Transparency

So, I grew up in what many would call a middle class, conservative family.  I went to Catholic schools, although I would not say I was the poster child Catholic school girl.  In fact, I would venture to say that from an early age, I was the antithesis of Catholic school girl... not on purpose, I just never quite fit the mold of quiet, demur, well mannered or soft spoken.  I have always been a bit brash, I have never been that great at recognizing social ques, and I have, for most of my life, had a hard time accepting things without question.  This never boded well in my tiny Catholic grade school of 300 kids...My earliest memories of knowing I was adopted come into focus around preschool or kindergarten.  I remember being proud of it, and talking about it, and I remember being hushed... like that was something 'we don't talk about' outside the home...and there were many more 'social fails' over the years, asking questions to the wrong people, talking about things that apparently were deemed inappropriate to talk about, either at school or amongst my extended family. In grade 7 or 8, I was 1 of 2 dissenters when it came time to 'confirm our faith in the Catholic church'.  I could not understand why we were given a choice that was not really a choice... like, of course you can question the faith, just be sure to ask the 'polite questions' (and, by the way, arguing whether or not the bread and wine actually transform into the body and blood of Christ, not on the list of polite questions to ask the priest), and you can absolutely choose whether or not you want to be confirmed, so long as your choice is to be confirmed...head spinning yet?! Mine was then, and it still is now.

This is not a post about my adoption. Or my experiences growing up in the Catholic Church.  Really, what I am getting at is that feeling I have always had about being in the wrong.  Sure, my parents loved me (and still do), and yes, I absolutely have support, now more so than as a kid.  And despite getting this nagging feeling (kind of often) that I am doing something wrong, I have, for the most part, followed my heart, as opposed to blindly doing what others tell me I 'should do'.  And I gotta tell ya, it is SUPER fucking hard to do at times.Especially when following my heart means going directly against those who matter most to me. 

I truly believe that in life, we should be afforded every opportunity to pursue our own happiness, to make our own mistakes, to fall on our faces, and to pick ourselves up and start again.  I also believe that while none of us are special or unique, we do all have our own process, and our own way of going about things.  We have the right to our own opinions, although that right, in my humble opinion, does NOT include spewing those opinions on the unwilling or degrading those who do not share opinions similar to our own.  I guess that all sounds kind of wishy washy, but all I can say is that I do endeavor to understand where other people are coming from, even if I may not agree with what they think. Occasionally, this is another one of those SUPER fucking hard tasks.  I sometimes find it tough to honor my own beliefs (and opinions) whilst attempting to do no harm to others, especially when others differing opinions are in direct opposition...

In the last couple of months I have run up against this difficulty... and no matter how hard I try to get around it, no matter which bend or fork or turn I have tried taking, it seems to always be RIGHT THERE.  5 or six months ago, I fell in love with a beautiful person, our personalities mesh, we enjoy many of the same things, we have great conversation, we have fun doing the smallest things, we enjoy each others company, we support one another, we are learning what it is to be in a real and true partnership, and I could NOT be more ecstatic about it...

I have hesitated to write a 'coming out' post on here, because it seems so cliche, and I don't feel like I was ever 'in' anywhere.  Nor did most of my friends... while she is the first girl I have exclusively dated, I have never really viewed sexuality (or anything in life, for that matter) as something that is that black and white.  So, for the most part, no one was caught off guard or shocked, they saw how happy I was and were happy for me, end of story... well, not exactly.  Everyone was happy for me, for us, but nearly all of my friends had the same concern. After the initial congratulatory salutations 'what is your mom going to say' or some such mantra would eventually come from the mouths of most of my close friends.  And it saddens me deeply to say, that my mother, out of everyone in my life has been the only dissenter.  So I suppose one could say I am 'coming out' of a fog that was blissful ignorance.  I would have never imagined the most homophobic person in my life would be my mother.

Her initial reaction and words stung. A lot.  They shook me to my core.  I was prepared for her to take a little time to come around, but to say I underestimated her reaction would be an understatement.  So, I stepped back, tried to regain my footing, and resolved to give her some time.  She's old school, I told myself... and everyone rallied around me, assuring me that it would only take time for her to see how happy I was and that she would eventually come around.  So, I gave her time.  And so here I stand, nearly six months later... living two separate lives... the life that my partner and I and my friends and loved ones experience together. And the life that is my mom and I on an island of make believe with no sign of Mr. Rogers.  This is definitely an example of how separate but equal is indeed NEVER equal.

I go back and forth on how I feel about this.  On the one hand, I am saddened, disheartened, in disbelief.  I am confused as to why the gender of the person I am happy with matters at all.  Because I hadn't really ever thought about it in terms of gender.  Or in terms of a gay or lesbian label. What I am experiencing is love, on a very deep and real level.  What I am experiencing is what my mother has professed to want for me my entire adult life.  On the other hand, I see my mom, and her Catholic belief system.  I see that she has had this belief system her entire life, and I see that there have been times it's worked for her, and times she has struggled because of it.   I see an increased distance between the two of us, over something I perceive to be pretty fucking trivial, but she perceives to be incredibly important.  I see both of us struggling on opposite sides of a fence.  And, no matter from which angle I view this, I do not see a happy medium.  I cannot for the life of me figure out a grey shade to put this in to make this situation make sense.

