Soul Tribes

 I have had quite a number of interesting interactions lately.  Lot’s of good conversations, many moments where I paused to appreciate the similarities and differences among humanity, and I am drained, but full! I love the moments in life when the irony is so thick you could cut it with a knife.  Some may say that’s a bit of a masochistic view point, but I welcome those moments.  It is those moments that are richest and ripe for learning, at least for me.  I love when that right person appears at the exact right moment AND I can actually feel and acknowledge it happening.  That second part is the kicker, because at least in my world, everything happens just as it is supposed to, but I am not always aware of the connections.

While schlepping about for work today, I end up having not one, but two amazing conversations.  In the latter conversation we somehow got to the subject of people belonging to ‘soul tribes’…. an interesting concept to say the least.  So person’s in one’s soul tribe are people you have a connection with-  an immediate and undeniable energy, and that energy doesn’t soften with time.  No matter how long you’ve known one another, how long it has been since you last interacted, the energy is always there and always fierce.  People in your soul tribe can be friends, or lovers-the energy is different in each circumstance obviously, but it both cases it is almost magnetic. The soul tribe lover is the one, and not the one in the “I am going to marry them, they are the one” sense.  More, the one that does not and cannot ever compare with any other lover, whether it’s a lover or a significant other, the energy is unmatched and almost indescribable- it vibrates on a different frequency than the rest.   I actually believe I have met quite a few people in my soul tribe.  These are the friends that have been through it with you no matter what, and generally they know what is up with you before you tell them.  The people you meet and are instantly attracted to something about them.  The people you can talk to for hours about bullshit or the deepest shit and still achieve the same feeling of completeness at the end of the conversation. Meeting members of your soul tribe is a gift- something to recognize, cherish and cultivate.  But I believe that both the mind and soul must be open in order to recognize these opportunities when they arise.  How often do we go about our day on auto pilot? One of my professors used to say- who drove your car to school?! We have to be pinging at a certain level of consciousness in order to realize when someone is making an amazing impact on our energy.

It happens all the time with regards to those who are sucking the energy out of us, most of us will recognize those interactions as unhealthy and stay away from said people, interesting that we do not always appreciate those who feed our souls…  I believe that once that energy is in place within one’s self, it then becomes easier to recognize other members of our tribe.  And once we have opened ourselves up to recognizing these connections we can build upon that... and the process continues.  Of course, to many the concept of a soul tribe may seem abstract, maybe even a little crazy, but- if one really looks at the deeper connections in life the abstraction fades into familiarity. We have all been in that spot.  We have all met members of our own respective soul tribes, whether we choose to call it that or even acknowledge it—in the end it is the human experience that is undeniable.  Its not a cult thing, or a club thing-there are no secret handshakes or weird rituals. This is an experience thing, do I walk through my life thinking everything is coincidence, or do I go through life building on that power of interpersonal connection? I choose the latter, in many ways it seems a lot less hibbity-jibbity than explaining everything away with non-explanations like coincidence. ..

You May Say that I'm a Dreamer...

I hope to one day pay back and forward all the fortune afforded me in this life.
I hope I never figure out what I want to be when I grow up, and instead grow into who I am.
I hope to be the change I wish to see in the world.
I hope to continue to be inspired and inspire others.
I hope I never forget that my inner child is always within reach.
I hope I keep my eyes open for every opportunity to grow and learn.
I hope I keep my ears open for anyone who needs to be heard.
I hope I keep my heart open so that I might love with every fiber of my being, every moment of every day until my last breath.
I hope to keep my soul open so that I might connect with whomever and whatever is out there to connect with.
I hope I can learn to afford myself the same graces others afford me.
I hope I never pass up an opportunity to learn either from myself or others.
I hope I remember both the impermanence of life and the fact that everything happens for a reason.
I hope even in my darkest moments, I can remember the gratitude in every moment.
I hope someday we can all see that our differences are actually complementary strengths.
I hope everyone reaches their full potential everyday.
I hope I never stop dreaming.
I hope I someday find the medium for which the creativity within me flows.
I hope I am as humble as is possible, and as gracious as the universe allows.
I hope that I live all of these hopes in my everyday life...

