Well, the experiment has come to an end. To recap- the experiment was to take a situation where I would attempt to make my feelings objective... In essence I was trying to see if I could think my way through my feelings as opposed to feeling them. It was a seriously difficult task. I found myself falling from object to subject often, but tried to be persistent and consistent with the effort. What I can say is that it was a valuable experience and lesson, what I cannot say is that I was entirely successful.
So, lets start with what I gained: Perspective- TONS of it. More than I really wanted, but probably as much as I needed. I can directly credit this experiment with exposing my wonder wall to me, as well as the need to pay attention to it and do some work in that area. I am reminded that all humans (not just me) are fallible, that we all make decisions based on whatever data we have on hand and that data is subject to each person's interpretation. So what I may interpret as positive feedback in the experiment, another may interpret as something negative- or even more importantly, the other may not interpret the data to have any significance at all. Communication is key, without it both people can interpret the same experience in different ways so that one person works with the information at hand in one way, the other goes the opposite direction and then the experiment is inherently flawed; as ended up the case with this experiment.
Also worth noting about my shifting perspective- when I realized that the experiment had ended, I went with my default reaction- anger of course. And, to be fair, I will admit I am still angry. Before this experiment I would have immediately shifted into a vindictive and mean spirited reaction, without even a thought. And while I have thought about all of that- substantially- I have not acted or rather reacted I guess, in my normal manner. The fact that I have actually thought about it at all is actually pretty big for me. I am not sure if it is just me or human nature to react in anger when you feel hurt or wronged... maybe it's just me; but what I had to realize is that I willingly participated (and really, designed) this experiment. I do not get to pout when the results are not in favor of my original hypothesis- I have to review the experiment, the methodologies, the findings and then draw appropriate conclusions from there. I knew there was a reason I hate science!
The experiment was never really scientific to begin with, I know that. Taking a situation in which I am already involved and trying to reverse my feelings to objective anything was doomed from the start. I do not regard this as a failure; sure, I proved myself wrong and the experiment ended abruptly and without closure, and I feel sad and angry about that, and in the end I did fall completely subject to my feelings. BUT I can now sit here and look at it in an objective way- perhaps what I thought this whole thing was about was never the case to begin with. And in the end I am coming out a richer person for the experience and awareness. And I suppose I can take a moment to relish in the fact that I am growing and will continue to move forward, no matter what. I am not sure I believe the same for the other party. I think that they may have taken a few steps back due to fear- and that's fine, everyone has their own process. I am glad that when faced with the results of someone elses decision, I can choose to grow instead of digress- because I absolutely believe that growth or digression is a real choice in every situation.
I for one, do not at all want what I have always gotten, so I am not doing what I have always done. This is the moment where I go back into myself, recenter and start back where I left off...no, not start over- to start over would do no justice to all the work I have already completed, it is all necessary and it is all useful. It hurts right now, and I hate that. I have spent a small amount of time shoulding on myself for allowing myself to be hurt. I have also contemplated whether or not this whole vulnerability thing is worth it. I want to be angry and to say fuck it to the whole vulnerability thing... but in the end, the hurt is part of the cycle- and THIS is where the objectivity really comes in handy... I could fall subject to my 'hurt feelings', I could take on a victim mentality here 'it's not fair' 'they hurt me' 'they invited me to be vulnerable and then took my vulnerability and ran off laughing' 'gotcha bitch'. But I will not, I do think vulnerability is worth while for the deep and rich experiences it could bring about- what I have to do is reclaim my power, there is much to be gained- me thinks - by allowing oneself to be vulnerable while simultaneously holding on to one's own power....
So, I am sure I will have many more ups and downs concerning this situation. I am also aware that I am probably not finished hashing this out in my mind. But at least I can take responsibility for my part and continue attempting not to own what is not mine in the situation. I need not be concerned with whether or not the other party is learning their lessons... or the 'fairness' of the situation. Everyone makes choices, and I cannot get hung up on the decisions that others make- even when I think they were the wrong ones. What I can do is focus on where I go from here and make my own choices. My heart maybe heavy, but it wont last forever- Lao Tzu said "Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." I do feel as though I have the courage to get through my weakest moments and now, I will set my sites on strength.
