After last week's quick and discombobulated post, I am starting to grasp a little clarity. Reviewing my posts from the last couple of months, I think I am finally able to crystallize some of the work that I have been doing within myself. In the last few months I have written about anger, fear, awkwardness, confusion, and hurt. I have mentioned consciousness, the struggle to transcend to the next level, and the awareness-es I have been making along the way. I have recorded when I thought I had it all figured out, as well as when I have been knocked off my block... and in the last few weeks all of that work seems to have come together into some cohesion.
Before all of this work, I would have attributed the way I feel and the way I am thinking to some person or people in my life. This person makes me feel like shit, or that person makes me happy... people would often ask why I would stay in a particular situation that seemed so toxic for me. I had wanted every one of life's lessons to be neatly wrapped up in a box, complete with a fancy bow. I wanted everything to have some tangible explanation. Over thinking everything has always been my way of perpetuating my own illusion of control. What I have come to realize is that no one has the power to affect my thoughts and feelings unless I give it to them, and further, that I had been doing so as a sort of last line of defense, so as not to have to take responsibility for my own thoughts, feelings, and resulting actions.
This is beginning to sound like a 'that was then, this is now' kind of post... and I suppose, in a way, it is, but only as a means to record my the process... because it is not over, and as long as I am breathing, it hopefully never will be. So anyway... In the last couple of weeks I have noticed a complete 180 in myself. How I think, how I act, etc. Where there used to be heaviness and confusion, there is now a feeling of exhilaration and light. Where I was feeling tired and cumbersome, I am now feeling recharged and agile- in body and mind. And, apparently it is noticeable in real life as well...where I was beginning to tire of people telling me to smile, I find I cannot wipe the shit eating grin off my face. Several people have asked me if I am 'high', and all I can do is giggle and say yes... but this rush was not obtained through ingesting any outside chemical.
Trudgiung through the last few months I was tired and weary... I wrote about the pain and difficulty that come from gearing up for the next mental leap in consciousness, and while I lose touch with that occasionally (because, let's face it, that is easy to do) I always seem to re-engage enough to rally through whatever mental hurdle presents itself. And it's a weird thing, this process of staying conscious while the tough mental work is being done. While it is solitary in nature- meaning no one could do it for or with me, there were a few people who stayed at my periphery, reminding me at times that there was something coming on the other end of my dark and cobwebby mental tunnel- and I am so super fucking grateful for that.
So here I am, FINALLY standing at the end of that particular mental tunnel... and it is blindingly bright. The air is refreshingly crisp, everything is engaging and appealing to my senses. I imagine this to be the same sort of high that runners talk about after completing a particularly grueling race. And, without knowing it, I have emerged from the tunnel, lighter, more open and with A LOT less baggage. True to form, amazing things were waiting for me, just beyond the tunnel's opening. Acutely aware of just how wide open my heart seems to be beating, I am able to finally catch my breath and realize that the grueling regiment of introspection that has been my mental routine most of my life seems to finally be paying off (haha, of course, it has been 'paying off' all along, I just happen to be aware of the benefits in this particular moment).
As a result of all of this, I seem to have opened myself up for amazing opportunities to present themselves... (yes, those amazing opportunities have also been there all along, but I am now in a space where I can embrace those opportunities as opposed to running from them out of fear). That trite old saying about when you least expect it? Could not be more true than it is for me in this moment. Just as I neared the point of mental exhaustion, something in me rallied to get through that last leg of the mental marathon, and good fucking (insert deity of choice) has it paid off.
Most of my adult life has been spent (consciously or subconsciously) searching for a 'partner'. I have written about the hopeless romantic in me, and through all the detours, hang ups and bang ups in my life, I have somehow managed to hold on to that last little iota of idealism. Don't get me wrong, I have been through my fair share of confusion and questioning as far as all of this is concerned... I honestly did not think that the connection I craved...the partnership idea that I had in my head, the one where there were two people with different strengths, beating on similar levels at the same time in the same place, the one where communication is free flowing, where one person respects the other, the one where it is NOT about completing one another, because they are two WHOLE people sharing in each other's journey...the one where one doesn't MAKE the other happy or sad, but instead there is an exchange of support and understanding through empathy... the one that I had no vocabulary for because that exchange is inexplicable... I honestly thought that kind of connection was about as statistically probable as hitting an antelope while being struck by lightning on a snowy day in Tahiti.
Yeah, I had let go of that idea on sooooooo many levels. I had resolved to just focus on myself and forget about that idealism. And just like they say 'when you stop looking, you will find it'. It has caught me so entirely off guard, in the most blissful and beautiful way. A wiser woman than me would assess my situation as infatuation, and ya know what? I am completely okay with that... THIS. This is amazing. All I can say is that I am experiencing each moment in ways I didn't even know were possible. Each and every day my mind is blown in a fantastically beautiful way... And while I am aware that every single moment cannot be magnificent, I find myself captivated, I want to experience all the moments with her... the good ones, the tough ones, the blissful ones, growing pains, transcendence.... all of it. I want to drink it every last drop. I want to revel in the beauty of this...And while she is not the cause, she certainly has had an effect!
Last week, when I threw together the Dopamine Fiend post I mentioned that I was struggling for the words to describe how I am feeling, because this experience is so new on so many levels... nothing seemed to accurately describe what I am experiencing. One of my friends said "the word- is smitten" and you know what, she's right. I am smitten and could not be happier about it :)
