Friday, September 12, 2014

Naked

So for the last month or so, one of my dearest and best friends and I have been having this discussion that I wrote about in Connecting the Dots.  We talk often about what it is like to 'date' in your late 20's early 30's... ESPECIALLY in the age of instant gratification, fueled by texting, facebooking, instagramming and whatever other fucking ridiculous means we use to converse rather than actually communicate or (heaven for-fucking-bid- CONNECT). The beauty of dating and the intricacies of getting to know someone coupled with delaying gratification is quickly fading into oblivion in favor of late night texts for hook-ups and one night stands. Like everything else in our culture... people and connection are becoming more and more disposable. In fact, she recently wrote a similar blog about this same shit- check her out... Tight Pants, Half Shirts and Hook-ups.

  Now, I will be the first to admit that in my life I've done the hook-up thing. I've done the one night stand thing, I've had friends with benefits and fuck buddies... and they all served a purpose, at the time.  But at some point, without my knowledge or permission, all those surface 'relationships' began to shift my view of what it means to be intimate with someone.  It created a big void that no amount of great sex could ever fill.  It took me a long time to realize that the reason I felt empty was because I was essentially tossing experiences into the abyss.

Honestly, until recently, I have never challenged myself to really experiencing that whole delayed gratification thing... because there is a huge amount of vulnerability that goes along with that.  It's pretty easy to just pick a persona and be that when the extent of your relationship with someone is the late night hook-up.  It is also pretty easy to paint the other person in whatever light you want... because there is only one dimension to the relationship.  In order to keep that surface game up, ya gotta grow thick skin and pretty much detach... people have to become objects or conquests in order to keep up the mutual I use you, you use me contract.

What I had to deny in that abyss was the sappy romantic that I really am... it made me jaded and, it fueled that surface-relationship-fire, and mostly, it made me doubt myself and what I really wanted.  There is no space for having feelings and ESPECIALLY no space to talk about them... because the minute that happens, the surface contract has been broken, and there are only a couple of ways things can go from there...either the contract is severed and both parties resume regularly scheduled life programming, as if nothing ever happened, or...(and this was generally my route) you shame yourself for having said feelings and apologize to the other party, and you both pretend like the subject was never breached in the first place, and lemme tell ya kids, that kind of shit will eat your soul, even if you don't know it...

The process of realizing how I have been slowly etching away at my own soul and self worth has been a slow one, but I am glad to be on this side of that awareness.  No doubt this is part of a larger cultural paradigm shift, but with this awareness, I can now safely say it's one I want no part of anymore.  So, a couple days ago, amidst this most recent glimmer in consiousness, I stumbled across this quote-

“Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep…wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you’re just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky his is to have you….The one who turns to his friends and says, ‘that’s her.’”
~ Chuck Palahniuk


It struck me in such a way that I threw it up on my facebook page with the disclaimer that if that were unrealistic, then I'd rather stay in my fantasy world.  Because really, I am coming to the place where I will no longer be ashamed or apologize for wanting that or for having emotions or for craving connection.  If wanting that scares people off, then good on them.  Because I am over the surface game... in fact, I am over the game in general. The responses to that quote were all over the map... some people responded with that same, old, familiar jadedness, others suggested that it was not at all unrealistic, but the best response was this-

"Those people are out there - just remember it goes both ways!! It is worth the wait and you are worth waiting for ."

For some reason, the thought that it goes both ways hadn't really crossed my mind... and I have been looking into that, but that is a post for another day.  All I can say is this- I am so fucking glad to have a few awesome people in my life who are self-evolved enough to have these conversations with in real life, because otherwise, I'd prolly still be spitting surface game.

True Love Quotes