Good 'Nuff

Another rainy Monday, but that's alright, after a gorgeous day like yesterday, a little rain is alright. I officially withdrew from school on Saturday, and I am at peace with it.  It is going to take some getting used to (having free moments to myself) but I do believe this is exactly what I need.  I finished one of my two incompletes yesterday, that feels pretty darned good, although I am still experiencing a lot of anxiety surrounding the other paper I have to write. In speaking to the prof's about how to go about actually getting the work done one of them encouraged me to get to a place where I was alright with 'good enough' so that I could get credit and move on.  I cringed when he mentioned it, and I am cringing as I write this- good enough is not a concept I have ever let myself truly embrace, and for the most part I think that is a smart way to be... although I suppose, in certain circumstances good enough is warranted.

As I sat down to write the paper yesterday I tried to wrap my mind around what good enough looks like.  To me, that is an entirely subjective concept.  The prof said that all I need was an 80%, and that I need not waste my time trying for perfection...I can appreciate his sentiment, but my mantra is generally to shoot for perfection and hope it lands somewhere in the vicinity of good enough for me.  That usually translates into writing a paper in one foul swoop. Sleeping on it. Tearing it apart the next day, re-writing it, sending it to two or three friends to edit, piecing it back together again and then putting a final draft together.  And, yeah. I guess that's more like 150% effort as opposed to the needed 80.

So I went to my favorite Sunday morning writing place and pounded on the keyboard for an hour or two and then called it finished.  And, I will say it was super hard to walk away and call it finished.  But I think one of the lessons I am learning is that striving for perfection can also mean strolling toward insanity.  If I am going to keep any sense about me, striving for perfection in everything I do is not sustainable.  I have to learn to pick my battles, and that if I do have to complete something to 'good enough' standards it does not mean that I am going to spiral out of lackadaisical control.  Turning in a paper that is not my best work, but merely good enough at the request of the prof does not mean I just bought a one way ticket to failure land.  It's just so paradoxical to think of giving some things up in order to get other things that are more important (here's my paper-sanity please, thank you). 

All my life I have had this unreasonable fear of being a fuck-up.  Not necessarily a fuck-up in the eyes of others, but more in my own eyes.  I am deathly afraid of letting myself down, but I often set that bar so impossibly high that even a bucket truck couldn't help me get there... I know, the paradoxes abound.  So, as I learn to loosen my death grip on the illusionary control in other areas of my life, I will now add this one to that list.  Because I am only a fuck-up, failure, lazy, loser if I judge myself to be.  And those are all negative judgments that have got to go with this spring cleaning of the mentality.  Trust is a toughy for me, especially when it comes to trusting myself-I think I may need to re-evaluate that :)

The Times, they are A-Changin

Fair warning- the following ramblings are slightly political in nature, I would not call this a rant, more just subjective observations from a seemingly a-political individual, if you have something to say about said observations, feel free to leave a comment... otherwise take whatcha need and leave the rest :)

What is it about our culture that makes us de-value ourselves and in turn- de-value the collective? It's not just girls and bad body images anymore... it's girls, boys, men, women- I have experienced it myself, and I have observed it in others. That feeling that we are not good enough for this or that... that we do not deserve this job, that promotion... we ignore or gloss over our feelings all in favor of getting to the next leg of the race first... but where does that leave us?

In my experience, that leaves us entitled, fractured, and isolated.  We as a culture have a very broken sense of community, if any all... it is every man (or woman if your the type to get caught up in word-smithing) for himself.  I have mentioned before that our culture is terminally unique, and I hate to beat a dead horse, but it seems as thought I see examples of this everywhere.  While conversing one on one this is the process of speaking and NOT listening to what the other has to say.  It's a mimetic structure- look at the political climate in our country-the democrats think they have all the answers and the republicans think the same thing about their ideas.  In my experience of the political process there is much shouting and little listening.  What would happen if they started doing what they said they would do when we elected them- work for a compromise that has the best interest of the American people at it's core... Well, neither side is going to do that- that would be political suicide, because our terminally unique culture wants nothing to do with compromise.

