none of it was ever bullshit at all... each thing, each lesson, each moment of pain or bliss, each conversation or argument, they are all the building blocks for greatness, and we could all emerge victorious, if we so choose. It was never stumbling blocks as I had perceived them to be, but instead, they were pieces to this incredible foundation for greatness. But, what happens if you stick with the stumbling block scenario? Or, what happens if you get they are supposed to be helping you build a foundation but continue to skin your knees on them? Well, let me tell ya kids...
Then 2-5 years down the line you are looking at yourself in the mirror and wondering what the fuck happened to all that work you thought you did on yourself. Your standing back and surveying your very own MASSIVE wonderwall and your thinking...shit. That was SO not in the original blueprints! Your flabbergasted! All this time you thought you were building yourself up, and really... you were building yourself in... and that's it... it's that damned wonderwall holding you back. It is so unfortunate too, it is a fine piece of construction...rivaling the Hoover dam... holding everything back behind it's pristinely sealed walls, not least of all you. The craftsmanship is something to marvel over, part societal norms, part familial expectation, cemented together with an ample amount of fear and denial... And NOW WHAT?!!! Your project is way behind schedule and ridiculously over-budget when you factor in demolition of the existing structure and the time and cost of building something completely different...a victim of circumstance.
Enter greatness. Greatness says that the wonderwall is not completely useless... there are parts that can be salvaged... reused, recycled, reclaimed... there is no need to be over zealous here, don't run out to rent a wrecking ball... it's overly dramatic and wasteful. Let's see what we can dismantle before we turn this project into a pile of rubble... greatness says we will not fall prey to what everyone else says is an epic failure. Just prepare yourself. The press is going to be all over this one and the public will likely follow suit, calling it a colossal failure, calling you out for your supposed architectural incompetence, they will fling the criticism like a monkey flings poo. But, it is never as bad as those buzzards make it... think about it... any genius knows that there is no short cut to the perfection they strive for... the wonderwall had to be constructed so that it could then transform into this beautiful, unifying and amazing thing. And lets face it... it is so much easier for society to judge and revel in your supposed failure than to ever acknowledge that we are all human and we all take the long way sometimes.
So, instead of shaming myself, instead of letting society 'should' on me... you should have done this or that. I will hold my head high and proud... I am a work in progress. A work of greatness in progress. I do not profess to know everything; hell, most of the time I question whether or not I know anything at all. But life doesn't have to be as tough as we make it for ourselves... it boils down to perfecting the art of improvisation. Things happen. They happen everyday. They happen to or for everyone (depending on where your situated in that spectrum). Sure, it is easier to go with the majority and catastrophize- "Oh, you were adopted? No wonder you (fill in the blank)." Or, you had a bad childhood. Or your parents sucked, or you were poor or raped or molested or whatever it maybe. Shit happens in all of our lives, mine is no better or worse than yours. The question is- will you define those moments for yourself or let those moments define you? Victim or victorious, it is a choice we all make. I choose to be victorious.
What I got out of the class was indispensable- my life is a story, I can either let the story tell me or tell my story. Up until (and well, if I am honest, still now, at times) the awarenesses I made writing that paper, life happened to me. All my troubles could be boiled down to a few things that happened in my life-things that until that point I had subconsciously thought happened to me. While I would have vehemently denied it at the time, I was a victim of my own life. Growth, incite, experience and whatever else you care to lump in with that has since proven to me that life only happens to people who choose to view their lives that way. There are a host of reasons that we fall victim to this mindset, but for me it was just an easy and logical way to explain both why things were the way they were in my life and why I felt the way I did. In the words of another post... it was my reason (and, I'm sure the reasoning for many others) to settle for good enough.
At a certain point in life it hits you, (or it hit me, there are some people who are never hit by it) all that bullshit that I thought was happening to me was actually happening for me... and in fact, none of it was ever bullshit at all... each thing, each lesson, each moment of pain or bliss, each conversation or argument, they are all the building blocks for greatness, and we could all emerge victorious, if we so choose. It was never stumbling blocks as I had perceived them to be, but instead, they were pieces to this incredible foundation for greatness. But, what happens if you stick with the stumbling block scenario? Or, what happens if you get they are supposed to be helping you build a foundation but continue to skin your knees on them? Well, let me tell ya kids...