I know I cannot change her mind, I also know that she has the right to her own opinion.  What I am desperately trying to figure out is how my happiness and her opinions can find some sibilance of  coexistence.  For now, I have decided to disengage for a while... because while I am frustrated and angry, I still love her, I just don't trust that I will be able to honor her view point without spewing my own on her in my current state of frustration. I am sure there are many parts of her view point I have not yet been able to take into account because of my own feelings in this situation.  So maybe space will help...and maybe it won't, I don't know, all I can do is continue putting one foot in front of the other.

As long winded and whiny as this post may seem, I have got to say I am truly lucky to have the people I do in my life... I have a really amazing and supportive girlfriend who has been completely awesome with this entire thing, she has definitely offered strength and perspective and had the patience of a saint- all reasons that I love her completely.  My dad, as usual, is my rock.  I totally admire how level headed he can be, even when two of the most important women in his life are at odds, I have NO IDEA where I would be without him.  And, I can't forget that I have the most fucking amazing friends on the planet. Hands down.  All of whom have been so fucking sweet and understanding. I love all of you, it's because of you all that I know all is not lost, this is just another bump in the road, from which I will carry on. <3

Golden

I have admittedly had trouble finding words to match my thoughts lately... actually, I think I have had a little trouble finding my voice. At some point I think I may have subconsciously silenced it, and that silence has been affecting me a lot lately.  I have a ton of posts working in draft mode right now, but I have been unable to string any of them together in cohesive form, which to me is usually a sign that I am not through muddling in the substance contained in them.  I have had an odd sort of writers block, like I get the idea or thought down and then lose the words to articulate my point... but this past week I have become aware of the need to just get SOMETHING out, even if it isn't cohesive, even if it doesn't make sense; just to forge through and let the process of purging take hold of me.  My hope is that some clarity will come out it... maybe it will, maybe it won't either way, I doubt it could hurt....

So, as I have written before... I am an emotional creature... I bumble about life 'feeling' my way through, and sometimes this is an illuminating process and sometimes it is a dark and scary backwoods path, both of which I believe to be beautiful and necessary. What's come to my attention recently is that while I feel a lot of stuff very deeply...exhaustively so at times, I am not always good at the outward part of that feeling, again- it's no secret I tend to brood and get stuck in my own mental process.  Unfortunately for those close to me, this can at times result in my outside not matching my inside, which is confusing for me, I cannot imagine how confusing it is for those close to me.  And trust, it is seriously frustrating to me.  Because at some point, that inner shit bubbles outward, and usually takes the form of anger, sadness or fear...

When I do not honor whatever it is that is going on inside of me, it effects EVERYTHING else in my life.  Things that I should be able to take in stride anger or irritate me to no end.  My feelings get hurt easily, I take dumb shit personally, I mope, I brood... ok, you get the picture.  So... after a particularly tough week of taking a lot of shit personally, shit coming from COMPLETE STRANGERS, I was pretty fucking down yesterday... and that sadness turned into anger.  Like, how dare people be so ignorantly fucking judgmental and rude, and I ran with that, but, in my anger I start to realize that I have no right to be angry.  What other people think of me (ESPECIALLY people who do not know me) is really none of my business and a complete waste of my time and an enormous drain on my energy.  I was physically and mentally exhausted last night.  And so, after a good night's sleep I arose today, resolved to let the dumb shit go for what it is and get on with things. 

So, I get to work, and as I walk in the lobby I see that it is trashed.  Fliers are strewn everywhere, crumpled, torn, the entire lobby is in a state of general discombobulation.  And I can feel my blood pressure rising...my inner dialogue starts ranting 'WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE??? Why do people feel the need to just destroy shit, to have no regard for things that are not theirs??'  And so it went, as I cleaned up the mess all the while, resenting the anonymous asshats that created it. 

So, I am left to wonder... what is it about these situations that REALLY bothers me? Why do they evoke such a reaction in me?  How is it that I can give my power to complete fucking strangers...and WHY do I do that?  I think the answer lies in the fact that there are other things in my life I choose not to react to, as if I stuff my shit in other circumstances.  So when something less personal comes up, I allow my emotions and reactions derived from the ignored circumstances to come out in the assumed safety of the anonymity of the other party.  Huh.  I am fairly certain I am on to something there, I just need to figure out why I block things to begin with.  For the most part, I am starting to become aware of when I do it, it's the why that stumps me.

I know it has something to do with not wanting others to have to 'deal with' my shit, which is in fact a cop out...it is probably more true that this is a defense mechanism I developed a long time ago, and at the time, I am sure it was necessary, but at some point it became my pattern for dealing (or rather, not dealing).  I know it isn't needed or working for me now. I have no reason NOT to be authentic with the people in my life, that is why I so vigilant about who I am and am not close to.  I have to find a way to re-frame the way that I think about my stuff... instead of thinking everyone's stuff is more important, or judging whatever I am feeling to be trivial or unimportant, I think it is important to just honor that shit in the moment, but goddamn! That is hard.  Just writing this makes me feel all victim-y and weird, which is also probably worth a moment of reflection. All of this is certainly part of a loop track I have yet to be able to cease or at the least vary a bit, but my determination to do so has definitely been renewed. Oh, the things that make me go hmmm....