So, each politician is out for his or her own best interest, fitting, since there are so many Americans who ascribe to the same dogma.  We are such a finite society- dissect the ever loving shit out of every single detail that we loose all hope to see the big picture.  And there is no room in that tiny little box to expand the mind or to even consider any alternative.  I look at the revolutions happening all around the Middle East and applaud them- I applaud their ability to rise up as collective, to keep their eye on the prize (and the big picture) and to stick together as a people who have recognized that they all want relatively the same thing...whatever that thing may be for each of those rebel uprisings.

Then, I turn my gaze back to the States and I am frightened.  I am scared that something is going to give soon on our own soil, and I have little faith in the American people as a collective... I think we have been so fractured and splintered that there is little hope that we will come together and work to make things better for ourselves... there is too much anger and shit talking in the air.  And we are too entitled.  We have been a powerful nation for so long that few of us know (or remember) what it is like to have to come together to fight the good fight. 

Don't get me wrong, I don't believe it to be all doom and gloom- I have witnessed blessing, beauty, and solidarity among some people... and I do not think that everyone in this country is selfish, self-centered and self seeking... I just hope that there are enough of us who care about ALL of us to make a difference.  As much as I cannot stand Bob Dylan (I know, how un-American) I do believe his words aptly describe the climate in our country lately- "The times, they are a-changin." There is a part of me that is proud to be alive in this segment of our nation's history-in-the-making, and I am excited to be a participant, however that may end up looking.  I just hope that we as a can people awaken from the centuries of slumber brought about from being kept fat and happy, in time to rub the entitlement sleep out of our eyes and move through the shift in consciousness needed to bring us all back together.  The only thing I am sure of is that time will move forward, things will change, and that this too, shall pass.  Dylan's words seem so prophetic because they were true when he wrote them, they are true today and they will be true in the future... the times, they will always be a-changin.

Trying to Find a Balance

Part of growth is balance.  Part of balance is knowing one's limits. Part of knowing one's limits is listening to one's self and honoring the built in alarm system the body has.  Honoring that alarm system is tough, because sometimes honoring it means that we have to make decisions that produce judgment both within oneself and, more than likely outside of oneself. On top of that- balance and knowing my limits have never been personal strong suits for me- I'm either balls to the wall, or complacent, and I usually get to the edge of a cliff, shut my eyes and jump.  These are not new revelations for me- I have know these things about myself for quite some time- the new revelation is that now I am ready to take those awareness's and do something about them.  I truly want to find that middle ground, instead of burning hard and bright until I burn out, I want to figure out how to keep my candle lit (on only one end) for the long run.  I want to look over the edge of the cliff and figure a way to climb down as opposed to crashing at the bottom.

For a while now, my alarm system has been sounding, it went in to over drive in January with my tonsils, and since having my tonsils removed the alarm has shift to my tummy and my heart.  My heart beats fast most of the time, and my tummy has gone back to bounding itself in knots on the constant. It has been sounding so loud I have found it difficult to ignore, and today I have decided to finally honor it. Most of the judgment is self inflicted- because the decision involves withdrawing from school for the quarter.  Leaving school for the quarter seems so paradoxical- my studies are what have catapulted my growth process in the last 6-8 months, but now that growth is coming so fast and furiously I can scarcely keep up.

Juggling working near 60 hours a week, trying to finish up my papers from last quarter, getting into the new material for this quarter all while trying to sustain my personal growth is just too much.  I am not complaining, I am grateful for my jobs and the fact that they both support me in every way possible.  I am also super grateful that my prof's from last quarter granted me in-completes in order to have time to finish the course work up and get credit for those courses.  I am merely looking at the parts of the equation I can control in order to balance myself out- and not taking on additional work and stress is the most obvious answer.  I know that life is not a 100 meter dash, it is more like several consecutive marathons, so I need to be able to pace myself.