Then 2-5 years down the line you are looking at yourself in the mirror and wondering what the fuck happened to all that work you thought you did on yourself. Your standing back and surveying your very own MASSIVE wonderwall and your thinking...shit. That was SO not in the original blueprints! Your flabbergasted! All this time you thought you were building yourself up, and really... you were building yourself in... and that's it... it's that damned wonderwall holding you back. It is so unfortunate too, it is a fine piece of construction...rivaling the Hoover dam... holding everything back behind it's pristinely sealed walls, not least of all you. The craftsmanship is something to marvel over, part societal norms, part familial expectation, cemented together with an ample amount of fear and denial... And NOW WHAT?!!! Your project is way behind schedule and ridiculously over-budget when you factor in demolition of the existing structure and the time and cost of building something completely different...a victim of circumstance.
Enter greatness. Greatness says that the wonderwall is not completely useless... there are parts that can be salvaged... reused, recycled, reclaimed... there is no need to be over zealous here, don't run out to rent a wrecking ball... it's overly dramatic and wasteful. Let's see what we can dismantle before we turn this project into a pile of rubble... greatness says we will not fall prey to what everyone else says is an epic failure. Just prepare yourself. The press is going to be all over this one and the public will likely follow suit, calling it a colossal failure, calling you out for your supposed architectural incompetence, they will fling the criticism like a monkey flings poo. But, it is never as bad as those buzzards make it... think about it... any genius knows that there is no short cut to the perfection they strive for... the wonderwall had to be constructed so that it could then transform into this beautiful, unifying and amazing thing. And lets face it... it is so much easier for society to judge and revel in your supposed failure than to ever acknowledge that we are all human and we all take the long way sometimes.
So, instead of shaming myself, instead of letting society 'should' on me... you should have done this or that. I will hold my head high and proud... I am a work in progress. A work of greatness in progress. I do not profess to know everything; hell, most of the time I question whether or not I know anything at all. But life doesn't have to be as tough as we make it for ourselves... it boils down to perfecting the art of improvisation. Things happen. They happen everyday. They happen to or for everyone (depending on where your situated in that spectrum). Sure, it is easier to go with the majority and catastrophize- "Oh, you were adopted? No wonder you (fill in the blank)." Or, you had a bad childhood. Or your parents sucked, or you were poor or raped or molested or whatever it maybe. Shit happens in all of our lives, mine is no better or worse than yours. The question is- will you define those moments for yourself or let those moments define you? Victim or victorious, it is a choice we all make. I choose to be victorious.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Into the Great Wide Open
Over the weekend I had a discussion with someone about the Buddhist principle of impermanence. In Buddhism, it is said that the source of all pain comes from a human's inability to realize that EVERYTHING in this life is impermanent. Instead, we hold people and experiences as personal possessions, attaching ourselves to those people and experiences through feelings which then gives us the illusionary security that things will always be the way to which we are accustom. Anyone who has ever suffered a grave loss knows just how horrible it feels when this illusion is shattered in ones own life, the feeling as if the bottom has just dropped out of your heart and sunk to the pit of your stomach like a ton of bricks.
I do not profess to be an expert on Buddhism, and I certainly am not the one who practices enlightenment with respect to impermanence in my everyday life. I too get hooked, I write about my visceral attachments quite often in fact. And let me be clear here, my take on impermanence and detachment is not APATHY. If anything, these principles clear the emotional clutter so that we may experience the moment to moment connections with someone in a very direct and unobstructed way.
Think about it... what if you were able to enter into each interpersonal encounter in your life without the baggage you carry from past encounters...Most of the time, at least in my experience, we are not even aware that we are projecting our stuff onto someone else. Generally, we only become aware of our own projections when they are pointed out to us... either the other person misinterprets what you are trying to communicate, or you are unable to clearly communicate your point yourself. Feelings generally get hurt, someone takes something personally and you are left to sit in your own confusion of the situations, wondering what in the hell happened.
