Monday, March 12, 2012

Ants in teh Pants

So for the past 6 months or so, I have been squirmy.  Like, I want to or need to do something, change something, rearrange, reorganize, reevaluate- something.  I have not had any particular inkling as to what it is I want to change... maybe my job... well, definately my job.  But maybe my living situation? Maybe the scenery?  I don't really know.  I have been feeling more than stagnant lately.  I have tried my normal fixes... rearranged my house, painted, left town, came back...

I think part of the issue is that one of my normal fixes for feeling squirmy and boxed in is to immediately change something in my life drastically... or to create some sort of chaos around me.  A couple of weekends ago, I had a conversation with someone about how normally, I attribute this feeling to being stagnant. I have this little voice in my head that says if I am not constantly making changes I am not improving... One of my worst fears is that I will go back to that hazy comfortable place and just be.  For some reason, if things have been coasting for even a moment, I convince myself that I must be slipping back into lazy, non-productive mode.  This is at once a horrible and fantastic place for me to be...

In the last ten years this same feeling has led me to-
Move to Yellow Springs
Drop out of college
Embark on a trip around the country
Quit every single job I have had at the time (not without another one lined up though, I am not that crazy-yet.)
Live in my car
Buy a house (probably the most ridiculous of decisions to date)
Move to Dayton
Finish school
Go to grad school
Drop out of grad school

Hmm, so yeah. Impressive huh?! No, I do not really think that list is impressive.  Ridiculous? Maybe.  And, no I do not think any of those decisions were particularly bad ones (except buying the house). I am merely looking at my decision making process (or lack of process!)- I think that maybe I need to figure out what in the fuck it is that gives me the squirmy feeling as opposed to just reacting.  I have made some silly and brash decisions while reacting, but I have also accomplished a hell of a lot whilst in this mental state...

Thankfully, in the last year or so I have come up with a bit more constructive way of dealing with feeling discontent- now, I cook.  My roommate always knows when something is on my mind- whether I am bothered or just thinking- when she comes home and can hear the music blaring from the street she knows that I am in the process of filling the fridge with whatever the hell ethnicity I am currently obsessed with.  She runs into the kitchen like a kid on Christmas, gigantic smile on her face, and before she squeals 'What are you making?' She always asks- is everything alright? Hahaha, my transparency is laughable.  I don't say it often, but I do have a pretty kick-ass roommate, even if she makes me feel old on a daily basis (love you, lady).  She could probably hold most of the credit for me NOT making any brash, ridiculous decisions in the last year, I guess that warrants some recognition, haha.

So, I don't know why I am feeling so discontent lately. Maybe it is the whole turning 30, what are you doing with yourself, where are you going thing.  Maybe it's the change of season... Maybe I think too much. Yeah, ok, I know I think too much-but that is no different now than it has been at any other time in my life.  What I drew from that conversation about stagnation is that- sometimes movement is not required. Sometimes it is necessary to marinate in the present so that what ever is cooking for the future can come to pass. And further, that 'moving up' is not always the good thing we think it to be.  While all of that makes sense, it also drives me INSANE!!! What the fuck am I supposed to do RIGHT NOW?! If I get up and do something, chances are this squirmy feeling will go away (at least for the moment).  That is what I have always done... oh, right.  Fine. Maybe I will try to be as patiently still as possible.

Hey Solly... I am guessing there will be food when you get home tomorrow :D