So, for today, I am going to honor my inner alarm system by taking the necessary steps to get myself to a place of balance.  I have written before about how growth can only happen when the proper amount of support and challenge is present- so, for now, I am going to back off on the academic challenges so as to attend to the personal ones.  And really, the only judgment I have to deal with is my own.  I have to remember that this is not a dualistic situation- where withdrawing from school is failure and continuing is success.  In this case, it is more like taking a step back to walk another mile.  Jeeze, this growing stuff is crazy sometimes!

Optical Requisition

Lately I have been challenging myself to see each moment with new eyes... It is so easy to settle into a routine of the mundane day to day, but redirecting my perspective to look at the same things I see everyday through a new lens has helped immensely.  Because nothing is mundane until I make it that way, and nothing is ever routine unless I allow it to be.  And, while routine is comfortable, it breeds complacency...

I used to get jealous and and even angry about other people's 'magnificent' experiences... then I realized all I have to do to make my own experiences amazing is to relish in the moment... to drink in every moment for the amazing glass of opportunity that it is.  Sunshine, or gray day... middle America or across the world... there is so much to experience and take in everywhere. The happened upon conversations on the street that start with a hullo and spin into a vibrantly woven tapestry of story and connection are right in front of us-just waiting to be lived.

I sat down to lunch yesterday with an acquaintance... something I NEVER do (sit down for lunch).  Usually I grab something for take away at the local deli and rush back to my desk so as not to 'waste' a moment of the hectic work day.  But, for some reason yesterday, I was compelled to take a seat at a table with a girl I had only met in passing before.  At the start I thought I would just inhale my soup as fast as it would go down without injury to the still healing throat and dash off, back to my desk, having been gone not long enough for my boss to even notice my absence.  But, as I sat across from that stranger I was drawn into the conversation...the more she spoke, the less I felt the pressure of the ticking clock staring me down from the wall.  We chatted about jobs and families, experiences, art, expression and life in general.  She shared pieces of her story, and I parts of mine. We may have sat together for five minutes or twenty...I don't know really, as I completely lost track of time...

We stood up from our lunch and walked out of the shop, and somewhere the conversation transitioned from the friendly, but somewhat surface topics one might find themselves conversing about with a stranger to a deeper, more revealing nature.  We shared and connected over our respective experiences with personal growth and awareness, I found myself actually putting a voice to things I have been chronicling on this blog, and it was invigorating to ping at the same level with another human about the discoveries I have been making in my own life.  I have always found it easier to explain myself in written word rather then in verbal conversation... when speaking I often stumble over my own thoughts and get wires crossed in my head, so listening and adding a piece here and there made the conversation much less easy and opulent.

As the conversation same to an end, having both shared out lot of emotional and personal bits, we realized that neither of us knew one another's name. I was actually grateful she didn't know mine, as I had once been introduced to her and long since forgotten her name, but remember her face.  She remarked at how amazing it was to have such a beautiful conversation without even knowing the other's name and I confessed my attaching little importance to names, that it is a person's face and the visceral response I get from it that ruminates with me and she agreed.  We parted ways, and I went back to work, envigorated by the human connection I would have otherwise missed had I not taken two steps off my routine path from the counter to the door.

"No One's Ever Gonna Love You"

Today is one of those days where my heart is beating wide open... I am sure listening to Band of Horses is helping that feeling right along!  I am just acutely aware today of how important all the moments in life are...The amazing ones... the sad ones... the scary ones...the moments filled with incredible hope and joy...the empathetic moments... those moments in between any discernible feelings... They are all so incredibly important, especially the moments where we stop to appreciate all that has happened and will happen.

Sure, I don't always appreciate every moment, but, I am working on that.  I am working on removing the good/bad dualistic judgment I have had for most of my life (thank you western society!)...I am attempting to move away from 'either or' and start looking at things as 'both and'.  It's hard. SUPER HARD, breaking a life long habit, but allowing myself to expand my own capacity is also really rewarding... 

It's crazy how things in my head have begun to shift since I decided to loosen my grip on the illusion of control I had over my life... I have spent a lot of time giving the advice that I am finally beginning to take myself...let go and let it flow.  I'll admit, letting go is insanely scary at the start, but it is insanely freeing if you can just white knuckle through the scary part!  I honestly feel as though I found that rhythm in my life I had lost for a bit, and once the rhythm re-appears, it is tough for your heart to do anything but beat wide open...