Looking at the attachments I have in my own life... my parents, and a handful of friends, I am able to take stock and 'say' that I treasure each moment with them, but I treasure each moment without consciously thinking about the fact that I ALWAYS assume there will be countless other moments to spend with each of them. The sayings like 'all we have is this moment', 'we are never promised tomorrow' and others like it seem so worn out and trite to me- mainly because I, like so many others I am sure, hear those words, believe them or take them to heart for a split second, and than happily return to a state of blissful ignorance. As I have shared before, I have experienced many grave, and unexpected losses in my short time on this earth, and still I find myself comfortably settling into the mundane routine of everyday life..
This is heavy stuff, this business of impermanence. Mainly because it runs so counter-intuitive to the way in which our world wants us to operate... but it is also an extremely valuable tool if one can be disciplined enough to begin practicing it. It is not about not caring, it is more about caring enough to give yourself fully and completely to each interaction... and by doing so, the connection IN THAT MOMENT is infinitely more powerful. But it's a mighty big leap of faith for the human brain to engage in one moment and leave that connection right there once the moment has passed.
Like anything else in life worth a damn, it takes so much practice and patience with one's self. This all seems a bit comical coming from the girl who constantly hammers on about being such a slave to her emotions, I know. But if anything, my love/hate relationship with my emotions has given me a fair amount of perspective through which to view these concepts. I hope that through continued awareness I can one day practice these principles in real time in my own life... So far all I can say is that I know that my life is not REALLY mine, and that I have no ownership over any of the relationships in my life... I may call them MY parents, or MY friends, or MY lovers, but I do not own any part of our relationship. Our time together is never as infinite as it seems, in fact it is extremely finite, we do not have today, but only this very moment.
I do not profess to be an expert on Buddhism, and I certainly am not the one who practices enlightenment with respect to impermanence in my everyday life. I too get hooked, I write about my visceral attachments quite often in fact. And let me be clear here, my take on impermanence and detachment is not APATHY. If anything, these principles clear the emotional clutter so that we may experience the moment to moment connections with someone in a very direct and unobstructed way.
Think about it... what if you were able to enter into each interpersonal encounter in your life without the baggage you carry from past encounters...Most of the time, at least in my experience, we are not even aware that we are projecting our stuff onto someone else. Generally, we only become aware of our own projections when they are pointed out to us... either the other person misinterprets what you are trying to communicate, or you are unable to clearly communicate your point yourself. Feelings generally get hurt, someone takes something personally and you are left to sit in your own confusion of the situations, wondering what in the hell happened.
Looking at the attachments I have in my own life... my parents, and a handful of friends, I am able to take stock and 'say' that I treasure each moment with them, but I treasure each moment without consciously thinking about the fact that I ALWAYS assume there will be countless other moments to spend with each of them. The sayings like 'all we have is this moment', 'we are never promised tomorrow' and others like it seem so worn out and trite to me- mainly because I, like so many others I am sure, hear those words, believe them or take them to heart for a split second, and than happily return to a state of blissful ignorance. As I have shared before, I have experienced many grave, and unexpected losses in my short time on this earth, and still I find myself comfortably settling into the mundane routine of everyday life..
This is heavy stuff, this business of impermanence. Mainly because it runs so counter-intuitive to the way in which our world wants us to operate... but it is also an extremely valuable tool if one can be disciplined enough to begin practicing it. It is not about not caring, it is more about caring enough to give yourself fully and completely to each interaction... and by doing so, the connection IN THAT MOMENT is infinitely more powerful. But it's a mighty big leap of faith for the human brain to engage in one moment and leave that connection right there once the moment has passed.
Like anything else in life worth a damn, it takes so much practice and patience with one's self. This all seems a bit comical coming from the girl who constantly hammers on about being such a slave to her emotions, I know. But if anything, my love/hate relationship with my emotions has given me a fair amount of perspective through which to view these concepts. I hope that through continued awareness I can one day practice these principles in real time in my own life... So far all I can say is that I know that my life is not REALLY mine, and that I have no ownership over any of the relationships in my life... I may call them MY parents, or MY friends, or MY lovers, but I do not own any part of our relationship. Our time together is never as infinite as it seems, in fact it is extremely finite, we do not have today, but only this very moment.
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