Sunday, March 6, 2011

Impermanently Permanent

I hate fighting.  I hate fighting with myself the most... I used to always lose, but now... now I am starting to understand the strategy to winning the war with myself.  It is merely a series of battles, and the key is to remember that while this one battle will not over take me, I cannot be fooled by the rush of victory from one small battle, because there will be another, and another after that.  My most divine inspiration comes in those tiny moments where I realize that I am always on my team... which makes me realize how lucky I am.  I am a loyal team mate and a fierce competitor... which is why it seems so scary and overwhelming when I fight myself!  But, the more time I spend in that place if divine inspiration, the more peaceful I become.

I'd be lying if I said I spend all my time in this sort of self awareness...I definitely do not..but each time I do take shelter from my inner-war-world;basking in the sun on the island oasis of self awareness, I pick up one more bit of beauty and take it with me.  It is a breath- taking place, the island of self awareness... the days I have spent there have been warm and sunny with the most gentle of breezes... the beach is bathed in beautiful white sand, the water is so brilliantly blue, the vegetation is lush and green, the place exudes the kind of serenity that cannot be found in the inner-world-war.  For the most part it is a welcomed vacation from the inner-war battles of my day to day.  The only catch is that, while I love it there, it is not without struggles.  Sometimes the beach is too hot for my feet...sometimes I get so lost in introspection I get stung by a jelly fish...sometimes the tides come in and instead of retreating to my bungalow until the tide subsides, I slip back to the inner-war world and sometimes, I get stuck for a while. 

Just as it takes a considerable amount of effort to stay in the inner-war-world, the island of self-awareness demands attention and commitment... the difference is that one world drains me, drags me down and puts me at a place with myself that I do not at all enjoy.  The other recharges me, provides me with the emotional nourishment and fulfillment to continue on my way.  It seems like a no brainer for one to do everything possible to stay on that island at all costs.  But life demands a certain amount of ebb and flow... it is indeed a balancing act.  If I were to simply retire to the island of self awareness and spend all of my days there it would soon loose it's mystical, passionate and energizing sensibilities for me... and thus, the island of self awareness would decline and decay until suddenly, I would find myself waging my inner war on that same island that I had once regarded as paradise.  So, while today I drink up the cobalt water and bask in the brilliance of the sunlight refracting off the sand... I accept that the I must return to the inner-world-war now and then so that I may once again circle back to the island.  My time on the island-however brief or extended it may be has allowed me to accept the impermanence that is life- nothing is everlasting...and this too, as they say, shall pass.