I am so excited to finally be back to that place where I am happy and secure within myself...where no matter what happens in a day I choose how it effects me.  I really, really like this new relationship I am in with myself, it seems as though I have been searching for a partner for a life time and I am just now realizing that what I was searching for was within me all along.  This is the best relationship I have ever had...sometimes it is hectic and scary, but at least now I know that I am always right there with me!  And, it's true, No One's Ever Gonna Love You more than I do...

Life Support

All my life I have prided myself on being dynamic, ever evolving, trying to grow at every opportunity etc.  But recently, I realized that the growth I pride myself on happens in spurts as opposed to the continuous flow I had once thought I maintained.  So, that got me thinking-what is it that allows my growth to wax and wane? What is it that makes some people in this world great and others to be content with good enough?

The answers to those questions have been revealing themselves to my consciousness lately... Not that the answers were not there all along, more that I am finally coming to a spot where I can be consciously aware of them.  The disruption in the flow of growth, as well as what allows some to settle for 'good enough' comes from within- Now, I am not saying that anyone (including myself) has that kind of inner dialogue- like "well, it seems as though we have made great strides, so lets just take a break" Nor am I saying that any of us really know that we are settling for good enough when we do.  But growth is an extremely tricky, slippery slope; and sometimes it is easy to lose ourselves in that singular moment of patting ourselves on the back for a job well done.  Then, before ya know it you have 'settled down and settled in' for the next 6 months, year, maybe even decade.

That shift in focus for me, usually comes from and outside source that I allow myself to be distracted with (Oh look! Something shiny!!!) And without even realizing it, I have derailed my growth attempts in favor of the newest favorite thing in my life.  This business of growth is more of a discipline than a process.  It takes time, diligence, practice and perseverance, it really is no wonder that we end up taking breaks from it... it is tough stuff!!!  The problem with breaks is that (at least for me) they never end up being 15 minutes, or even an evening...they turn in to that settle period without my even noticing.

Once the settling has begun, it overtakes most areas of life, and the backslide down the slippery slope begins.  It's not a landslide pace, it's slow, centimeters a month so to speak... at this pace it is very tough to even realize one is in backwards motion, and so the backslide continues on down the slope.  Now, we are not only not growing, but we are also slowly slipping into old habits, patterns and familiarities.  Things that we had previously grown out of or evolved from are now beginning to re-appear in our lives, and they fit like a tailored suit, so we do not notice, because for the most part we are 'content', and when we are content there seems no reason to change... if it ain't broke don't fix it right?  But what happens if it is broken, and we have merely convinced ourselves of a new reality of 'broken'?

I learned recently that growth comes out of the proper mix of challenge and support... If we are not challenged in life, we see no reason to reach forward and upward... why would we when where we are seems good enough?  But, without the proper amount of support to those challenges we will feel defeated, deflated and frustrated, and consequently we will quit trying to grow.  Makes sense really, and, I think this hypothesis further answers my two original questions.  In order to remember that I am trying to reach the bar in front of me, the one that remains just millimeters from my grasp, I need to surround myself with people who are also trying to reach for their own bars.  We will share similar struggles and victories on our own respective quests for growth and greatness, and that dialogue will allow me to stay focused on my bar.  I think that it is this process that leads some out of 'good enough' to greatness...whatever that may mean for each of us. 

The key, as it always seems to come back round to, is awareness.  Awareness of self and the processes that are happening in the mind on the moment to moment basis, awareness of others...do those that I surround myself with share similar goals of yearning for their own personal growth and greatness?  Because, if not, this can certainly derail my process, and I have no more time to wane... so, on this day I re-affirm my will to do as much as I possibly can to stay conscious of my own process as well as my surroundings... I want to support those who support me.  That being said, I cannot support those who cannot on some level support their own growth because they will never be able to support me.  That slippery slope of growth becomes deep water to tread when others around us are drowning... and the only thing that drowning victim can do in their moments of despair is try everything to take you down with them... I was a life guard long enough... I think it is time to focus on my own bar.